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Largest Jokes

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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NASA recently discovered the man with the largest penis in the universe

But they said it wasn't an appropriate thing to put on my resume, and I didn't get the job.

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

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China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile.

But their condoms are "Made in China"

What’s the largest city in America?

Obesity

What’s the largest species of ants?

Gi-ants

My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

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A gynecologist tells his patient "You have the largest vagina I've ever seen! You have the largest vagina I've ever seen!"

The woman says "well doctor you didn't have to say it twice.."

The doctor replies "I didn't! ^I ^didn't! ^^I ^^didn't! ^^^I ^^^didn't! ^^^^I ^^^^didn't! ^^^^"

The blue whale is the world's largest mammal.

Second only to yo mama.

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Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," s...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Which planet appears largest in a telescope?

Earth

Which country is the largest supplier of arms to Ukraine?

Russia

Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?

No, but Genghis Khan!

Which is the largest wall in the world?

The Great Firewall of China

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

What is the largest land animal that is not important?

The irrelephant .

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Have you ever heard of the world's largest pickle?

It's kind of a big dill.

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur Tibia.

It's going to be quite the shindig.

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Two men just got away with the largest Viagra heist in history.

Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Scientists say the world's largest organism is slowly being eaten

But I didn't see any bite marks on your mom

Everyone knows that the SECOND largest city in the world is Dublin...because it keeps on dublin and dublin. But what is the largest?

Tripoli.

Did you hear they just opened the worlds largest Lego store in Las Vegas?

People are lining up for blocks.

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

New York City’s largest newspaper placed a billboard in my hometown

It’s was a sign of the Times.

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."

The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."

The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wiv...

My friend told me Sapporo is the largest city in Hokkaido

Ainu

The largest city in North Yorkshire has mysteriously vanished!

Police are desperately searching for Leeds.

Paleontologists are celebrating the finding of the largest dinosaur tibia in recorded history

It's a real shin-dig!

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

The baby blue whale is the 2nd largest baby in the world

Right after people who are still complaining about wearing masks.

What's the largest ant on earth called?

Elephant

I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater...

It was too big a whisk

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

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I was banned from a largest cock competition

Apparently I misunderstood the objective

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

I recently paid a visit to the "World's Largest Wind Turbine" exhibit.

Honestly, not a big fan.

The CEO of the largest paper shredder company in the world just died.

rip.

Did you hear they found a pushpin on the largest moon of Saturn?

Thats right,
A tac on Titan

A gal walks into a bar and orders the largest beer they have.

"Sometimes I just need to drown my troubles," she tells the bartender with a heavy sigh. "But I can't convince my boyfriend to go swimming."

It's official! Reddit has the largest number of Ecologically sensitive people!

And in case any of you have doubts about it, the proof is in the fact this subreddit has tonnes of jokes recycled everyday!

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

I won the prize for "Largest litter of rabbits!"

But only by a hare.

last night I had a dream where I was eating the worlds largest marshmellow

then I woke up and said "hey wheres my pillow"

What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970?

Insemination.

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

How much does the world’s largest Chinese dumpling weigh?

WonTon

Boomerangs are Australia's largest Export.

And Import.

Ludacris's mansion boasts the world's largest sprinkler system. It's so large...

He's got hose in different area codes.

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What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis?

Long John Silver


First of my original jokes to actually make my girlfriend chuckle.

The largest charitable organisation in Chicago...

...realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful law firm.
So a volunteer paid the senior partner a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your firms annual income
is over four million d...

Someone asked me what the largest state in the US is...

...I told them I don't know but I know a girl who might so Alaska.

The world's largest egg is laid by the Ostrich...

And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.

Which dinosaur has the largest vocabulary?

Thesaurus

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I may have just have broken the record for the largest dump

Sorry for the shitpost

Milk that cow..

(Its just a Joke) Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time...

Who has the largest pupils?

A sumo instructor.

What is Kim Jun-Un's largest fear?

Projectile dysfunction

I work for the largest nanotechnology company till date.

We’re not very good.

My friend came up to me after making the world's largest bread

He said to me "Hey, thanks for helping out with this"

I responded "No problem, it was the yeast I could do"

Where is the largest synagogue in the universe?

Jew-piter

The worlds two largest manufacturers of broth seasoning cubes are merging.

It was a multi-bouillon dollar deal.

I had a great time watching "The Worlds Largest Outdoor Family Reunion" yesterday.

I guess most people just call it the Alabama vs Auburn game.

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Did you know the queen of England has the largest breasts in the world?

She has teacups

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I see Russia has become the largest manufacturer of Viagra

Just another way to meddle with our erections.

Professor: this is the largest species of moth that we know of

Me: \*under breath\* ᔐᔃᔐᔐᔒᔗʰ

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got b...

What's the largest religion in North Korea?

Crystal Methodists

An old cowboy from Texas recently heard that Alaska was the largest state

So he decided to uproot himself and move up to Alaska, to toss away the moniker of a cowboy and become a real Alaskan. He sold everything he owned, drove up to Alaska, and purchased some property.

After living there for a while, he knew he wasn’t quite an Alaskan, so he trekked down to the l...

Who was the largest knight at the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

Why was he so fat?
He ate too much pie.

The largest law in Australian history was recently proposed. It only impacts women.

Huge she-law, that one is.

Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables?

In an American nursing home.

Mike Wazowski and James P. Sullivan have one of the largest kitchens in the entire world.

Including the monster sink.

Of the three largest banks, let's refer to them as A, B and C, which one is the least trustworthy?

Bank C, very sketchy.

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The Guinness Book of World Records mislabeled the world record for the world’s largest penis.

They claimed the record holder was ‘Donald J Trump’, who then tweeted out the error, claiming his thing was big, but not that big.

GWR corrected themselves with a reprint two days later, instead saying he isn’t the record holder, but instead, he is the record,

Did you hear about the worlds largest broom?

It's really sweeping the nation

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What does the universe's largest known star VY Canis Majoris & a Labia Majora have in common?

They both lead to black holes

Sean Spicer said the inauguration had the "largest audience ever."

Then he took it back because your mother left.

Breaking News: United States is now the largest producer of salt.

So Salty...

What happens when a very small animal is born on the world’s second largest island?

New Guinea Pig

An American man wins a $1 billion sweepstakes

He goes to collect the prize and there's a whole tv crew waiting to interview him for the local news. The reporter says "this is the largest prize won in history! Any idea what you'll do with the money?" The man thinks for a second and says "Well, I'll probably see a doctor to get this sore throat l...

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After years of work, a king had the world’s largest garden made

He had plants of every fruit in the garden and he was, of course, very proud of it. To boast his garden he announced that on the last day of the month, anybody who can bring a fruit that is not available in his garden will be granted gold in his/her weight. But, to discourage unnecessary claims he a...

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My son thought the largest ocean was actually the mouth of a large monster

But then he said " you know what, it'd be funnier if it was the monster's butthole! "

" Watch your tongue young man! "

"Sorry dad"

" Just call it Pacific rim "

Mt favorite naval joke!

**Americans**: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.









**Canadians**: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.






**Americans**: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship....

The largest bounce house in the world is around 10,000 feet, big enough to live in...

But the rent is pretty high due to inflation

What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car?

The bear maximum

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Why is the man with the world record largest penis so depressed?

He just didn't fit in.

My neighbor asked if I could pitch in money to help him buy the world's largest piece of sports equipment, and then get 5 friends to also.

I refused. I know it's just a big racket.

A rich man needs to choose a wife out of three women

He gives them each $10 and tell them to buy something that can fill the room.
The next day, the first girl said she brought bottles of water, the cheapest thing she can find but still cannot fill the room.
The second girl brought a perfume, and fill the room with scent.
The third girl brou...

You get to choose between visiting Canada's largest territory, or all the provinces together.

It's either all of it or Nunavut

What'd the Gen Z-er say to the spice shop owner who claimed to have the largest spice plants of anyone around?

I'm here for a good thyme not a long thyme

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