I said to my wife while in the bedroom "Your underwear is too tight and revealing"

"Wear your own then" she replied..

What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So you could read her lips.

What's the difference between an oak tree and a tight shoe?

One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

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The Human mouth is amazing. It can suck, blow, create a vacuum , is water tight....

And can create and infinite amount of shit!

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fi...

I’m not saying my wife is tight fisted with money..

But I had to join her only fans to see her naked .

Might aswell.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

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Going To Hooters

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington.
They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "...

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A Mistletoe

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

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Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. (Long, and works better when spoken)

A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience. T...

Larry goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

Covid restrictions on the NFL are so tight

Even the Chiefs didn’t show up

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor for the first time

As soon as they sit down, the wife starts complaining about the husband. "He never cleans up, he never cooks for the family, and he doesn't say he loves me enough..."


This continues for some time until finally the counselor stands up and tells the wife to stop. He then says, "Stand up and...

Hank the Cowboy

May not be super funny, but this joke makes my brother heave a little.





For years, Hank worked his corner of the old west frontier by himself. He'd sell his goods to people heading west and collected a good sum over time. Hank was notoriously tight fisted with his money. He was...

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My wife asked me if her pussy was tight

Apparently, "A lot tighter than your sister's!" was not the answer she was looking for.

I gave my friend a really tight sports bra as a going away present.

It was just my way of saying spanks for the mammaries.

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Finding the right dog

Joey decides he wants to start hunting, and he just loves the taste of fresh duck. He starts gathering gear for his first trip when an old-timer mentions he's gonna need a dog. The old-timer goes on to tell him to be careful of the dog he gets. If the dog's asshole is too big, it'll fill with water ...

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How I got banned from the strip club for giving a tip. (Long story)

I saw this patron at the club often buying a hundred pack of one dollar bills.

He would break open the pack and toss them all up in the air and shout **"Let it Rain"**

All the girls would scramble to pick up all the money and all you saw was ass and titts eveywhere for about 20 second...

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that

he was Jewish.

A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...

...and rubbed them against the car door.

Magically, it opened!!

"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."

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A 7 foot tall giant of a man walks into a bar...

...carrying a brown box. Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.
 
He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it ...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank?

They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

T...

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With a seductive voice...

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a s...

They always say pants from France are too tight....

....I'm not sure why. I always find French pants Toulouse.

An 80 year old man went to buy some clothes. He tried some modern tight dresses and when asked for a feedback, he told "These are like cheaply made castles."

No ball room

Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?

Cause otherwise, they'd be boxers!!!

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A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whiskey for the cat."

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

After they finished their drinks, it was the ostrich's turn to buy a round.<...

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My plastic surgeon thinks his new girlfriend's pussy is too tight.

But he really likes her so he's going to cut her some slack.

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Hit medley

I am no native English, so probably there is some lost in translation.

This is an old Russian joke that my five-year-old who survived WWII just made up.

The pope is traveling Australia. At a gas station, the owner, yells "check, mate" - his horse mayo neighs and the pope falls on his h...

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I'm currently testing a penis enlargement method I found on the internet where you put tight o-rings on your dick for some days.

I think it's starting to work, my penis already turned black.

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What’s wet, warm, tight and cosy?

My wetsuit when I piss in it

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

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Bronco

I asked my friend “Do you know anything I can try in the bedroom, it’s been a bit boring lately?”

My friend “Have you tried Bronco sex?”

Me “Wtf?”

My friend “OK so you bend her over, you take hold of her real tight and then you whisper in her ear… You ain’t as good as your siste...

I try wearing tight jeans..

but I could never pull them off

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

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Wife and Husband Dream

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away for free."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pr...

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A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.

They’re my last reshorts.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

Why does superman wear tight shirt?

Because it's sized "S"

HUSBAND: I hate to say this, but your swimming costume is quite tight and revealing.

WIFE: Well, wear your own one then.

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

The last batch of suicide bombers were very tight knit.

They used to sing together, dance together, laugh together. True brethren. At the end they had a blast doing their job.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

My girlfriend is too tight

I know something is wrong but I just cant put my finger in it

Your mom calls me chalkline

Cause I stretched her tight and left a mark.

The owner of a large cow farm walks into his barn

He sees that almost 80 of his cows have been packed tightly into the barn and the whole place smells of marijuana. He looks around at several of his farm hands who are smoking and shocked asks, "What are you doing?! OSHA is on their way for an inspection right now!"

One answered, "We know, ...

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

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A man was stranded alone on a desert island for 10 years

A beautiful woman in a skin-tight wetsuit washes up on shore and walks up to him. She asks, "How long has it been since you had a drink?"

"About ten years," the man says. The woman unzips her wetsuit a little at the neck, pulls out a flask, hands it to the man and he drinks deeply.

"H...

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There was a rude monkey who always made fun of the a lion.

So there lion always ignored him and pretended the monkey didn't exist. Anyhow one time the monkey came and barraged the lion with insults, while a lioness was watching.

As usual the lion ignored, even though the monkey was on the ground, not even trying to hide.

Angry at the lion, th...

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

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I really don't like tight spaces.

That's why I shag your mum.

NSFW: Too Tight!

So I just heard this one from, believe it or not, my sweet old mom. I'm not sure if it's original or not.

An older woman goes to a plastic surgeon who has perfected a fantastic new technique. As he's doing a face lift he installs a little screw on the top of each clients head. This way, ...

What do a tupperware collector and an eskimo have in common?

They both like a tight seal

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I hate having sex in a sleeping bag, it’s too tight, you get really sweaty...

and it’s hard to breathe because your scout leader’s hand is covering your mouth

It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees...

"I'm scared" said the little girl.

"You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"

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What is a bucking bronco fuck?

That is where you mount your wife from behind. Then you grab onto her tits real tight and say "You're almost as good as your sister."

My 6 year old son told me he wants to be tied very tightly to stars when he grows up

I asked why??


He said wants to be an Astronaut.

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A man wakes up next to his wife one morning. He asks his wife if she had any dreams that night

"Well, I dreamed I was at an auction for cocks," the wife replied. "Really big cocks got bids of $100, and the tiny ones got bids of $10."

"Oh yeah? What did mine go for?" the husband slyly asked with a wink.

"Pfft, it didn't get a single bid," replied the wife.

The husband grum...

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A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

I used to think that Islamic countries were tight on their drug laws...

...but that can't be right. They still let women get stoned, don't they?

I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were.

I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off

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Husband and Wife

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for Peni$es. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his ...

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The woman by the lake...

So, this morning. I went for a walk at the park. Not a run, just a nice leisurely stroll along the lake. As I was walking on the path, I saw a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench and she was crying.

I was trying to be nice and felt bad for her, so figured I’d see if she wanted t...

Really looking forward to the Superbowl this year. We get to see two of the best tight ends on the field...

Shakira and JLo.

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Why guys like a girl with "big tits and a tight pussy"

So they fit with his big mouth and small dick.

What do you call two nuns and a hooker playing football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver

The wife said I'm tight and we never do anything, so we've just been out for tea and biscuits.

Quite exciting to be honest, never given blood before.

I know a man he is so tight with money that...

On Christmas day he brings his kids to the graveyard and shows them Santa's grave

Bought a pair of new shoes the other day - clerk said they might be a bit tight the first couple of days.

That’s fine I said - I’m not gonna wear them until Friday.

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I was with a woman the other night, she told me she was very tight down there..

So we're going at it, and she asks me to put a finger in her. I proceeded with not problem.

Things were getting hotter and wetter...so she asked me to insert another finger. I complied.

It was obvious she was having fun, but after a few minutes, she asked me to add a third one. Guess w...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, the man says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of lager please"

The ostrich says "and I'll have the same"

The cat then says "Gin & tonic for me, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender looks a bit perplexed but announces ...

My girlfriend's tights have ripped

They're on their last legs now.

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A man on a train is sitting across a gorgeous young lady, with tight short skirt on (NSFW)

She uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully apologizes, and promises that it will not happen again.
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The man w...

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What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip ?

We used to be tight before we let some dick get between us.

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Two Men drinking at a bar

Man 1: said to his friend I want to go home; I want to take off my wife’s panty.

Man 2: asked Why? Because you want to have sex with your wife?

Man 1: answered No! I want to go home and take it off cause it’s too tight for me.

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As you know, last year's Furrycon got out of hand. This year, I'm cracking down. Zero furry porn, and figure-hugging fursuits that are tight against the buttocks will not be allowed. This rule is 100% non-negotiable.

No yiffs, no butts.

How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

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jack was sent to a military base in the middle of nowhere

after getting to know his fellow crewmates, he asked one of them: "so what do you guys do when you get frustrated?"

he replied: "well there's a tree west from here, and it has this hole that feels just like a tight pussy, it's really great"

jack thought to himself: "a tree? I'm not THA...

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I don’t quite know what it is about tight fitting shorts that turns me on so much.

Normally I wear a size L.

I wore a size M and it felt great at the start but the novelty soon wore off. I thought I’d really spice things up by squeezing into an S.

It was deeply erotic but they stopped the blood to my legs and hurt my testicles.

So I went to the doctors and ...

I was behind a fat girl in tight jeans at the supermarket checkout...

Her label said “Guess?”

I said, “ Oh I don’t know, 450 pounds?”

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

What did one fungi say to anotber while packed tight in a box..

Cor there ain't mushroom in here...

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