UPJOKE
commissionboardpanelsubcommitteecouncilsecretarylegislaturecongressbylawsassociationchairmanconservancycommissionerorganizationpolitburo

Committee Jokes

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

What do you call a committee of emo kids?

A cutting board

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

What do you call a committee made up entirely of people named William?

A Billboard.

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a meeting for the premature ejaculation committee

I didn’t know what to wear... so I just came in my pants

It was to be the biggest scientific press conference of the decade.

Geneticist Rick Hallorann spoke to the crowds of reporters, camera flashes illuminating his face.

"The time has finally come for the first human cloning experiment to be performed," he began. "The technology for us to clone humans has been around since the eighties - but only now, after plent...

The Senate committee just released a report about the Cold War.

They found that in response to Sesame Street promoting friendship, racial equality, and care, the CIA captured the Count and forced him to run through truckloads of rice.

A university committee was selecting a new dean.

They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “...

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Anti-proliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The woodland animals built themselves a public toilet.

All went well for the first couple of weeks, then one morning as the toilet committee were inspecting the toilet, they found that one of the windows was smashed. They asked all the animals what had happened, and the rabbit said, "Last night the bear was taking a shit, and the toilet was out of paper...

Horse committee is shutting down

Too many neighsayers.

Why can’t horse committees accomplish anything?

They always vote “Neigh”.

My local neighbourhood committee leader lost his position recently

Needless to say he was dis-appointed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried donating to the itty-bitty titty committee...

But they don't really need the support

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

"See, comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have a separate apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker will h...

A hippoptamus has brought his dissertation to defend before the doctoral committee.

The first professor picks up the dissertation and leafs through it. "Hm, interesting," she says. "Follow me, if you please." She leads the hippo and the rest of the committee out to her car which they pile into and drive to her house. She takes them to her reading room. She sets the papers down on a...

Committee, n.:

A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred Allen

The House Intelligence Committee

Shoot, I put the punchline in the title again!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Democratic National Committee.

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

The Stasi tells Honecker there's a West German spy in his Central Committee.

So Honecker takes his favourite Stasi man along to the next meeting. The concierge (an old red) sees Honecker and the Stasi agent go in and, just one minute later, the Stasi man exiting , with a Central Committee member hand-cuffed to him.

"Comrade, I'm so impressed with your speed and effici...

What do you get when you cross an orca with a housecat?

An angry ethics committee and your grant revoked.

The Olympic committee wanted to name a celestial body after Oscar Pistorius.

But they were denied since he is already a shooting star.

Why is Roy Moore’s Strategic Planning Committee headquartered in Disney's Hollywood Hotel?

He likes to keep his staff in something 12 years old.

When Canada became independent, a committee was made to name the new country.

The three men included disagreed on all names brought up so far. Finally, they all decided to just say one letter that they could use to add together to make a name they all agreed on.

The first guy said "C, eh?"

The second guys went "N, eh?"

The last guy goes "D, eh?"

An...

International Men's Day

When creating International Women's Day the committee in charge also created one for men. The problem is, every single man forgot the date, so it has been lost to history.

Well, after much digging and searching I managed to rediscover the date, and wanted to share this information with every...

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

As soon as the inauguration is over, I'm getting a position on Trump's ethics committee.

I'm not political, I just need some quite time alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke from old Czechoslovakia, translated for you

I was a CEO of big company. I was driving corporate Tatra 613. Every morning, coffee was brewed by sexy secretary assistant. One day, they asked me to contribute 5000 crowns for the funeral of the member of Central Committee of the Communist Party. I said that for 5000 crowns I will burry the while ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] [NSFW] Three couples wanted to join a very strict church.

As they met with with the Membership Committee, the Lead Elder told them they could join if they passed a simple test of purity.

"All you need to do it abstain from sexual intercourse for six months," he said. "Do that and you are in."

Six months passed and the three couples returned t...

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A committee has narrowed the search for a name for the newly hypothesised 9th planet.

It's between Urpenis and Urvagina.

What was the name of the political committee that worked to protect the rights of wine enthusiasts?

The Bacchus Caucus

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soviet joke: A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution.

The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution.

For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes.

And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known thr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
...

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?



one to issue the requisition form LB24, one to sign the work order DF69, three to consult with management and reject both forms as not applicable to maintenance as per regulations. Seventeen to form a fact finding committee to discuss the overuse of LB24,after ten months of debate, there wi...

A coworker just asked me if I was voted most likely to take a joke literally by my high school yearbook committee...

That wasn't even a real superlative. I swear, this guy...

What do you get when you cross a hamster with a polar bear?

A loss of project funding and a stern telling off from the university ethics committee

The Pope Dies and Goes to Heaven

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.


He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eo...

What would you get if you genetically crossed a rabbit and an oyster?

A visit from the ethics committee and your funding taken away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small coastal Australian church gets word the Pope is coming for a visit.

The church committee quickly gets together to discuss arrangements and the topic quickly turns to what food they will serve the Pope.

One of the nuns suggests a serve of fish would be appropriate. The committee agrees and one of the priests is nominated to source a fresh fish.

The pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the flat-chested college senior so well respected?

Because she was the head of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee.
(their influence and power knows no mounds)

Putin: "Russia did not meddle in 2016."

International Olympic Committee: "You certainly won't in 2018."

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee...

The Soviet Union, 1927

A village is celebrating the anniversary of the revolution. The mayor gives s speech.

"We have accompliced so much during the last ten years! Look at Mikhail Pavlovich, before the revolution he was starving and illiterate. Today he is the best tractor driver in the village!"

People che...

A group of Christians are tasked with changing a lightbulb.

The Charismatic changes it easily; his hands are already up.



The Roman Catholic refuses; he prefers candles.



The Pentecostal changes it while his friends pray against the Lord of Darkness.



The Christian Scientist can't, but he prays for the light to turn ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The CIA was looking for new operatives

For the final test only three candidates are left, two men and a woman.

So, for this final test the first man steps in front of the testing committee and is told his final task:

"As an operative for the CIA you will be stationed abroad, you will be in complicated and dangerous situatio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new study finds that women who claim to enjoy giving blowjobs are less likely to be bitches.

In other news, University comes under attack after conducting terrible research. Chairman of the Nobel prize selection committee, James J. Jameyjames made this statement earlier today: "Well, fucking duh."

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

Best All Time Favourite Jokes

A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question:
The mathematician was first. "How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked
"1000" he replied without hesitation.
"Thank you", they d...

Noah's Ark 2.0

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah ...

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.