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Snakes Jokes

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

What do you call a bunch of snakes in a suit?

No, seriously... I'm new at this job and I don't know how to address an email to the CEO.

Noah and the snakes

According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.

The snakes told Noah “We can’t multiply, we’re adders.”

Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and ...

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

How are snakes dangerous?

They can’t even walk

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[NSFW] What do snakes and condoms have in common?

I don't fuck with either of them.

When snakes do 69...

Do they call it 11?

Two snakes walk into a bar

And the bartender says ,“ how did you even do that " .

What do German snakes say?

"Hiß."

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.

The father: how did you know ?

The kid: my old brother killed a 40-inch-long snake, and everytime he tells the story the snake's length increases by 20 inches.

Two snakes are slithering down the road & chatting.

Snake #1: Oh, boy. I hope I'm not venomous...

Snake #2: Wait, what? Why?

Snake #1: Because I just bit my tongue.

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

What do snakes make when they have allergies?

HISStamine

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

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Two snakes bump into each other after a long time

After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.

The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.

After few weeks they bump into one another again.<...

Snakes can't multiply!

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply".

The ark quickly emptied except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah why, they replied - we can't multiply, we are adders.

Noah immediately got busy cutting down trees and building ...

Difference between a snake and a lawyer?

Snakes don't wear watches

A zookeeper couldn't get his snakes to breed

The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

Why can't Italian snakes talk?

They don't have hands.

Why is weighing snakes so easy?

Because they come with their own scales.

You and me, we're like two snakes tied together

We be long together

I saw a snake in the yard today...

It was a real beast measuring 3.14 meters long! I thought to myself that it must be a Pi-thon...

...but then I remembered, snakes don't have digits!

What do you call it when you have snakes in your pants?

E-Reptile Dysfunction

Why can't you play jokes on snakes?

Because you can never pull their legs.

Why snakes can't rob a bank?

Because they are unarmed

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

TIL that a herpetologist studies diseased snakes, not diseased snakes

I've never put my pants back on that fast in my life

Snakes

Two snakes on the lawn,one says to the other,” are we the kind of snake that bites our prey OR do we crush them”? The other one says “WE CRUSH THEM”. First snake replies “ Thank gawd for that,I’ve just bitten my lip”

VSCO snakes be like

Ssss ssss Sss

How do snakes avoid making babies?

Using an Anacondom.

There were two talking snakes....

....One was American, and the other British. The British one went "sssssssss", hissing as he normally did to the American snake because he was eating too much. The American one then went "No, this is America, we say zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz instead.".

Snakes are misunderstood

Constrictor snakes just want hugs and get carried away and then eat the evidence to stay out of snake prison because they AIN'T GOING BACK.

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

How do you call a fear of snakes?

Common sense.

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Snakes and condoms,

Two things I'll never fuck with.

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

Why are snakes so bad at playing hide-and-seek?

Because of their inability to count.

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they ...

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A snake says to his Mum, are we venomous snakes?

His mum replies no son, Why?

Thank fuck for that, I just bit my tongue.

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

What do two snakes do after fighting?

They hiss and make up

I never understood why people are so scared of snakes

They're completely armless

Two snakes are hanging out, when one asks the other...

"Hey, are we venomous?"

The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."

"Well I hope not," the first snake says, "cus I just bit my tongue."

Snakes on a Plane

I arrived at my friend's house and saw he was watching a movie.

"What are you watching?"

"Snakes on a Plane."

"What's it about?"

"Horses."

He turns away from the screen and looks me straight in the eyes before he continues.

"Horses on boats."

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