Epic joke time

Me (leaves class early for doctors appointment)
My class: learns about Tiananmen Square
Me: what did I miss
My class: nothing happened

This one time, people completely overused a word and ruined it forever.

It was epic.

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

An epic haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks ......" Hey mate! How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours", and the guy leaves.
Few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"

All these video games with epic orchestral music scores.

Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.

I was on a date with a girl that works at Epic Games...

She was unreal.

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Epic joke of nuns, i cant stop laughing really

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had...

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Thor hasn't had sex in a while...

It's been a long time. Thor decides he needs to get off.

And human chicks are hot.

So he visits Earth. Goes to a bar, meets a girl. With his God of Thunder good looks, his adventurous and supernatural stories, and the confidence of, well, an actual deity, she falls for him instantly....


Ok now that all the nerds are gone, I'm throwing an epic party at my house tomorrow and you're all invited!

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the vo...

Chris Pine was approached to star in Christopher Nolan's 2017 WW2 beach epic...

"No thanks, I've done Kirk"

Epic Chinese Movie Translation

While on vacation and downloading a DVD copy of War of the Worlds (2005) I laugh so hard from the English subtitle of what I downloaded and it turns out that it was a Pirated copy of the War of the Worlds.

Ray: It's OK...
(Subtitle: Do not fine, you is just fine.)

Rachel: Is Robby...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

epic meeting of world's top leaders

During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. Ge...

Priest hears man's last wishes

His priest, his lovely wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are at his side.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes.
He begins to speak. "My son, John, I want you to take the Epic Ocean houses."
"My daughter Donna, you take the apart...

This was the epic top comment on my Joke.

" there doesn't seem to be anything here "

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are on an epic fight...

Suddenly, Vader stops swinging. He pulls Luke close to him, and says:

*breathing sounds*

"I know what you are getting for Christmas"


*breathing sounds*

"Because I have felt your presents"

ohho Epic lawyer joke

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound....

What do you call an epic space opera set during the Russian Revolution?

Tsar Wars

The epic journey of the sperm cell

Once upon a time, a brand new sperm cell was being instructed by an older sperm cell.

"Right," he said, "this is what's going to happen: one day you'll be having a nap and you'll hear a siren. You rush out as fast as can, make absolutely sure you swim as hard as you can, because you HAVE to b...

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A priest walks into a bar

A priest walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a drink.

“Sorry,” says the bartender, “we don’t serve your kind here.”

Baffled, the priest tries to object, but before he can, the bartender walks off. So, furious, the priest just decides to leave. But as he’s walkin...

Epic Tragedy

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Right before I die, i'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

To The Jamaican Bobsled Team

After the Winter Olympics, one fellow is so taken with the Jamaican bobsled team that he decides that they deserve an epic scale statue in Jamaica. He travels to Jamaica, and talks with every government official and rich person he can find. All of them chase him off saying that it's a crazy idea, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The average man has sex about 90 times a year.

My next three weeks will be epic!

I know it's bad...

Last night's baseball game was epic. The two teams had rosters full of the most popular players in the league. It also marked the comeback of popular SS Jed Marksby from a severe ocular injury. The game ended on a check swing that was appealed to the 3rd base ump. He called it a strike and the h...

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Guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

The bartender asks why he looks so glum. "I've been searching everywhere for the legendary tower of knowledge, but it doesnt seem to exist." "Legendary tower of knowledge huh", asks the bartender, "I've never heard of anything like that, what it supposed to be?" "Well, it's supposed to be like a bib...

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The tourettes pianist

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes...

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When a male Octopus finds a mate

When a male Octopus finds a mate, he rips off his penis and throws it at the female so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new penis.
If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone "Go fuck yourself" I don't know what is!

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

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All my life I was in love with one woman...

Her name was Susan. She had the most beautiful eyes, and the most gorgeous, flowing brown hair. We were friends and I had a crush on her all through high school. Then I got drafted to the service and lost contact with her. A few years later I had left the service and we eventually got back in contac...

Morality Test

Are you as moral as you think you are?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Only y...

You don't have to be good at anagrams

to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

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Billy is a socially awkward boy who still has his virginity on his 18th birthday. Billy's dad learns this and says to his son "C'mon Billy, I'm taking you to the brothel for your birthday present."

Billy is unsure about this because he is mostly ignorant when it comes to anything having to do...

Gabe Newell and Bill Gates should get together.

Not only would there be some epic games, they could comfort each other's inability to count.

Jesus and Satan's tech battle

One day, both Jesus and Satan got into an argument over who was better at computers. This debate lasted for so long that God decided to step in and declare a contest - each would compete against the other in a series of computer-related tasks to determine computer superiority once and for all. God w...

Two martial artists...

...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an épée. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen fein...

Bob's Nails.

Bob made metal nails for all need and uses. For woodworking or construction, his nails where the best and he wanted to make a TV commercial to promote them.

So he went to a studio to get his commercial made. There he gave an idea of how he wanted his commercial "I want it to be epic and persu...

People need to learn how to take a compliment...

Just today I complimented the most epic mustache I've ever seen and the lady didn't even say thanks.

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A guy sees a sign on a bar door

and the sign says "Free beer for a year to anyone who can pass our test".

Guy to bartender: "So, what's this whole test thing about?"

Bartender: "Well, you've gotta do three things. First, down this half gallon of pepper tequila without makin' any kinda faces. Second, there's a croc...

[Meta] Would it be possible to get a moderator bot to flair each post according to length?

Similar to the way the /r/Talesfromtechsupport that way we can see if it's just a one liner, a short setup or a long epic? I'm not entirely sure this is the place to put this, so if there's a better spot can someone tell me?

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When the Jews wandered in a desert for four whole decades,

surely it went from epic fail to epoch fail

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Guy meets this girl at a bar and they screw all night.

In the morning he says "how about a good morning blowjob?" She says, "No, I'm afraid you won't respect me if I do that."

A few months later things are going well and they get engaged. He asks her again. "How about a blowjob?" She says "naah, I don't think you'll respect me."

They get...

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A couple was walking down the street when an alien spaceship landed in front of them...

An alien couple exited the spaceship and said, ''Hello, earthlings, we come in peace and we want you to tell us all about your planet.''

They talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It sounded very ...

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my first self-made joke attempt: "A Super Friends Orgy"

Wonder Woman decided to take a photo to remember the epic orgy her and the other Super Friends were taking part in that night at the Hall of Justice.

She got her iPhone out, told everybody to get it on, and took the picture.

When she looked at the photo, she frowned and said, “There mu...