What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a meeting for the premature ejaculation committee

I didn’t know what to wear... so I just came in my pants

Saudi Arabia is on the UN Human Rights Committee.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A hippoptamus has brought his dissertation to defend before the doctoral committee.

The first professor picks up the dissertation and leafs through it. "Hm, interesting," she says. "Follow me, if you please." She leads the hippo and the rest of the committee out to her car which they pile into and drive to her house. She takes them to her reading room. She sets the papers down on a...

My dad hanged himself recently. We decided to set up a committee in his honour.

However, we thought it would be inappropriate to have a chair.

What do you call a committee of emo kids?

A cutting board

What was the name of the political committee that worked to protect the rights of wine enthusiasts?

The Bacchus Caucus

The House Intelligence Committee

Shoot, I put the punchline in the title again!

Why is Roy Moore’s Strategic Planning Committee headquartered in Disney's Hollywood Hotel?

He likes to keep his staff in something 12 years old.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried donating to the itty-bitty titty committee...

But they don't really need the support

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A committee has narrowed the search for a name for the newly hypothesised 9th planet.

It's between Urpenis and Urvagina.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

The committee came up with a new method to weed out the racists

The committee decided to kick all of the racist people out of its board. So they gathered all the members to a meeting and they presented them a slew of racist jokes. Any member who was caught smiling or laughing was deemed racist and were expelled from the group.

As the jokes got more and mo...

As soon as the inauguration is over, I'm getting a position on Trump's ethics committee.

I'm not political, I just need some quite time alone.

A coworker just asked me if I was voted most likely to take a joke literally by my high school yearbook committee...

That wasn't even a real superlative. I swear, this guy...

When Canada became independent, a committee was formed to find a name for the new country.

The three men that were a part of the committee disagreed on all names brought up so far. Finally, they all decided to just say one letter that they could use to add together to make a name they all agreed on.

The first guy said "C, eh?"

The second guys went "N, eh?"

The last gu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Democratic National Committee.

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

A university committee was selecting a new dean.

They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “...

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot He...

What do you call a group of forgetful congressmen?

An oversight committee

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

Applying for a job

There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The commit...

Saul the Dreamer (An Old Yiddish Joke from Centuries Back)

Here's one that's long, but probably not a repost.


Once upon a time there lived a man whose name was Saul the Dreamer. Saul was a man of roving and adventurous disposition, always ready to travel and explore. One day, an itinerant maggid told him about a far away country where onions w...

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.

He was asked -

Q 1. When did India get Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in ...

What do you get when you cross a baby with an octopus?

An angry letter from the ethics committee and immediate cessation of all funding.

(The joke about the man and the egg reminded me of this).

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

What do you get when you cross a shark and a giraffe?

A stern reprimand from the bioethics committee.

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
...

50 of the LEAST offensive jokes I know

1. What's a pirate's favorite letter? "**Arrrr!**" "No. Ya'd think so, but me first love be the C"
1. Why wasn't 6 excited that 7, her boyfriend, won her a prize at the fair? Because 711492.
1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
1. Why d...

While visiting England, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen...

... He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.


"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."


She phones Sadiq Khan and s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar.

Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, “The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal.”

Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: ...

Putin: "Russia did not meddle in 2016."

International Olympic Committee: "You certainly won't in 2018."

The Pope Dies and Goes to Heaven

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.


He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eo...

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was the flat-chested college senior so well respected?

Because she was the head of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee.
(their influence and power knows no mounds)

What's a Camel?

A horse designed by committee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When Government face financial situation

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Ag...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new study finds that women who claim to enjoy giving blowjobs are less likely to be bitches.

In other news, University comes under attack after conducting terrible research. Chairman of the Nobel prize selection committee, James J. Jameyjames made this statement earlier today: "Well, fucking duh."

In the year 2013, the Lord appeared unto Noah, who was now living in America, and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I bring about unending rain for 4...

Latest news from the FIFA corruption scandal:

Shock announcement from FIFA's Ethics Committee:

"FIFA has an Ethics Committee"

The pains of being a biology student.

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a
specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from,
of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some
insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional sp...

Best All Time Favourite Jokes

A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question:
The mathematician was first. "How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked
"1000" he replied without hesitation.
"Thank you", they d...

TIL that curling used to be coed...

But the decision was made to segregate because the committee felt the female members had an unfair advantage, being naturally better sweepers.

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The CIA was looking for new operatives

For the final test only three candidates are left, two men and a woman.

So, for this final test the first man steps in front of the testing committee and is told his final task:

"As an operative for the CIA you will be stationed abroad, you will be in complicated and dangerous situatio...

Riding A Dead Horse

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include,

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridde...