Why do lazy archaeologists love deep penetrating radar?

Because they can just LIDAR and take it.

They say stealth planes make your radar signature smaller, so you show up to the radar just like a small bird

"Sir, we think we've spotted a pigeon on the radar screen."

"Well what's unusual about that?"

"Well the pigeon is flying at about mach 2."

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A guy is speeding and he sees a cop on the overpass above him pointing a radar gun

He knows he's caught, and sure enough, a few moments later Smokey is behind him with lights flashing. He pulls over and the cop asks for his papers and whether he has been drinking.

The guy says, "No, I haven't been drinking. Just heading home after work."

"What type of work do you do...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

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Radar Gun

During an uneventful evening a cop at a speed trap has pulled over a speeding car.

*Cop*: "Sir do you know why I pulled you over?"
*Man*: "I'm afraid I was speeding officer. But you see, I'm a plastic surgeon at a private clinic and I was rushing to a client."
*Cop*: "What kind of a...

Cop: Is that a radar detector I see?

A cop pulled me over the other day for speeding.
After giving me the ticket, he teases me a bit about my out of state plate and the fact that I'm driving a car that's in my Dad's name.

He points to my dash and asks, "Is that a radar detector I see?"
Me: I don't know.
Cop: Is that a r...

Back in the days before radar...

... a large American naval vessel was cutting through a dark, foggy night. Suddenly, through the darkness, was a set of lights hurtling towards them. The captain tells his signalman to communicate to them: “Veer off.”

A moment later, they get a reply back: “You veer off.”

Indignant and...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
...

TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia...

Oops...wrong sub

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

All mothers have intuition.

Great mothers have radar.

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Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...

Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"

Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"

Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!...

A local nunnery started a fight club

Obviously such an event had to be very under the radar, so very few people knew about it.

One of my best friends aunts is a nun, so he invited me to go with him. I went once, immediately got hooked, and now we go every Tuesday night. I told my wife that I had to work late Tuesday nights, the...

Good, Better, Best

GOOD:



A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read, “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.”

The officer later found a young accomplice ...

What do you call a helicopter with no radar and no windows?

A Helenkelicopter.

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

What do you do with a 6ft Ahole?

I man was late for work and speeding to his job. He came over the hill of a bridge and found himself in a speed trap. The cop pulls him over and walks up to his car.
Cop: sir why were you speeding?
Man: I'm late for work
Cop: what do you do that's so important you think you can speed?
Ma...

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Guy gets pulled over for speeding.

A guy is driving down the road, and right after he crosses over a bridge, there is a state trooper parked behind some bushes. The guy gets pulled over.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" says the Cop.

"Yeah, I was speeding." Says the guy, "But I have a good reason, I swear."

"...

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...

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A proctologist gets pulled over for speeding.

One day, this car flies over the bridge. The cop at the end of the bridge uses his radar gun and sure enough, the car is speeding. He pulls him over.

Cop: Why the rush, sir?

Man: I was just called to the hospital. I'm a proctologist.

Cop: I've never heard of a proctologist befor...

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Bob, a lawyer,

was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.

His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.

He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun...

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That’s some asshole

A man was speeding down the highway, going far too fast. As he passes under a bridge, a state trooper flips on his lights and pulls him over.

Trooper: where are you going in such a hurry?

Driver: sorry officer, I’m on my way to my proctologist to have my asshole stretched.

Troo...

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a guy gets pulled over at the end of a bridge for speeding

The police officer walks up to his car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver, rudely says "No officer - but I'm sure you're aware, so why don't you enlighten both of us?"

The police officer, recognizing the driver's attitude, attempts to take him down a notch. "Wh...

I was at a costume party, but had decided not to dress up

I told everyone I was a really, really, really, really, really, stealthy airplane.

--


I then proceeded to drop off their radar.

Why did the rookie technician allow a German zeppelin to fly over Allied airspace?

It was just a blimp on the radar.

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Rectal stretcher

I was driving down the highway going a little too fast when I look in my rear view and a state trooper is pulling me over. I pull to the shoulder and he approached my window, he asks, “do you know how fast you were going?” I quickly try to explain to him that I’m a doctor and I’m on my way to an imp...

A man is driving down a country road

A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the hors...

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Recktum

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.

Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes officer,...

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A man was stopped for speeding

A man was driving along an overpass and was caught in a speed trap by a police officer with a radar gun. He admitted he was speeding, apologized, and told the officer that the reason he was speeding was that he did not want to be late for work. The officer wrote the ticket, explained the details of ...

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A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes, were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes – $50.00."

A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves."

"How come you don’t stop them?" asked one of the girls.

...

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6ft Asshole

So I was headed to work this morning and I was running late. I had the cruise set at 80mph and I crested a hill and there sits a cop running his radar.
Needless to say, he lights me up and I get pulled over.
Cop walks up and asks, "What's the rush... Where you headed in such a hurry?"
"I'm ...

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A black man is driving his Mercedes when he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks him for his license and regristration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?" The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes." Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "First you work a ...

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A man wakes up late and has to speed to get to work on time...

He's flying down the highway, doing 90 in a 60. He approaches an overpass and sees a cop above running radar. The man thinks to.m himself, "shit".

Sure enough, lights and sirens and the cop is pulling him over. He officer approaches the car and asks the man, "Sir, do you know why I pulled yo...

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A Doctor is pulled over for speeding...

A doctor is speeding and goes through a blind corner only to find a cop standing there with a radar gun. The cop chases him down and pulls him over. The cop says, "Sir I pulled you over because you were doing almost double the speed limit through that turn."
The doctor replies, "Look I'm an im...

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A man is stopped by a traffic cop...

'Did you know you were three miles over the speed limit, sir? The officer asks.

The man begins to explain 'I'm really sorry officer I'm late for my arsehole stretching appointment'

Seeing the perplexed look on the officers face he continues, 'what they do is, put one finger in and work...

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So a man goes fishing...

He has been working hard all week and finally gets a chance to go out and relax on the lake.

He spends all afternoon out there and he manages to catch a dozen fish or so. He calls it a day and heads back to shore to gut and clean the fish.

The man finishes cleaning his last fish and ...

Whatever happened to Malaysian flight 370?

It just fell off the radar

22 Miles Per Hour

A cop is driving down a freeway and he suddenly sees a car going slow, like incredibly slow. He thinks "people who drive at super slow speeds are just as bad as driving super fast on a freeway." He takes out his radar gun, and takes the speed of the car. It reads 22 miles per hour. The cop decides t...

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and...

...he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers, and six-pa...

A true story about the time I got caught speeding

This is the story of the time I was pulled over for doing almost 70 in a construction area, where the speed limit had been reduced to 55.

So I pulled over right away because I'm white and a man with a mustache that only a cop would grow, swung a leg dramatically over his motorcycle and walke...

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A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge

when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver's license and registration, he's filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, "So, what do you do for a living sir?"

The guy replies, ...

My friends and I love to walk everywhere...

You can say we are a bunch of pediphiles.


Credit to "Last Man on Earth" for the very under the radar joke last week.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets pulled over on his way to work.

Officer:Do you know why I pulled you over?

Driver: I suppose it would be for speeding.

Officer: Yes sir. Now, where are you heading in such a hurry?

Driver: I'm heading to work and I'm running late. I have a very important job.

Officer: What type of work is so important t...

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A different kind of doctor

A man was speeding down the local highway, far over the limit as he crossed a bridge. The cop that was hidden to the side raced after him and immediately pulled him over. He walks up to the car window and begins to question the man.

"Where are you headed in such a hurry?" the cop asks

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was speeding over a bridge

A man is speeding over a bridge one day, late for work, when he's pulled over by a cop operating radar at the end of the bridge. The cop walks up to the driver side window and asks the man what he does for a living. The man replies, "I'm a professional asshole stretcher."
His curiosity piqued, th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was speeding down a country road...

...he drove across an old bridge and just after getting to the other side a cop pulls him over. The officer approaches his window and starts with the normal cop procedure, licence, registration, the usual. Sooner or later he says to the guy "what do you do for a living?" And the man says "I'm an ass...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Another guy speeding joke.

A guy is in a rush to get to work, and he driving quickly.

He crosses over a bridge, and get's tagged by a cop and pulled over.

The cop slowly walks up to the car and asks for license and registration.

After they check out the cop returns and says, "Do you know why I pulled you...

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Gone Fishin'

An older cop towards the end of his shift was sitting on the side of a busy road with his radar gun trying to just make it through the day. As he's sitting there watching traffic, a young kid in a brand new BMW comes flying down the road past the cop. Knowing the routine, the cop turns on his lights...

A CHP officer noticed a car going extremely slowly down a freeway…

It was going a little over 10 mph according to his radar gun, and as it was completely screwing up the rest of traffic, he decided to pull it over.

He notices that the driver is a blonde woman, and proceeds to go through the typical routine.

"Do you know why I pulled you over ma'am?" h...

Air Traffic Control joke

Two pilots were talking in a bar. One asked the other what is the worst air traffic controlling he had experienced. He told the following story....We were coming into Madrid it was socked in with heavy fog and the ILS (Instrument Landing System) was out so we were getting talked down by their radar ...

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A man get caught by a cop at the end of a bridge...

The cop ask the man:

-Do you know how fast you were driving? What's the hurry?

-I need to get to my job, I'm really needed there.

-What are you, a surgeon?

-No I'm an asshole stretcher, you see?

-What on earth is an asshole stretcher, ask the cop.

-Well, the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was speeding down the road and didn't notice the cop parked behind a billboard...

Sure enough, the cop pulls out behind the man and turns on the lights and sirens. The man pulls over and rolls down his window as the police officer walks up to the man's car. "Is there a problem, officer?" the man says. "You must be in some kind of hurry as fast as you were driving," says the cop. ...

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