I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.

I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone....

A gigantic gas explosion in a coal mine in the next town killed thirty workers and hospitalised two hundred. But I refused to give to the support charity.

After all, it was only *miner* injuries.

What do you call a gigantic pile of kittens?

A meow-ntain

A teacher was teaching her class about whales.

She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a hu...

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

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I'm only a few inches away from having a gigantic cock.

I thought to myself as I stood naked in the prison showers.

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

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If men who like Asians have Yellow Fever what do men who like gigantic breasts have?

Boobonic Plague

I found a genie and wished for a gigantic mansion

He said if he could do that, he wouldn’t be living in a bottle

What do you say to gigantic imaginary rhinoceroses?

It doesn't matter, they're largely irrelephant.

When I was a wee child, I once found a lamp on the beach

I rubbed it, and out popped a gigantic blue man, who said I had three wishes.



I looked at him and said, "three wishes you say?"



He said yes.



"I wish I knew what to ask for."



"Your wish is granted!"



Poof! I had an idea, but th...

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Damon Albarn sold his apartment and built a gigantic tree house in a pussy willow.

He lives in a house, a very big house in the cunt tree.

I tried to teach a monkey new words by writing them on gigantic beach balls.

Sadly he just couldn't get a grip on them.

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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Phone joke: what animal has a tiny dick and hangs down?

(Usual response is) a bat.

Yes! Good job. What animal has a gigantic dick and hangs up?

*hang up the phone*

A fisherman’s wife gives birth to a healthy set of twins.

After some time, they notice that one boy always faces toward the ocean and the other always faces away. Even if the parents were to turn them, they would always reposition themselves. So the name the boys “Toward” and “Away” respectively. On the twins’ tenth birthday, the fisherman takes them on a ...

What do you get when you cross BBQ'ed pork with a gigantic sea monster?

Release the Kracklen!

A four foot tall man visits the local bordello...

when he gets there. he's immediately greeted with laughter and scorn by the ladies of the night, who giggled and laughed at the very thought of sleeping with him.



Finally, the madam had enough. The man had money, and his money was just as good as anyone else's. So she took him by th...

And the bus driver's name is Mac.

A man got a new job driving a school bus. When he went to pick up the keys, the man behind the desk slammed them down and said, "Bus #1. Has a Big Bird picture on the side."

The man got in his bus and drove to the first stop. He picked up one boy, who immediately introduced himself. "Hi! My...

Did you hear about the baby with the gigantic, record-setting head?

The mother called it a crowning achievement.

So you've all heard about the neutron that walks into a bar, but what about...

A neutrino walks into a Mexican Restaurant. He orders a taco with extra chili sauce. The bartender comes up to his table with a taco and a gigantic bottle of super-hot chili sauce. He opens the taco, starts pouring sauce and asks:

"So how much salsa do you want, amigo?"

The neutrino a...

A Man...

A Man is stopped by an Old Woman who was holding out seeds and says "take these seeds and you will be on your way to success."
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree. A booking voice rings out from ab...

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One day a woman is jogging in the park (NSFW)

As she runs past the pond she sees a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a wheelchair on the pier crying. Worried, she walks up to him and asks him what's wrong.

The man looks up at her sadly and says "It's because I've never been hugged." So the woman bends down, and gives him a giganti...

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

Two men in the woods

These 2 guys are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it. The first guy says to the second "I wonder how deep this hole is" "I don't know, let's find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom", says the second. So they go ...

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

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An old man is sitting with his grandson in his hunting cabin...

Among the walls are the mounted heads and pelts of animals he had taken down over the years.

The boy points to a sizable pair of antlers, and says "Wow Grandpa, those are *big* antlers!"

"They sure are. That deer was a majestic creature," the old man responds.

The boy then poin...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

If you don't know how to pronounce the "g" in "gif"...

it's pronounced just like the "g" in "gigantic"

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A woman goes to her doctor

"Doctor, please help me. My husband is _lazy_ in the bed, if you know what I mean"

The doctor smiles and says

"I have what you need. Science has made gigantic progress in this field."

The doctor gives her a small packet.

"Put the content of this sachet in his food and you...

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A Mexican man cannot find work and finally heads home for the evening.

On his way home, he finds a cross at the bottom of a hill. So he kneels and prays to God, "Please God, let me find a way to feed my family".


At the top of this hill, a black man was walking home from grocery shopping when the bottom of his bag gave out and a cheese wheel rolled straight ...

A Journalist Visits a Boxing Gym...

A reporter for a well known New York newspaper was visiting a boxing gym, to investigate the importance of boxing to New York's culture. This gym had a reputation for producing some of the toughest boxers in today's game, but no one knew how. To get the most authentic story possible, he signed himse...

Three potatoes decide to go to the swimming pool.

The first potato goes to the lowest diving board, does a simple forward flip, and lands flawlessly in the water, before coming back up for air, and swims off.

The second potato climbs to the next diving board, does a more intricate double-backflip in the air, and lands feet-first into the wat...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.

The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the fa...

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A man and a woman go out for dinner. They have a great time and decide to go back to her apartment.

Since this is his first time in the apartment, the woman decides to give him a tour. They go throughout the apartment and the tour ends in the bedroom. When in the bedroom the man notices that there are 3 shelves filled with stuffed animals on the wall. The top shelf has itty bitty animals. The midd...

If you had a cricket ball in one hand and a cricket ball in the other what do you have?

A gigantic, male cricket.

A man and his wife were having a drink when a drunk from the next table yells, “Attention please!”

And lets out a gigantic fart.

The man angrily says, “What the hell do you think you are doing? Did you know you just farted before my wife?”

The drunk says, “My apologies sir. I had no idea it was her turn.”

Rich man shenanigans

There was once an extremely wealthy man who was known for his eccentric habits. One fine evening, he sent out an invite to all the young, able-bodied men of his city for a very "special" dinner, promising a grand prize for one lucky soul.

Knowing the rich man's generous nature, a hundred you...

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Just heard this variation on an oldie!

A hat maker was trying to sell his hats on a hot summers day. After having no luck for 4 hours under the sun, he decided to take a short rest underneath a gigantic tree. He set his briefcase of hats down, took one out to cover his face, and laid down on the grass. With the shade from his hat and the...

A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black e...

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Biting Boobies

An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The o...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

A man and a women had three children

A man and a woman had three children, all girls. The mother had always wanted a son, but every time she tried to have a baby with her husband, they would give birth to a girl.
One day, the man has to leave his wife for a year, to join the military abroad. The woman decides to take the opportunity...

A teenage boy asks his crush out to prom...

She agrees and he says he is going to make it the best night of her life. He doesn't want to let her down so he goes to buy a super nice suit, but the line at the suit store is massive. He groans and reluctantly waits in line for hours before finally getting his suit.



Next, he wants ...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.

The man considers his de...

An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.

When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony ...

Big John

A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender.

The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night."

The man says he can handle himself, he's ...

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A blonde, redhead, and black girl survive a plane crash at sea...

They all climb aboard a raft, and the blonde says "girls I know how to get us rescued." She then let's all her beautiful blonde hair out of her ponytail and say's "Men always find me because of my bright blonde hair, the coast guard men will find us in no time!" The redhead then decides to take her ...

A Mozart fanatic visits his tomb in Austria...

John is a gigantic Mozart fanatic. He's listened to every one of his many compositions, paid attention to the melodies and how they were composed, and the thought process of their creation. All that John has left to do is to visit Mozart's tomb.

John travels to Austria and visits his tomb. Wh...

There was this world famous painter

In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to sh...

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Old Russian Joke

A father is waiting for his kid to be born in the hospital. He's super nervous, pacing back and forth, cigars in his breast pocket ready to go. After what seems like a several days, a doctor finally walks into the waiting room and asks who's waiting for the baby. The father runs up to the doctor....

Prom is near.

So prom is near.
A couple named Jacob and Scarlet have been dating for a few months and Jacob asks her if she wants to go to prom.

"Of course!" she says. "But I require three things first. A limo, flowers, and you must wear a tux."

"Okay" says Jacob.

He has procrastinated t...

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A man with a huge black-eye boards an airplane...

The flight attendant guides him towards his assigned seat, right beside another already seated passenger who also has a huge black-eye (same one). The first man says: "What are the odds? We share a flight to the same destination, we both have the same big ugly shiner on the same eye, and we are seat...

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Jon was excited about his new rifle..

... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over. Ev...

The Bell Ringer

A priest stands alone in his church. It is a beautiful old church with a great tall bell tower. Suddenly, the front doors of the church open and a hobbled old man walks in. He is barely able to walk and his back is so hunched he can barely look up at the priest. The old man walks up to the priest an...

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A man decides to go ice fishing in the wintertime...

... and so he grabs his bait, his green coat, and his pole, and he goes to the pond.

When he gets there, he sits on a bench near the ice, cuts out a hole, puts a worm on his line, and drops it in the water. A couple of hours pass, and he hasn't gotten a single bite. He's replaced his bait abo...

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A Woman was touring Spain

A woman was touring Spain, and she wanted to eat a unique exotic dish typical for Spain. A waiter says "Madam, we have balls of a bull killed in a bullfight." She orders them, and she gets this plate with gigantic balls, and eats them up. She loved them so much, that next day she came in and ordered...

An old couple went to heaven

After spending 60 years being married.

When they reach the pearly gates, St George greets them and says, "Welcome! Let me show you what we have."

The saint leads the couple to a massive golf course and a huge golf club, with premium equipment.

"You'll never find anywhere better!...

One Wish

A man was walking along the beach when he found an old bottle buried in the sand. He picked it up and cleaned it with his sleeve. Whereupon a genie appeared and offered him one wish.

"Well my family lives in Australia. It would be great if there was a bridge between here and Australia so I c...

A man was sitting in a pub

As a man with a swollen eye and bloody nose walks up to the bar and gives the bartender a $50 bill.

Behind the bar he sees the bartender put the $50 bill in a large jar full of money and the man leaves.

He asks the bartender about the jar of money and the bartender says "oh that's th...

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Stuttering Salesman

A salesman goes to the doctor to see if he can fix his stutter. "D-d-doctor," he says, "I h-have a p-p-p-problem. I have th-this st-stutter, and it's m-making it h-h-h-h-hard for me t-to sell s-stuff."

"Let's take a look at you. Get undressed," the doctor replies. The salesman undresses, and ...

Why did the Avengers have the best float at the parade?

They had a gigantic Banner!

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Spanish meatballs

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the...

To say Saturn would float on water is disingenuous.

It's not a ball. Suppose you did fill a gigantic tub of water and dropped Saturn in. Its core would plunge into the depths and the atmosphere would explode. What's more when you drained the tub it would leave behind a ring.

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How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but it'd have to be one gigantic fucking light bulb.

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Timeline of r/jokes

Primary Beginning: (Small Community) Decent jokes, good laughs.

Secondary Beginning: (Decent Sized Community) Good Jokes, Very Good laughs.

Early Middle Years: (Large Community) Faction of Reposters have begun to show themselves.

Later Middle Years: (Huge Community) Most of the ...

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The Mexican Restaurant.

I was working in South Texas on the border, and my coworker and I decided to drive in to Mexico to watch an authentic bullfight. It was in a small, semi-pro ring. We watched amateurs and semi pro matadors fighting, and actually killing, the bulls. It was brutally fascinating. The final fight was...

A digging exploration

One day the US government decided to fund a digging exploration to explore the earth

They built a gigantic machine filled with thousands of soldiers, scientists, engineers etc

As they were digging through the earth's crust, the suddenly hit something big and had an emergency.

At...

Big Chief No Fart

In an ancient Indian village lived a mighty old chief. He was a gigantic man, known everywhere for his lack of the ability to fart. One day this chief rounded up all of his advisors to discuss the matter. At the meeting, one of the elder advisors said he had heard of a great medicine man who lived m...

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Three buddies from high school take a trip to Mexico...

Each of the men has spent their lives productively, and are each at the top of their respective fields, and they've kept in touch over the years. They decide that, to celebrate their twentieth high school graduation anniversary, they're going to go down to Mexico City together and generally live it ...

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Osama Bin Laden's afterlife...

After he was killed by Seal Team Six, Osama Bin Laden immediately found himself in a large room filled with fat middle aged men wearing strange costumes.

As he looked around he saw a gigantic sign that said "Welcome fellow Trekies."

Confused by his surroundings, Osama wanted to get out...

Here's a Chinese lame joke I translated...

General Cao and his army of thirty thousand men were eating a gigantic bean bun.

The bean bun was so huge that that they ate for three days and three nights, and all that time it was all crust and no filling.

On the fourth day, they finally hit on something, but it wasn't bean filling....

An Indian Chief was taking a week off in Las Vegas

After just two days, he had gambled away all his funds, so he sent a smoke signal back to his tribe asking them to wire him more money.

The tribe signalled back, saying "No way, you're being reckless with your money and we're not sending you any more!"

Just then, a nuclear bomb was det...

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Fattest Pig Contest

One day 3 farmers are coming back from town when they see a sign for the County Fair coming next month, right below the main advert is another for a Fattest Pig Contest. The farmers have pigs on their farm so they think they should enter.

When they get back to the farm the first farmer goes ...

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The Foo Bird

A group of explorers traveled to South America in order to find El Dorado and other places of great fortune. On the first day, they met up with the locals in the town they were staying in. There the locals warned them of the dangers of the jungle, specifically the Foo bird.

During their firs...

Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...

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Lenin headed directly to Paradise after he died

He thought he had done a lot of good for the oppressed, so he deserved retirement in Paradise. He knocked on Heaven's door: "Knock, knock!" God shouted from his cosmically gigantic and perfectly spherical office: "Who's there?" "Vladimir Ilyich Lenin." "Okay, okay! The last one in be sure to close t...

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The Human Soup

Two friends were traveling across Africa when they were captured by the natives. Both of them were tied up and put into a gigantic pot full with water.

Both of them were floating in the pot when the Chief exclaimed, "We are having human soup for dinner today!"

One of the friend start...

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The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted an...

The ballad of Awful Ed

A British man was tending a bar in the wild west Americas of 1867. He hadn't owned the bar long, but for the most part it was quiet in the town where he did his business.

One day, a cowboy in a panic ran into the bar screaming "Everybody run for your lives! Awful Ed is coming to town!!!". Alm...

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The three doors of Hell

A man dies and finds himself in Hell. He's greeted by a demon who says, "Welcome to Hell! I'll be helping you find where you spend the rest of eternity. To put it simply, you can choose one of three doors. You will be able to see what is behind each door, then make a choice. Simple as that."

...

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