Calculus Jokes

Why is the south bad at calculus?

They don't know how to integrate.

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

I got arrested for doing calculus drunk.

The officer told me to never drink and derive.

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

How does Donald Trump do calculus integration?

He makes sure to grab it by the +c

Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away?

He was viewing graphic material

Calculus has a steep learning curve...

But at least you know exactly how steep the learning curve is!

ln(x) is hosting a calculus party....

and all the functions are invited. Some of them are radical, at least 1/3 of them are rational, and like all parties, there are a few odd ones talking to their imaginary friends. Amidst all of this revelry, ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.
...

Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

I hate calculus...

I sometime wonder why I thought I should SINE up for this.

Someone told me they didn't like calculus

I told them their opinion would change over time.

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Calculus

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well
liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how mu...

Drinking alcohol is like calculus.

You have to know your limits.

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Two Calculus Professors Are Grabbing Dinner Together

Two calculus professors are grabbing dinner together.

The first one says to the other: “Why do we teach our students calculus? They just cram it for the tests then forget it.”

The second professor says: “They don’t forget it after the final I’ll prove it to you. The next time the wai...

Don’t date a calculus teacher

They’re gonna replace u

Why are pirates the best at calculus?

Because a true pirate never forgets the C .

What do you call recycled calculus jokes?

Derivative humor.

Man I really hate calculus.

It just derives me crazy

A Calculus joke

Verbatim from what my professor just showed in one of my engineering classes:

e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way. He starts to run away, and e^x asks "Why are you running away?" The constant answers, "That's...

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus…

…but geometry is where I draw the line.

Calculus Joke

Two professors are at a restaurant, arguing about the state of education today. "Nobody learns calculus anymore," lamented the first. "That's not true," replied the second, "it's part of the freshman curriculum."

"Okay, I'll tell you what," offered the first professor, "we'll ask the waitre...

A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's ligh...

Newton: I've discovered calculus(1664).

Leibneiz: I've discovered calculus(1670s) Newton: Really? Seems derivative.

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Calculus pick up line

F'- Can I be your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves?
F''- Can I be your second derivative so I can test out your concavities?
F'''- Can I be your third derivative so I can jerk to you?
F''''- Can I be your fourth derivative so I can snap your neck?

Why don't calculus majors throw house parties?

Because you should never drink and derive.

Have you read the new calculus novel?

I thought it was pretty derivative.

You can't solve every problem with calculus

It has its limits

Calculus joke...

Two college professors are having lunch at a local diner.

John (a math professor) says "you know, it really is sad how very little the general population understands higher math."

Bill (a physics professor) responds "There you go again with your holier-than-thou attitude, I'm sure more...

Why did Newton invent calculus?

He wanted to test his limits.

How did Isaac Newton formalize calculus?

He went out on a lim.

Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?

It's illegal to drink and derive.

I failed Calculus when we reached differentials...

I guess I should have known my limits. I could barely derive anything from what the teacher taught us.

Why are Redditors good at calculus?

Because everything on this site is a derivative.

Calculus walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a pint. The barman notices him scribbling some notes on a napkin and asks what he's writing.

Calculus replies, "Oh this... I'm just working on a new formula..."

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave." says the barman, "I can't let you drink and...

A completely new joke about calculus.

Never mind, actually it's just derivative.

Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Because everyone there hates integration.

A calculus joke...

Person 1: What's the integral of 1/cabin with respect to cabin?

Person 2: A log cabin!

Person 1: No, a houseboat. You forgot to add the C!!

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A calculus pun for you math people

A calculus professor explains an example problem to her class.

"To do this, you need to find the initial position of the object."

A confused student asks, "y?"

"y₀," says the professor.

Mike Tyson just received a graduate level certification in advanced calculus.

He calls it his Mathsters Degree.

My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only...

...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.

What kind of calculus do frogs use?

Der - ribbit - tives

[Calculus Joke] Why didn't the derivative of sec(x) go to the beach?

Because secant tan

should be an integral part of this sub

Why don't calculus teachers go to bars?

Because they don't want to drink and derive.

What did the calculus professor say when he saw his students at the bar?

Don't drink and derive.

Why did the Klansmen fail calculus?

Because they hated integration so much.

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Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class...

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though t...

Calculus Joke

A mathematician goes a little wacky in the brain, so they put him in a Psychiatric Ward. While there, he realizes he can have a little bit of fun with the other patients. He walks up to one patient and says "Hey, get out of my face before I differentiate you!" Terrified, the mental patient runs away...

I knew calculus would kill me some day

... I should have seen the warning sines.

Have you heard about the calculus professor who tried some bad amphetamines and ended up believing he was a moth?

It’s the old meth math moth myth.

Why did the hippy teach the lumberjack calculus?

So he'd use natural logs!

Why do rednecks fail calculus?

Because they are really bad at integrating.

A calculus joke:

A 120 pound camera sits atop a tripod. How much force does each leg hold?

Whoops. Meant to type 130. Forgot that the camera adds 10 pounds.

I'll do Algebra, I'll do Trigonometry. Hell, I'll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!
Actually, graphing is fine, but calculus is my limit.

Why do calculus teachers hate the Final Fantasy games?

The characters keep breaking their limits.

Got pulled over while doing calculus in my car last night

Cop said I was deriving over the limit.

Our school should start a calculus club

We would all derive fun from it

How do you use calculus in real life?

You integrate it

What is it called when Fergy argues with his calculus teacher?

Plus C vs. Ferguson

Why did the calculus teacher lose his license.

Drinking and deriving

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!

I didn't fail my calculus test....

I just gave "alternative" answers on a few problems.

Father in law just made an accidental calculus joke

By the time I got to calculus in math, I realized I had reached my limit.

What happens when a calculus teacher with one arm can't figure out a proof?

He gets stumped.

There are many problems with math puns.

Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

How to stay in class

A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day. Our calculus instructor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus," the student says. "If she wasn't so drop-dead gorgeous I would have dropped the class already." "So I guess you could says she's easy on the ...

What do you call a wizard who is good at calculus?

A mathemagician

Why are the southern states so bad at calculus?

Because they have trouble whenever they try integration.

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine...

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A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it bac...

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What's the worst advice calculus can give you?

Integral of e^x because that's Se^x dx and it's never a good idea to sex the ex!

I’m Celebrating my birthday with many!

many calculus books…my exam is tomorrow

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.

"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

A friend of mine thinks that Isaac Newton is joke and was never born.

I told him that Newton was very important for inventing the laws of motion and calculus (which I wish he never had). He still didn't get how important he is in history. I guess he didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Two mathematicians were having lunch at a diner and got into a rousing discussion about the state of mathematics education in the US.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?"
The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician...

I suppose we should have seen the Newton-Leibniz conflict coming.

Calculus has always been derivative

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why did newton die a virgin

Because he wasn't integrals (into girls) (he invented calculus)

As an IT student who failed calculus twice....

... to this day I have Vieta flashbacks.

Why don’t dentists like math?

They don’t like calculus.

I once knew a guy with teeth so bad

His calculus had advanced to trigonometry.

There was a young man weeping

The man was sitting at a library table

A young lady approached him and asked what was wrong

He replied “It’s complicated”

And showed his calculus homework

Yo mama so fat

Calculus still ain't been able to define the area under her curves

I was so busy with maths homework that I didn't brush my teeth for a week

The calculus had built up, and it was starting to get quite hard.

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So there's a terrible student...

This student comes to class only a quarter of the time, never turns in homework, never speaks in class or participates in group exercises, etc. However, he always does well on exams and quizzes, even when it seems like he hasn't studied at all. The strangest thing is that every time there's an exam,...

What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?

Calculus homework.

Some people are sceptical of migrants because they think they don't embrace their new country's culture

But I teach calculus to international students at my local university, and they all integrate really well.

Math joke

My Calculus teacher told me:"Degrees are essentially useless in this class, we will use radians instead."
I replied:"Is that why you're teaching Calculus?"

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Ornithology

This joke was told to me by an older man that is a retired engineer.

>Back in the 60's when I was in engineering school, I needed an easy filler class. I was already loaded down with calculus, physics, and engineering classes, so when I saw Ornithology, I decided to sign up. It only met 1 ...

A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

What's a dentist's favorite subject?

Calculus.

In high school math class ...

I owned a car and I was good at calculus. They made me the "designated deriver".

Why do Americans suck at calculus?

White people have never been good at integration.

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