UPJOKE
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Listened Jokes

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just listened to a Michael Jackson album

It was Bad to be honest

People these days think all kids in the 90s listened to boomboxes.

That’s just a stereotype.

I wish I'd listened to what my parents told me when I was young...

other person: What did they tell you?



Me: I don't know, I didn't listen

Have you listened to Beethoven's song about bad decisions?

It's so not a good idea

I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.

Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.

I listened to the traffic report this morning...

They said that someone on the highway was driving in the wrong direction... I looked out the window... they were all driving in the wrong direction!

My girlfriend told me I listened to too much Linkin Park

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

I should have listened to my dad that day.

Friend : What did he say ?

The guy in title : I have no idea , I didn't listen to him

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

Now that I’ve gone back and listened to the 90s Fresh Prince theme song…

That track really slaps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I listened to too much phone sex...

Now I have hearing aids.

Bob:... "I really should have listened to the advice my old man gave me."

Tom..... "Why - what advice did he give you?"

Bob:.... "I don't know - I didn't listen."

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

"Man, if I had listened my father when I was 8, I could've been rich today"

Friend: What did he say?

Me: I dunno, I didn't listen.



Heard that on the radio today

I finally listened to my mom, and took the road less traveled.

I totally missed all the signs about the freeway still being under construction.

Listen

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the...

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

In the past people listened to prophets

Now they listen to profits

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jewish friend sent this to me

A jewish guy sends his son to Israel, and he comes back home christian. The man thinks this is odd so he tells his friend about it.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel when he was Jewish and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them wen...

I can't remember the last time I listened to Staind

but its been awhile.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I listened to a cover of "Pony" the other day.

It was good and all, but it just wasn't Genuwine.

I went to my blonde doctor to ask what was wrong with me

I sat in the blonde doctor's office and told her I was feeling tired and short of breath. She took out her stethoscope, placed it against my chest and listened for a moment.

"You have an iron deficiency.", she said

"You can tell that just from listening to my heartbeat?", I asked.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed....

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dadd...

If we had listened to Trump, we could have saved more people from the Dracula.

He did tell us to stop The Count.

I listened to a speech from Trump this morning apologizing for his wrongdoings and taking responsibility...

That was the weirdest dream ever, man.

I once listened to very loud music for too long

My ear still hertz

I listened to our house for ten seconds.

It was a moment of madness.

My wife left me because I never listened to her

Not sure though but I think that's the reason

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar...

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

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