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Nuke Jokes

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What do you get when you cross a dildo with a nuke?

A weapon of ass destruction

North Korea wants nuclear weapons so bad, even their leader is a nuke

Little boy and Fat Man

what did the nuke say to the dynamite?

Ok, Boomer

Why can't we just nuke tornadoes?

That way nobody will die from the tornado.

If your garden gets nuked.

Does it become a Gnome man's land?

Why do you have to nuke siberia twice?

The first one is just to break the ice.

If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now

"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?

Fission mailed!

you know happened after I nuked china?

I Burned myself on the plate.

Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher.

It was a weapon of math destruction.
I'm so sorry.

What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

What do you call the fallout from an Israeli nuke?

Zionizing radiation.

What sound does the slingshot North Korean nuke make when it's launced?

Pyongyang

If Kim Jong-Un like nukes so much...

Isn’t he just Fallout Boy?

What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

A guy wants to build a nuke. He goes to a supplier and asks...

"How much are the protons?"

"A dime a dozen, and the neutrons are free of charge."

Nukes

What's the next Muslim country that will have nukes?
France

If I owned a nuke I would name it Dr. W.

Because its a W. M.d.

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Trump: "Kim! Why are you sending NUKES?"

"I said send NUDES"

My dad works on Nukes and told me this today

What dessert was served during the Manhattan Project?

Yellow Cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

How do you reheat a cold war?

You nuke it.

Trump to bartender: We are going to nuke Pakistan & kill Mia Khalifa

Bartender: why mia khalifa?

Trump to Imaran Khan: see nobody cares about Pakistan!

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

With Kim Jong Un’s death possible, his successor would be his sister. Perhaps we wouldn’t have to worry about being nuked all the time.

We’d only have to worry about being nuked once a month!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of Australian students where discussing if Trump became president who would he nuke and what would be his motives.

One of the students brightly said "Well, he has no motive to nuke us, we fought in Nam with them and we would be considered allies."

Another student says,
"He has motive to nuke New Zealand though."

The other students are intrigued as to why.

He says,
"Well he hates goat ...

Kim Jung Un called Xi Jinping at 3:30 in the morning.

Xi: Why are you calling at *this* time?

Kim: I am going to test a nuke.

Xi: Okay, when are you going to do this?

Kim: 10.

Xi: 10 what? In 10 months? 10 weeks? 10 days?

Kim: 9.

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

My worst joke ever told

What do you call the fallout of a cheese nuke? Debrie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Japaneese have squinty eyes?

Do you have any idea how bright a nuke is?

2016 is on such a high kill streak

I'm worried for when it's going to unlock nukes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligent life

The U.N. wanted to contact other worlds in hopes of finding intelligent life in the vast of space. So they gathered all of earth greatest minds to work together to complete such a task. After years of failing to reach life in space, the program was starting to crumple and the top minds abandoned shi...

Kim Jong un would be great at call of duty

If team kills counted twords the "nuke" scorestreak

China, Russia, and Brazil have a contest to see who can obliterate the American west coast...

Russia tries firing off some Nukes, but as luck would have it, the CIA's "Star Wars" satellite missile defense system stopped all the ICBMs before they even got past Hawaii.

China's turn... They send out their Naval Fleet but half of the aircraft carriers catch on fire before they...

Why do asians squint all the time?

Because nukes are so bright

Two nuclear explosions occur next to each other.

"You're way too close to me" says nuke #1. "I'm Feynman" says the other.

Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you w...

Here's a Russian Joke I liked... that doesn't have any swears

The Year is 1973... and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other's destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other's allies...



Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others pa...

Is New years but your ....

Not sure if the explosion's out side the window are fireworks or nukes going off

What did Kim Jong Un say after a nuclear war with China?

"when I said nuke the Chinese, I was talking about the left overs!"

Found this in r/funny

"When I said to nuke the Chinese, I meant to put the takeout in the microwave!"

Just some funny one-liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to ...

What did the U.S president say before starting WW3?

Nukes... You're fired!

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Because North Korea's nukes couldn't reach him there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

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