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Some people claim that cosmetics often contain small traces of manure.

I believe that's bullshit.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother.

Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.

As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small ...

Yesterday, I got a facial cosmetic treatment in Boston.

It was more than a peeling.

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Two blond bimbos

Blond 1- pulls out a cosmetic mirror, looks in and says... „hmm, that face looks familiar“

Blond 2 - grabs the mirror from the other blond and looks at it. „Ooh you’re so stupid“, she says looking condescendingly at her bimbo friend. „That’s Me!“

You know what’s weird about cosmetic procedures?

When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked. But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.

I use alcohol as a cosmetic.

Applying it to other peoples faces, makes mine look better.

I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations...

They're doing asbestos they can.

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong?

I'm all ears.

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

There's a new cosmetic surgery that makes you look like an Eskimo.

You might wanna look Inuit.

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Two blondes were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first blonde says, "I have to be honest. I am planning to get a boob job."

The second says, "Yea, I going to get my asshole bleached this week."

To which the first replies, "Whoooa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde."

I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression

But it definitely put a smile on my face.

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A man had 3 girlfriends...

He wanted to settle down finally and marry someone. He had no idea about whom to choose, so he gave each one of them 10k$ and asked them to spend it in the best way possible.

The first one bought clothes and cosmetics for herself.

The second one put it in her savings saying it will he...

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Kim Kardashian goes for cosmetic surgery...

So Kim goes to a cosmetic surgeon to get an ol' nip and tuck of her private parts. Getting rid of useless skin that’s attached to you is the 'in' thing to do these days, you know (no, I’m not talking about Kayne). Of course, she would like everyone involved in the operation to keep the affair high...

I would post a joke about cosmetics

But I can't seem to make up one

"You look wonderful, dear."

A man’s wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours, applying the “miracle” products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and asked, “Darling, honestly now, w...

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

When I was young, I really wanted to work with animals

But I just couldn’t get a job in cosmetics

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.



“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.



“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the clerk brings out a tiny fi...

A man was in a terrible accident...

and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 ...

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Gaming Sex Robot

I brought a sex robot from EA and it's so realistic. It wont have sex with me until I buy Cosmetic Item add-ons.

Never Argue With A Woman Who Reads

An elderly married couple is traveling by car from California to New York for a National Book Conference. After Spending almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to pull over and rent a room. They didn't want to waste much time, so they only planned to sleep for f...

A man is walking through the grocery store, and puts a case of beer in his cart

His wife says: “you don’t need that. Put that back.”
The husband says: “Yes, dear,” and puts the case of beer back on the shelf.
Later, the wife picks up a container from the cosmetics aisle and puts it in the cart.
“What is this?” The husband asks.
“It’s face cream. I wear it so I can l...

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An old multi-billionaire is lying on his deathbed...

And he calls his 3 best friends into the room.

 

"Now look," he says, "I know I won't be alive much longer, and you know I love my money. I want to prove to my family that you CAN take it with you when you go. So, to keep them from getting their greedy mitts on my money, I'm ...

A middle aged woman suffers a heart attack...

... and meets God before being revived. He tells her not to worry; she's got at least 40 more years of life ahead of her.

Upon waking from surgery, she decides that with all that time left, and since she's at the hospital anyway, she'll get some cosmetic surgery... a face lift, a nose job, br...

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A 50 year-old woman decides to spend a lot of money on her birthday...

...on cosmetics, wrinkle reduction treatments, a new hairdo, new clothes, etc. When she decides she's done the most she could, she feels really good about herself and decides to go for a walk.

First, she enters a shop to buy a magazine. While she's paying, she asks the cashier:

'How ol...

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Decision Time

A man who had been seeing three different women decided it was time to settle down and get married. The problem was, he couldn't decide which woman to ask to marry him. Then he had an idea: he'd give $1,000 to each of them and whatever they did with the money would influence his decision.

S...

A man and his wife

A man and his wife are shopping at the local grocery store. The man picks up a 12 pack of beer and carries it up to his wife.


His wife turns to him and says "how much does that 12 pack of beer cost?"

The man says " $15.99"


"$15.99!?" the woman exclaims
"that is way...

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So two women were eating lunch.

Two women were eating lunch and talking about cosmetic surgery. One said, "I'm getting a boob job." The other replied, "oh that's nothing. I'm getting my asshole bleached." The other woman then replies, "really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde."

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