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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

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The Harley, Vaseline, and The Dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.  He doesn't have much luck, until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. 

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. 

It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he  ...

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The Vaseline Biker

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old bi...

My girlfriend gave me a hand job with some vaseline last night, wasn't very good... I didn't finish...

Came 3 times washing the stuff off though.

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A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

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Door to door Vaseline survey

(this might have made more sense back in the days when people actually went door-to-door instead of having everything on the net)

A man knocks on the door of a house, and a lady in her late 20's answers.

"Good afternoon, ma'am, I'm a representative of the Vaseline Petrolium Jelly compa...

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A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door...

...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, w...

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a handjob . .

I came four or five times trying to wash it off.

Did you hear about the newlyweds who mixed up their vaseline and putty?

Their windows fell out.

I'm allergic to vaseline.

Don't rub it in.

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Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house while on his rounds with his questionnaire, and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked the harassed young woman if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his comp...

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A Motorcycle and a jar of Vaseline

Don buys a new motorcycle and before he leaves the seller gives him a jar of Vaseline and tells him to coat the bike with it before it rains to prevent rusting.

Don takes off and and picks up his girlfriend, Susan, and they head to her parents house for dinner. Before they go inside the hous...

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to sch...

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Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?

Because their lips have so many chaps on them!

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If you were camping and woke up in the morning with vaseline between your thighs and butt crack would you tell anyone?

No? Wanna go camping?

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Vaseline

For their 50'th anniversary an industrial grade vaseline company decided to give away $10,000 in prizes to their customers with the most original use for their product. One particular couple stood out from the crowd by far:

Couple: We use it when we have sex. It works amazing.

Company:...

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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.

 

The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline...

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(STORY JOKE) A man goes to buy a used motorcycle from a car lot

As he is wrapping up his purchase, the salesmen hands him a jar of Vaseline and reminds him that there is a leak on the seal of the gas tank lid, and to wipe the seal with Vaseline prior to any kind of rainfall.

On the way home from the car lot, he receives a call from his girlfriend.
...

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A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He doesn't have a car, so he decides to get a bike so he doesn't look like a complete loser.

At the bike shop, the owner holds up some Vaseline and says, "if it ever rains, make sure you put this on the bike to protect it".

...

Many people think the Romans invented Vaseline

That was ancient grease

With Vaseline or without?

skinny white guy gets thrown into jail when this big black dude comes over to him and says "hey kid, it's me and you tonight!", later that night the big black dude rips him a new one.
The next morning, the guy can barely walk when at lunch the black dude comes over to him and says "kid, tonight i...

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New truck

My buddy Frank bought a new truck today and the dealer made sure to mention that if the spark plugs get wet that is wont work. So if you know it's going to rain to be sure to put vaseline on them.

He happened to be going to his girlfriend's parents house for the first time tonight and Shiela ...

Would you tell anyone...?

Friend 1: If you woke up in the middle of the woods feeling sore, groggy, with your pants down around your ankles, and Vaseline smeared all over your rear-end.... would you tell anyone?

Friend 2: Hell no.

Friend 1: Want to go camping?

What do you call the German word for Vaseline?

Derweinerslider

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A Rainy Day.

A woman invites her boyfriend to her house for dinner.
She tells him "Come over for dinner, but just know, there's a huge fight going on at home about who's going to do the dishes, and the dishes haven't been done for like, 20 days. And we've made a pact that the first person to speak in the hou...

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A Rapist breaks into a house

A rapist breaks into a house and ties up the husband and wife. He then kissed the wife's ear and went into the bathroom. The husband said "satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong, love you!!"

The wife answered, "He didnt kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay. He needed vaseline so...

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A man buys a motorcycle

The salesman hands over a tube of vaseline. "If it starts raining, coat your seat with it. It will protect the leather from water damage."

The man decides to take his new motorcycle down some country roads in the middle of nowhere. Several hours from the nearest big city, his new ride breaks ...

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A guy loves motorcycles, especially vintage ones. After years of trying to save money for one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson...

A guy loves motorcycles, especially when it comes to vintage motorcycles. After years of trying to save money in order to buy one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson at a great price. When he saw the motorcycle for the first time, he was stunned because of how clean and bright it was. ...

A married couple was lying in bed when suddenly an intruder enters.

A married couple was lying in bed one night when suddenly an intruder breaks in.

He ties the couple up. He begins to look at the couple. First staring at the husband then staring at the wife. He walks over to the wife, leans his head close to hers, pulls back then walks into the bathroom....

Getting your farts back in...

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly. Every morning, when he awoke, the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning sh...

Prices are going up

Two housewives met in the local supermarket. One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline. She explained, “They are going to raise the price so, I’m stocking up.”

The other woman replied, “I’d never go to such extremes to save money. I’m not that tight.”

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An escaped convict was on the run:

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had managed to break out of prison. 


While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied them to some chairs, across the room from each other.


He went over to th...

A newly wed couple have be living together for a few months.

Every morning the guy wakes up and lets out a long loud fart.

The wife says, “one morning when you wake up you are going to blow out your insides.”

A few months later it’s thanksgiving and the wife is prepping the turkey. With a smirk on her face she takes the turkey guts and goes to...

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Buying a motorcycle...

This guy decides to buy a motorcycle. He looks all through the newspapers and online for the best deal and after a little searching he finds this amazing deal! The bike is a little older but it is in perfect condition, no scrapes or dents, the chrome pieces shine like new, and the leather seat looks...

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A young man has just collected enough money to buy a new vintage motorcycle.

A young man has just collected enough money to buy a new vintage motorcycle, you know, a classic Harley-Davidson, that despite being cheap because it was kind of old, was in a very good condition. So, the young man asks the seller:

\- I'm sorry man, but how have you kept this bike in such goo...

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[Long] Farts and Thanksgiving

John and Susan have been married for many years. Every morning as John woke up, he would let loose the loudest, most foul smelling fart you could imagine. Every morning, Susan would tell John that he was going to blow his guts out of his ass. John would just laugh and continue his morning routine...

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Man goes to buy a house

a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like it is everything he coud want, big, cheap and great view. when they arrive to the bathroom th...

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The Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

Felisberto

One day, Felisberto wanted to buy a motorcycle. His choice was the Harley-Davidson. There was a only a problem - the chrome. The seller advised to use Vaseline to protect it whenever it rained. And so it was. Felisberto, whenever he saw rain, he would smear his motorcycle with Vaseline. Thanks to th...

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"If i took you on a camping trip..."

"... and you woke up the next day with an empty tub of vaseline beside ya and a sore ass. what would you tell people when you got back home?"

when i was told this one i replied "I was never on a camping trip, is what i would tell them"

my friend then replied "Great, lets go camping!"...

My all time favorite joke.

There was once a man who had a wife. Every morning when the man woke up, he would let out a massive amount of gas for as long and as loud as he could. After this issue persisted for a long time, the mans wife began to get very angry at him. She would constantly say, "You're going to blow your guts o...

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A married man farts all the time...

And in one of his particulary explosive bouts of wind, his long suffering wife says the following. "One day you'll fart so hard you'll fart your guts right out!!"

With that, he just pays his wife's words with no heed and goes about his business.

A few days later, after the previous nig...

During a dance at the retirement home...

The local retirement home decided to have a dance for the residents, a sort of a prom. So all the men and women dressed in their best and gathered in the common area.

During the evening, Elmer, an 85 year old stud, spies Mabel, a 68 year old beauty he begins to flirt, and soon asks her back...

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Wash the Dishes

This guy bought a motorcycle from a friend of his. As he was handing over his money the friend gave him a small tube of Vaseline and told him to rub it on the rims when it rained to avoid water stains. He quickly stowed the tube and drove off to meet his girlfriend who was going to introduce him t...

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Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Donald Trump go for a walk in the woods...

...And they get completely lost. They are now wondering through the forest for hours, weather is starting to get worse, night is coming, its getting cold, its not looking good. Sad. When suddenly they spot a light coming from the nearby mountain, so they head on towards it.

When they get ther...

A family of three all refuses to do the dishes. [NSFW]

After having dinner, a family of three, the father, the mother and the daughter, can't decide who should do the dishes. All of them refuse and the father comes up with a competition. The first one to say anything or move has to do all of the dishes. So they sit there, silent and still.

Then,...

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A man buys himself a motorbike one day, as this was a long life dream of his...

The salesman gives him a tip, before letting him take off on his newly acquired vehicle; "if you apply Vaseline on it before it rains, it will protect the shine of the paint." The man stops at a local convenience store, and buys a jar of Vaseline for future use; which he puts inside his jacket's poc...

Roses are red...

Violets are blue

What I thought was Vaseline

Turned out to be glue

My cat had a hairball caught in her throat

It was awful, she couldn't get it out. She'd wander around hacking, trying to get it out. I chatted with a vet about this and he suggested i put vaseline on her front paws. I...uh what? He explained further - vaseline is a non-toxic lubricant. If you put it on her paws, cats hate the feeling and ...

Cowboy walks into a bar

A young cowboy, new to town, walks into the saloon wanting to make an impression. There's a pianist with his back to the cowboy playing a tune. There are two candles on either end of the piano.

The young gun draws quickly and shoots out the candle on the left hand side. The bar goes silent, ...

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New motorcycle

Credit to Bob Zany (I believe). I heard this on the Bob and Tom show this morning. This won't be exactly how he told it but it should be close.

A guy buys a himself a motorcycle from his neighbor. The neighbor tells him that he needs to rub Vaseline over the motorcycle before it rains or it w...

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New bike

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on hi...

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A man goes to buy a motorbike...

A man goes to buy a motorbike before meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He finds an amazing looking model and asks the dealer what the price is. The dealer replies 'It's only $1000, but there's a catch. It's not waterproof. When it rains, you have to rub vaseline over it or it will...

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue ...

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An English guy goes to prison in Russia.

An English guy goes to prison in Russia. His huge Russian cell mate tells him "I'm not going to lie, I'm going to fuck you, only question is, you want it with Vaseline, or without Vaseline?"
The English guy says "if you're going to fuck me, I think I'd prefer with Vaseline"
The Russian leans o...

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A guy and his motorcycle

A guy goes over to his girlfriend's house to have dinner. He has a brand new motorcycle and his friend tells him rubbing Vaseline on it while it rains is really good for the paint and the shine. Anyways, the father tells the boyfriend that they have a family tradition. Whoever talks first has to was...

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!"...

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Steve wants to buy a motorcycle...

...but he doesn't have much money. He finds a second-hand bike for a great deal, but there's a catch; the bike is missing a seal and so Steve has to rub vaseline over the gap whenever it rains.

After buying the bike, Steve rides it over to his girlfriend's house to have dinner with her parent...

Single Ladies.

A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ug...

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A guy wants to buy a new Harley...

A guy wants to buy a new Harley to impress his new girlfriend, (she wants him to impress her parents when he meets them for the first time) so he heads down to the dealership and picks out the one he has been looking at for weeks. The dealer tells him that the chrome is brand new, so to combat rust,...

Oh, Jim...

Jim goes to the Doctors about a rash. "Doc, I've had this rash on my chin for 2 weeks now. I've tried everything; aloe vera, tea tree oil, vaseline. Nothing works."

The Doctor says "Oh I've seen this before"

"You have?"

"Yes. I had the exact same thing last week. I was going dow...

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(NSFW) It was a beautiful day on the beach...

It was a beautiful day on the beach and a gay man was enjoying the weather and sights. Suddenly, he sees a man with the most perfect chest hair that he has ever seen in his life. He works up the courage and asks "Excuse me sir, but how did you get such perfect chest hair?". The gorgeous man respon...

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A biker goes to a Harley shop to purchase a new motorcycle...

...and the salesman catches him browsing the selection of bikes they offer. He focuses on a really nice Harley Davidson with some nice chrome parts. The salesman approaches him and says: "I see you have your eyes on one of our most beautiful machines." "Yeah, this one I wanna buy!". "Excellent choic...

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Do the Dishes

This is one of the better jokes I know;

Steve had wanted a motorcycle all of his life-a Harley Davidson to be exact, and he finally found one after years of saving on craigslist for relatively cheap. He bought it and the only catch was that it was missing the headstock emblem, and when it rai...

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Dishes

Wanting a more adventurous life, Frank decides to buy a Harley Davidson. So he goes to a local Harley dealer to have him informed about the different types.

When he get's to the dealer he immediately spots a beautiful Fat Boy with everything he could ever hoped for, beautiful chrome tailpipes...

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Chest hair

Two gay guys are a happy couple for a couple of years. After those years one of the two guys wants the other to grow some chest hair, because he thinks that's sexy.

So the other guy went to the doctor to ask for something to make chest hair grow faster. The doctor gave him the advice to put s...

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The new motorbike

A guy just bought a new motorbike. While leaving, the salesman tells him to apply vaseline if the bike gets wet the first time. The guy calls his girlfriend to make sure she is home to surprise her with the motorbike.

The whole family of the girlfriend is just about to finish eating dinner a...

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A guy buys his first motorcycle...

the dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to coat the motorcycle in before it rains to prevent rust. Later that week his Girlfriend invites him to have dinner at her house with her parents. Before dinner the girl explains their families tradition that whoever speaks first during dinner ha...

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Dishes

A man is about to have dinner with his girlfriend's parents for the first time, and he wants to impress them. He had been thinking about buying a motorcycle for a while, and he sees an ad in the paper for a used one. He goes to look at it and its in beautiful shape. It runs well and the chrome is as...

Irish Triplets

Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!’

'Ain't dat grand!...

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