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Epic Jokes

What do you call an Epic Cow?

Legend Dairy

Drunken Epicness

A man comes home one night after being at the local bar. He is absolutely smashed as he collapses on his bed next to his wife and falls asleep.

The next morning he wakes up to breakfast in bed. Toast, Egg and Bacon, Juice and Coffee. He is very confused, so he asks his son as he passes his be...

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

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Epicly joke funny haha

A homeless man is sitting on curb across from a bar. He watches a man across the way speaking to every woman who passes by. Eventually, he leaves with one of the women.  The next day, the same thing happens.  The next day, the homeless man inquires about the man’s secret. “Every woman who passes by,...

The epic journey of the sperm cell

Once upon a time, a brand new sperm cell was being instructed by an older sperm cell.

"Right," he said, "this is what's going to happen: one day you'll be having a nap and you'll hear a siren. You rush out as fast as can, make absolutely sure you swim as hard as you can, because you HAVE to b...

All these video games with epic orchestral music scores.

Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.

An epic haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks ......" Hey mate! How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours", and the guy leaves.
Few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"
Ag...

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Epic joke of nuns, i cant stop laughing really

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had...

Epic Chinese Movie Translation

While on vacation and downloading a DVD copy of War of the Worlds (2005) I laugh so hard from the English subtitle of what I downloaded and it turns out that it was a Pirated copy of the War of the Worlds.

Ray: It's OK...
(Subtitle: Do not fine, you is just fine.)

Rachel: Is Robby...

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are on an epic fight...

Suddenly, Vader stops swinging. He pulls Luke close to him, and says:

*breathing sounds*

"I know what you are getting for Christmas"

"WHAT?? IT CAN'T BE! HOW?"

*breathing sounds*

"Because I have felt your presents"

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What’s the difference between Epic Games and my uncle?

My uncle doesn’t fuck everyone

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Even under quarantine, it was an epic St. Patrick's Day night!

Except now, the vomit in the bathroom, broken table, shattered pint glasses and piss beside the building all belong to me.

Epic Tragedy

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

Why is Epic Games the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

Why is EPIC's current hit game called Fortnite?

Because that's about how long it takes for the average person to get bored of playing it.

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epic meeting of world's top leaders

During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. Ge...

I saw this fisherman lose an absolutely epic fish and he started crying inconsolably.

I told him "Never mind, mate. Plenty more women on the land".

I was on a date with a girl that works at Epic Games...

She was unreal.

This was the epic top comment on my Joke.

" there doesn't seem to be anything here "

A Russian Battalion is Sent to Fight a Finnish Sniper

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the voi...

Right before I die, i'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

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The average person has sex 90 times a year.

Man this going to be an epic new years eve!

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Thor cruises the universe looking for the perfect woman.

He eventually comes to Earth. He spots this amazing-looking woman in a club, so he asks her if she wants a drink.

"Yeth I'd love a drink she replies".

A bit later Thor asks her to dance.

"Yeth, I'd love to dance " she replies.

In the end Thor decides to ask her back to ...

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

Psychedelic Harmony..

There I was, in the middle of nowhere.. Not a body for miles around.. As I lay in the silence, I started hearing murmurs; whispers of tales and epics long past.. The silence was talking to me.. I fell into a sweet melancholy.. As I listened to the silence, a calm trance took hold of me, the harmony ...

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold.

A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.
He began an Epic struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete sla...

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