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Dracula is vegan for 1 reason..

Stake kills him.

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus?

When he's always coffin

What's the one state Dracula doesn't like?

Alabama. Because they all taste the same

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

Why won’t Dracula bite Mick Jagger?

Cause you can’t get blood out of a stone.

(my 6yo) What type of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?

Coffin Medicine

How many teeth does Dracula have?

I don't know. I didn't get close enough to Count.

Why did Dracula turn down the job at the mirror factory?

He just couldn't see himself doing the job

I work in a toy factory where dracula dolls are produced...

I only have one colleague at the production line so I have to make every second count.

Why did dracula get tested for covid-19?

Because of his coffin

Why did Dracula fail Art Class?

He could only draw blood!

They say dracula has turned over a new leaf

He's been re-vamped

Where does Dracula like to get washed?

In the bat tub

Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?

Because his doctor said stakes were bad for his heart.

source: My 7 year-old.

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll. All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched in hot nacho cheese.

He looks to the sky with a raised fist and shouts, "Curse you Buffet the Vampire Slayer!".

why can't Superman beat Dracula?

Because he's in the crypt tonight.

Which pokemon does Dracula like?

Koffin

What the difference between Vladimir Putin and Vlad the impaler (AKA Dracula)?

One sucks the blood of innocents and possesses eternal youth, the other is Dracula.

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he’d like to drink and he replies, “a bloody Mary, of course.”

The bartender then asks the second bloodsucker what he wants.

“A dark glass of red. A cabernet, perhaps.”

Finally the barkeep makes his way to third vampire to find out wha...

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

If we had listened to Trump, we could have saved more people from the Dracula.

He did tell us to stop The Count.

What do you call Dracula when he doesn't know what to say next?

An Umpire

Dracula needs some money!

So he's going straight to Only fangs.

Are Monsters good at math?

Not unless you *Count* Dracula.

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Son: They do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* They do the monster mash

Must be hard being a vampire

Me: hey Dracula you got something in your teeth?

Dracula: Where? Here?

Me: No not there

Dracula: Here?

Me: No, just look in the m..

Dracula: look in the WHAT Sarah? Look in the WHAT?

What's Count Dracula's favorite punctuation?

A period.

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What's a dracula's favourite part of sex

Edraculating

Say it out loud

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed

He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

"No- wait, Dracula?"

"Yes!"

"You're vampires?"

"Yes. We have pamphlets."

"Vampires have missionaries?"

"Where else would new vampires come from?"

"I assumed you bit people."

"There are many h...

Why doesnt Dracula attack chickens

Because their blood is fowl

Dracula with a guitar:

anyvays here’s vondervall

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In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins.

In 2015, he died of starvation.

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I'd totally fuck Dracula

You could say I'm... down for the count.

What subject did Dracula major in during college?

AcCOUNTing

This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.

Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

Have you ever heard about Draculas vegan brother

Count Rucola?

What does Dracula's torch run on?

*Bat-teries* now give me my five karma

There are 3 types of Dracula that use Reddit

Those that can Count Dracula, and those that can't.

While watching Dracula, I was surprised by how good he was at playing the church organ. But then, you know what they say about Count Dracula.

His bite is worse than his Bach.

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1911: dracula used to drink virgin girls' blood....

in 2019: he died of hunger

Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?

Because of his coffin.

Count Dracula returned a mirror to my shop yesterday

He said it wasn't faulty, he just couldn't see himself using it.

What do you call it when a boxer gives Dracula a BJ?

Going down for the count

What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a boxer have in common?

They both go down for The Count

I met Dracula at the pub an hour ago.

He was having a bloody good time.

The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

Q: Where does Dracula get his writing utensils?

A: Pennsylvania

xoxo

Dracula was grumpy. Why?

All that B negative.

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Dracula walks into a bar...

He sits down and speaks to the Bartender

Dracula: May I please have a cup of hot water and a spoon?

Bartender: Wait, aren't you Dracula the vampire?

Dracula: Of course I am. I can see that my reputation precedes me.

Bartender: But, if you a vampire why do you want hot wat...

Why did Dracula take a throat lozenge when he got home from the gym?

He was in a coffin fit

If Dracula were a furry, what would his name be?

Nos-fur-atu

What's the difference between an obese rodeo bull, and Dracula's girlfriend?

One's a fat bucker...

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Count Dracula walks into a bar...

and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a us...

What was Dracula’s last meal?

A stake!

You remind me of Dracula.

You suck.

What do you sing when you kill Dracula's last clone?

"It's the final countdown"

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[NSFW] Dracula was in serious need of a blowjob...

So I went down for the count.

How do you know Dracula is a woman?

When she talks all you hear is "Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah"

Did you hear about Dracula’s castle?

They revamped it.

Dracula checked into a hotel, called room service, and ordered an Italian.

A strange order, but room service sent up an Italian waiter. When he got to the room, Dracula jumped him, drank all his blood, and threw the body out the window. The body fell on a drunk on the sidewalk below who just sat there, staring at it, then resumed his drinking.

A little while lat...

I tried to make a comprehensive list of all the vampires in classical literature.

But I forgot to Count Dracula.

Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker..

He said he hates stakeholders.

Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”

Dracula - “Vie.”

Me - “It’s for a crossword.”

I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

How can you tell when Dracula is sick?

By his coughin'

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Dracula walks into a pub...

When Dracula approaches the bar and orders a glass of hot water. Two men at the end notice him and ask each other what in the world he would want with a glass of hot water since all Dracula drinks is blood. So curious they decide to watch him. When the bartender returns and places the glass of hot w...

Dracula must have a hard life...

It sucks to live forever

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Dracula in Italy

Count Dracula, fed up with the miserable weather in Transylvania, decides to take a holiday, so he packs up his coffin and capes and heads to Rome for a long weekend.
Upon arriving at his hotel the concierge greets him and asks if has a reservation.
"Yessss," replies the Count. "I am Dracula,...

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DRACULA VISITS HIS THERAPIST....

THE THERAPIST ASKS... "HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?"

DRACULA SAYS... "I DON'T."

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What is Dracula's pornstar name?

Vlad the Impaler

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What did dracula say to his girlfriend when she asked about sex?

"I only do oral once a month"

Dracula

Why is Dracula's favorite subject in school Math? Because he likes to Count.

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It was so difficult giving Dracula fellatio!

I guess I went down for the count.

Where does Dracula buy his writing supplies?

Pencilvania.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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How do vampires cum?

They e*dracula*te

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If there's more life in cum than there is in blood

why does Dracula refuses to suck my dick?

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

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