Cosmetic Jokes - 44 Hilarious Cosmetic Jokes

A man walks into a cosmetic store and asks..

Man: How much for that funny spray that makes people smell better?

Worker: Perfume?

Man: No, per bottle would be nice

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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Of all the cosmetic surgeries available, no one ever wants to talk about vaginoplasty.

They're all so .... tight-lipped about it.

Why aren't cosmetic students afraid of missing their exams?

They love make up tests!

woman decides to get cosmetic surgery

She gets a face lift, a nose job and implants.

She was feeling a bit insecure about it after so on her first day out she goes to a restaurant. She asks the man behind the register what he thinks her age is. He guesses early 30s and she is delighted and says I am 43.

S...

Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing examinations?

Because they're used to taking makeup tests.

You know what’s weird about cosmetic procedures?

When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked. But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.

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Kim Kardashian goes for cosmetic surgery...

So Kim goes to a cosmetic surgeon to get an ol' nip and tuck of her private parts. Getting rid of useless skin that’s attached to you is the 'in' thing to do these days, you know (no, I’m not talking about Kayne). Of course, she would like everyone involved in the operation to keep the affair high...

There's a new cosmetic surgery that makes you look like an Eskimo.

You might wanna look Inuit.

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.

He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

Yesterday, I got a facial cosmetic treatment in Boston.

It was more than a peeling.

Pete Townshend and Keith Moon were arrested last night after releasing 1000 pugs from a cosmetic company’s testing facility.

The Who let the dogs out.

I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression

But it definitely put a smile on my face.

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Two blondes were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first blonde says, "I have to be honest. I am planning to get a boob job."

The second says, "Yea, I going to get my asshole bleached this week."

To which the first replies, "Whoooa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde."

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong?

I'm all ears.

A man is in a cosmetic shop, then a female worker asks him:"Do you want Head and Shoulders sir?"

Then the man responds:"Yes, but how did you know my name was 'and Shoulders'? "

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

I would post a joke about cosmetics

But I can't seem to make up one

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Some people claim that cosmetics often contain small traces of manure.

I believe that's bullshit.

Joke translated to English from German

A blonde is driving home when she gets pulled over by a police officer.

"Mam, may i see you driving license?!"

"What's a driving license? "

"You know this thing in your purse with your face on..."

She starts digging through her purse, finds her cosmetic m...

I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother.

Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.

I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations...

They're doing asbestos they can.

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Plastic Surgeon Dad, Operates On His Own Daughter....

There was a plastic/cosmetic surgeon,
who did some procedures on his own daughter,

He did her Nose, Boobs, and a few other things....

When people said she was pretty,
He then would jokingly say to them:

"she got her good looks from me!"

A married couple on a tight budget were shopping in a supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and places it in their shopping cart...

The wife complained, "Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items - not luxuries such as beer costing $20."

A little later while walking through the cosmetics aisle, the wife picks up a beauty cream and places it in the cart.

The husband says, "I thought we were on a t...

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-Sir, there are people protesting our products outside because of our animal testing.

-I'm tired of all this hypocrisy …big pharma and cosmetics test their products on animals all the time…
-Yes sir, but we make dildos.

A man loses his manhood...

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 fo...

How Old

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what...

The Cheap Businessman

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.
"That’s a bit much," says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.
"That’s st...

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

Never Argue With A Woman Who Reads

An elderly married couple is traveling by car from California to New York for a National Book Conference. After Spending almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to pull over and rent a room. They didn't want to waste much time, so they only planned to sleep for f...

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New company mergers

(I marked it NSFW because of the last one - not sure if it's considered NSFW, so just to be safe...)

For all of you with any money, be aware of these expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations:

1. Hale Business S...

When I was young, I really wanted to work with animals

But I just couldn’t get a job in cosmetics

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I told my wife to go shopping for a pair of great tits.

She thought I was talking about cosmetic surgery.

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So two women were eating lunch.

Two women were eating lunch and talking about cosmetic surgery. One said, "I'm getting a boob job." The other replied, "oh that's nothing. I'm getting my asshole bleached." The other woman then replies, "really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde."

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Gaming Sex Robot

I brought a sex robot from EA and it's so realistic. It wont have sex with me until I buy Cosmetic Item add-ons.

A middle aged woman suffers a heart attack...

... and meets God before being revived. He tells her not to worry; she's got at least 40 more years of life ahead of her.

Upon waking from surgery, she decides that with all that time left, and since she's at the hospital anyway, she'll get some cosmetic surgery... a face lift, a nose job, br...

Facelift

Jacqueline was a very attractive woman but she was feeling a little insecure about the wrinkles that began appearing on her face once she turned 40. After trying to deal with the wrinkles using make-up for a few years, she decided to get a facelift on her 43rd birthday. She spent her savings, $10,00...

A man and his wife go to the grocery store..,

A man and his wife are walking down the cosmetic isle in the grocery store,

The wife says, "I am going to get this bottle of cream to make me look beautiful it is only $19.95"

The man replies,"You don't need that honey, just put it back."

The man and his wife walk past the beer...

A man and his wife

A man and his wife are shopping at the local grocery store. The man picks up a 12 pack of beer and carries it up to his wife.

His wife turns to him and says "how much does that 12 pack of beer cost?"

The man says " $15.99"

"$15.99!?" the woman exclaims
"that is way...

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A 50 year-old woman decides to spend a lot of money on her birthday...

...on cosmetics, wrinkle reduction treatments, a new hairdo, new clothes, etc. When she decides she's done the most she could, she feels really good about herself and decides to go for a walk.

First, she enters a shop to buy a magazine. While she's paying, she asks the cashier:

'How ol...

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An old multi-billionaire is lying on his deathbed...

And he calls his 3 best friends into the room.

 

"Now look," he says, "I know I won't be alive much longer, and you know I love my money. I want to prove to my family that you CAN take it with you when you go. So, to keep them from getting their greedy mitts on my money, I'm ...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

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Decision Time

A man who had been seeing three different women decided it was time to settle down and get married. The problem was, he couldn't decide which woman to ask to marry him. Then he had an idea: he'd give $1,000 to each of them and whatever they did with the money would influence his decision.

S...

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

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