Don’t drink beer while solving Calculus homework

You shouldn’t drink and derive

Why is the south bad at calculus?

They don't know how to integrate.

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Two Calculus Professors Are Grabbing Dinner Together

Two calculus professors are grabbing dinner together.

The first one says to the other: “Why do we teach our students calculus? They just cram it for the tests then forget it.”

The second professor says: “They don’t forget it after the final I’ll prove it to you. The next time the wai...

How does Donald Trump do calculus integration?

He makes sure to grab it by the +c

Ever since I failed Calculus I can’t go into the woods

There’s too many natural logs for my liking

A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's ligh...

I got arrested for doing calculus drunk.

The officer told me to never drink and derive.

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

Don’t date a calculus teacher

They’re gonna replace u

Baby you make me wish I was good at calculus.

Cauz they ain't no limit to how much I want to define the area under your curves.

I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

I couldn’t differentiate between them.

Why are pirates the best at calculus?

Because a true pirate never forgets the C .

What do you call a group of 8th grade boys arguing about calculus?

Math debaters

I had a really good discussion with my calculus professor today

but after a while, it started going off on a really weird tangent.

I hate calculus...

I sometime wonder why I thought I should SINE up for this.

What do you call recycled calculus jokes?

Derivative humor.

Apparently Newton wasn't the first to invent calculus, it was Leibniz.

So Newton's work was merely derivative

Drinking alcohol is like calculus.

You have to know your limits.

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!

When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

Why did the calculus teacher lose his license.

Drinking and deriving

My whole family bonded over math. Calculus was our religion. Except my grandfather...

...he was against integration.

Credit: Matthew Broussard

Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.

Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.

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Calculus pick up line

F'- Can I be your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves?
F''- Can I be your second derivative so I can test out your concavities?
F'''- Can I be your third derivative so I can jerk to you?
F''''- Can I be your fourth derivative so I can snap your neck?

I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus, I'll even push through trigonometry...

but graphing is where I draw the line!

I knew calculus would kill me some day

... I should have seen the warning sines.

My sister is taking pre-calculus this semester.

One of her homework problems was assigned to page 45 in the textbook, but she couldn't find the problem. I suggested, "Maybe you have the Chinese edition of the book." She goes, "The Chinese edition?"

Y'know, the Wong one.

In high school math class ...

I owned a car and I was good at calculus. They made me the "designated deriver".

Someone told me they didn't like calculus

I told them their opinion would change over time.

A man brags before his friend : "I'm very fast at calculus !"

So his friend, curious now, asks :

\- 72043 divided by 17 ?

The man immediately replies :

\- 6.

\- But... that's wrong!

\- Yep. But it's fast!

Calculus jokes

should be an integral part of this sub

why do white supremacists hate calculus?

It really pushed their *limits* on *integration*

Where do calculus students go when they are sick?

To L'Hopital.

Calculus Joke

Two professors are at a restaurant, arguing about the state of education today. "Nobody learns calculus anymore," lamented the first. "That's not true," replied the second, "it's part of the freshman curriculum."

"Okay, I'll tell you what," offered the first professor, "we'll ask the waitre...

A calculus professor enters a bar, and is arrested an hour later...

Apparently he was drinking and deriving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Calculus and my Dick have in common?

They're both hard for you

When writing your calculus exam, make sure you don't sit between twins.

Because you might not be able to differentiate between them.

You can't solve every problem with calculus

It has its limits

Why do Americans suck at calculus?

White people have never been good at integration.

Our school should start a calculus club

We would all derive fun from it

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Calculus

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well
liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how mu...

A group of people were hospitalised after a calculus midterm.

The cops said they were drinking and deriving.

When Gottfried Leibniz passed away, he was buried in his hometown

Some time after his death, the local townspeople found him sitting upright in his grave, furiously rubbing out page after page of calculus.
At first they were alarmed by the sight, but then they realised... he was only disintegrating.

Why did the Klansmen fail calculus?

Because they hated integration so much.

They said calculus would be integral to my education

I found it a little derivative.

As an IT student who failed calculus twice....

... to this day I have Vieta flashbacks.

Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Because everyone there hates integration.

Why are the southern states so bad at calculus?

Because they have trouble whenever they try integration.

A Calculus joke

Verbatim from what my professor just showed in one of my engineering classes:

e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way. He starts to run away, and e^x asks "Why are you running away?" The constant answers, "That's...

How do you use calculus in real life?

You integrate it

I was sitting in calculus class, and the teacher asked us how we can ideally take the derivative of a logarithm...

I said," I like my logarithms like my women, all natural".

ln(x) is hosting a calculus party....

and all the functions are invited. Some of them are radical, at least 1/3 of them are rational, and like all parties, there are a few odd ones talking to their imaginary friends. Amidst all of this revelry, ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.
...

What kind of calculus do frogs use?

Der - ribbit - tives

Got pulled over while doing calculus in my car last night

Cop said I was deriving over the limit.

I didn't fail my calculus test....

I just gave "alternative" answers on a few problems.

Did you know that people who dislike calculus are typically racists?

They hate integration.

How did Isaac Newton formalize calculus?

He went out on a lim.

Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to s...

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A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it bac...

TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's.

Apparently they opposed integration.

I just saved 15% or more on my Calculus test...

by switching to radians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst advice calculus can give you?

Integral of e^x because that's Se^x dx and it's never a good idea to sex the ex!

Why did the hippy teach the lumberjack calculus?

So he'd use natural logs!

Calculus joke...

Two college professors are having lunch at a local diner.

John (a math professor) says "you know, it really is sad how very little the general population understands higher math."

Bill (a physics professor) responds "There you go again with your holier-than-thou attitude, I'm sure more...

Did you know that calculus was never taught in southern schools before the 1960s?

They didn't believe in integration.

Calculus Joke

Courtesy of my math professor:

Two mathematicians go to a bar after a rigorous day of number crunching. After a few drinks, the first mathematician begins to lament the current state of the general public's mathematical knowledge.

"People just don't know their calculus anymore!"
...

How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?

Calculator!

Calculus Joke

A mathematician goes a little wacky in the brain, so they put him in a Psychiatric Ward. While there, he realizes he can have a little bit of fun with the other patients. He walks up to one patient and says "Hey, get out of my face before I differentiate you!" Terrified, the mental patient runs away...

A student calls his college to enrol in a calculus course...

A student calls his college and says "I want to take calculus, but the system won't let me enrol". The woman on the other line looks at his record and says: "it looks like you're already taking a full course load! don't you know what the limit is?", to which he replies:

"That's what I'm tryi...

Some people are sceptical of migrants because they think they don't embrace their new country's culture

But I teach calculus to international students at my local university, and they all integrate really well.

[Calculus Joke] Why didn't the derivative of sec(x) go to the beach?

Because secant tan

Father in law just made an accidental calculus joke

By the time I got to calculus in math, I realized I had reached my limit.

Trump says Muslims don't integrate.

He should have them take Calculus tests instead of Citizenship tests.

A calculus joke...

Person 1: What's the integral of 1/cabin with respect to cabin?

Person 2: A log cabin!

Person 1: No, a houseboat. You forgot to add the C!!

Two calculus professors get together

for lunch at a diner near campus.

"What really frustrates me about our profession," says the first, "is that the average student, not to mention member of the general public, doesn't know the first thing about mathematics beyond the four basic operations, *if that*."

"Well, now I'm not...

A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

This was deemed "pretty bad" by my friends...

I'm not really good at writing stories so bear with me.

Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB.

"Calculus is a very rigor...

Why did the KKK member fail his calculus class?

Because he didn't believe in integration.

Math joke

My Calculus teacher told me:"Degrees are essentially useless in this class, we will use radians instead."
I replied:"Is that why you're teaching Calculus?"

Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?"
The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician...

Have you heard about the calculus professor who tried some bad amphetamines and ended up believing he was a moth?

It’s the old meth math moth myth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.

"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.

"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he re...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

What happens when a calculus teacher with one arm can't figure out a proof?

He gets stumped.

My teacher took off points when I spilled my juice on my Calculus homework...

... Apparently, I shouldn't drink and derive.

A Russian scientist creates a robot...

The robot can clean, cook, do calculus, balance a budget, play music, and so much more.
The scientist holds a conference to announce the robot and announces that it will be released publicly for all the world to enjoy. The robot is branded with the name "Gudynuv" and is soon mass produced and s...

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My Friend, Ving.

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ornithology

This joke was told to me by an older man that is a retired engineer.

>Back in the 60's when I was in engineering school, I needed an easy filler class. I was already loaded down with calculus, physics, and engineering classes, so when I saw Ornithology, I decided to sign up. It only met 1 ...

Two mathematics professors are sitting in a restaurant.

The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..."

The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they ...

Did you hear about the math teacher...

...who used a ladder to solve a calculus problem written at the very top of his blackboard?

He really rose to the equation.

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