UPJOKE
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Are Monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

Happy Spooktober everyone.

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it hard to tell if monsters are gay?

Because they are in the closet

What do sea monsters eat for dinner?

Fish and ships

What sort of monsters don't eat the crust?

I mean it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste like the rest of the watermelon

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

What day of the week do sea monsters get married?

Wednesday

How do monsters tell their fortune?

They read their horror-scopes.

My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom.

So I switched them out for red bull.

Nintendo is making a new game about gambling monsters.

It's called Pokermon.

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

Why would you think a show about children and monsters is weird?

Honestly, I've seen stranger things

What search engine do spooky monsters use?

Ghoul ghoul.

What do you call a city full of monsters?

Monstrocity

At what point do mobsters become monsters?

The third letter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having trouble sleeping at night....

....due to a persistent and irrational phobia of monsters being under his bed. Despite knowing that there were no such things as monsters, his brain refused to let go of the fear that had haunted him all his life. He was undergoing therapy with a psychologist, but had gotten nowhere in several years...

What do witchers do when they're not busy killing monsters?

They kill time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the scarers in monsters inc are gay

They're always coming out of closets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a shitty year for Halloween monsters

Real life has been a lot scarier

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money,

I like to call them, “the accidents,” but my wife insists on calling them our children.

Frankenstiens divorce

Idk if you guys have heard the news, but Frankenstien is getting a divorce,.... apparently he couldn't take Mrs franenstiens moaning anymore,

He's said what tipped him over the edge was when they was having a Halloween get together with all the other monsters and Mrs frankenstien had set the...

Why are monsters hipsters?

Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool.

What is a sea monsters favourite snack?

Ship n dip

What is a superstitious monsters favorite daily read?

Its horrorscope

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

A Greek guy walks into a tavern and sees two sea monsters arguing

"What's up with them?" he asks.

"Oh, that's scylla and charybdis."

"Are they usually this angry?"

"Yeah, but they're not violent. Just don't get between them."

Monsters under my bed

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night so I went to a shrink and told him... "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there is somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. ...

What do You call a crowdfunding site for cannibalistic monsters?

Windigogo!

Two sea monsters are chillin’ in the ocean.

A ship full of potatoes sails by and the first sea monster gobbles it up. A second ship full of potatoes sails by and the monster gobbles that one up as well. After seeing this happen several more times the second sea monster turns to the first and says “Dude, what’s with you and these ships?”
...

Roses are red, monsters are green

Look in the mirror, you'll see what I mean

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

The government has covered up the existence of monsters for centuries...

The truth is kept under Loch and key.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

Why do milk monsters walk weirdly?

Because they lactose.

Halloween is strange

Halloween is the only time of year you can point out that someone's children are little monsters and not have them take offense.

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