Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus?

When he's always coffin

What's the one state Dracula doesn't like?

Alabama. Because they all taste the same

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?


Why did Dracula fail Art Class?

He could only draw blood!

If we had listened to Trump, we could have saved more people from the Dracula.

He did tell us to stop The Count.

What does Dracula say when he wakes up?

Good evening

Why was Count Dracula not invited to the Halloween party?

Because everyone thought he sucked

Why did dracula get tested for covid-19?

Because of his coffin

Where does Dracula like to get washed?

In the bat tub

They say dracula has turned over a new leaf

He's been re-vamped

What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?

A count suspended.

What did Dracula say to a girl?

See you next month!

Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?

Because he can’t go to the Krypt Tonight.

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

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Dracula walks into a bar.

Dracula walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender for some hot water. The bartender obliges and asks if he would like anything else to drink. Dracula says "No, thanks". He then pulls out a used tampon and dips it in his hot water. "I'm having tea."

Why doesnt Dracula attack chickens

Because their blood is fowl

I've got a job making plastic Dracula figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

So I have to make every second Count...

Dracula with a guitar:

anyvays here’s vondervall

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll.

All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched i...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Son: They do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* They do the monster mash

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed

He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

You do realize that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

While watching Dracula, I was surprised by how good he was at playing the church organ. But then, you know what they say about Count Dracula.

His bite is worse than his Bach.

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

There are 3 types of Dracula that use Reddit

Those that can Count Dracula, and those that can't.

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What's a dracula's favourite part of sex


Say it out loud

What is Dracula's favorite fruit?


Have you ever heard about Draculas vegan brother

Count Rucola?

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Dracula walks into a bar...

He sits down and speaks to the Bartender

Dracula: May I please have a cup of hot water and a spoon?

Bartender: Wait, aren't you Dracula the vampire?

Dracula: Of course I am. I can see that my reputation precedes me.

Bartender: But, if you a vampire why do you want hot wat...

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

"No- wait, Dracula?"


"You're vampires?"

"Yes. We have pamphlets."

"Vampires have missionaries?"

"Where else would new vampires come from?"

"I assumed you bit people."

"There are many h...

What's the difference between an obese rodeo bull, and Dracula's girlfriend?

One's a fat bucker...

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How do vampires cum?

They e*dracula*te

The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

What does Dracula's torch run on?

*Bat-teries* now give me my five karma

So, when vampires make love...

... does it finish with an e-dracula-tion?

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1911: dracula used to drink virgin girls' blood....

in 2019: he died of hunger

What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a boxer have in common?

They both go down for The Count

I met Dracula at the pub an hour ago.

He was having a bloody good time.

What do you call it when a boxer gives Dracula a BJ?

Going down for the count

Why did Dracula take a throat lozenge when he got home from the gym?

He was in a coffin fit

You remind me of Dracula.

You suck.

If Dracula were a furry, what would his name be?


What do you sing when you kill Dracula's last clone?

"It's the final countdown"

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In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins.

In 2015, he died of starvation.

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I'd totally fuck Dracula

You could say I'm... down for the count.

Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?

Because of his coffin.

Count Dracula returned a mirror to my shop yesterday

He said it wasn't faulty, he just couldn't see himself using it.

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[NSFW] Dracula was in serious need of a blowjob...

So I went down for the count.

Dracula was grumpy. Why?

All that B negative.

What was Dracula’s last meal?

A stake!

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Two nuns are driving down the road when Dracula jumps out.

"Quickly," says the first, "show him your cross". The other winds down the window and leans out and yells, "Get out of the road you jerk!"

What subject did Dracula major in during college?


This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.

Q: Where does Dracula get his writing utensils?

A: Pennsylvania


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Two nuns in Transylvania are driving home one night

As they’re driving back Dracula suddenly swoops down from the trees.
When he lands on the car one nun shouts to the other “show him your cross!”
The other nun says “okay!”
She then leans out the window and shouts “get off my bonnet you cunt!”

Dracula checked into a hotel, called room service, and ordered an Italian.

A strange order, but room service sent up an Italian waiter. When he got to the room, Dracula jumped him, drank all his blood, and threw the body out the window. The body fell on a drunk on the sidewalk below who just sat there, staring at it, then resumed his drinking.

A little while lat...

Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker..

He said he hates stakeholders.

Did you hear about Dracula’s castle?

They revamped it.

What did Dracula name his new boat?

The Blood Vessel

Why did dracula order a steak ?

Because he wanted to die

How can you tell when Dracula is sick?

By his coughin'

Dracula must have a hard life...

It sucks to live forever

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What's Dracula's favorite beer?


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A nun and her friend are walking down the street late one night...

...when suddenly Dracula steps out of the shadows and stands in front of them, staring menacingly.
“Oh my God, it’s Dracula! What should we do?” says the nun.
“Quick, show him your cross!” says her friend.
“Good idea” says the nun. She quickly walks towards Dracula and shouts “Hey! Get o...

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Count Dracula walks into a bar...

and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a us...

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So a Man and His newly wedded wife were about to have Sex in this Transylvanian Hotel. She was lying on the bed, dress in nothing but her tiny lingerie. Just when he was about to get on the bed with her and do the deed. A Vampire crashed through the roof between them. It stood there, menacingly, and...

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Dracula walks into a pub...

When Dracula approaches the bar and orders a glass of hot water. Two men at the end notice him and ask each other what in the world he would want with a glass of hot water since all Dracula drinks is blood. So curious they decide to watch him. When the bartender returns and places the glass of hot w...

What do you call a vampire on sale?

Discount Dracula.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Dracula's pornstar name?

Vlad the Impaler

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What did dracula say to his girlfriend when she asked about sex?

"I only do oral once a month"

Where does Dracula buy his writing supplies?



Why is Dracula's favorite subject in school Math? Because he likes to Count.

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It was so difficult giving Dracula fellatio!

I guess I went down for the count.

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.


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Two nuns are driving along in Transylvania,

all of a sudden Dracula runs out into the road & jumps on the bonnet of their car.
The first nun says ‘ Well what are we going to do?’
The second replies ‘ Get out & show him ya cross’
The first nun jumps out & screams ‘ Get off my fucking car you toothy prick!’

I saw a vampire for sale at half price in the shop

It was a dis-count Dracula

100 Internet points to whoever can solve this xmas cracker!

What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?

Con Medicine

(a house of 20 can't work it out between us)

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