Are you a manual transmission?

Because you sure love to stall!

This year, when the clocks went back an hour in Britain, not a single one of them in my house had to be manually corrected.

How times have changed.

What did the manual car say to the new driver ?

You really grind my gears !

Is manual arousal unhealthy?

Using two hands can result in the clap!

What kind of dinosaur avoids manual labour?

Mybakisaur.

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did....

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

What do you call a worker who physically makes nametags?

A manual labeler

A panda walks into a cáfe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.

“Why?” Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.

“I’m a panda,” he says at the door, “look it up.”

The waiter flips to the page about pa...

Do you know what's on pages 5 and 6 of an Opel manual?

Bus and train schedules.

How do you know if a person drives a car with manual transmission?

Don't worry, they will tell you.

Irish Dancing Manual

Lost for centuries, volume 2 of the Irish Dancing Manual has finally been rediscovered.

It’s titled “How to Move The Arms”

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual?

Because they were afraid of Stalin.

Back when I was younger, I looked in the Mario Kart Wii manual and saw it had Classic Controller Support. I thought, "How the hell do you use that?"

Looking back now that I have a Wii again, I looked at my Wii remote and said, "How the hell did I use that?

I finally got something that prevented my car from being robbed in America.

I bought a manual car.

i have a luxury diesel mercedes and its a total piece of rubbish!

i have driven manual my entire life and i got my first automatic and my bloody last one!. i bought new, but it only works during the daytime, at night it shuts off. now look, i put the automatic into d mode during the day, it works fine, but then at night it goes into n mode and won't move.

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A farmer is tired of milking his cows,

So one day, when he sees an advertisement for an automatic cow milker, he immediately orders it.

Two weeks later, when his wife is out buying groceries, the package arrives. The farmer, feeling very horny, opens it up, immediately sticks his dick into it, and turns it on.

The orgasm he...

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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

What do you call an automatic car that wants to be a manual?

A car with tranny problems

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

Which board game instruction manual is the Torah?

Jumanji

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no.

They're going to kill me anyway and I'd love to die the way I lived : avoiding manual labor.

Husband Wife and Audi A8

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.

Inspector: What is her Height?

Husband: I never checked

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not Slim, can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector...

How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Because PETA can't change anything.

(Found this joke in a Super Meat Boy manual)

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

I read the instruction manual for my new watch

It was about time

My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

My ex-girlfriend was so dumb

She thought manual labor was a Mexican migrant worker.

So I got a manual on how to please a man.

So far it's really come in handy.

A German prisoner is captured by an Allied force.

He knew that the American POW camps were safer and more comfortable, while in Russia, the prisoners were tortured every day.

As he arrives at the prison, the guard there began speaking,

"At the camp, we have enough rations for all the prisoners. We do not have any manual labor here ei...

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Farmer Jim goes to the country fair

And there he sees a milking machine, he likes it so much that he buys it.

Tomorrow morning he sets up the machine but decides to test it out himself, so he puts his dick in it.

He comes once, twice, three times.

When he had enough he took the manual to see how the machine tur...

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

My dad died last year. among the things he left us in his Legacy :

were some jump leads,

a tartan blanket

and the original Subaru owners manual.

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

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A businessman boarded a flight....

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It id...

A got a job helping write an instruction booklet

It’s mostly manual labor.

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“W...

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

A young man follows in his father's footsteps... (Long)

The father chopped wood


The son chopped wood


The father built the family home


The son helped expand it


The father did many manual labor jobs to feed the family


The son sacrificed schooling to help at these jobs


The father and son did ...

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

...

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Tech support call.

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not in...

I bought a coin press last week,

...but the manual is in another language. I hope it still makes cents

Superman initially flew with his right arm outstretched and his left hand at his hip. Later he started flying with both arms out.

He switched from manual to auto.

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A blonde participates in the television show Who wants to be a millionaire...

The TV host asks her the following questions:

1st
How long did the 100-year war last?

a) 116 years
b) 99 years
c) 100 years
d) 150 years

The blonde chooses to use the opportunity not to respond.

2nd
In which country did you find the Panama Cabin?

a) ...

How did the mayor of Chicago learn to cook noodles?

With the Ramen Manual

Do you know what really grinds my gears?

My wife! This is her first time driving a manual.

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So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

When the computers crash at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. “It was awful,” the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. “All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.”
“That sounds awful,” the wife consoles.
“You’re telling me,” he replies after a sip, “I had to k...

A man with no arms is in need of a job...

He lacks experience in the service industry but his missing arms severely limit his ability to perform manual labour. Everyday he goes out looking for work and everyday he comes back dejected.

One morning—while flipping through the classifieds with his toes—he comes across the following ad,...

The most well known person in the world

Some Spanish guy named "Manual"... A copy of his autobiography, printed in multiple languages, comes free with every electronic device or machinery... although much of his life story is lost in translation.

My friend is so rich

He thought Manual labor was a Spanish musician

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A man washes up on a deserted beach...

He coughs up some water and tries to find himself some civilization. He walk around until it becomes apparent he is alone on an island except for a pig and a dog, both of which are strangely domesticated. Oh well, time to Robinson Crusoe the shit out of this island.

He starts a fire. Builds ...

Why are automatic vehicles difficult to drive?

Because they don't come with a manual

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Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

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Uncle Jack

You are a farmer. Your father owns the farm. You live with your father Jim, your mother Ruth, your uncle Jack, and your brother Michael. Your father is in charge of the farm, so he takes care of all of the animals, the crops, and manual labor. Your mother cooks and cleans. Your brother is too young ...

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military jokes

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping ...

A blonde says to another:

Guess what? I solved a puzzle this morning. The other girl says: so what? What's the big deal?
"Well, I solved it in half an hour when the instructions manual clearly stated '3-5 years".

So Germany is going to fine companies that fail to remove hate speech and terrorist related content...

Maybe instead of companies like YouTube manually checking videos, they should just Autobahn.

Signalman

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Gary says, "I would switch the points for o...

What's the difference between England and America?

In England, you drive manual. In America, Manuel drives you.

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The executive is overworked and decide to take some time off and visit his farmer cousins...

The executive is overworked getting stressed and decide to take some time off from work and visit his cousins who live in a farm in the country side.
He calls his cousin who is more than happy to have him over since they haven't seen each other in years.
When the executive gets there he no...

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This machine stops after..... [NSFW]

So a son invites his father to come visit England from India. The son was very excited about his father visiting England and so he decided to take him on a tour. Unfortunately his father didn't show the same excitement like his son. The boy was confused and asked his father "What is the matter?, don...

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A Bus Full of Nuns Crashes...

(long) and they all die. In Heaven, they're all lined up outside the pearly gates while St. Peter checks each on in. "When you took your vows, you vowed that you were married to Christ and no other," says St. Peter. "Because of this, I need to ask you if you've ever had physical contact with a pe...

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?

A miracle.

-------------------------------------

A man drives his Lada to a mechanic and asks, "Can I have a spare hubcap for my Lada?" The mechanic says, "Sounds like a fair trade."

-------------------------------------

A Russian man enters a car raffle. Dropping the tic...

First day on the job as a Wal-Mart Greeter.

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all t...

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A group of friends were named after their professions.

The artist was named Drew because thats what he did. The laborer was called Manual because thats the type of labor he did. The lawyer was called be Bill because 'Fucking People Out of Money' takes to long to say.

What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

"Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."

Old experiment

#You are now breathing and blinking manually.

#also you are aware of your tongue now.

Let me know if this worked

666 is the Number of the Beast

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all...

Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission?

He was always Stalin in his manual!

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

a manual.

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NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ...

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