My favorite Lent joke (as told to me by an Episcopal reverend)

A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood. It's a pretty open-minded and welcoming community, and everyone gets along great.

The first time an issue presents itself is when Lent rolls around. During Lent, the Catholics in the neighborhood all swear off red meat. Every day at lunch, h...

Why can't muggers catch Catholics during Lent?

They fast.

If Mississippi lent Missouri her New Jersey, what did Delaware?

I don’t know; Alaska

It started to rain suddenly so I lent this attractive young woman my umbrella.

That takes the total number of hot girls I have made wet this year to minus one.

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My wife once gave up sex for lent

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday

What’s the only meat a priest can eat during Lent?[NSFW]

*Nun*

A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars

The blind man said:
I’ll pay my debt when I see you.

The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:
The surgery went well!

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A guy asks his wife for sex, and she replies, "I can't, it's Lent."

Furious, he yells, "to whom and for how long?!"

Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he'd sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

"Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were t...

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

If Wilson lent Tom Hanks $20...

Tom Hanks would be Owen Wilson.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

A friend lent me his movie collection...

I thought of watching Yesterday today, then 28 Days Later. Then I could watch The Day After Tomorrow, though that might be better tomorrow. I'd like to finish before sunrise. I haven't finished Before Sunrise, and I haven't seen Me Before You before, but I think I won't watch it; I'll watch It inste...

Late Lent/Easter Joke

Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forb...

Death is the only certainty in life

"There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She ...

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks wer...

I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora...

It means a lot

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Al Capone summons a man he lent money to

Al Capone gets his thugs to bring a man to him who has stolen $50,000 from him. Unfortunately the man speaks a language Al Capone, nor his thugs understand so they have to get a translator.

Al Capone tells the translator, 'ask him where the money is'
'Where is the money' the translator say...

Thank God lent is over....

not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking.

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I lent my deck of cards to an this idiot I work with, and he gave me only 51 back.

He was a jack-off.

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I’ve been trying to give up cursing for Lent.

Let’s just say that, so far, it’s been a fucking disaster.

So a Catholic walks into a bar.... during Lent[Long] [Cultural context wise kinda inappropriate given the season]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; wouldn’t you ra...

I'm giving up negativity for lent.

We'll see how long that lasts.

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Lent

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.

In tears, she...

My favorite Lent joke

An atheist named John lived in a small Christian village. During lent on every Friday he would grill a deer and the whole village could smell it.

After a few years the village elders got together and said this has to stop and they need to convert John.

The elders eventually convince ...

Lent

My wife gave up intercourse for lent. I wish she would have told me. I might have joined her.

In honor of Lent . . .

It was a young couple's wedding night and as the night wore on the bride grew more and more anxious to consumate their marriage. Finally she said, "Um, honey? It's getting late and aren't we going to - well - do it?" "I can't," said her husband, "it's Lent." "It's lent?!" she exclaimed. "That's...

The Irishman and the three beers.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.



The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.



An hour later, the man has finished the three beers ...

What did Harry say to Hermione when she lent him a galleon?

Thanks for the gold kind Granger!

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

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I was going to give up sexual innuendo for Lent.

But it was too hard.

There's a joke in there somewhere about keeping the Lent in VaLENTine's...

...but I gave up trying to find it.

My mate lent me $5,000 to produce my idea of a fruit-based torch, then took all credit.

He stole my limelight.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery

Now I don’t know what he looks like.

I think my wife is overdoing her lent observance.

She won't even toss my salad.

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Irishman walks into a bar in the states and walks to the Bar and orders 3 pints...

And the bartender says, i’m sorry sir here in the states we can only serve you one at a time. The Irishman responds by explaining “you see it comes from when me and me’ two brothers left the old country to different parts of the world, and we said every Saturday we would enter a pub and order 3 pint...

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

What is the Catholic Church giving up for Lent?

Answer: The Pope!

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I gave up cursing for lent

The next day I went over to confession and told my priest, "I hope I don't fuck this shit up."

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A penitent man decided to give up sex for Lent...

A penitent man decided to give up sex for the Lenten season. His wife was not informed of this situation, however. One the second night after Ash Wednesday, she showed some interest in relations. Rebuffing her advances he said, "I'm sorry, honey--I can't. It's Lent."

Angrily, she replied, "T...

A priest is walking down the street when a man pushes him into an alleyway and points a gun at him.

"Give me all your money or I'll shoot you."

The priest opens his jacket to grab his wallet and the man sees his collar.

"Oh, I'm sorry Father, I wouldn't have robbed you if I knew you were a priest."

The priest then asks, "I'm sorry, I don't have any money, but may I offer you a...

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

I gave up cleaning the dryer filter...

...for lent.

Have you found Jesus?

Because I lent him a 100 bucks a couple of weeks ago and he's been avoiding me since then.

I'm giving up self control for lent

It's going to be so hard!

I asked my friend what he gave up for lent...

He said Christianity.

I tried giving up erections for lent...

but it got pretty hard.

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A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth.

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm gong to screw that hostess".

Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell the pilo...

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days

Excellent.

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 beers.

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 beers.
The man drinks both and leaves the bar.
The next day the man orders two more beers and the bartender asks why he keeps ordering two beers at a time.
The man replies, "I order one for me and one for my brother in Ireland".
And so the man keeps...

The saying “never lend your books, you’ll never get them back” is true

I know this because my library is full of books that other folks have lent me

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A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar

A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar. The barman looks up at them and says they only have alcoholic drinks today.

"Then I shall have to leave," States the Muslim "I am not allowed to drink alcohol due to my religion."

"I shall also have to leave," Says the Christian "I am of...

Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's going to be Excel Lent

Dad, what are mixed feelings?

Johnny asked his father. "Dad, what are ‘mixed feelings". Johnny's dad thinks for a while before replying " It is like when I lent your car to my mother-in-law, and she falls down a cliff.

What do you guys think of my idea to abstain from working with spreadsheets for 40 days before Easter?

Because personally, I think it's Excel Lent.

Return on investment

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny t...

A man walks into a bar......

An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the th...

Once upon a time, a King wanted to have some fun...

.... He went on a podium and said loudly: "I will give half of my fortune to anyone who manages to tell me a lie that I, myself, admit that it's a lie."

An old man walked to the King and said: "I can draw rainbows wherever I want."

The King replied: "That's true, I saw you making one y...

Moderation is a very good thing!

It's so good, in fact, that I've given it up for Lent.

My friend Mitchell is a magician...

My friend Mitchell is a magician. I lent him a rabbit for one of his magic shows a few weeks back. My wife and I invited him over for dinner lastnight, and as he pulled up into the driveway, I turned to my wife and said...




“Mitch better have my bunny.”




This is m...

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding,Sophie was getting dressed,surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she’d forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately...

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

I gave my friend some cash yesterday, he says he'll return it at Easter...

I'm a bit out of pocket, but I'm glad I Lent him the money.

Unfaithful Husband

A wife was beginning to suspect that her husband had become unfaithful, coming home at odd hours of the night with the excuse that he was out playing cards with friends.


One night the couple had plans for a masquerade party, but as the husband was getting ready the wife mentioned that she...

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A young married couple decides to join a church...

They attend a few introductory classes and meet with the pastor, who will decide whether they'll be approved for membership.

The pastor says, "Well, as you may have heard, we take fasting pretty seriously here. And Lent is just around the corner. I'd like to ask you to do something that may s...

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The Loan

Bob lent Bill $1000. Today Bill arrives at Bob's door. It's 10 am on a Saturday. Bob's wife answers wearing only a bra and panties. Bill looks her up and down and says, if you drop your top I will give you $250 in cash. She pauses for a moment to think it through and whips it off. Bill counts out ...

My friend always takes a a bunch of molly during the weeks leading up to Easter

He’s a lent roller

When is the best time to run a marathon?

During Lent. That's when you fast.

Mike Tyson had something to tell me...

So I lent him an ear.

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull.

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take ...

What's Donald Trump giving up for Lent this year?

Your grandparents.

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

Irish guy in a pub...

Irish guy named Shaughn walks into a bar in County Clare. He orders three beers, sits by himself, and drinks them. The pub keeper thinks it is strange but doesn't say anything. He does this every afternoon for the next 6 months. He comes in, orders three beers, and drinks them by himself. Finally th...

When my granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I can still remember the very first thing I said to him.

“Have you got that five grand I lent you?”

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It's Saturday morning at Cathy & Bill's home.

They live in a cul-de-sac. After Bill jumps into the shower, the door bell chimes. Cathy answers it in her pajamy-wams to find their neighbor Bob standing there. He gives her a long look up and down and says "You know, if you take off your top off, I will give you $500." Cathy thinks it over and che...

Sean Connery's doctor told him...

...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. "Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."

The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days.

"How was it?" the doctor asked.

Sean Connery smiled. "Eggshell-Lent!"

A Catholic, a Hindu and a Muslim go out to a restaurant.

When they've all decided on their meals they call a waiter over to the table.

"I would like the boef bourginon, please," says the Catholic,

"but as it is Lent, please do not cook it with wine."


The Hindu orders next. "I would like the lasagne, but please make sure it is mad...

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So a man is a little drunk at the bar

And he has decided that he's feeling a little randy, and there is a prostitute at the same bar that he wants to approach. So he asks his buddy for 20$, then goes and approaches the girl. He asks her how much to get laid, and she says "100$". He frowns, knowing that he doesn't have that much and i...

There was once this farmer who was obsessed with tractors.

And this farmer was really into them. He constantly upgraded his own, borrowed and lent multiple ones and bought and sold a lot.
But one day, he fell off his tractor while it was running, and it crushed his leg to bits.
After this, he was furious. He sold his tractor and told himself to never ...

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The Story of Jack

Jack was an Irish immigrant who came to America several years ago.

One day Jack goes to mow the lawn only to find the the lawn mower is broken. He tells his wife that he's going to billys house to ask if he can borrow his lawn mower.

"He wont lend ya the mower" says his wife.
...

Rick Astley is a bad Catholic

He won’t even give you up during Lent.

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An Irishman walks into a cozy Brooklyn pub....

And he nods to the bartender.

"What can I getcha?"

The Irishman says, "Three pints of Guinness please."

"Sure thing, I'll pour this first one, just lemme know when you're ready for beer number two."

"No, no," says the Irishman, "If it's not a problem, just pour all three...

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A priest goes into a tattoo parlor (NSFW)

And says that he wants to get a tattoo of a fish on his penis. The tattoo artist is taken aback, but agrees to do the tattoo. When the tattoo artist is almost done, he says to the priest, "Father, I'm sorry, I just have to ask- why a tattoo of a fish on your penis??"

The priest calmly rep...

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