UPJOKE
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A construction foreman hired a new guy and started getting complaints about him almost immediately...

He pulls the new hire into his office and asks him why he keeps trying to unzip everyone's pants. The new guys says "That's what you hired me for!" The forman says "I said I needed a jack "OF" all trades!"

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of s...

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Bob is the owner of a sawmill. He's away on vacation when he gets a call from his Foreman, Charlie....

"Bob," says Charlie, "Bad news. Carl had an accident. Poor bastard sawed his leg off.

Bob gasps. "That's terrible! Is he ok?"

"Oh he's fine!" Charlie reassures him. "We put his leg in a plastic bag, rushed him to the ER, they sewed it right back on , and he'll be back first thing in t...

A foreman of a factory was making his rounds inspecting how all of the workers were doing their jobs.

“Well," he said to one blond worker, "I see you are doing a very diligent job stamping all of the boxes 'THIS SIDE UP'."

"Yes," the worker replied, eager to please, "and just to be extra sure I stamped the bottom also!"

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.

He even used the name when he had a little grill.

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

“Just hit my hand as hard as you can”

Two workers were digging underground at a construction site . It was really a tiring job.

Worker A: “Why the hell we need to do all the hard job here for only a meager pay, while that arrogant foreman just sits there sipping the tea so comfy, and pockets much more than us?”

Worker B, ...

An Irishman goes for a labouring job on a building site

The foreman thinks to himself "I'll catch this thick paddy out" and asks the Irishman "what's the difference between a joist and a girder?"

The Irishman thinks for a second and replies "well, you see sir, Joyce wrote Ulysses while Goethe wrote Faust".



\>note, this works best...

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A Newfoundlander shows up for a job interview in the middle of Alberta.

The foreman can tell right away by how he talks and thinks to himself, "Oh no, I don't want to hire a Newfoundlander.." so he comes up with an idea on the spot;

"Before I hire you, I want to see if you can pass a quick cognitive test. I'll give you a pen and paper, and you try to abstractly d...

A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.

The secretary says, “ I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.”

The lumberjack replies, “I actually cut down 237 trees.”

”Are you sure?”, says the secretary, “Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.”

“Sure, I’m sure,” replies the lumberjack. “I kept a log”.

The Irish Stevedore

A diminutive native of Ireland applied at the wharf for work as a stevedore. He was only about five feet in height, and the foreman was dubious.

“We’re loading 300-pound anvils onto that boat, and a little chap like you couldn’t handle them,” he said. “Try me, “ answered Pat.
So the fore...

For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill.

Both boxed.

Two mechanics are starting a long work day at the shop. [Long]

Mike: "I ain't feeling like working today."

Sam: "Yeah, me neither."

Mike: "Think I'm gonna head on home."

Sam: "Yeah and get fired."

Mike: "Naw man. Watch this."

Mike: *Proceeds to climb up the tire rack, up to rafters where he hangs upside down by his legs, wit...

A rookie carpenter is on his first day of a new job...

The foreman greets him at the job site and tells him his first task will be to nail some sheathing on a roof. The rookie grabs a hammer and nails and gets to work.

The foreman watches the rookie work for a while, and when he's finished he calls him over. The foreman says, "I think your nickna...

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A guy gets a job on a construction site. On his first morning, the foreman is showing him around...

... when one of the workers there puts his tools down, hops up on a cinder block, and shouts out, "73!" All the other workers laugh uproariously.

A few minutes later, another worker goes over to the cinder block and shouts out, "12!" Again, everyone laughs. Puzzled, the new guy asks the fore...

I got a new job at a quarry today, and the foreman was showing me around when

I saw this huge rock. I told him, "Wow! That's a really big rock!"
"Boulder." He says.
**"WOW!!!! THATS A REALLY MASSIVE ROCK,"** I say while puffing my chest out.

Three construction workers dig up a strange old lamp at a job site

A genie pops out and says, "Since you three found me at the same time, I will grant each of you one wish!"

The first worker blurts out, "I want to live in a mansion on my own private island!" and POOF! he's gone, now laying back in a chaise longue in the Cayman Islands.

The second work...

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Foreman Problems

A foreman was at the base of a building being constructed and could not locate his trusty hammer. He spots a worker a few floors up and yells to him "Hey could you toss me down a hammer?" The worker apparently couldn't hear what was yelled and he yelled back "What?"
Again the foreman yells "Toss...

A foreman working on a construction site walks up to his only workers for the day...

They were an Irishman, Englishman and a Chinese.

The foreman walks up to the Irishman and tells him:

"I will be going out for a few hours to do some paperwork. In the meantime I want you to shovel this pile of gravel into the truck so it can be taken away when I get back."

He t...

A bunch of Russian labourers are building a fence

and one of them goes to the foreman and says "Foreman, I have a problem. I just opened this packet of nails and all the heads are on the wrong end."

"Idiot!" yells the foreman. "Those nails are for the other side of the fence!"

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Nun walks over to a construction site foreman

There was a construction site next to a convent. Mother superior walks over and asked to speak with the foreman. Mother superior told the foreman that the men have been talking extremely vulgar and the other nuns are hearing this type of language. The foreman replies by explaining to mother superior...

A construction worker goes to the foreman and says "Sir, there's something wrong with the wheelbarrow"

The foreman says "What do you mean?" and the worker says "Well, when I push it, it goes 'Squeak... *squeak*... Squeak... *squeak*... Squeak... *squeak*... Squeak... *squeak*... ' "

The foreman says "You're fired!" and the worker says "What for?"

"Because," says the foreman, "it shoul...

"Hi, My name is John Foreman and I run a cabinet making business."

John said counter-productively.

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

A dog is looking for work...

He stumbles across an open construction site with a hiring sign.

The dog goes to the foreman and says he's willing to work and can start immediately. The foreman asks the dog if he has any experience with carpentry and construction.

The dog replies, "Some; I've got a lot of experienc...

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot...

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2 Irishman apply for a job...

2 Irishman apply for a job on a building site, the foreman calls the first one into his office for an interview and straight away, the Irishman notices he looks rather funny.

The foreman does not have ears where they are supposed to be, instead, protruding from his forehead is a gigantic ear,...

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Two guys are working a roofing job for a high rise condo

One guy is on the roof and the other is on the ground

The foreman on the roof realizes he forgot to grab his hand saw, so he goes to the edge to yell to his partner to bring it up.

"Hey! I need my hand saw!"

His partner cups his ear as if he didn't understand.

"**I NEED ...

NSFW construction joke

A young construction laborer who was hired to be be a cut-man gets a little too comfortable with a worm-drive saw and one day he manages to castrate himself. After months of physical recovery, he sets out to try to find a new job. One day he meets with a foreman of a large construction site close ...

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Skipping First Grade

in 1970, a kindergartner was talking to his mother (the principal) and his father (a foreman at a local oil refinery) and proudly proclaimed that he was too smart for first grade and should be advanced into second grade in the next school year. The mother thought about this for a while and decided ...

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Boudreaux and the foreman

Here is a nice corny oke im sure has been posted before

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Cajun says...

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

I was sacked from a packing factory.

I had a big roll of bubble wrap and I said to the foreman "Boss, what shall I do with this?" He said "Just pop it over there in the corner". Took me all bloody day.

The Road Crew

A county road crew got their work assignment one morning to go patch some potholes.
They arrived at the assigned location and when they went to get their stuff out of the back of the pickup they realized they had a problem. The team leader got on the radio and called the supervisor and said, “Bos...

Halley's Comet

From: General Manager


To: Departmental Heads


On Friday evening at 5 p.m., Halley's Comet will be visible in this area-an event which occurs only once every 76 years. Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside the building and I will explain this rare phen...

Three men applied to put up telephone poles.

The foreman sent them each out with a truck and 20 poles, telling them to come back after 8 hours.

The first man returns and says "I put up 12 poles."

The second man returns and says "I put up 15 poles."

The third man returns and says "I put up 3 poles."

"Three?" asks the...

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Another man accepts a job in a village with no women...

He asked his foreman "what do you do without any women here?"

The foreman replies "there's a barrel with a knothole in the side. Stick your dick in it and you'll be able to get off".

The new recruit is surprised but eventually gets horny enough to give it a try. He is amazed: it feels ...

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chan...

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A

black man starts work on a construction site. The other workers nickname him "Wog".

Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got Mick and Paddy, they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Sco...

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts, “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Pa...

A construction worker walks into a bar.

After getting thoroughly wasted, he has to be carted away in an ambulance.

A month later, his immediate supervisor walks into the same bar. After he also gets thoroughly wasted, he also has to be carted away in an ambulance.

A month later, the construction foreman walks into the very s...

Edumacation is important

Two guys are digging a hole in the blistering heat, while their foreman is sitting 20 ft away under a tree, in the shade.

One of the guys turns to the other and says “hey, why are we out here digging these holes and doing all the work all day, while he gets to just sit there in the shade and...

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

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A Newfie Applies for a Job.

A foreman at a construction site in Ontario is screening new applicants.

In walks a man with an odd demeanor and accent and says, "I'm after gettin this job here, I've be's findin yer ad!" and the foreman, stunned for a moment, thinks in his head 'Oh no, it's a Newfoundlander..' and while giv...

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Workers are building a brutally tall chimney...

When they are almost finished, a foreman runs to them short of breath and shouts:

We are in deep shit guys, someone turned over my construction plans...

We were supposed to dig a well!!!

A young man arrives at a logging camp in northern Canada

He is there for the next nine months. The foreman shows him around, where he will eat, where he will sleep, the bathroom, etc... the young man asks half jokingly “What do ya’ll do when you get the urges? Ya know, there aren’t any women here...” the foreman smiles and points at a large barrel sitting...

An Englishman, an Irish man and a Scotsman walked into a bar.

They weren't badly bruised but the building site foreman had to fill out an H&S incident form.

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A joke about logs

So the foreman tells the lumberjack to go do some logging. The lumberjack leaves and comes back 6 months later. The foreman asks him what took him so long. The lumberjack pulls out a book and says "This is my autobiography. I logged my whole life in here."

Praying hands

In Tulsa, OK, on the campus of Oral Roberts University (Oral Roberts was one of those famous money hungry televangelists) there is a giant statue of a set of praying hands. It was discovered one day that they had broken apart and separated. They had construction engineers, all kinds of equipment, ex...

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site...

... The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.

The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evenin...

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The New Owner

A rich man bought a failing factory, and decided he was going to turn it around himself.

The first day the new owner grabs the factory foreman, and tells him he’s going to get some real progress out of these lazy workers. They walk out onto the factory floor and see a young man lounging up ...

There were 3 crews that worked for a telephone pole company. A German crew, a Norwegian crew, and a Swedish crew.

The foreman told each crew to put in telephone poles for the day and left. At 5:00 PM he came back and asked each crew how many poles they put in.

The German crew tells him they put in 9 poles today.
"Good job, head on home" the foreman tells them.

The Norwegian crew tells him they ...

Open and Shut

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but no...

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An English Carpenter, an Irish Plumber, and a Chinese Laborer are hired to work a construction site...

The night before they start, the foreman explains “ok, the Englishman is going to build the frame, the Irishman will be running the pipes, and the Chinese guy is responsible for bringing the supplies, got it?”

The three nod, and agree to start setting up the next morning at 8am.

The fo...

What's the difference between a girder and a joist?

it's my cake day, so here's my favorite joke.

An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply. The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn't care for Irishmen, thinks they're drunks and dumb and unreliable. But he knows he can't just come out and say that.<...

A log chopper came looking for a job in a lumber camp

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, " Okay, here's an axe-let' s see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree a...

Lost in Translation

An Italian guy, a Mexican guy and a Chinese guy are hired to do some construction labor. The Foreman pulls them together and says, “I need you three to move this big pile of sand to the other side of the jobsite.”

He tells the Italian,”You’re in charge of shoveling the sand into the wheelbar...

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A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

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Bloke goes for a job on a building site

Foreman says ‘important things first, can you make a cup of tea?’
‘Yeah’ he replies
‘Good’ says the foreman, ‘can you drive a forklift?’
He says ‘Why? How bigs the fucking tea pot?’

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"Your one and only job is to supply the miners"

The foreman told the asian man before leaving the job site.

Upon the foreman's return a week later he noticed one of the job site workers lackadaisically lounging in the sun.

"Hey Bob! How are ya? Why arent you workin boy?" said the foreman.

"Im too hungry to work. That chinama...

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

Me: You know, sometimes abbreviating names can be confusing.

GF: You think so?

Me: Definitely.

George Foreman: That’s interesting.

A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.

When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”
The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”

Timmy Got a Job!

Timmy boy, a young hobo who left home in search for wealth, got his 14th job in the 3 months he has been traveling. His first shift at Bob’s Animal Candies Inc. started at 9 am, Tuesday. After working for hours at the breath fresheners’ line, he began to get bored, so Timmy decided to take a break t...

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A young family moves into a house next to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to build a new house on the empty lot. Soon the family’s five year old daughter took an interest in what the construction crew was doing and started hanging around them, well soon they adopted her as their mascot of sorts and let her sit with them during their c...

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An American, an Englishman and a Japanese man.....

.... were all seeking work on a building site. The foreman looks at them each and says "Ok, you Americans are hard workers, you can mix the cement, you British are good craftsmen, you can lay the bricks and you Japanese are good with logistics, you can be in charge of supplies."
The American and ...

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Some construction workers are putting up a building...

The foreman is five stories up on the roof, about to cut some 2 x 4's when he realizes he doesn't have a saw. He shouts down to a worker on the ground.

"Hey!," the foreman yells. "I need a saw!"

The worker shrugs, unable to hear him over the machinery.

So the foreman shouts agai...

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Bialy and Bagel Factory

The health inspector goes to make his surprise visit to a bialy and bagel factory for it's annual inspection. There, he see a large, hairy shirtless man picking up bialy dough from a conveyor belt and pressing it into his man boob, living the bialy indentation and putting it back on the conveyor be...

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."

The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's s...

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A woman applies for work at a construction site.

Her skills and recommendations are superb, so the foreman is ready to offer her the job. "We are kinda rough here. And we use body parts in our "sign language" to get around the noise and distance on the site."

"No problem," she replies, "all part of the job."

Soon, the foreman is on...

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My grandma Edna had to get a job...

...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her.

A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and o...

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This joke made me chuckle

A Chinese guy, an Italian and an Irishman arrived for their first day working on a construction site and reported to the foreman's office.

The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand and said, "I want you three guys to make a huge dent in that sandpile there!"

The foreman then grabbed t...

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A man with a stutter started his new job on a construction site...

Not sure if this is a repost, my father told me it when I was 11 years old.

A man with a stutter (Dave) started his new job on a construction site and was walking around with one of his colleagues (Jim) being given a tour of the site.
“Th-th-this is a pretty cool p-p-place. I’m so h-happ...

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construction gal

A female carpenters first day on the job.She was told to assist the carpenters with tools and materials.Mary is in the process of bringing materials across field to work site when she notices foreman signaling to her.he touches his eye then his knee then his crotch.Mary returns his signal with her o...

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The Fucking Tree

A guy looking for a job finds that a certain mill is hiring
lumberjacks. So he goes out to the mill and talks to the foreman
who tells him all about the job, pay, and housing for all of the
lumberjacks. Everything looks perfect and the guy is ready to go
to work at once.


But w...

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A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter

The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.

End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.

Second day newbie comes back to the shop at th...

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A black guy, a white guy, and a Chinese guy...

Get a job on a construction site.
One day the foreman has to keep an early appointment, so he leaves the black guy and the white guy in charge of building, and leaves the Chinese guy in charge of supplies.
Hours later, the foreman returns to find the black and white guys standing around, and...

Did you hear Muhammad Ali burnt his hand in a few fights?

That's what happens when you punch George Foreman in the grill.

Bob is having trouble finding workers for his house construction company

So he decides to open the position up to people with more general skills. The first candidate doesn't have much experience in construction, but insists that his previous experience will be an asset.

The man seems earnest, so Bob decides to give him a chance. He tells the foreman to watch the ...

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A guy gets a job as a lumberjack

He's in a logging camp in the middle of nowhere and everything is going great. After a couple of weeks he's talking to his foreman when he says, "I notice there's no women around for miles, what do you guys do to satisfy your needs?" The foreman hands him a map and tells him to follow this to the bi...

A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...

On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.

"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.

"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"

"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"

Three workers show up for their first day in a mine

The foreman eyes them up to determine their respective roles. There’s a Polish man, Irish man, and a Chinese man.

“Kowalski, you’re a big guy. You’ll swing the pick and chip away at the coal” says the foreman.

“OKeefe, you’re strong too. Shovel the coal in this cart and wheel it up to...

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Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

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It's Spring Break, and Little Johnny has been home for a week.

He's been tearing the house up and breaking things every day. Finally his Mom has had enough.

"LITTLE JOHNNY! I'm sick of you destroying everything! They're building a house across the street. Go hang out with the foreman and don't come back until you've learned something about construction. ...

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