This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

What do you call a group of muslims that turn into a giant robot?

A mecca

Did you hear about the giant who had diarrhea?

It was all over town.

I just heard a really good joke about a giant squid

It's Kraken me up

A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.

The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"

The priest replied "By all mea...

I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout from the store.

It was a big mistake.

What do you call a pop star with giant nipples?

Areola Grande

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a giant tornado went through Austria...

...but luckily all the children were already in the basement.

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

Three dwarves are lost, and have no food left.

Somehow, they make it to a giant’s house. Despite knowing that some giants eat dwarves, they are so starving that they decide to try their luck.

After knocking in the door, the giant’s kindly wife opens the door. She lets them in and prepares food for them, but warns them they will have to go...

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

What do you get when you mix an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A Boring 747.

I've been diagnosed with the fear of giants...

...feefiphobia

I once ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms and drove from Flint from Auburn hills while being lectured by a Giant Goldcap on why i'd never do mushrooms again.

Turns out, he was completely right.

Did you guys hear about a terrorist group flying down south for a giant snowball fight against penguins

It was all over the news, the headlines read "Isis huge in Antarctica".

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a giant masturbates?

Jacking the beanstalk

Why does Santa have such a giant sack?

It's because he only comes once a year.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a giant orange for a head...

A man walks into a bar with a giant orange for a head. He strolls up to the barman and says “hiya mate, could I get a pint of bitter please?”. The barman looks him in the face and says “no, you absolutely cannot. I’m not serving you. You’ve got a fucking massive orange for a head!”. The man, slightl...

What would Dwane Johnson be if he transformed into a giant mythical bird?

He’d be The Roc.

I had to take my mother to hospital yesterday after a giant bee landed on her face

Thankfully it didn't actually sting her, I was too quick with the shovel

To solve world hunger we need to eat the rich and erect a giant statue of Bernie Sanders. Why do we need the statue?

Well, I’m glad that the first step didn’t raise any questions.

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the bodies of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

Imagine living in a giant bouncy castle.

I'm sure the rent would be insanely expensive but I would chalk that up to inflation.

A man is walking in the forest and finds a GIANT hole in the ground...

Wanting to see how deep it is, he finds a small stone and throws it in

He listens for it to land but doesn’t hear anything...

“Geez that’s deep” he thinks, and begins looking for for an even bigger stone to try with

He finds a good sized boulder and tosses it in..

Once ag...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking down the street when he sees a girl with giant tits walking on the other side

He approaches her and asks “How much to bite your nipples?”
The girl shocked, goes “Fuck no, I’m not that kind of girl.
“Cmon, a hundred bucks?”
“No, fuck off”
“Fine, two hundred bucks?
“I said leave me alone”
“Okay fine, one thousand dollars? Cmon”
The girl stops and looks aro...

What do you call a giant that smokes weed all day?

High and mighty.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

If you go to a friends house and they have a giant banner of the Soviet Union hanging in their room

That should be a red flag

A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant...

Its called Eel-on Musk.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a bar and sees a guy at the other end with a giant, orange head.

Of course she’s intrigued, so she approaches the man and asks him, “Hello, I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how did you get that giant, orange head?”

The man with the giant, orange head replies, “It’s fine, I don’t mind telling the story. One day long ago I was walking along the beach whe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear is walking in the woods...

And he saw a big cave. Hoping there was food, he walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells:
-Why are you in my cave?
-I taught there was food?
-There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to fuck you or to kill you?
-No, I just...
-Fuck you or kill you?
-Ok...

What did the giant pickle say to sound modest?

I’m kind of a big Dill.

Jesus promised the end of wicked people. Thor promised the end of frost giants.

I don't see many frost giants.

Three giants are boasting...

...about who had the tallest father.

The first giant says: "My father was so tall, he was, when he took a step, his left foot was in Ohio and the right one was in Iowa."

The second giant says: "That ain't nothing. When my old man got up in the morning and had a good stretch, he'd hav...

A man with a giant pumpkin for a head walks up to his friend...

The friend says, “My God! What happened to your head!?”

“Well,” says the man, “I found a genie in lamp who granted me three wishes.”

“What did you wish for?” says the friend.

“For the first one I wished for a hundred million dollars, and I got it!”

“And the second?”
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is getting way out of hand. For the past week, every morning at 6am sharp, a German Shepherd has come in to my garden and taken a giant poop, right there on the lawn. And you'll never believe what happened today...

He brought his dog with him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I dressed up like a giant rooster and scared my wife.

Apparently she doesn’t like boo cocky.

There was a giant who was weak

His friends told him to hit the gym...

a lot of people died that day

I was so tried today after working at the giant keyboard factory..

I put in a big shift

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

If you be been to one giant shopping center from the 90s

you've been to the mall

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When we were kids, my brother dressed up as a giant penis for Halloween..

We were trick or treating and whenever we were walking to the next house he kept hitting me on the head with his bag of candy, I wanted to say "stop being a dick" but he worked so hard on that costume....

A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is giant, pink and drags across the ocean floor?

Moby's Dick

Some Mexicans were hunting moose in Canada for the first time and their first day out they shot a giant beautiful one with huge antlers.

They each grabbed a side of the antlers and started dragging it back to their truck snagging and catching small trees and bushes and making little progress. A Canadian saw them doing this and told them it would be easier if they dragged the moose by it's feet.

They took his advice and the an...

My astronomy professor told me it was possible for a white dwarf to turn into a red giant

I then told him to pull his pants back up.

I found a French guy stuck in a giant loaf of bread.

He told me he was in a lot of pain.

The New York Giants held "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."

The daughters won 27-3.

My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

The Pope and Hilary Clinton were on the same stage at the Yankee Stadium in front of a giant crowd...

The Pope leans towards Hilary and says, "Do you know with one wave of my hand I can make this entire crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Hilary said, " I seriously doubt that. ...

This just in, giant fly attacking the city

The SWAT team has been called in to deal with the situation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a giant orange head. Sensing the weird looks he was getting, the 2nd guy says "I'm guessing you are wondering what happened? Well, it's a long story..."

"But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me three wishes..."
"That's amazing! What happened?“
“Well for my first wish I asked for an end to world hunger.“
"Wow! That's really generous of you! What else did you wish for?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie is retiring next month.

There'll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes.

Why should you never eat Jolly Green Giant vegetables?

Because he always stands over the corn and peas.

Ho ho ho....

Maybe the universe is like a giant party...

and the planets just awkwardly follow the sun around because they don't know anyone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man at work walks into his boss's office and bets him for two grand, that at exactly 2 AM, there will be a giant wart on his ass.

His boss is a bit confused, but he accepts the bet.
So at 2 AM the man walks into the office of his boss again and says that he would like to... have a look.
So his boss drops his pants, but the employee says that can't really see it all that well and asks him to stand in front of the window ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane that is about to crash.

The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The han...

Think Positive for 2018. Jonathan Ross was out walking when he was knocked to the ground by a giant dog which stood over him barking. He thought..

..it's good to have a woof over your head.

A giant pickle walks into a bar..

and everyone in the bar starts wanting to take selfies with him and buy him drinks. Once all the commotion settles, the bartender asks him why everyone was surrounding him to which the pickle replies, "Well, I'm kind of a big dill"

A giant panda walks into a restaurant...

He orders some food, which is promptly brought to him by the waiter. The panda finishes his meal, gets up from the table, and pulls out a gun. He shoots the waiter and without saying a word, exits the restaurant.
The waiter, still bleeding, runs after the panda. He catches up with the panda and ...

What should we call this giant advertising board?

PHIL: A philboard

BILL: I have a better idea!

Instead of a wall we should put up a giant mirror

So when Mexicans try to cross they will read "welcome to Mexico" and turn around.

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night?

He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.

He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW]A giant visits a village

He says that if there is someone here who can make him laugh and cry he wont destroy the village. An old man went to face the giant. After one hour he returns. Everyone excited comes to him and asks how he managed to make the giant laugh.
- I said my dick is bigger than his.
The villagers ...

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

This is my first dad joke post :)

What did the giant fan say to its owner?

I'm your biggest fan.

A snail hits the lotto and goes into a Rolls Royce dealership and orders his car to have a giant "S" painted on the doors.

When asked why he wanted it, he replied "I want everyone who sees me to say 'look at that S car go!'"

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being raped by a giant scorpion..

A giant mushroom attempts to enter a bar...

and is stopped by the bouncer. The bouncer says we'll have none of your sort in here tonight. The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra..

He says it's a rigged erection

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A giant porn conspiracy has been uncovered....

It was run by the illuminaughty

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Patriots are like a giant dick.

Everyone that tries to take them on, ends up choking.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Forgotten Pick-Up Line

A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar and begins to tell her a story.

"The other day, I was walking through the park, when something unexpected bumped against my shoe," he says.

The girl is intrigued. "Well, what was it?" she asks.

"It was a magic lamp," the man says. ...

Did you hear about the man who made a belt out of clocks for a giant?

It took him 2 years to make and looked terrible when worn.
It was a huge waist of time.

What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world?

You mean across?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Support your local mailman

On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash.

At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars.

At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, and his head is a giant orange.

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the baseball game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house, bu...

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

What Did the Giant Say to His Enemy When He Served Him Ramen at a Vietnamese Restaurant?

Fee Fi Fo Fum, Faux Pho For Foe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into the bank with a giant glass jar filled with coins.

Impressed, the teller exclaims "Oh, my! Did your horde all this yourself?"

The woman replied and said, no my sister whored for half of it.

3 men walk in the desert

They are thirsty and would do anything for a drink. Suddenly they see a giant slide and a sign next to it. It reads, “Slide down the slides and shout the name of the drink you want and when you reach the bottom of the slide, there will be a pool of it

The first man slides down the slide and ...