The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

I don’t think she noticed because she hasn’t said anything.

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes home from work with lipstick on his shirt.

His wife demands he tell her how exactly he managed to get lipstick on his shirt because it certainly wasn't hers.

He says 'It's pretty simple really, I wiped my dick on it'.

The other day I've mixed my wives lipstick with a glue stick

My model plane fell completely apart!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After sticking a bunch of lipstick up my butt, I realized one thing.

Makeup sex is highly overrated.

A couple of days ago I ate three lipsticks and some mascara and haven't pooed since...

You really can't sh*t this make up.

I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me

What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?

''Put it on my bill."

Courtesy of my 8 year old: Why did the lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation keep fighting each other?

Because they could never makeup!

I got my wife an amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight.

It's called "Superglue".

You can put lipstick on a pig

But no one is going to believe it's your girlfriend that has been missing for 2 weeks.

Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?

She was trying to blow the horn.

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This Custodian’s Cleaning Method Leaves These Girls Rethinking Lipstick

According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.


A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would ...

My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there...

My wife came home with smudged lipstick at two in the morning

She should learn how to apply make up properly

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my girlfriend her lipstick was ugly and she got mad...

Make up sex.

My wife asked me to hand her a tube of lipstick, but I mistakenly handed her a tube of Super Glue

Now she won't talk to me.

My friend was putting lipstick on her forehead

She said she was trying to make-up her mind

My wife just put lipstick on. She only does this on special occasions...you know what's next fellas.....

We're going to church.

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Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls...

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

A "your mama” joke for the books.

Your mama is so stupid she puts lipstick on her forehead... Just to make up her mind.

Why did the blonde wear green lipstick?

Because red means stop ;D

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you guys hear the one about the mascara and the lipstick?

The relationship was alright, but the make-up sex was amazing.

In the first photo of a black hole

, scientists will find a large number of headphones, lipstick, umbrella, charging treasure, data cable, single socks, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

​

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home one day after being called an idiot. (Long)

He asks his mother what an idiot is, and his mother says it means ‘ladies and gentlemen’. He goes into the kitchen and hears his father whisper ‘fuck!’ after cutting himself with a knife. The boy asks what that means. The dad says it means ‘preparing’. He goes upstairs into the bathroom, and finds ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk, who smelled of stale beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman is going door to door in a small town. After having the door slammed in his face multiple times he decides to knock on one last door. The door is answered by a 10 year old boy wearing lingerie, high heels, lipstick and smoking a cigarette.

Salesman (shocked) : Young man a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up to find a ring around his penis.

He is worried he might have a dicease, so he takes the day off of work to go to the doctor. He quickly gats dressed and hops in his car.

When he got to the the doctor, he checked in and waited patiently. After 30 minutes or so, they call his name and he goes to a room.

Soon the doctor ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man woke up after a hard night of partying

He goes to take a piss and sees he has two stains around his dick, a red stain and a brown stain.

Freaking out he rushed straight to the doctor to get checked out.

The doctor checks him out and says let me run a couple tests.

The doctor comes back a few minutes later and says, "...

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"


"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.

​

They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly ...

Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:

The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you ...

I once asked a Scottish man...

“What’s under a kilt?”

He didn’t miss a beat. “On a good day,”

He said, “lipstick.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My cock is rainbow coloured

Tell your mum to stop changing her damn lipstick

Little boy in a sandbox

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.

The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Truth will set you free.

A boss had an affair for the first time with his secretary. They spent time in his office till late at night. They had wild sex and when they were done, the secretary turned to him and said, it is late and you are all messed up, your wife will take one look at you and realize what we did.

Do...

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the blond...

What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt?

Lipstick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man came home late and very drunk.

His wife was waiting for him. " you've been kissing someone, haven't you?" She shouted at him.
"No" he answered back.
"Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
"That's easy," he said. "I used my shirt to wipe my dick."

Police do a good deed

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care about others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows “not all cops are in that category”.

This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg, TX. which reported ...

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road

one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone call...

So yesterday I wore a costume....

I am a male and I wore a see through shirt and pants. I completed my ensemble with a stuffed bra, long haired wig and lipstick. I pushed a baby doll around all night in a stroller holding the baby bottle....

I was a transparent transparent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sister got turned into a deer.

So I have this really strange story to tell. It all started when my sister was turned into a deer. It all started when she was walking through the forest and a fairy came up to her and said, “Hey, I think you should be a deer.” The fairy waved her wand and she was a deer before she could even rep...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW]Man comes home drunk as hell...

...his wife is on the door and starts yelling: "YOU'VE BEEN KISSING ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!!"
Guy just stares and says: "Nope"
Wife screeching on top of her lungs: "YES YOU HAVE BEEN WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, I CAN SEE HER LIPSTICK ALL OVER YOUR COLLAR!!!"
Guy says: "No I haven't kissed anybody, I just...

Man Meets friend and notices

Man Meets Friend & Notices He's wearing lipstick. When Did U Start Wearing Lipstick? Friend- Ever Since My Wife Found It In My Car.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

50 of the most offensive jokes I know

1_Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes

2_My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

3_What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A high school janitor goes to the principal's office

He tells the principal how the girls won't stop kissing the bathroom mirrors everyday to leave their lipstick marks, and how it is difficult to clean. The principal announces over the loudspeaker at the beginning of the day and tells the culprits to stop immediately. Things just got worse after this...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend got arrested for DUI [LONG]

My friend told me he got arrested for DUI. And I asked how that was possible because he never had a drink in his life. This is what he told me:
So I'm driving along and there is a police car and they stop me. The police officer asks me to step out of the car: "sir did you have anything to drink?"...

What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride.

Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of w...

A collection of Waspy jokes about yo-mamma

1. Your mother is so déclassé, she has a time-share
near Sea World!

2. Your mother is so prescription drug dependent,
she pops Xanax like Godiva bonbons!

3. Your mother is so lower middle-class, she thinks
Egyptian cotton smells of camels!

4. Your mother...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis.

He can't figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor hands him a tube of cream. "Here. Put this on and the ring will be gone within the hour," the doctor said. The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone within the hour. But then the next day, he woke up and the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

On the train in Bangkok....

...a young, long-haired, busty Thai sat down directly opposite me & started putting on lipstick.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."

But he did.

Top 10 Funniest Animal Jokes

Q. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
A. It gets toad away.

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.”
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. “Ouch!” He...

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