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Metal Detector Jokes

Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport?

Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a man and a woman lay on a beach, the man notices someone with a metal detector.

"I wonder if he's found anything," he says to his wife, "I'm gonna to go ask him."

"C'mon honey, leave the loser alone."

But he was already up and walking over. "Found anything?" the man calls out.

"Oh yes," says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. "I ...

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

When people use metal detectors, they’re treasure hunters…

but when _I_ do it, I’m “a thief” and I “need to leave the war memorial.”

Double standards, man. I swear

I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

The first time out with my metal detector I found a beautiful wedding ring!!

But the bride was still wearing it, so the police came and now they won't give it back.

Somali Pirates Can't Find Hidden Treasure Buried in 2007

A bunch of Somali pirates lost their hidden treasure. They last saw their hidden treasure in 2007. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure.

One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.

"Captain, we should break R ...

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

A zombie is checking for an overseas flight...

At the security check the TSA is scanning his luggage, running him through metal detectors, etc. Finally, an attendant stops him at the gate.

"Sir, you're absolutely crawling with bugs. You're going to have to store those un your suitcase or ship them separately."

"Oh, no, it's okay." ...

In the 1980s, Gorbachev was adored by the West...

... But very much hated by his own people. All of Russia despised the man who caved in to the West and weakened the mighty Soviet Union. Many wanted to have his head, even his officials and the KGB.

One day at the Red Square, Gorbachev was giving a speech in front of the public. The KGB deci...

Why do metal detectors always go off when Russian men pass through it even if they’re buck naked?

It’s because of their iron will and golden balls.

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

A person has been infected by a disease that has made him unable to see well in dimly lit areas with his right eye.

The doctor proposes he receives a rod transplant in his right eye immediately and tells the surgeons.

Directly after the surgery, the patient asks the doctor, ‘Doctor, the surgery didn’t work, I am now unable to see anything and I even set off metal detectors accidentally.’

The doctor ...

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