UPJOKE
fablefolklorestorymythsaintmythologynarrativetitlecaptiontalerealismherostarfictiongreats

Legend Jokes

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

Legend has it there was a Sensei who is said to have bested all of his opponents by waiting for just the right moment to strike

He went by "Tai Ming"

Playing Legend of Zelda has really improved my work ethic

My boss says that I'm "Hylian Efficient."

The legend once said that...

Death had a near-Chuck Norris experience

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend Kevin is a legend. He went out and got three blow jobs.

Then he came over to give me one. What a friend!

The Legend of the King and the Fisherman

After the palace meteorologist assured them there was no chance of rain, the King and the Queen went fishing.

On the way, they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and they asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesties, you should return to the palace...

You play World of Warcraft AND Leage of Legends?

Wow, lol.

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.

The Legend of Saint Andrew

While Jesus was on the cross, several of his disciples were in the crowd nearby. When Jesus spotted Andrew, he called out to him "Andrew! Andrew!" At this, Saint Andrew pushed his way through the crowd, "Yes Lord! What is it?". The Roman guards saw the commotion and roughly bashed Andrew back with t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Legend of the King Sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today, ...

A Legend is afoot

Sorry, let me say that again: A Leg-end is a foot

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?

That guy’s a legend.

Can't decide if I want to steal some bikes or visit a heavy metal legend..

Either way I'm going to rob Halfords

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pygmy tribe legend

Once upon a time, there was a magical jungle called Mimbubu. In this magical jungle there lived a tribe of Amazon Pygmies.

Legend has it that the Mimbubu jungle was inhabited by an evil and deadly bird, the Foo bird. The tribe tells the story of how the Foo bird stalks its prey while...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

I was making a legend of Zelda joke...

I was making a legend of Zelda joke but it turned into a bigfoot joke.

It was missing a link.

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man, The Myth, the Legend: Frank Feldman!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you nee...

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

I would make a legend of Zelda joke but...

I don't want to tri and force it...

The Legend of Curtis

So imagine a dude named Curtis. Curtis had a marker, and a billion sheets of paper. On each of the sheets, he drew the letter E as big as he can fit it into the page. When he finished, he scattered each and every one of those pages all over Earth. They’re pretty much everywhere, there may even be on...

An old Tahitian legend...

As the legend goes, when the Tahitians first found their island, after they had settled in, they decided to build a grand central hall for their new settlement. Unlike contemporary Europeans, though, they built their dwellings not out of timber or stone but out of the materials they had at hand: ree...

Here's an old legend with a new twist

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the tow...

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

I tried to find a legend of Zelda driving game soundtrack...

But all I could find was a Link in Park.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

Did you hear the news about Shang Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings?

Apparently, Shang Chi is notorious for never answering his phone

Legend tells of an incredible hero...

Legend tells of an incredible hero: Carto-Man. Half of his body is a regular human, but the other half is made up of a key from a map.


The man, the myth, the legend

According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012.

2021\*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If r/Jokes posts were like YouTube videos

Joke title: IS THIS THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE?

Hello welcome to my joke, this joke is sponsored by BackdooredVPN, get the VPN service for just $29.95 a month. Also sponsored by Microtransaction Legends, download the app for free today.

Before we share the joke we want to remind you tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

You know what happens when you post a Legend of Zelda song on YouTube...

A copyright strike is imminintendo.

Why do the french hate League of Legends?

They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering

Why is Legend of Zelda better than Star Wars?

It has triple the force.

Why are foot models legends?

They have achieved incredible feats

In "I Am Legend", Will Smith survived alone for years.

24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies.

AND that girl stole his bacon.

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving is like League of Legends

Everyone but me is fucking terrible.

A frog walks into a bank.

The frog hops up on the counter of the nearest available teller and says "I want a loan."

Confused, the teller asks for the frog's name.

"My name is Kermit Jagger, son of Rolling Stone's legend Mick Jagger, and I want a loan" he says. "And what is **YOUR** name?"

"My name is Pat...

The Legend of Zelda Joke

Do you know why Ganon can't use the internet?

There's too many Links.

Did you hear about the Legend of Zelda gardening sim?

You play as Link, the hero of Thyme.

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between me and a raid shadow legends ad having sex with a girl

The ad is longer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandad told me this one (the guy is a legend)

A girl is sat in the hairdresser's, eating some cake.

She is sat quite close to the barber, so she asks,

"Excuse me sir, would you mind moving away from me a bit, I'm going to get hair on my muffin"

He replies, "Yeah, and your gonna get tits aswell."


NOTE: I have no c...

My wife was leaving me because I made too many Legend of Zelda references

My wife was leaving me because I made too many Legend of Zelda references. She packed up her suitcase, and she walked out. As soon as she walked out of the door, I noticed that she had left her suitcase here. We live in a bad neighborhood, so she packed some pepper spray in it just in case. I quickl...

In Star Wars Legends, Rey discovers an unusual force ability...

...this allows her to turn as dark as the night like a shadow and even become the shadows of others, useful for creeping up on enemies. The First Order Stormtroopers spoke about this amazing power having heard about it from a commanding officer Rey fought with the force. "Sir was spun around and kno...

My granddad was something of a legend: he actually went down in history

and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

I hate how if a guy sleeps with a ton of girls hes a legend

But when a girl does it, its my wife.

Did you hear the urban legend about the creepy ghost that appears when you use artificial sweetener?

He's called Splendaman.

My school did a performance called League of Legends.

It was a play on wards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bus Driver and The Legend Dave......and also his wife

On Dave's Birthday his wife decided to take him to a Strip Club.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a ...

What do you get when you cryogenically freeze a genetic copy of basketball legend Kareem Abdul Jabbar?

An ice Kareem clone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does NA never do well at worlds in League of Legends?

Cuz Americans are shit at defending towers

What do you call people who design icons in League of Legends?

Lolicons.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.