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Biggest Jokes

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!

"What's your biggest weakness?" asked the job interviewer.

"I don't know my own strengths," I replied.

"What's your biggest strength?"

"I contradict myself."

What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?

Dying alone

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If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she's ever felt...

She's probably pulling your leg.

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Think Mayweather/Mcgregor is going to be the biggest fight of the year?

Just wait until my girl finds out I paid $100 to see it.

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life ?

Answer:
1. Life sucks
2. Job sucks
3. Wife doesn't

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What job makes the biggest assholes?

Gay porn stars

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

What's the biggest city in the United States?

Obesity

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My date for Valentines told me I had the biggest Willy she’d ever felt.

Turns out she was pulling my leg.

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What's the biggest difference between Google and Pornhub?

I'm willing to go to the 2nd page of search results on Pornhub.

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box

it's a gift.

What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well the flag's a big plus.

whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?

2B or not 2B

What is the biggest difference between identical twins?

Location.

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie”.

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the w...

What' the biggest threat to the Vatican?

Weapons of Mass destruction

"This is the biggest game of your life," my coach said.

Everyone was nervous, including me, and he wasn't making things easier.

He followed-up with, "Pretend like you're are going into combat."

That was it. That was the spark I needed. I waited for his back to be turned, and when it was, I snuck out of the locker room and started making my ...

Do you know the biggest difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What's the biggest thing that separates Jaguars from Leopards?

The Pacific Ocean.

Job Interviewer~ What would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me\~ I am too honest.

Job Interviewer\~ I don't think of that as a weakness at all.

Me\~ Well, I don't really give a sh\*t what you think.

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A man is sitting for a job interview when the question is asked by the interviewer,

“What is your biggest weakness?”


The job candidate thinks for a moment and answers “honesty. Honesty is my biggest weakeness.”


The potential employer replies “I don’t think honesty is a weakness!”


The man replies “I really don’t give a fuck what you think!”

Why does Germany have the biggest population in the European Union?

Because they are GerMANY.

Teacher: “children, what’s your biggest fear?”

Tom (5): “snakes!”

Emily (6): “lions!”

Stanley (5): “the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!”

Lilly (6): “Stanley!”

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she whispered in my ear "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on!"

I said "Na, you're just pullin' my leg!"

I went to a place where people told me had the world's biggest vegetables!

The hospital soon kicked me out

Which Slavic ruler was the biggest stoner?

Vlad The Inhaler

The biggest killer in the American Civil War was diarrhea

Imagine getting shot with that!

Jimmy Carr.

What is the biggest lie ever?

"I have read and agree to the terms of use"

What is the biggest clickbait?

You just came across it

Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter.

Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.

What’s the biggest similarity between waitressing and prostitution?

Tips are a big part of both jobs

My Biggest flex is...

I have a pen that can write underwater!

Them: No you dont, really?

Me: Yeah! It can write other words also.

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Ms. Pac Man is the biggest hoe in history

For 25 cents she swallows until she fucking dies.

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Who is the biggest digital hoe?

Mrs. Pac-Man because for ¢25, she’ll swallow balls until she dies.

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My mother has the biggest boobs in the world

My mom always get raging mad whenever I mention that she has the world biggest boobs. She tells me that is improper to be introducing my two brothers to strangers like that and I should instead introduce them by their proper names.

Which superhero is the biggest peeping Tom?

Spied-her-man

Biggest Pee Pee

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'".

"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It'...

So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...

so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shou...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

What’s a crips biggest fear?

A blood test.

A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"I heard you the first time," says the patient. "You didn't need to say it the second time."

"I didn't," says the dentist. "That was my echo."

The Biggest Lie...

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

**The teacher says**, "Why are you arguing?"

**One boy answers**, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," **said the teacher,** "When I w...

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My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world

He's so egotestical.

Donald Trump is the next President but...

The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.

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Orgasms are my biggest turn-off

It seems like every time I have one I instantly lose all interest in having sex

What's the biggest problem with lactose intolerance?

Smelly dairy air!

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A husband tells his wife: "I bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

She told him: "you have the biggest dick in the whole town"

What's the point of calling yourself the biggest fan

if you don't blow

The biggest loser isn’t the one that gets first place in the ‘biggest loser’ competition...

They come second...

Idk but y’all by law have to be nice to me cause it’s my cake day.

What is the worlds biggest drawback?

A whales foreskin.

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Who's the biggest hoe in history?

Mrs. Pacman. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls till she died.

Ants are nature's biggest simps

Millions follow their queen when she uses OnlyPheromones.

What are the two biggest fears of Russian military?

That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.

You know what the biggest problem with political jokes is?

They get elected.

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Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," s...

What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Mine is people who ask a question just so they can give their own answer to it.

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"Ok now ...

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

What was the biggest scam in Ancient Egypt?

A Pyramid Scheme.

What is the biggest problem with capitalism?

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Do you know what Irish City is seeing the biggest population growth?

It is their capital. It is Dublin (doubling)...

Interviewer : What's your biggest strength?

Me : I'm good at Machine Learning

Interviewer : Okay, what's 21+17

Me : It's 5

Interviewer : Not even close. It's 38

Me : It's 20

Interviewer : I said it's 38

Me : It's 35

Interviewer : It's still 38....

Me : It's 38

Interviewer : Hired!

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What is a Sex worker's biggest fear?

November

I won first place in the Biggest Erection contest

I had some stiff competition.

What is England’s biggest outport?

Independents Days

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There are three kindergartners; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. Which has the biggest boobs?

The blonde... she's 18.

What is Lebanon's biggest export?

Beirut.

^^^^I'm ^^^^not ^^^^proud ^^^^of ^^^^this.

What’s the biggest benefit of getting Covid?

You can’t taste your wife’s cooking

Too soon?

Guys biggest fear.... Too soon.

Girls biggest fear.... Late.

LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree

"Here, I killed your friend. Hold him"

What is the biggest Australian SciFi producton?

The mate-rix

What do single mothers in my area find to be the biggest turn off?

Adblock

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

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What's the biggest pain in the ass for a tailor?

***Hem***orrhoids.

You know what was the biggest waste of money in 2020?

I renewed my passport

Which politician is the biggest supporter of statistical sciences?

Putin. He really loves the Poisson distribution.

I work for the world's biggest NanoTechnology company

We're not very good

What is the world's biggest windmill?

Earth's biggest fan.

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

What’s a panda’s biggest life regret?

Never had a selfie in color.

I went for a job interview and the asked me to state my biggest weakness in three words

'Not very good at maths' I replied

Chris Rea's two biggest hits in the UK are 'Driving home for Christmas' and 'Road to Hell'

Which if you have a family like mine, both songs describe the journey.

I’m pewdiepie’s biggest fan

I mean, 750 pounds is pretty big right?

Starbucks are looking to buy out their biggest rival

Bet that would Costa lot of money

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I started dating my biggest fan.

I know she is just an electric fan, but she gives the best blow jobs!

The biggest coincidence of all time

has to be that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease.

The Californian government was raising funds to build a new highway. The biggest donors were Apple corp, and a Chinese artist.

Ended up being called the i-Ai Weiwei Way.

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What is the biggest turn off when having sex?

When you wife says: Honey, I'm home!

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The Biggest Joke of 2016

Mariah Carey's Performance at Dick Clarks Rockin New Years Eve

What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ?

Being white in Middle East.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

The biggest marketing budget ever.

The Last of Us II.

Oldy/not original: Who is the biggest sinner in the bible?

Moses, he broke all the commandments at once.

The biology teacher told us our skin is the biggest organ...

Here i was thinking it was the one they play in the church down the road!

What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export?

Troops

Where does biggest potato grow?

Under the ground.

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