What do Giants and Strippers have in common?

Grinding men’s bones to make their bread

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My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

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Why wasn't the village afraid of the fearsome, ejaculating giant?

They could see him coming from a mile away.

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

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Did you hear about the giant penis-shaped clock they erected during the great depression?

It reminds us how hard that time was.

Yesterday I saw aliens for the first time, they were tall and had blue skin with giant eyes. But what struck me the most is that they came in a green spaceship that had a rounded format

Turns out they do come in peas

Where do you find giant snails?

On a giant's fingers and toes.

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My friend asked why I have a giant gong in my apartment's living room. I told him it's just my clock.

He gave me a confused look, so I replied "here, I'll show you", and hit the gong really hard. It reverberated loudly throughout the apartment. Then we heard a voice through the wall: "You asshole!! It's 3AM!!"

Why was the giant bodybuilder arrested?

For shoplifting.

Two friends were walking and noticed a giant golden retriever laying down and licking its balls... one of them said what I wouldn’t do to be able to do that...

The other guy said -
Don’t you think you should pet him first?

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

How do you talk to giants?

You use big words.

Finally found a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I work at a clock tower, using a long straw to remove water that accumulates behind the glass so the giant clock face doesn't rust.

The pay is good, but the work sucks big time.

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The Giant Tapeworm

The fattest man in the world was proud of his accomplishment, he made a good living doing interviews and doing meet and greets for people in awe of his size. He noticed over time he was suddenly losing weight rapidly through no effort of his own. He ate more to compensate but still continued drop...

What did the giant squid say to the other giant squid?

What's kraken bro

A geologist discovers a giant rock that's 5280 feet across

It was quite the milestone

A crusty, old pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices a giant ship's wheel protruding from his belt buckle.

As the bartender sets down the drink, his curiosity gets the better of him, so he says, "Hey, forgive me for staring, but I couldn't help but notice that giant ship's wheel on your crotch. What's that all about?"

To which the pirate replies, "Aye matey, 'tis no real mystery you see, but it's ...

A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.

The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"

The priest replied "By all mea...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works. Makes the front page ...

I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

I've been diagnosed with the fear of giants...

...feefiphobia

Did you hear about the giant who had diarrhea?

It was all over town.

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

What did one geologist say to the other while they both stared down at a giant fissure in the rocks?

“I wonder whose fault this is.”

The cashier at Costco dared to ask me why I’m buying a giant tub of whiteout.

Big mistake.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who committed suicide by jumping into a giant vat of olive oil?

They say he lost his huile d’olive.

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

Three dwarves are lost, and have no food left.

Somehow, they make it to a giant’s house. Despite knowing that some giants eat dwarves, they are so starving that they decide to try their luck.

After knocking in the door, the giant’s kindly wife opens the door. She lets them in and prepares food for them, but warns them they will have to go...

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

I just heard a really good joke about a giant squid

It's Kraken me up

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

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One day a giant tornado went through Austria...

...but luckily all the children were already in the basement.

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A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

To solve world hunger we need to eat the rich and erect a giant statue of Bernie Sanders. Why do we need the statue?

Well, I’m glad that the first step didn’t raise any questions.

Why does Santa have such a giant sack?

It's because he only comes once a year.

I once ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms and drove from Flint from Auburn hills while being lectured by a Giant Goldcap on why i'd never do mushrooms again.

Turns out, he was completely right.

Did you guys hear about a terrorist group flying down south for a giant snowball fight against penguins

It was all over the news, the headlines read "Isis huge in Antarctica".

What would Dwane Johnson be if he transformed into a giant mythical bird?

He’d be The Roc.

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A man walks into a bar with a giant orange for a head...

A man walks into a bar with a giant orange for a head. He strolls up to the barman and says “hiya mate, could I get a pint of bitter please?”. The barman looks him in the face and says “no, you absolutely cannot. I’m not serving you. You’ve got a fucking massive orange for a head!”. The man, slightl...

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

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What do you call it when a giant masturbates?

Jacking the beanstalk

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the bodies of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

I had to take my mother to hospital yesterday after a giant bee landed on her face

Thankfully it didn't actually sting her, I was too quick with the shovel

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

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A man is walking down the street when he sees a girl with giant tits walking on the other side

He approaches her and asks “How much to bite your nipples?”
The girl shocked, goes “Fuck no, I’m not that kind of girl.
“Cmon, a hundred bucks?”
“No, fuck off”
“Fine, two hundred bucks?
“I said leave me alone”
“Okay fine, one thousand dollars? Cmon”
The girl stops and looks aro...

A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant...

Its called Eel-on Musk.

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

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This is getting way out of hand. For the past week, every morning at 6am sharp, a German Shepherd has come in to my garden and taken a giant poop, right there on the lawn. And you'll never believe what happened today...

He brought his dog with him.

What do you call a giant that smokes weed all day?

High and mighty.

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A bear is walking in the woods...

And he saw a big cave. Hoping there was food, he walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
-Why are you in my cave?
-I taught there was food?
-There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to fuck you or to kill you?
-No, I just...
-Fuck you or kill you?
-Ok...

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

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A woman walks into a bar and sees a guy at the other end with a giant, orange head.

Of course she’s intrigued, so she approaches the man and asks him, “Hello, I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how did you get that giant, orange head?”

The man with the giant, orange head replies, “It’s fine, I don’t mind telling the story. One day long ago I was walking along the beach whe...

If you go to a friends house and they have a giant banner of the Soviet Union hanging in their room

That should be a red flag

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

A man with a giant pumpkin for a head walks up to his friend...

The friend says, “My God! What happened to your head!?”

“Well,” says the man, “I found a genie in lamp who granted me three wishes.”

“What did you wish for?” says the friend.

“For the first one I wished for a hundred million dollars, and I got it!”

“And the second?”
...

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I dressed up like a giant rooster and scared my wife.

Apparently she doesn’t like boo cocky.

What did the giant pickle say to sound modest?

I’m kind of a big Dill.

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

I was so tried today after working at the giant keyboard factory..

I put in a big shift

Three giants are boasting...

...about who had the tallest father.

The first giant says: "My father was so tall, he was, when he took a step, his left foot was in Ohio and the right one was in Iowa."

The second giant says: "That ain't nothing. When my old man got up in the morning and had a good stretch, he'd hav...

There was a giant who was weak

His friends told him to hit the gym...

a lot of people died that day

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A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

The Pope and Hilary Clinton were on the same stage at the Yankee Stadium in front of a giant crowd...

The Pope leans towards Hilary and says, "Do you know with one wave of my hand I can make this entire crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Hilary said, " I seriously doubt that. ...

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

Jesus promised the end of wicked people. Thor promised the end of frost giants.

I don't see many frost giants.

This just in, giant fly attacking the city

The SWAT team has been called in to deal with the situation

If you be been to one giant shopping center from the 90s

you've been to the mall

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When we were kids, my brother dressed up as a giant penis for Halloween..

We were trick or treating and whenever we were walking to the next house he kept hitting me on the head with his bag of candy, I wanted to say "stop being a dick" but he worked so hard on that costume....

The New York Giants held "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."

The daughters won 27-3.

Some Mexicans were hunting moose in Canada for the first time and their first day out they shot a giant beautiful one with huge antlers.

They each grabbed a side of the antlers and started dragging it back to their truck snagging and catching small trees and bushes and making little progress. A Canadian saw them doing this and told them it would be easier if they dragged the moose by it's feet.

They took his advice and the an...

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What is giant, pink and drags across the ocean floor?

Moby's Dick

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Bear Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He Spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or I fuck you up the ass."
<...

My astronomy professor told me it was possible for a white dwarf to turn into a red giant

I then told him to pull his pants back up.

I found a French guy stuck in a giant loaf of bread.

He told me he was in a lot of pain.

A giant panda walks into a restaurant...

He orders some food, which is promptly brought to him by the waiter. The panda finishes his meal, gets up from the table, and pulls out a gun. He shoots the waiter and without saying a word, exits the restaurant.
The waiter, still bleeding, runs after the panda. He catches up with the panda and ...

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What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

Why should you never eat Jolly Green Giant vegetables?

Because he always stands over the corn and peas.

Ho ho ho....

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A man at work walks into his boss's office and bets him for two grand, that at exactly 2 AM, there will be a giant wart on his ass.

His boss is a bit confused, but he accepts the bet.
So at 2 AM the man walks into the office of his boss again and says that he would like to... have a look.
So his boss drops his pants, but the employee says that can't really see it all that well and asks him to stand in front of the window ...

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A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a giant orange head. Sensing the weird looks he was getting, the 2nd guy says "I'm guessing you are wondering what happened? Well, it's a long story..."

"But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me three wishes..."
"That's amazing! What happened?“
“Well for my first wish I asked for an end to world hunger.“
"Wow! That's really generous of you! What else did you wish for?"...

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie is retiring next month.

There'll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes.

My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

Instead of a wall we should put up a giant mirror

So when Mexicans try to cross they will read "welcome to Mexico" and turn around.

Maybe the universe is like a giant party...

and the planets just awkwardly follow the sun around because they don't know anyone.

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The Forgotten Pick-Up Line

A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar and begins to tell her a story.

"The other day, I was walking through the park, when something unexpected bumped against my shoe," he says.

The girl is intrigued. "Well, what was it?" she asks.

"It was a magic lamp," the man says. ...

What should we call this giant advertising board?

PHIL: A philboard

BILL: I have a better idea!

Think Positive for 2018. Jonathan Ross was out walking when he was knocked to the ground by a giant dog which stood over him barking. He thought..

..it's good to have a woof over your head.

Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night?

He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!

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