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I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper…

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Two snakes bump into each other after a long time

After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.

The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.

After few weeks they bump into one another again.<...

A zookeeper couldn't get his snakes to breed

The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction

What did St Patrick say as he was driving all the snakes out of Ireland?

Are you all right there in the back?

When Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland…

They kept asking “are we there yet?”

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man'...

The teacher was telling us a story about the time when she went camping in the forest with her family and they saw a huge snake, and she asks: do you know why the snake didn't bite? Because....

From the back of the classroom, a student shouts: Because snakes don't bite each other.

What do you call it when you have snakes in your pants?

E-Reptile Dysfunction

You and me, we're like two snakes tied together

We be long together

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

Snakes can't multiply!

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply".

The ark quickly emptied except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah why, they replied - we can't multiply, we are adders.

Noah immediately got busy cutting down trees and building ...

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

Why is weighing snakes so easy?

Because they come with their own scales.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

A group of cows is called a herd; what do you call a group of snakes?

A tangle.

What's worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

A divine mathematical story

After creating the world, the Lord looked at it and he said to the animals "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, please forgive us, we cannot do as you command, for we are adders".

The Lord turned to the trees and said "Fall over and build furniture from y...

Why can't Italian snakes talk?

They don't have hands.

Why can't you play jokes on snakes?

Because you can never pull their legs.

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

Samuel L. Jackson is going to be playing St. Patrick in a new movie.

His first job will be to get some Snakes off a plain.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

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[NSFW] What do snakes and condoms have in common?

I don't fuck with either of them.

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

“Everyone got seat belts on back there?”

How do you call a fear of snakes?

Common sense.

Why snakes can't rob a bank?

Because they are unarmed

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

I never understood why people are so scared of snakes

They're completely armless

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

Two snakes are slithering through the desert....

One named Fred, and one named Henry.
Henry turns to Fred and says: “Fred, are we the kind of sssssnakes that kill by consssstriction or we the kind of sssssnake that kill with a deadly venomousssss bite?”
Fred thinks about it for a second and reply’s “Henry, we are the kind of sssssnakes t...

Why are snakes so bad at playing hide-and-seek?

Because of their inability to count.

How do snakes avoid making babies?

Using an Anacondom.

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

Pet store joke. This one is at least a half century old, but fwiw, I don't remember seeing it here yet...

A woman goes by a pet store and sees a sign saying "We specialize in the rare and unusual." Curious, she steps inside, and casually passes by the almost-usual: snakes, ferrets, tarantulas, macaws. She then notices a steel cage at the back of the store with a terrier-sized furry indistinct animal ...

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A snake says to his Mum, are we venomous snakes?

His mum replies no son, Why?

Thank fuck for that, I just bit my tongue.

Two snakes are talking

Snake 1: Hey, are we venomous?

Snake 2: No, Why?

Snake 1: I bit my toungue

I went to the doctor to see why I had such a big fear of snakes...

He said I have a reptile dysfunction.

Two snakes are hanging out, when one asks the other...

"Hey, are we venomous?"

The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."

"Well I hope not," the first snake says, "cus I just bit my tongue."

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

There were two talking snakes....

....One was American, and the other British. The British one went "sssssssss", hissing as he normally did to the American snake because he was eating too much. The American one then went "No, this is America, we say zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz instead.".

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