UPJOKE
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Where do cats keep their lipstick?

In their purrrs.

Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry?

Because we live in a mask era.

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

Why are eyeshadow, lipstick, and mascara never mad at each other?

Because they always make-up

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

I gave my mother superglue instead of her lipstick.

She didn't even complain afterwards.

Why did the blonde get lipstick all over the steering wheel?

They were trying to blow the horn.

An elderly couple has fallen on hard times…

After exhausting all other options, the husband and wife agree that she will go out and turn tricks to make ends meet. The next day, she gussies herself up by putting on her best wig, her reddest lipstick, and her lowest-cut dress. Then out the door she goes around 4 pm.

When midnight rolls a...

I only date girls who wear flavoured lipsticks.

I've got good tastin' women!

I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me.

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Paddy gets home from the pub very drunk....

His wife says "Okay smart arse, explain the lipstick on ya collar".

"Fuckin' easy" he says. "I used me shirt to wipe my cock".

Family vacation

A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.
They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet ...

Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick?

Goth Brooks

Today I figured out how to make my own lipstick.

That was when I thoughtlessly chewed on a tube of super glue.

I just removed a Wig, some Lipstick and two Chicken Fillets off my racecar...

You could say I significantly reduced the drag.

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This Custodian’s Cleaning Method Leaves These Girls Rethinking Lipstick

According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.


A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would ...

My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

A couple of days ago I ate three lipsticks and some mascara and haven't pooed since...

You really can't sh*t this make up.

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Can you tell your mom to stop wearing different lipsticks every day?

My dick's starting to look like a fucking rainbow!

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?

"Put it on my bill."

Why did the girl put lipstick on her head?

Because she wanted to make up her mind.

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After sticking a bunch of lipstick up my butt, I realized one thing.

Makeup sex is highly overrated.

I got my wife an amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight.

It's called "Superglue".

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

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A lipstick problem.

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of
the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the gir...

The other day I've mixed my wives lipstick with a glue stick

My model plane fell completely apart!

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They say makeup sex is awesome

but it just leaves my dick covered in lipstick

A duck goes into the shop to buy some lipstick. “How do you want to pay?” asks the shop assistant..

...”just put it on my bill” replies the duck.

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

A young blonde woman wants to go to the movies with one of her friends, but none of them are available, so she decides to go by herself.

"Please be careful," says her brunette roommate. "I went to the movies once by myself, and I had to change my seat thrice because I kept finding myself sitting next to a man who tried to make out with me."

"Don't worry!" replies the blonde. "I'll be careful!"

When the blonde comes back...

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The luck of the Irish.

An apology from Belfast General Hospital......

Dear Mr. Murphy.

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation....

My wife came home with smudged lipstick at two in the morning

She should learn how to apply make up properly

My wife just put lipstick on. She only does this on special occasions...you know what's next fellas.....

We're going to church.

Why does the Avon lady walk funny?

Because her lipstick.

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office.

The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?"

The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?"

The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker."

The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and exami...

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I told my girlfriend her lipstick was ugly and she got mad...

Make up sex.

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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls

We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Gu...

I walked through the front door after work and our parrot said "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather peculiar.

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess, and face covered in sweat.

"Everything ok?" she asked, flustered.

"Honey," I said, "I've got a question to ask you..."

"Yes! Sure!" she panicked, straightening her clothes, "What is it?"

I said...

Pedro gets a New Secretary.

Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.

Dora (Pedro's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"

Pedro: “Didn’t quite notice."

Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
...

Meanwhile, at the sandbox ...

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox together. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his Mother to always be polite and don’t talk about private matters in public.


At first he holds it in for a little while because he doesn’t know what to say to the litt...

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there...

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A drunken man who smelled like beer say down on the subway next to a priest...

The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”The priest repli...

British Joke

I remember waking up one morning, and my wife asked me, "Honey, give me the lipstick." I accidentally gave her a glue-stick! She hasn't talked to me since...

How does Chris Brown's girlfriend know that he cheated?

Different shade of lipstick on his knuckles.

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Did you guys hear the one about the mascara and the lipstick?

The relationship was alright, but the make-up sex was amazing.

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My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

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Two guys in a Learjet

Two guys in a Learjet are crossing the Rocky Mountains when the engines fail and the plane is going to crash.

As they are falling to their certain death, the pilot calmly reaches to his pocket and pulls out a shiny pink lipstick. He puts the lipstick on, then tears the steering wheel out of t...

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sex joke

a guy wakes up with a ring around his penis. he goes to the doctor to see what's up with it. as he enters the doctors office, he says "doctor, i woke up with a red ring around my penis is there anything i can take to make it go away?"
the doctor handed him a tube and says "here. take this. apply ...

A wife confronts her husband while doing the laundry.

"Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?" she demands.

"No," he says, looking puzzled. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

Why did the blonde wear green lipstick?

Because red means stop ;D

My friend was putting lipstick on her forehead

She said she was trying to make-up her mind

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

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The four tiers of courage

FIRST TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is standing by the door with a broom and you ask her: "You cleaning or flying off to somewhere?"
SECOND TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is in bed, but she is not asleep.
You bring a chair to the bed and ...

Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:

The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you ...

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My wife said I put chapstick on like a serial killer. I asked her "How do you know?"

She said "I don't know. It's just weird, like, you're trying too hard to look like you're not putting on lipstick"

"Oh... Okay. I was worried you found something in the basement."

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A man came home late and very drunk.

His wife was waiting for him. " you've been kissing someone, haven't you?" She shouted at him.
"No" he answered back.
"Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
"That's easy," he said. "I used my shirt to wipe my dick."

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Waiting Room Nerves

Two young men are worried and nervously comparing their symptoms in the doctor's waiting room. They are amazed that each of them is seeing the doctor for a colored ring around the base of his penis. One has a red ring and the other a green ring.

The young man with the red ring goes in first...

The female washroom had a lip print problem.

Everyday the popular girls went to the washroom and left lipstick prints on the mirrors, causing a hassle for the janitor.

So he thought of a plan and discussed it with a teacher.

One day he invited the offenders to the washroom.

“Everyday after school I need to clean these l...

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Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.

The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what ...

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This guy is waiting in the doctor’s office. He’s very nervous and decides to talk to the guy beside him

“So, What are you here for?”

“I got a red ring around the base of my penis, and I’m really scared.”

“Wow... I got a green ring... wonder what it is.”


The first guy gets called in. A few more minutes later he comes out beaming. “Nothing to worry about!! “ he tells our friend ...

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road

one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone call...

Two blondes are waiting for the bus...

The first one decides to touch up her makeup, so she grabs her lipstick and a small mirror and starts touching up her lips.

"HEY!!", she says surprised, while looking into the mirror. "I know this person!!".

Her friend, startled, looks at her and says "What!? Let me see!".

The f...

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the blond...

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