UPJOKE
behaviordemeanourtemperamentattitudetonedeportmentconductbehaviourstoicswaggerbrashmoodcandorbravadosmile

Demeanor Jokes

As I helped my friend with some speaker equipment, he asked "Will this make a sound if I unplug it?" I smiled as a wave of nostalgia hit me square in the heart. "What's up?" my friend asked, noticing my change in demeanor.

"That's the last thing I said to my grandma."

A man walks into a pub, and requests a pint of Guinness

A man walks into a pub, and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".

Confused by this he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing;

"I can't give you a pint of ...

The devil is surprised one day to find a habitual liar, a pervert, an idiot and a man in a wheelchair entering hell.

Still, he keeps his professional demeanor and extends a warm welcome saying, "Greetings, Representative Cawthorn. You're just in time, the daily GOP cocaine orgy is just beginning."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daffynitions

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Ne...

A frog walks into a bank

A frog wearing a business suit walks into a bank and goes to stand in line to wait for a teller.

When it is his turn, he approaches the bank teller, whose name is Patricia Whack (don't laugh), and says "Hello, Miss, my name is Kermit Jagger, and I would like to take out a loan."

Miss W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An innocent man is given a life sentence. (NSFWish)

The guards take him to his cell, where he finds out that his bunkmate is about twice his size, with a mean mug and a menacing demeanor. As the innocent man is settling in, the inmate says, "Alright, since I'm feeling generous today, I'm gonna give you the option. You wanna be the wife or the husband...

The Farmer's Mirror

An old farmer was in at the market and saw a very nicely framed mirror. Having never seen such a thing in his life, he was completely enamored with it and had to purchase it.
After he had, he felt foolish for spending such a large sum for it and hid it in the hay loft. Everyday he would sneak ou...

Make Love To Me

A woman is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me, this very moment." His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives her his all, right ther...

Or else!

Timmy was a soft spoken mell-mannered lad and he was soon to be married to Jane. His mates were worried that, with his mild nature, he'd end up being dominated by his new spouse and had a plan to "show her who's the boss". Obviously Timmy thought that would be an appalling idea but finally gave in.<...

A man walks into a pet store

He walks up to the clerk and says "I'm looking for a dog" the clerk says "Okay what kind of demeanor are you looking for" the man says "I'm looking for a guard dog demeanor the better"

After a burglary a store owner calls the police

After a burglary a store owner calls the police. After they arrive one officer takes the owner aside to ask about what happened:

"How tall was the perp'", the officer asked.
"He was about six foot", the owner replied.

"Did he have any distinguishing characteristics?"
"Well, he di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Small Man Goes Into A Bar

He goes up to the massive barman and orders a pint and a whiskey. He drinks the pint in one go and pours the whiskey into his top pocket.


"Same again, barman"


And he downs the pint and pours the whiskey into his top pocket.


This goes on for the next hour until he's h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.

He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.

“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”

“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled

A couple of weeks later...

Yesterday, I saw a man standing all alone.

Even though he was turned away from me, I sensed something in his demeanor that suggested he could use some help. So being considerate, I approached him, placing a hand on his shoulder and asking " Do you mind if I join you? "

He certainly left the urinal in a hurry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Late one night in the Adams family household Cousin Itt was feeling horny.

His mind could not stop thinking about how earlier that day he'd seen Morticia lounging by the pool. Her pale goth flesh, pert breasts and slender hips were too much for him to take so with a flourish he did the deed and in doing so shotgunned his seed all over his fur. I will clean it in the morn...

The Weiner

There once was a Congressman named Weiner,

Who had a perverted demeanor.

He was forced from the Hill for acting like Bill.

Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.



Moral: tweet your meat, lose your seat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

Guy walks into a bar and is in despair....

He sits down and asks for 6 top shelf whiskey shots all lined up....


The bartender pours them all out and the guy quickly shoots them one by one.


He asks for 6 more and the bartender obliged. As he's pouring the next 6 shots he gently asks the guy if he's ok.


The ma...

Ghandi is my role model

Everyone knows about Gandhi. Pacifist, role model of MLK, and arguably the most important man in the movement of Indian independence. Of course, aside from his upstanding character, he did have a multitude of physical flaws. As an Indian peasant, he rarely wore shoes because he was too poor to affor...

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde Research Study

An American research firm is tasked with conducting a study to determine if blonde women truly are less intelligent than everyone else. To do this, they host a convention for blonde women at an airport Hilton. At the orientation meeting, the chief researcher greets the crowd in a large banquet room....

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a diminutive, mousy-looking elderly man in a pub, quietly staring into his glass.

He has sad, sad eyes and a generally upset demeanor.

The door of the pub is slammed open and a lorry driver charges in. He roars up to the bar counter, orders four pints of the strongest beer the bartender has, and drops heavily down upon one of the bar stools.

As he drains his beers, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fella working at a Sherwin-Williams store has a particularly challenging customer one day.

It's a Saturday morning, so the shop is pretty busy; there's quite the line of people needing paint mixed up. This lady's completely out of place; dressed to the nines, talk-to-the-manager haircut, the works. She hands our man Joe a tiny paint chip and says, "I need this exact color. It has to be pe...

The Parrot Joke.

!Okay, so, this single fellow in his mid forties has a parrot. He just recently acquired his new feathered friend at the local aviary. However recently the creature has been acting strange. It swears endlessly all day. The man does not swear around the bird and can't understand where it picked u...

Three strings are going out drinking...

But sadly, they live in a world where strings aren't allowed to drink. They are tired of this lifestyle, however, and they want to have their drinks no matter what, so they head out to the local bars. At the first bar they come to, they try to be straight up about it. The strings walk up to the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The last joke my grandma told me

Note: My grandmother used to call me up once a week and tell me the latest joke that she had picked up from who knows where. She passed away earlier this year and I cannot begin to say how much I miss her jokes. This one was the last one that she ever told me. It wasn't the funniest by itself bu...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.