UPJOKE
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"Can you fit any more Milky Way Chocolate Bars into your desk drawer there, Jim?"

"Nope, all outer space."

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Two planets meet on the milky way.

One says: You look much better. Did you find something against your homo sapiens?
The other answers: My doctor is still experimenting with viruses. But it seems to get better.

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered

Sad news…

At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath…

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" everyone cheered.

Three women walk into an elevator

A blonde a brunette and a redhead. The door closes and a smear of a milky liquid is visible on the door. The brunette sniffs it and say "I think that is cum..."
The blond touches it and moves it around between her fingers and thumb and agrees..." that's cum".
The redhead dropped to he...

The Milky Way experienced a cosmic fender-bender with a dwarf galaxy 500 million years ago.

It was the ultimate slow-down of ultimate density.

Why couldn't the boy look at the Milky Way?

He was galactose intolerant.

Where did the Milky Way come from?

It came from the Udder Way.

Chocolate, icecream, cookies, mars bars, doritos, popcorn, milky ways, kit kats and lays!

i wrote this joke to reach a wider audience.

As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving away from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy

I’m galactose intolerant

Halloween Joke

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

I read that the Large Magellanic Cloud is going to collide with the Milky Way in 2 billion years.

Maybe the government shutdown will be over by then.

Why did the cow travel to the moon?

To checkout the Milky Way.

What do a bag of Lay's potato chips and the Milky Way have in common?

They're both mostly empty space.

Yo mama so dumb

She thought her indigestion was lactose intolerance living in the milky way.

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Old Russian joke: One day the bear escaped from the zoo

One day the bear escaped from the zoo and climbed a tree in a residential area. Same day lonely old lady came out in the morning for milk, saw the bear and called the zoo. Half an hour later a rusty old van drove to her house. Hefty bearded man with a shotgun got out of the van followed by little wh...

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗡𝗮𝗺𝗲'𝘀 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁... 𝗖𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗰 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁.

The year was 2020.

By some miracle, Julius Caesar woke up in his grave.

Yes, the same dude from Ancient Rome who got whacked by Brutus and his buddies.

The stab wounds on his back had healed and he was alive again.

He dug himself out of his grave and looked at himself in...

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

I'm a 1%er and the rest of you are beneath me

I mean whole and 2% are too creamy and skim is basically disgusting milky water.

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Went camping last weekend and woke up at three in the morning to the most amazing site of the milky way galaxy.

Where the fuck is my tent?
Sight,fuck

There’s a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It’s really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator.

On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid. The brunette notices it first and says,
"Oh my God, that looks like semen."
The redhead bends down and sniffs,
"Oh my god, this smells like semen."
The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it, and st...

What do you call a road in India?

The Milky Way.

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The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

what do you call it when you use milk to make protein drinks?

Milky-Whey.

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The Birth of Baby Ruth

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediate...

Alone Guys and Girls

The known universe is made up of 50,000,000,000 galaxies. There are between 100,000,000,000 and 1,000,000,000,000 stars in a normal galaxy. In the Milky Way alone there might be as many 100 billion Earth-like planets. Still think you’re alone?

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Took a friend and his dog to the vet today.

There was a woman inside with a dog named Snickers.


I told her after she gets him fixed she can call him Milky Way.

No nuts.

She laughed her ass off as did the vet.

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A Rabbi goes to church to visit a friend who is a priest...(long)

He is waiting around for the priest, just hanging out by the pews, when a young woman comes into the church, and goes into the confessional.

The Rabbi thinks to himself that he dose not want to wait around longer for the the priest, and taking confessions can't be that difficult, so he slip...

Why are nipple pasties often in the shape of stars?

To make the milky way.

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A boy is trying to sell fish..

..so he screams "Dam fish, get your dam fish here."

A pastor walks up and asks: "Why are you using bad language?"

The boy explains that he caught them at the local dam. The pastor buys one and takes it home and tells his wife to "Cook the dam fish!"

She says: "I didnt know pasto...

Why did the farmer place the cow on the weighing machine?

He wanted to see the milky weigh.

Dog and a Candy Bar

How is a dog before he goes into the vet like a Snickers, and after he comes out of the vet like a Milky Way?

They are both the same, just without the nuts.

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Holmes and Watson go out camping.

Sherlock Holmes and his good friend Dr. Watson decide to make a trip to the countryside and go camping.

In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up Watson and asks him:

"John, look up at the sky. What do you see?"

Watson, still sleepy, slowly arranges his thoughts:
"The... ...

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