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A woman starts her new job at an old folks home

She's placed in the dementia ward and goes about her day. Later in the day, an old man starts running around the TV area with his arms held wide, making airplane noises shouting "I'm flying to California! I'm flying to California!"

She rushes over and calms him down, finally able to sit him ...

The queen is coming to mortal kombat as DLC that's right folks...

REPTILE IS PLAYABLE AGAIN!


She also gives iguanas a bad name.

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Old folks home

Three old fellas are seated on the front porch of their old folks home. The first one says " I like this place but the only problem I have is I can't pee first thing in the morning. " The second guy says I like our place too It's really really nice but I can't poop first thing in the morning. " The ...

I recently went to a folk festival...

I was the only one who brought my folks.

I once went to climb Mount Everest...

... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.

I said, “How is that possible?”

He said, “Himalayan Rooster”


P.S I told that joke to a farm girl today and to all the other ag folk who clapped it made my day. Even if there’s only two of y...

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

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Paddy, Seamus and Sean

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

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Write it down, folks. It's a good one!

From the legendary Hal Roach:

Paddy Flanagan is the first man in his small country town to buy a motorcycle and he takes his friend Seamus for a ride.

They are buzzing along through the glens and hills when Seamus begs for a break. "The wind is coming through my jacket and cutting me ...

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So there is this guy in the old folks home

He’s talking with Barbara and the subject of sex comes up. Barbara says “Ray you old coot, you couldn’t get it up if you wanted to.” “I know I know but I wished I had someone to just hold it sometimes.” Ray says. “Well I could do that.” Says Barbara.

And they got to a secluded place and she ...

Did you hear about the new LEGO store in the neighbourhood?

Folks are lining up for blocks!

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

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Nursery Rhymes

When Little Timmy went to school

And mastered one to nine,

He thought the other kids were cool

And every class divine.

He painted shapes in red and blue

And drew in curves and bends-

And by the time the day was through

He'd make a hundred friends!
...

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

...

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The old old folks home.

A man and woman are in a nursing home and they start into a bottle of whiskey that the man has. He eventually talks her into taking her top off. Further down in the bottle of whiskey he is trying to talk her into taking her pants off. "Oh, i don't know. I have acute angina. " "Well I hope so! Those ...

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Folks in my hometown are so judgmental!

I(40) tried to take my wife(19) out for a nice dinner and everyone kept staring and calling me a paedophile! It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary!

An old farmer has watched his flock of sheep dwindle over the years until he finally decides to go and visit a local vet for answers. The vet suggests that the farmer try artificial insemination in order to bolster his flock numbers.

Being a simple folk, and too embarrassed to ask for clarification, the old farmer presumes that artificial insemination means that he must do the job himself of getting his sheep pregnant. So the next day he loads his sheep into his truck and drives them up to the top field at the end of his farm a...

An Irish man moves to a small town

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happ...

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Be Polite

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

"I HAVE to be o...

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My dog named sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he...

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work! (Xmas cracker joke folks)

Because their horns don't work!

(Xmas cracker joke folks)

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While traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station.

The gas station attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."

The old man says, "We're from Nebraska."

Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, honey?"

The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." ...

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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2 guys are on a flight from London to Tokyo...

It’s about half way through their flight and the 2 guys hear a bang from outside the plane.

The pilot: Sorry folks, one of our engines has gone out, we still have 3 engines left so all is good, we just have to fly a little slower now so the flight will be half an hour longer.

*10 minut...

I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana...

Señor Citizens!

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My favorite sex position is called the USA.

It's where I get fucked by a bunch of rich folks and then left to rot afterwards.

Religious Grandma Still Drives

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I ...

A poem for you guys

I call it Panties at an Old Folks Home.

Rose's are red
Violet's are blue
Beatrice's are green

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No more Polish jokes folks.

All these Polish jokes here are very hurtful. Yesterday my friend who is Polish had read enough and tried to commit suicide by jumping out his basement window.

My folks went to a planet with no bilateral symmetry

And all they brought me was this lousy F-shirt.

Buddy and his wife, Edna, went to the state fair every year, and every year, Edna would say

“Buddy, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”

Buddy always replied, “I know Honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair and Edna said ,”Buddy, I’m 85 years old and if I don’t ride that helicopter I might never...

What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?

None of them are straight.



(As a member of both groups I now hate myself for telling this joke).

Folks who are Jewish are the “Chosen People”

But the Muslims are the “randomly selected.”

Oh, boy! Horsie ride!

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
<...

I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but...

It’s tearable.

Some folks came to my door this morning....

And asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.

I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

One day in a small town, a man buys land right infront of a church

He decides to build a brothel there and when the priest and the other religious folk heard that, they strongly stood against the construction of the house of many sins. However, nobody could do anything because the land was not theirs and the man could legally build anything he wanted there.

...

A notorious liar walks into a bar and shouts "Hi folks ! It's me !"

But it wasn't him.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

The saying “never lend your books, you’ll never get them back” is true

I know this because my library is full of books that other folks have lent me

Do you know Colin? (Long)

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I...

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A Stockbroker moves to Scotland

A Wall Street Stockbroker decided one day he’d had enough of stress and moved to rural Scotland. His cottage was miles away from the next one and he found the tranquility relaxing.

After a few days he answered a knock at the door, before him stood a Scotsman in a kilt; 6’9 tall, ginger hair ...

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Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?

To keep them from rolling out of bed.

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the estab...

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

Area 51

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and h...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a sel...

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

Dude is getting ready for prom night

He thinks to himself; "I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!".

He thinks about what he'll need. "I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!" So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thin...

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was...

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A Guy Gets on an Airplane

All is normal until about an hour in when the guy hears a strange noise. Shortly after, the captain says “uh folks there’s nothing to worry about, one of our engines just broke. Luckily, we have two more, but there will be a delay in reaching our final destination”. About another half hour goes by a...

Kid goes to the old folks home to visit grandpa,

finds him on the veranda with his cronies. A few minutes go by, when one of the old codgers says “thirty-two.” Everyone erupts into laughter.

Few seconds later, a different geezer says “seventy-seven.” Same thing, uproarious laughter.

The kid finally asks gramps, “what gives with th...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

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Why don’t black folks go on cruises?

They’re not falling for that shit again.

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Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

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During It's 60th Year Anniversary, an Old Folk's Home Decided to Get a Magician to Perform.

This Magician Was Unlike Any Other Magician. He Specialised in Hypnosis.


That Day, He Brought His Family's Heirloom, a Pocket Watch Made of Gold.


At Noon, Everyone Gathered At the Home's Hall, Waiting for The Magician's Arrival.


Upon Arriving, the Magician Pulled Out...

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

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A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and BDSM-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast....

How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs a...

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

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A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."

And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

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Two old folks at a home had been trying to have sex with each other for awhile

Finally during the big Christmas party the nurses weren’t looking and they snuck away to her room and got it on. When they were done he turned to her and caressed her hair and said “Darling, if I knew you were still a virgin I would have taken my time.” Then she said “Well If I knew you could still ...

I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa. Well, I think it is a scam.

Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving.

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A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, ...

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I AM NOT DYLSEXIC!

thats all folks.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. As the fourth one is about to order the bartender stops them, pours two beers and says “you folks should know your limits.”

I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.

I'll call it Leper-Con.

Half price admission for the wee folk.

A college student sends a letter to his folks back home

Dear Mom and Dad,

**$**chool i**$** really great. I am making lot**$** of friend**$** and **$**tudying very hard. My profe**$$**or**$** are al**$**o **$**uper cool! With all my **$**tuff, I **$**imply can't think of anything I need, **$**o if you would like, you can ju**$**t **$**end me a ca...

What do Alabama folks and children celebrating Halloween have in common?

They both wanna pump kin

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In an old folks home, Gladys notices that Arthur's been looking down lately

She walks over and asks him what's wrong. Arthur tells her "Lately I've been feeling especially lonely at night. Before she passed away, my wife would sleep next to me and hold my willy to help me feel safe and loved".

Gladys thinks about it and decides that there's no harm in offering to sle...

A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".


(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?

Sight unseen.

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A Jewish family had to put Grandpa in an old-folks home...

But there were no beds available at the Jewish one, so against his wishes they put him in the Catholic one across town. After a few days, they went to visit him to see how he was keeping.

They were concerned that he would hate it, but when they asked him how it was he said, "Let me tell you, ...

A man walks into a bar....

He now has a concussion. Watch where you are walking, folks.

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks.

Dad loved her, but mum said she could’ve done with another hour on a low heat.

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An American walks into a pub in Ireland

...he sits down next to an old, mangled Irishman who is clearly on his umpteenth drink of the afternoon.

As the American orders a beer, the Irishman leans over to him and says:

> What’d ya think of this bar, young man?

“It’s nice.” The American says, nonplussed. He just wan...

It's old man Jenkin's 94th birthday at the old folks home

He asked a member of staff "young woman, how old are you?"
The woman replied "why, I'm 24"
Old man Jenkins says "do you know how many times 94 can go into 24?"
The woman says "I have no idea"
Jenkins whispers in her ear "meet me after scrabble practice and we can find out"

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist?

A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing.

Donald Trump visits an old folks' home

to mingle with the people and pick up a little good P.R. at the same time. He walks up to a sweet old lady in a wheelchair who smiles at him with an other wise blank stare.

"Do you know who I am ?" asks Donald Trump.

She responds, "No, but if you ask the desk, they'll tell you.

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I’m going to hell for this one....

A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks...

Why do black folk carry around "boomboxes"?

it's just their stereo-type!

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

White folk hate math.

Especially when they heard in Calculus they'd have to integrate.

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