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Mathematic Jokes

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...

His wife was up waiting for him...

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

Mathematics is 90% common sense,

the other half is intelligence.

Mathematical joke - Why did Sin go to the beach?

Cos he wanted a Tan

What happened to the plant in the Mathematics Faculty?

It grew square roots.

A man won at the Mathematical Olympiad.

When he wanted to claim his prize, the jury made him an offer: "You have two options: Either you get 10,000$ cash right here, right now plus a brand new car. That's your first option!
Or we take a chess board, put one cent on the first field, two cents on the second field and so on and so fo..." ...

A child mathematic walks into a bar

He asks for a root beer in a square cup. He later Sue's the bar for serving alcohol to a child

A Pure Mathematics degree is useless…

I want a Pure Mathematics radian.

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

A professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife...

"My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hote...

A divine mathematical story

After creating the world, the Lord looked at it and he said to the animals "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, please forgive us, we cannot do as you command, for we are adders".

The Lord turned to the trees and said "Fall over and build furniture from y...

My Brother Said Science Is Better Than Mathematics

I Said "Prove It"

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Simple mathematics

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.

I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't ...

Tacos are imaginary -- a mathematical proof

tan = sin / cos (definition of tangent)

ta = i / co (cancel n and s)

taco = i (multiply both sides by co)

Which mathematical phenomenon only uses imaginary numbers?

The Fib-Bonacci Sequence.

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

Most puns make me feel numb. But mathematics puns make me feel....

........number

All the mathematical functions went to a party...

There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself

They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"

To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"

All the mathematical functions are having a party

The polynomials are dancing, the square root function is drinking, yet the exponential function remains to the side.

so the inverse function asks what's wrong.

To which the exponential function responds: whether I integrate or not, nothing will change, now leave.

(courtesy ...

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MATHEMATICAL ANALYSIS OF 100%

What makes life 100%??
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G ...

Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

A squadratic formula, if you will.

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

Mathematics of a relationship

Wise man + Wise woman = Romance

Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair

Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage

Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

What do you call friends who learn mathematics together?

Algebros....

A mathematical limerick

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more.

What is the most beautiful part about Ms. Mathematics?

Ellipse




I apologise, this is my worst one in a while. I nearly killed 3 people.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

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Mathematical joke

The cruise ship is 600 ft long, 150 ft wide, and 140 ft high, but only 110 ft above water.
It has 18 decks, and can accommodate 5860 passengers, holds a crew of 1800 personnel.
There are 18 lifeboats, each can take 150 passengers in case of emergency, also 20 inflatable rafts with maximum capa...

My classmate didn't study for our test in mathematics about probability.

"I'll take my chances", he said.

A mathematical joke of mathematical-ness

**Why can't Atheists solve exponential equations?**



Cause they don't believe in a higher power.

I'll name my son Mathematics.

Then I will be the Father of Mathematics. Get out of here, Pythagoras.

What do you call erotic mathematics?

Sin X

What do you call a mathematical snake?

A π-thon.

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A man is standing with a Shiba Inu with a sign that says "Amazing Mathematical Dog!"

Skeptical, a passerby asks, "What makes your dog so mathematical?"

"Just watch this!" replies the man smugly. "Koro, what's three minus two?"

"Wan!" barks the dog, as all Japanese dogs do.

"What's four plus seven?"

"Wan wan!" barks the dog.

"See? One one! Eleven! K...

What is the mathematical function condemned by church?

It's sin.

55% of the people do not understand mathematics.

It's good that I'm one of the other 55% who understand it.

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Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.

He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"

But the cows keep shuffling in.

Because they don't understand English.

I just finished watching a mediocre documentary on mathematical functions.

The plot was predictable and the special f(x) was terrible.

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Why is it called discrete mathematics?

Because it let's you figure out how many N dead bodies will fit into K cars.

Shits discrete.

The complex mathematics of the bus driver

Imagine yourself being a bus driver.

At stop number 1, you get 10 passengers.

At stop number 2, you get 3 passengers.

At stop number 3, 4 passengers get off, 2 male 1 female.

At stop number 4, 11 passengers got on.

At stop number 5, 6 passengers get off, 2 kids, 4...

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

An Old But Gold Mathematical Joke

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with ...

An infinite amount of mathematics walks to the bar.

First orders 1 beer. Second orders half of beer. Third orders 1/4 of beer. Another orders 1/8 of beer. It goes on for a while and than bartender says: "guys you're really idiots." And bring them 2 beers.

At a Mathematical Functions party...

... 2^x and 3^x notice that their friend e^x is standing alone in a corner looking kinda sad. They decide to approach him and try to convince him to have a little fun with the other Functions, but he refuses.
So 2^x asks him:

"Come on man try to have some fun, integrate!"

To which ...

What’s the most mathematical aspect of summer?

The tan lines

How do you say thank you in mathematics?

Sin(Q)/Cos(Q)

Mathematically speaking..

The average person is mean. :-)

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...


Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...

I just invented a mathematical equation to solve climate change!

It’s an Al Gore ithm.

You being born is mathematically called a...

Spermutation.

Logan in mathematics...

loga+logn = logan

A hunter and two mathematics professors go duck hunting.

The hunter lets the professors have the first shot, and they both try to shoot the same duck.

The first professor shoots and misses by 25 metres to the right.

The second shoots and misses as well, by 25 metres to the left, then turns and high fives the first professor.

The hunte...

What is ISIS's favorite mathematical operation?

Square Root.
Anything it is applied to becomes radicalized.

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What is a beaver’s favorite mathematical function?

No, not log, it’s a fucking beaver you dipshit. They don’t understand math

I've solved every single mathematical problem!

I have nothing more to add

Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations?

They can cube the number 2.

If you are having trouble unlocking your front door, take out your wallet and arrange all the bills in mathematical order.

Because organizing your finances is key.

My mathematical friend came over one day.

They asked if I had any beer. I said no, but I have some root beer and square glasses to drink from.

A village of mathematical functions is slumbering

when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential op...

They asked me if I have a degree in theoretical mathematics.

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

Two mathematics professors are sitting in a restaurant.

The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..."

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they ...

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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

A study done by me shows that 74% of people are bad at mathematics.

Fortunately, I'm in the remaining 34%.

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I once knew a Mathematics Professor...

She was a cute, sexy teacher. I called her Miss Cosnπ and man, did she have curves!

What's the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Unreal numbers are the easiest part of advanced mathematics.

The struggle is real.

An infinite number of mathematics walk into a bar...

The bartender asked what they want. The first says a pint, the next says half a pint, next says a 1/4th a pint, next says an 1/8th a pint and so on until the bartender gets tired of hearing what they want. He pours two pints and says "Y'all need to learn your limits."

What are Muslim men's favorite mathematical equation?

Inequalities

What is a stoner's favorite mathematical term/status?

Hypotenuse.

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Why can't Trump supporters ever get into higher levels of mathematics?

Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration.

(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

What do you call a Mathematical song that could save the environment?

An Al-Gore-Rhythm.

Why does everyone choose 'x' as the go-to alphabet in mathematics ?

Duh, Because its easy to x-plane





*Fckin kill me already*

There were two nuns;

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away
from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight and
a half minutes? I won...

I like my men like I like mathematics.

Hard.

What does a mathematical mermaid wear when she can't find her seashells?

An algebra.

A Physicist, a Mathematics Professor, and a Statistician go out on a hunting trip.

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

A lawyer was confused and hassled with mathematics of a case...

... So he asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything."

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I wrote "Syria" on the front of my mathematics final...

Because I bombed the living fuck outta that.

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There is a mathematical theory for good sex

The heat of the meat is directly proportional to angle of the dangle given that the mass of the ass is constant.

What do you call a machine used to predict the answer of a mathematical question before it has been proposed?

A calcuearlier

When I first realised that the two most fundamental mathematics constants spell pie I nearly died

Couldn't find my epi pen

did you hear about the mathematics whiz who was afraid of negative numbers?

his phobia was so bad that he will stop at nothing to avoid them.

dedicated to my special friend blader2601.

Two mathematicians were having lunch at a diner and got into a rousing discussion about the state of mathematics education in the US.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

Why didn't set theory become a branch of mathematics until the mid 1800's?

Before then, the only legal union was between man and woman.

I had problems when I was 34 and I really didn’t feel anything. Then I found mathematics.

It just made me feel number and number.

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"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"

Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

Mathematics works in mysterious ways...[possibly a joke just for UK redditors]

2x2= 4

1x1= 1

0x0= a small brown cube you put in a casserole.

3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

My PhD student claims to have made a breakthrough in hyperbolic mathematics

Turns out he was just exaggerating

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