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Radar Jokes

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

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Boy stays off the radar

Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

Cop: Is that a radar detector I see?

A cop pulled me over the other day for speeding.
After giving me the ticket, he teases me a bit about my out of state plate and the fact that I'm driving a car that's in my Dad's name.

He points to my dash and asks, "Is that a radar detector I see?"
Me: I don't know.
Cop: Is that a r...

What do you call a helicopter with no radar and no windows?

A Helenkelicopter.

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

Santa Claus gets captured and interrogated by the KGB

“You are a very suspicious man. Who did you say you are?”

“I’m Father Christmas.”

“Then who is this Santa?”

“Oh that’s also me, I have many names, ho ho ho!”

“So you are a spy then? And what kind of jet is that? It is not detectable by our radars.”

“You mean the sl...

Why do lazy archaeologists love deep penetrating radar?

Because they can just LIDAR and take it.

An Alabama cop is sitting behind a billboard on the highway doing radar.

Suddenly he sees a teenager in a Mustang fly by him doing 125mph in a 60mph zone.

He flips on his lights and goes after the kid finally catching up to him 2-miles down the road.

The cop walks up to the Mustang and says "Son, I been wait'n fer you all day!"

The kid replies "Sorry...

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A black man is driving in a Mercedes-Benz when he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks him for his license and registration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?"

The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes."

Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "Fi...

TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia...

Oops...wrong sub

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A doctor is taking a joyride down a long country road.

He doesn’t pay attention to his speed and eventually passes a police officer that was hidden behind some trees with a radar gun. The officer immediately pulls the guy over and approaches the car. He asks the guys for his license and registration. When he looks at the guy’s license he notices he a do...

A man is driving down a country road

A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the hors...

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

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A proctologist gets pulled over for speeding.

One day, this car flies over the bridge. The cop at the end of the bridge uses his radar gun and sure enough, the car is speeding. He pulls him over.

Cop: Why the rush, sir?

Man: I was just called to the hospital. I'm a proctologist.

Cop: I've never heard of a proctologist befor...

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10 speed

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pu...

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Rectum Stretcher

I was on my way to work a few months ago and I'm going under an overpass. A cop pulls out, flips on the siren and sex lights, so we pull over. He sidles up to my window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"35?" I ask, knowing it's a 35 mph zone.

"Radar has you going 37," h...

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Lil Johnny speeding past a bridge.

(This was a take away joke)

Officer: Do you know you were doing 80 in a 65?
Johnny: No, I apologize, I was just rushing to work.
Officer: What makes your job so important that you need to put peoples lives at risk, speeding along the roadway?
Johnny: I'm a rectum stretcher.
Office...

Somali Pirates Can't Find Hidden Treasure Buried in 2007

A bunch of Somali pirates lost their hidden treasure. They last saw their hidden treasure in 2007. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure.

One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.

"Captain, we should break R ...

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A man is speeding to get to work on time.

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.

Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes offi...

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A man was stopped for speeding

A man was driving along an overpass and was caught in a speed trap by a police officer with a radar gun. He admitted he was speeding, apologized, and told the officer that the reason he was speeding was that he did not want to be late for work. The officer wrote the ticket, explained the details of ...

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a guy gets pulled over at the end of a bridge for speeding

The police officer walks up to his car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver, rudely says "No officer - but I'm sure you're aware, so why don't you enlighten both of us?"

The police officer, recognizing the driver's attitude, attempts to take him down a notch. "Wh...

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Sign vs. Sign

A couple of young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two hookers – $50.00."

A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that t...

Why did the rookie technician allow a German zeppelin to fly over Allied airspace?

It was just a blimp on the radar.

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Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

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This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

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A Doctor is pulled over for speeding...

A doctor is speeding and goes through a blind corner only to find a cop standing there with a radar gun. The cop chases him down and pulls him over. The cop says, "Sir I pulled you over because you were doing almost double the speed limit through that turn."
The doctor replies, "Look I'm an im...

I was at a costume party, but had decided not to dress up

I told everyone I was a really, really, really, really, really, stealthy airplane.

--


I then proceeded to drop off their radar.

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So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

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Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...

Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"

Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"

Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!...

Yoda is piloting a 747...

Radio tower: Flight 90 you seem to be veering away from your designated flight path. Stay on course. Over.

Yoda: Instrument panels, working not.

Radio tower: Flight 90, stay on course. Is everything okay? Over.

Yoda: Too many clouds, there are.

Radio tower: Flight 90. Ma...

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6ft Asshole

So I was headed to work this morning and I was running late. I had the cruise set at 80mph and I crested a hill and there sits a cop running his radar.
Needless to say, he lights me up and I get pulled over.
Cop walks up and asks, "What's the rush... Where you headed in such a hurry?"
"I'm ...

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A man was speeding over a bridge

A man is speeding over a bridge one day, late for work, when he's pulled over by a cop operating radar at the end of the bridge. The cop walks up to the driver side window and asks the man what he does for a living. The man replies, "I'm a professional asshole stretcher."
His curiosity piqued, th...

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A man wakes up late and has to speed to get to work on time...

He's flying down the highway, doing 90 in a 60. He approaches an overpass and sees a cop above running radar. The man thinks to.m himself, "shit".

Sure enough, lights and sirens and the cop is pulling him over. He officer approaches the car and asks the man, "Sir, do you know why I pulled yo...

Joe, you're not going to believe what I just saw.

A fitness junkie buys a new bike and takes it for a long ride on a stretch of road going over many hills. On his way home he finds he is to exhausted to continue, and rests on the side of the road. After an hour a Lamborghini Veneno pulls up and the young man driving offers him a ride. After realizi...

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

Whatever happened to Malaysian flight 370?

It just fell off the radar

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A man's yatch capsizes and he is about to drown in the middle of the ocean

Loudly he proclaimes "Nothing to fear! My lord will save me!"

A tug boat comes by and the sailor spots the man

"It's your lucky day mate, jump in and I'll take you to shore"

The man replies, "thankyou for the kind offer but I have no fear, my lord will save me!"

"Suit you...

There was a man and woman driving down an interstate…

They speed past a sheriff stationed on the side of the road, and the sheriff checks the radar gun. Sure enough, they were speeding, so he takes off and catches up with the elderly couple. He flashes the lights, and they eventually pull over on the side of the road.

The sheriff walks up to th...

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A guy gets pulled over for speeding

The officer asks "whats the rush?"

The man replies "Well sir, I'm late for work."

The officer asks "What do you do for work?"

The man replies "I'm an asshole stretcher."

Perplexed the officer inquires "Asshole stretcher? What kind of job is that?"

The man then goes...

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A man is stopped by a traffic cop...

'Did you know you were three miles over the speed limit, sir? The officer asks.

The man begins to explain 'I'm really sorry officer I'm late for my arsehole stretching appointment'

Seeing the perplexed look on the officers face he continues, 'what they do is, put one finger in and work...

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and...

...he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers, and six-pa...

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That’s some asshole

A man was speeding down the highway, going far too fast. As he passes under a bridge, a state trooper flips on his lights and pulls him over.

Trooper: where are you going in such a hurry?

Driver: sorry officer, I’m on my way to my proctologist to have my asshole stretched.

Troo...

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Rectal stretcher

I was driving down the highway going a little too fast when I look in my rear view and a state trooper is pulling me over. I pull to the shoulder and he approached my window, he asks, “do you know how fast you were going?” I quickly try to explain to him that I’m a doctor and I’m on my way to an imp...

What do you do with a 6ft Ahole?

I man was late for work and speeding to his job. He came over the hill of a bridge and found himself in a speed trap. The cop pulls him over and walks up to his car.
Cop: sir why were you speeding?
Man: I'm late for work
Cop: what do you do that's so important you think you can speed?
Ma...

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The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

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A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge

when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver's license and registration, he's filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, "So, what do you do for a living sir?"

The guy replies, ...

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

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A man get caught by a cop at the end of a bridge...

The cop ask the man:

-Do you know how fast you were driving? What's the hurry?

-I need to get to my job, I'm really needed there.

-What are you, a surgeon?

-No I'm an asshole stretcher, you see?

-What on earth is an asshole stretcher, ask the cop.

-Well, the...

22 Miles Per Hour

A cop is driving down a freeway and he suddenly sees a car going slow, like incredibly slow. He thinks "people who drive at super slow speeds are just as bad as driving super fast on a freeway." He takes out his radar gun, and takes the speed of the car. It reads 22 miles per hour. The cop decides t...

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Guy gets pulled over for speeding.

A guy is driving down the road, and right after he crosses over a bridge, there is a state trooper parked behind some bushes. The guy gets pulled over.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" says the Cop.

"Yeah, I was speeding." Says the guy, "But I have a good reason, I swear."

"...

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Another guy speeding joke.

A guy is in a rush to get to work, and he driving quickly.

He crosses over a bridge, and get's tagged by a cop and pulled over.

The cop slowly walks up to the car and asks for license and registration.

After they check out the cop returns and says, "Do you know why I pulled you...

A CHP officer noticed a car going extremely slowly down a freeway…

It was going a little over 10 mph according to his radar gun, and as it was completely screwing up the rest of traffic, he decided to pull it over.

He notices that the driver is a blonde woman, and proceeds to go through the typical routine.

"Do you know why I pulled you over ma'am?" h...

A true story about the time I got caught speeding

This is the story of the time I was pulled over for doing almost 70 in a construction area, where the speed limit had been reduced to 55.

So I pulled over right away because I'm white and a man with a mustache that only a cop would grow, swung a leg dramatically over his motorcycle and walke...

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Gone Fishin'

An older cop towards the end of his shift was sitting on the side of a busy road with his radar gun trying to just make it through the day. As he's sitting there watching traffic, a young kid in a brand new BMW comes flying down the road past the cop. Knowing the routine, the cop turns on his lights...

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A different kind of doctor

A man was speeding down the local highway, far over the limit as he crossed a bridge. The cop that was hidden to the side raced after him and immediately pulled him over. He walks up to the car window and begins to question the man.

"Where are you headed in such a hurry?" the cop asks

...

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A man gets pulled over on his way to work.

Officer:Do you know why I pulled you over?

Driver: I suppose it would be for speeding.

Officer: Yes sir. Now, where are you heading in such a hurry?

Driver: I'm heading to work and I'm running late. I have a very important job.

Officer: What type of work is so important t...

Air Traffic Control joke

Two pilots were talking in a bar. One asked the other what is the worst air traffic controlling he had experienced. He told the following story....We were coming into Madrid it was socked in with heavy fog and the ILS (Instrument Landing System) was out so we were getting talked down by their radar ...

A local nunnery started a fight club

Obviously such an event had to be very under the radar, so very few people knew about it.

One of my best friends aunts is a nun, so he invited me to go with him. I went once, immediately got hooked, and now we go every Tuesday night. I told my wife that I had to work late Tuesday nights, the...

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A man was speeding down the road and didn't notice the cop parked behind a billboard...

Sure enough, the cop pulls out behind the man and turns on the lights and sirens. The man pulls over and rolls down his window as the police officer walks up to the man's car. "Is there a problem, officer?" the man says. "You must be in some kind of hurry as fast as you were driving," says the cop. ...

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A man was speeding down a country road...

...he drove across an old bridge and just after getting to the other side a cop pulls him over. The officer approaches his window and starts with the normal cop procedure, licence, registration, the usual. Sooner or later he says to the guy "what do you do for a living?" And the man says "I'm an ass...

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