Dracula is vegan for 1 reason..

Stake kills him.

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus?

When he's always coffin

What's the one state Dracula doesn't like?

Alabama. Because they all taste the same

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count


Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

Why did dracula get tested for covid-19?

Because of his coffin

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

Why did Dracula fail Art Class?

He could only draw blood!

If we had listened to Trump, we could have saved more people from the Dracula.

He did tell us to stop The Count.

Why was Count Dracula not invited to the Halloween party?

Because everyone thought he sucked

They say dracula has turned over a new leaf

He's been re-vamped

Where does Dracula like to get washed?

In the bat tub

What happened when Dracula uploaded illegal content to YouTube?

A count suspended.

Where does Dracula buy his pencils?


What's Count Dracula's favorite punctuation?

A period.

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?


Why did Dracula turn down the part of the Magic Mirror?

He just couldn't see himself in it.

What does Dracula say when he wakes up?

Good evening

Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?

Because he can’t go to the Krypt Tonight.

Most vampires suck at maths

unless you Count Dracula

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Dracula walks into a bar.

Dracula walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender for some hot water. The bartender obliges and asks if he would like anything else to drink. Dracula says "No, thanks". He then pulls out a used tampon and dips it in his hot water. "I'm having tea."

Why doesnt Dracula attack chickens

Because their blood is fowl

Dracula with a guitar:

anyvays here’s vondervall

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Son: They do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* They do the monster mash

Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”

Dracula - “Vie.”

Me - “It’s for a crossword.”

I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed

He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

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What's a dracula's favourite part of sex


Say it out loud

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll.

All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched i...

What did Dracula say to a girl?

See you next month!

Have you ever heard about Draculas vegan brother

Count Rucola?

While watching Dracula, I was surprised by how good he was at playing the church organ. But then, you know what they say about Count Dracula.

His bite is worse than his Bach.

There are 3 types of Dracula that use Reddit

Those that can Count Dracula, and those that can't.

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

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A man walks into a costume shop and asks for a Dracula costume.

The shop assistant goes into the store room and returns with a suit and Trump wig.

“Sorry I think you misheard me”, the man says, “I said I wanted to look like a Count, not a cunt!”

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

"No- wait, Dracula?"


"You're vampires?"

"Yes. We have pamphlets."

"Vampires have missionaries?"

"Where else would new vampires come from?"

"I assumed you bit people."

"There are many h...

What does Dracula's torch run on?

*Bat-teries* now give me my five karma

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In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins.

In 2015, he died of starvation.

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I'd totally fuck Dracula

You could say I'm... down for the count.

I met Dracula at the pub an hour ago.

He was having a bloody good time.

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1911: dracula used to drink virgin girls' blood....

in 2019: he died of hunger

The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem?

Because of his coffin.

What subject did Dracula major in during college?


This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.

What do you call it when a boxer gives Dracula a BJ?

Going down for the count

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Dracula walks into a bar...

He sits down and speaks to the Bartender

Dracula: May I please have a cup of hot water and a spoon?

Bartender: Wait, aren't you Dracula the vampire?

Dracula: Of course I am. I can see that my reputation precedes me.

Bartender: But, if you a vampire why do you want hot wat...

What's the difference between an obese rodeo bull, and Dracula's girlfriend?

One's a fat bucker...

If Dracula were a furry, what would his name be?


What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a boxer have in common?

They both go down for The Count

Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

Count Dracula returned a mirror to my shop yesterday

He said it wasn't faulty, he just couldn't see himself using it.

What was Dracula’s last meal?

A stake!

Why did Dracula take a throat lozenge when he got home from the gym?

He was in a coffin fit

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[NSFW] Dracula was in serious need of a blowjob...

So I went down for the count.

Dracula was grumpy. Why?

All that B negative.

Q: Where does Dracula get his writing utensils?

A: Pennsylvania


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Count Dracula walks into a bar...

and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a us...

What do you sing when you kill Dracula's last clone?

"It's the final countdown"

Dracula checked into a hotel, called room service, and ordered an Italian.

A strange order, but room service sent up an Italian waiter. When he got to the room, Dracula jumped him, drank all his blood, and threw the body out the window. The body fell on a drunk on the sidewalk below who just sat there, staring at it, then resumed his drinking.

A little while lat...

Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker..

He said he hates stakeholders.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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Did you hear about Dracula’s castle?

They revamped it.

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If there's more life in cum than there is in blood

why does Dracula refuses to suck my dick?

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Dracula walks into a pub...

When Dracula approaches the bar and orders a glass of hot water. Two men at the end notice him and ask each other what in the world he would want with a glass of hot water since all Dracula drinks is blood. So curious they decide to watch him. When the bartender returns and places the glass of hot w...

How can you tell when Dracula is sick?

By his coughin'

What did Dracula name his new boat?

The Blood Vessel

Dracula must have a hard life...

It sucks to live forever

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What is Dracula's pornstar name?

Vlad the Impaler

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What did dracula say to his girlfriend when she asked about sex?

"I only do oral once a month"

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How do vampires cum?

They e*dracula*te

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Two nuns in Transylvania are driving home one night

As they’re driving back Dracula suddenly swoops down from the trees.
When he lands on the car one nun shouts to the other “show him your cross!”
The other nun says “okay!”
She then leans out the window and shouts “get off my bonnet you cunt!”

Wife: why are you putting garlic in your pants?

Me: so the Dracula won't eat my ass

Wife: why would Dracula eat your ass?

Me: he won't, the garlic- are you even listening?

Where does Dracula buy his writing supplies?


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It was so difficult giving Dracula fellatio!

I guess I went down for the count.

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So a Man and His newly wedded wife were about to have Sex in this Transylvanian Hotel. She was lying on the bed, dress in nothing but her tiny lingerie. Just when he was about to get on the bed with her and do the deed. A Vampire crashed through the roof between them. It stood there, menacingly, and...

What do you call a vampire on sale?

Discount Dracula.

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A nun and her friend are walking down the street late one night...

...when suddenly Dracula steps out of the shadows and stands in front of them, staring menacingly.
“Oh my God, it’s Dracula! What should we do?” says the nun.
“Quick, show him your cross!” says her friend.
“Good idea” says the nun. She quickly walks towards Dracula and shouts “Hey! Get o...

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

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