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Giant Jokes

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind bones to make their bread.

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants.

Fee-fi-phobia.

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

Hey, did you hear about that new giant monster that eats nuclear reactors?

It's on...



A plant based diet.

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

What do you call a giant who drowned in the sea

A titanic

Note: not sure if titan and giant are the same

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So when Aphrodite sprawls out bare-ass naked in a giant clam shell, she's a "goddess."

But when I do it, supposedly I'm "a drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium."

Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow

and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone.

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

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Did you know the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk works as a stripper now?

He'll grind your bone to make his bread.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

What do you call a giant walking joint that does gymnastics?

A tumbleweed.

Did you know the Norwegian navy has giant barcodes on the sides of it's ships?

Apparently so they can Scandinavian

A giant fly is attacking New York, but don't worry...

The SWAT team is on it.

Have you heard about giant with diarrhea?

Its all over town

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Did you know the human eye has a giant blindspot?

It's the Sun holy shit I can't see anything

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A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

Giant Beast…

Two hunters were out in the woods and got lost. After a while they decided they were going to have to make camp for the night. While looking for a place to settle down the came across a giant green monster. After a struggle they manage to kill the beast.

A bit of time by and one of them says...

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

This morning I fell into a giant vat of bleach, but don't worry...

I'm all white!

The temple of the giant sea cow has recently been rebuilt

Faith in huge manatee restored

What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market.

A tall medium who shorts.

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship

### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.

Knew somebody who used to live in a giant tire.

He got a puncture one day……..
#
#
#
Now he lives in a flat.

The Earth is a Giant Vibrator

Earthquakes are just god turning it on.

What do you call a fear of giants?

Fe Fi Fo-bia

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James and his giant peach

James was a delivery boy of amazing delicious fresh Indian food from one island to another. James loved peaches, the head chef told him to take a small peach and everyday he rowed out to the neighbouring island , for his good deed his peach would grow.
James on first day of work collected butter ...

Whadda ya get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A boring 747.

I almost got run over by a giant bunny

I was really a hare away from death

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The Forgotten Pick-Up Line

A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar and begins to tell her a story.

"The other day, I was walking through the park, when something unexpected bumped against my shoe," he says.

The girl is intrigued. "Well, what was it?" she asks.

"It was a magic lamp," the man says. ...

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A Giant walks into a bar...

He orders a huge tankard of beer and sits down right next to a leprechaun.

The leprechaun looks impressed at that enormous drinking vessel, stretches his head over it and 'ptui, ptui, ptui' - spits three times into the giant's beer.

Angered by the sheer audacity, the giant grunts: "F...

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.

I was making synonym toast.

The Giant Cigarette Lighter

A guy walks into a bar and sits beside another guy and immediately notices he has a giant cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow! That's a huge lighter! Where'd you get it?" The other guy replies, "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Cool! Can I try it?"

"Sure."...

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What three countries did the giant eat?

Got turkey, dipped it in Greece and fried it in Japan.

What do a giant squid and a paid hooker have in common

They both eat seamen

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

Turns out the archeologist's assistant wasn't actually crushed by a giant fresco.

It was a big relief

A giant globe fell on my son's face.

He's currently in hospital with sphere injuries.

A man with a giant, round orange head walks into a bar....

He sits down at the bar and the bartender asks why the giant round orange head....

The man says 'I came across a magic lamp and rubbed it and the genie granted me three wishes.'

'With my first wish I wished for all the money I would ever need and that's why I'm ordering a round for eve...

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

My wife asked me what's in the giant box they just delivered to my porch.

I said it's a condom.

What would happen if giant ducks roam the land?

Earthquacks

I ordered giant duck at a fancy restraunt last night

The bill was huge!

An Indonesian Giant

stubbed his foot on a volcano...

Did he Krakatoa?

The Pope and Hilary Clinton were on the same stage at the Yankee Stadium in front of a giant crowd...

The Pope leans towards Hilary and says, "Do you know with one wave of my hand I can make this entire crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Hilary said, " I seriously doubt that. ...

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What's 6 foot long, vibrates and turns a small penis into a giant prick?

A motorcycle.

On his first ever flight, a nervous man who was scared of flying sat next to a heavily tattooed and smelly giant of a man.

Unfortunately, during the flight the timid little fellow ended up getting physically sick. But since the large man was now fast asleep, and was between him and aisle, his way to the bathroom was blocked.

Suddenly it was too late, and he vomited all over the sleeping man. Quickly he tried t...

What did the giant squid say to the other giant squid?

What's kraken bro

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

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NSFW So i walk into a dungeon and see a giant pair of boobs...

I soon realized they belonged to Medusa!

She says "Umm, my eyes are up here?"

Me: Already rock hard.

what do you call a giant white dog

the great white bark (please laugh it took me so long to come up with this)

Giant: "I'll grind this orphan's bones to make my cake!"

Also Giant: "I find self-raising flour makes for a lighter and more consistent texture."

There was a giant, steel, robot who had one job, protect the city.

One day when it was raining some of the screws got rusty and fell off causing one of the legs to fall off entirely. When the leg fell off it crushed the city that it was meant to protect.

Oh, the iron knee!

Xi and Biden have a bet

Xi wagers that in 100 years time China would be the dominant superpower, while Biden is confident that the USA will remain uncontested.

So after their terms ended and they reached the end of their mortal coil, they were cryogenically preserved in Switzerland and woken up in 100 years.

...

Me hiding under the table from the giant...

Giant: I’ll grind your bones to make my bread

Me: *steps out with a grin* Well don’t eat my humerus bone because that’ll taste funny.

Giant: *throws me off the bean stalk*

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The Giant Tapeworm

The fattest man in the world was proud of his accomplishment, he made a good living doing interviews and doing meet and greets for people in awe of his size. He noticed over time he was suddenly losing weight rapidly through no effort of his own. He ate more to compensate but still continued drop...

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A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar...

A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar and strolls up to the bar that already has wall to wall customers. He shoves everyone to one side and demands the bartender's attention. Everyone is immediately cowed into silence by the look of him.

"Gimme a shot of whiskey!" He barks...

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

Where do you find giant snails?

On giant's fingers


I'll see myself out

Did you hear about the company's idea for a giant sandal?

Turned out to be a massive flop.

Did you hear the one about the 3 giant holes in the ground?

Well, well, well...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

Andre the Giant takes a commercial flight

The Giant is seated in a bulkhead seat for extra space. It’s still a tight fit for this behemoth of a man. He starts to take apart the armrest between his seat and the one next to him in hopes of creating a bit more space before takeoff. A flight attendant approached him asking if she could get h...

Two giant wind turbines are standing in a field

One turns to the other and asks “what of music do you like?”
The second one says, “well, I’m a huge metal fan”

Bee on the Alert!!! 60,000 Giant bees were recently stolen from a farm in Pennslyvania.

Police have a huge sting operation on their hands.

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A 7 foot tall giant of a man walks into a bar...

...carrying a brown box. Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.
 
He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it ...

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was real...

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I recently entered a giant testicles competition. I didn’t win.

But at least I held my own

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Last night, I tossed and turned as I had a dream that a giant grizzly bear ate me and I passed through its entire digestive tract.

I woke up feeling pooped.

Did you see that movie about Kong, the giant ape?

The plot was pretty bananas.

One of my joints is an giant international media conglomerate.

Which one?

Dis knee.

A giant fly has attacked the local Police Station

Police have called in the SWAT team

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My final wish was for a giant dick...

The genie dropped his pants.

what does it take to make a giant squid laugh

ten-tickles

How do you talk to a giant?

Use big words.

What do you call a giant animal that likes to dance on a pole? (NSFW)

A strippopotomus

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.

The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"

The priest replied "By all mea...

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

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A man is walking down the street when he sees a girl with giant tits walking on the other side

He approaches her and asks “How much to bite your nipples?”
The girl shocked, goes “Fuck no, I’m not that kind of girl.
“Cmon, a hundred bucks?”
“No, fuck off”
“Fine, two hundred bucks?
“I said leave me alone”
“Okay fine, one thousand dollars? Cmon”
The girl stops and looks aro...

Wife: "Why is this giant bra on the coffee maker?"

Husband: "You said you needed k cups."

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Confucius say virginity like giant bubble

One prick, all gone

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

I watched a film about a giant crocodile with erectile dysfunction....

Lake Flaccid.

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store.

Big mistake.

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

What would Dwane Johnson be if he transformed into a giant mythical bird?

He’d be The Roc.

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Giant Insect!

Young Mathilda is out driving with her mom as suddenly a giant dildo slams the front window.

They were both shocked and Mathilda asks her mom what it was.

A little flustered her mom innocently told her that it was just an insect.

Mathilda then said "Wow that insect had a giant c...

The Giant

On a planet far far away, there lived a race of aliens called the Twids. On this planet there was a mountain, and atop the mountain was a tree which hosted the most delicious fruit known the the Twid race. But there was a problem: there was a cave near the top that was home to a giant, and every tim...

My husband died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work.

He didn't suffer, it was instant.

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I was talking to my friend Jim when one of our mutual friends walks up with a giant pumpkin head….

We were both in awe so of coarse we asked what was up.

He responds “You won’t believe it, I found a genie, and I got 3 wishes!”

We both nodded skeptically and asked “For sure man. But your pumpkin hea….”

He cut us off to say “For my first wish I wished for a million dollars.”...

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

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One day a giant tornado went through Austria...

...but luckily all the children were already in the basement.

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A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange.

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes,
"OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks fo...

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In architecture and armoury, a "boss" is a giant knob.

And also in general.

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra..

He says it's a rigged erection

My buddy and I were out for a walk and noticed this giant hole in a field...

We walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock; no sound; no signs of it hitting the bottom!

So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole; no sound; no signs of it ever hitting the bottom.

My buddy notices a bunch of railroad ties along the forest line nearby. We lug the gi...

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