What do rich folks and rats have in common?

They’re leaving New York City

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down?

Build a house next to it.

Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died.

He had brain tubers.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

What's the worst think about moving back with your folks in your 60's?

Waiting for the inheritance

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

I recently visited my grandfather in his old folks home..

We sat down at a table in the cafeteria and started to chat. He said things were going okay but sounded a little frustrated.

Just then he starts to lean over, almost off his chair, when a nurse rushes over and straightens him back up. My grandfather mumbled something under his breath.
...

True Story: My wife took my 15 year old daughter to get her 1st...

Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they tha...

They say old folks can't party.

That's not true. We party like it's 1959.

Then we go to bed like its 20:00.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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A woman starts her new job at an old folks home

She's placed in the dementia ward and goes about her day. Later in the day, an old man starts running around the TV area with his arms held wide, making airplane noises shouting "I'm flying to California! I'm flying to California!"

She rushes over and calms him down, finally able to sit him ...

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Don't Do It In The Dark

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I applied it to the head

Thought it was lube


Now my hand's stuck to the end

Turns out it was glue

Sorry if I'm leaving you on read

Right arm's down to my nude


For hours I've been on my bed

My folks ...

One the first day of class, the professor writes their name on the chalkboard and says "Welcome to Anthropology 101. Every student here is guaranteed to pass because of how little I care about teaching..."

"Seriously folks, I don't give an F."

The queen is coming to mortal kombat as DLC that's right folks...

REPTILE IS PLAYABLE AGAIN!


She also gives iguanas a bad name.

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No more Polish jokes folks.

All these Polish jokes here are very hurtful. Yesterday my friend who is Polish had read enough and tried to commit suicide by jumping out his basement window.

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

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So there is this guy in the old folks home

He’s talking with Barbara and the subject of sex comes up. Barbara says “Ray you old coot, you couldn’t get it up if you wanted to.” “I know I know but I wished I had someone to just hold it sometimes.” Ray says. “Well I could do that.” Says Barbara.

And they got to a secluded place and she ...

The Helicopter Ride

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

Finally, t...

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An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, every...

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Write it down, folks. It's a good one!

From the legendary Hal Roach:

Paddy Flanagan is the first man in his small country town to buy a motorcycle and he takes his friend Seamus for a ride.

They are buzzing along through the glens and hills when Seamus begs for a break. "The wind is coming through my jacket and cutting me ...

The folks in r/legaladvice are weird..

Almost every comment is about how they ANAL

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Folks in my hometown are so judgmental!

I(40) tried to take my wife(19) out for a nice dinner and everyone kept staring and calling me a paedophile! It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary!

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The old old folks home.

A man and woman are in a nursing home and they start into a bottle of whiskey that the man has. He eventually talks her into taking her top off. Further down in the bottle of whiskey he is trying to talk her into taking her pants off. "Oh, i don't know. I have acute angina. " "Well I hope so! Those ...

What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?

None of them are straight.



(As a member of both groups I now hate myself for telling this joke).

Folks who are Jewish are the “Chosen People”

But the Muslims are the “randomly selected.”

I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana...

Señor Citizens!

A man and his dog were walking along a road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to...

Trump is visiting a class

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my bes...

ǝɹǝɥdsᴉɯǝɥ uɹǝɥʇnos ǝɥʇ ɯoɹɟ ǝɹ,ǝʍ ǝsnɐɔǝq ʇsnɾ uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝɹ,ǝʍ ʎɐs sʎɐʍlɐ ǝldoǝd uǝɥʍ ǝʇɐɥ I puɐ uɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ oslɐ ɯ,I

Stupid Northern hemisphere folk..

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

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Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?

To keep them from rolling out of bed.

Damn girl, if you were a school...

I would shoot K*** inside you.

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

These Are the Jokes Folks!

Why don't Natives, like snow??


Because, it's white and on their land!

My folks went to a planet with no bilateral symmetry

And all they brought me was this lousy F-shirt.

I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but...

It’s tearable.

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A Birthday Gift For My Dad

This conversation has to have come up before with these devices. I generally don't have much wit, but my Dad pitched me such a lob, I couldn't resist to nail him with the "obvious."

I called my Dad to ask him if he might like a set of Tile Stickers. These are cool little devices you can stick...

Moses comes back down from the mountain

Got good and bad news, folks. The good news: I got him down to 10. The bad news: Adultery is still on the list.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

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Newfie joke (newfoundlander) east coast of Canada

A newfie named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician...

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Why don’t black folks go on cruises?

They’re not falling for that shit again.

Old Age Fun

Told to me by my 80 year old mother. Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an older folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and strip naked. Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to ...

The pope dies and goes to heaven

So St. Peter opens the door.

Peter: Yup, who is it?

Pope: It's me. The pope.

Peter: Who?

Pope (incredulous): The pope. Christ's successor in the church.

Peter (sizes him up, snickers): Hold that thought.

He closes the pearly gates and asks for Jesus to come ...

A notorious liar walks into a bar and shouts "Hi folks ! It's me !"

But it wasn't him.

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

Kid goes to the old folks home to visit grandpa,

finds him on the veranda with his cronies. A few minutes go by, when one of the old codgers says “thirty-two.” Everyone erupts into laughter.

Few seconds later, a different geezer says “seventy-seven.” Same thing, uproarious laughter.

The kid finally asks gramps, “what gives with th...

I met a lot of Australians recently

They are very unique folk. They are obsessed with eye color. Mine are, apparently, very amazing. Whenever I meet one, for whatever reason, the first thing they always say is "good eye."

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During It's 60th Year Anniversary, an Old Folk's Home Decided to Get a Magician to Perform.

This Magician Was Unlike Any Other Magician. He Specialised in Hypnosis.


That Day, He Brought His Family's Heirloom, a Pocket Watch Made of Gold.


At Noon, Everyone Gathered At the Home's Hall, Waiting for The Magician's Arrival.


Upon Arriving, the Magician Pulled Out...

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."

And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

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A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and BDSM-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast....

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.

When NASA was preparing, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the ...

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was...

What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?

A hootenanny.

I once went to climb Mount Everest...

... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.

I said, “How is that possible?”

He said, “Himalayan Rooster”


P.S I told that joke to a farm girl today and to all the other ag folk who clapped it made my day. Even if there’s only two of y...

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If you shit the bed one more time - I'm throwing your sheets out the window!

An elderly man in an old folks home has had a problem going number 2 in bed. The nurse has to change he sheets every morning so she finally breaks down and yells at him, "If you shit the bed one more time I'm throwing your sheets out the window!"

Well, sure enough, the next morning she finds...

Where Do Country Folks Get Off At?

Cornhub

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

How do the folks at the Genius Bar drink their beer?

Out of Einsteins

I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa. Well, I think it is a scam.

Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving.

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An older Scottish man is having a drink at the local pub

A younger man from out of town sits down next to him at the bar and orders a drink. They sit in silence for a bit, then the older man turns to the younger man and says, “Sonny, ye see the bar our glasses are resting on? I built it with me own two hands, but when folks see me coming, do they say to t...

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

...

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

A college student sends a letter to his folks back home

Dear Mom and Dad,

**$**chool i**$** really great. I am making lot**$** of friend**$** and **$**tudying very hard. My profe**$$**or**$** are al**$**o **$**uper cool! With all my **$**tuff, I **$**imply can't think of anything I need, **$**o if you would like, you can ju**$**t **$**end me a ca...

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Two old folks at a home had been trying to have sex with each other for awhile

Finally during the big Christmas party the nurses weren’t looking and they snuck away to her room and got it on. When they were done he turned to her and caressed her hair and said “Darling, if I knew you were still a virgin I would have taken my time.” Then she said “Well If I knew you could still ...

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In an old folks home, Gladys notices that Arthur's been looking down lately

She walks over and asks him what's wrong. Arthur tells her "Lately I've been feeling especially lonely at night. Before she passed away, my wife would sleep next to me and hold my willy to help me feel safe and loved".

Gladys thinks about it and decides that there's no harm in offering to sle...

I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.

I'll call it Leper-Con.

Half price admission for the wee folk.

I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks.

Dad loved her, but mum said she could’ve done with another hour on a low heat.

There was this young minister that had just started his first preaching gig.

Like many younger folks he was environmentally-minded, and as such he rode a bicycle to church. After a month of preaching he finds his bike gone, and he thinks one of the members of the congregation stole it.

So he goes and talks to an older preacher to ask for advice. The wise minister tel...

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Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

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A Jewish family had to put Grandpa in an old-folks home...

But there were no beds available at the Jewish one, so against his wishes they put him in the Catholic one across town. After a few days, they went to visit him to see how he was keeping.

They were concerned that he would hate it, but when they asked him how it was he said, "Let me tell you, ...

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

What do Alabama folks and children celebrating Halloween have in common?

They both wanna pump kin

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

It's old man Jenkin's 94th birthday at the old folks home

He asked a member of staff "young woman, how old are you?"
The woman replied "why, I'm 24"
Old man Jenkins says "do you know how many times 94 can go into 24?"
The woman says "I have no idea"
Jenkins whispers in her ear "meet me after scrabble practice and we can find out"

How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?

Sight unseen.

Did you hear about the new LEGO store in the neighbourhood?

Folks are lining up for blocks!

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist?

A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing.

One for all of us country folks

Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Washington takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer’s field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

Why do black folk carry around "boomboxes"?

it's just their stereo-type!

White folk hate math.

Especially when they heard in Calculus they'd have to integrate.

There were 2 best friends

They had messed up their last minute cooking plan and decided to go out for dinner. By the time they reached the restaurant, they realised that they both forget their wallets.

The first guy said "I can't really go back to my house now because I live in an apartment and the folks would be slee...

Donald Trump visits an old folks' home

to mingle with the people and pick up a little good P.R. at the same time. He walks up to a sweet old lady in a wheelchair who smiles at him with an other wise blank stare.

"Do you know who I am ?" asks Donald Trump.

She responds, "No, but if you ask the desk, they'll tell you.

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

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Old folks home

My grandfather lives in an oldfolks home and one night while I was visiting a nurse walks in and hands him a mug of hot cocoa and a pill. I ask what the pill is, she says "It's viagra" confused I ask "why?" She says "well the cocoa is to make him sleep and the viagra is to stop him from rolling out ...

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

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An old man is running through the halls of an old-folks home wearing a cape

and yelling "Super Sex! Super Sex!"

An old lady pokes her head out of her room and says,

"I'll have the soup."

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Be Polite

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

"I HAVE to be o...

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A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

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