UPJOKE
transylvaniavampirefrankensteinwhitbycount draculabram stokernosferatugenus draculaterminatorsolicitorlucy westenrajohn sewardquincey morrisarthur holmwoodcarmilla

Dracula Jokes

Dracula is vegan for 1 reason..

Stake kills him.

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus?

When he's always coffin

What's the one state Dracula doesn't like?

Alabama. Because they all taste the same

Why can't Superman beat Dracula?

Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

Why did Count Dracula fail art class?

He could only draw blood.

Where does Dracula get his stationery?

Pencylvania

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed

He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

Why doesn't Dracula eat beef?

Because steak is bad for his heart.

What's Dracula's favourite alcoholic drink and candy combo?

Red vines

What do a boxer and Dracula’s girlfriend have in common?

They both go down for the count

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Because he sucks.

Why did Dracula always fail job interviews?

He could never answer, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

A Halloween joke I made up when I was 12: What did Dracula name his boat?

The Blood Vessel

Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck?

Because he’s a neck romancer.

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

Why won’t Dracula bite Mick Jagger?

Cause you can’t get blood out of a stone.

Why did dracula get tested for covid-19?

Because of his coffin

Where does Dracula like to get washed?

In the bat tub

How many teeth does Dracula have?

I don't know. I didn't get close enough to Count.

Why does Mrs. Dracula have a hard time sleeping with her husband?

Because he keeps coffin!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins.

In 2015, he died of starvation.

Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?

Because his doctor said stakes were bad for his heart.

source: My 7 year-old.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a vampire that only feeds off the blood of menstruating women.

His name is Cunt Dracula!

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Son: They do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* They do the monster mash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dracula walks into a bar.

Dracula walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender for some hot water. The bartender obliges and asks if he would like anything else to drink. Dracula says "No, thanks". He then pulls out a used tampon and dips it in his hot water. "I'm having tea."

They say dracula has turned over a new leaf

He's been re-vamped

Dracula must have a hard life...

It sucks to live forever

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

"No- wait, Dracula?"

"Yes!"

"You're vampires?"

"Yes. We have pamphlets."

"Vampires have missionaries?"

"Where else would new vampires come from?"

"I assumed you bit people."

"There are many h...

Dracula got mad at Frankenstein while they were playing fighting games.

"He vouldn't stop doing the mash!"

What does an old person turn into when bitten by Dracula?

A Grampire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'd totally fuck Dracula

You could say I'm... down for the count.

What the difference between Vladimir Putin and Vlad the impaler (AKA Dracula)?

One sucks the blood of innocents and possesses eternal youth, the other is Dracula.

What subject did Dracula major in during college?

AcCOUNTing

This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.

What's Count Dracula's favorite punctuation?

A period.

Why doesnt Dracula attack chickens

Because their blood is fowl

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.


“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..


“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a dracula's favourite part of sex

Edraculating

Say it out loud

Dracula was grumpy. Why?

All that B negative.

Dracula with a guitar:

anyvays here’s vondervall

What does Dracula's torch run on?

*Bat-teries* now give me my five karma

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Count Dracula walks into a bar...

and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a us...

While watching Dracula, I was surprised by how good he was at playing the church organ. But then, you know what they say about Count Dracula.

His bite is worse than his Bach.

What was Dracula’s last meal?

A stake!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1911: dracula used to drink virgin girls' blood....

in 2019: he died of hunger

What did Dracula say to a girl?

See you next month!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dracula walks into a bar...

He sits down and speaks to the Bartender

Dracula: May I please have a cup of hot water and a spoon?

Bartender: Wait, aren't you Dracula the vampire?

Dracula: Of course I am. I can see that my reputation precedes me.

Bartender: But, if you a vampire why do you want hot wat...

Have you ever heard about Draculas vegan brother

Count Rucola?

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

There are 3 types of Dracula that use Reddit

Those that can Count Dracula, and those that can't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dracula in Italy

Count Dracula, fed up with the miserable weather in Transylvania, decides to take a holiday, so he packs up his coffin and capes and heads to Rome for a long weekend.
Upon arriving at his hotel the concierge greets him and asks if has a reservation.
"Yessss," replies the Count. "I am Dracula,...

Knock knock.

Who’s there?
Dracula.
Dracula who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Frankenstein.
Frankenstein who?
Knock.
Who’s there?
The Knock Less Monster.

Count Dracula returned a mirror to my shop yesterday

He said it wasn't faulty, he just couldn't see himself using it.

Q: Where does Dracula get his writing utensils?

A: Pennsylvania

xoxo

The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

You remind me of Dracula.

You suck.

I met Dracula at the pub an hour ago.

He was having a bloody good time.

Did you hear about Dracula’s castle?

They revamped it.

What do you call a vampire with a bachelors in Computer Science

cout << "Dracula";

If we had listened to Trump, we could have saved more people from the Dracula.

He did tell us to stop The Count.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DRACULA VISITS HIS THERAPIST....

THE THERAPIST ASKS... "HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?"

DRACULA SAYS... "I DON'T."

Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?

Because of his coffin.

The Competition - Wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So, he organized a little competition.

The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.

The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood.

Dracula was impresse...

Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll.

All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dracula walks into a pub...

When Dracula approaches the bar and orders a glass of hot water. Two men at the end notice him and ask each other what in the world he would want with a glass of hot water since all Dracula drinks is blood. So curious they decide to watch him. When the bartender returns and places the glass of hot w...

If Dracula were a furry, what would his name be?

Nos-fur-atu

What's the difference between an obese rodeo bull, and Dracula's girlfriend?

One's a fat bucker...

Halloween Costume.

I went to the store to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween.

The shop assistant brought out a Manchester United football shirt.

I said "You must of misheard me, I said I want to look like a Count."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Dracula's pornstar name?

Vlad the Impaler

What did Dracula tell his son while teaching him survival skills

"You suck."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Dracula was in serious need of a blowjob...

So I went down for the count.

How can you tell when Dracula is sick?

By his coughin'

Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker..

He said he hates stakeholders.

Must be hard being a vampire

Me: hey Dracula you got something in your teeth?

Dracula: Where? Here?

Me: No not there

Dracula: Here?

Me: No, just look in the m..

Dracula: look in the WHAT Sarah? Look in the WHAT?

Vampires aren't real.

Unless you count Dracula.

Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”

Dracula - “Vie.”

Me - “It’s for a crossword.”

I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.

Finest Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minute...

What do you sing when you kill Dracula's last clone?

"It's the final countdown"

Why did Dracula take a throat lozenge when he got home from the gym?

He was in a coffin fit

Where does Dracula buy his writing supplies?

Pencilvania.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was so difficult giving Dracula fellatio!

I guess I went down for the count.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did dracula say to his girlfriend when she asked about sex?

"I only do oral once a month"

Are Monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

Happy Spooktober everyone.

Dracula checked into a hotel, called room service, and ordered an Italian.

A strange order, but room service sent up an Italian waiter. When he got to the room, Dracula jumped him, drank all his blood, and threw the body out the window. The body fell on a drunk on the sidewalk below who just sat there, staring at it, then resumed his drinking.

A little while lat...

Romania, one of the poorest country in the EU, builds a cathedral instead of a hospital.

I get it. When Dracula is a constant threat, I'd prioritise building a Cathedral rather than a hospital.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.