I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991

You were too lazy to read that number.

Someone called me lazy today

I almost replied...

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

What's with the hate towards lazy people?

They haven't done anything!

Why don’t people make jokes about lazy people?

Because they don’t work

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

I just broke up with my lazy gym buddy.

Didn’t work out.

What did the lazy algorithm say to the next iteration upon receiving an interim result?

Calc you later!

My parents called me lazy

I don't get it I didn't even do anything

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

Yo momma is so lazy...

Yo momma is so lazy that when she died and went to heaven, god told her to climb the stairway to enter and she said no.
So then god sent her to hell.

--

My younger son is on a yo momma joke kick right now in life and said this one to me in the car. I know it's a terrible yo momma ...

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

What do you call a country full of lazy people?

A procrastination

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do lazy fishermen and porn studios have in common?

They both use casting couches.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

Hear about the teacher with two lazy eyes?

Didn't last more then a day, couldn't control his pupils.

I’m extremely lazy... When Daylight Savings time arrives, instead of resetting my clocks...

I just do math for 8 months.

And I think a lot of other people do it too lol

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Country wisdom

A lazy bird waited to fly south until the first snow began to blast in. As he flew his wings began to ice and alas, our hero fell from the sky and he thought to himself 'I was lazy. I guess I deserve this. ' as luck would have it he landed plop! In farmer John's manure pile where he had just mucked ...

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

Yo momma is so lazy

She took 9 months to deliver the joke

I learned the hard way not to discuss politics around a lazy Susan

All of a sudden the whole table just turned on me

Describe yourself with three words

Lazy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jew is on his deathbed. He gathered his three sons and says to them:

\- My children, I have always appreciated the ability to rest, and I will give my inheritance to the laziest of you. My eldest son, come to me.

\- Yes, dad.

\- If you were walking down the street and saw a wad of $100 bills, what would you do?

\- I would walk past them.

\...

3 jokes instead of 3 layers of cake. Let's go!

What is at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Where are all average things made?
The Satisfactory

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly Squats

Enjoy!

My Tibetan friend is soo lazy.

I always see Himalayan there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just lying down on my bed surfing reddit when my mom came into my room and scolded me for being a useless lazy bum

I am not going to take that lying down, so i stood up

What do you call a lazy space explorer?

A procrastronaut

There was once a very lazy man

This man was so lazy eventually his father has enough. He put him in a sack and dragged him down to the river and was about to throw him in when a passerby noticed. "What're you doing with this man?" He asked. "He's very lazy he doesn't do anything I've had it with taking care of him and feeding him...

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A Laotian businessman opened a small shop in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotian immigrants in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were rowdy an...

I’m not lazy

I have restful leg syndrome

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

Like a lazy tailor would say...

Suit yourself.

What is the rapper name of Jay-Z's lazy brother?

Lay-Z

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband gets home and tells his wife

"quick, get me a beer before it starts."

She gets the beer. He chugs it and says "quick, get me another before it starts."

She obliges. Husband again chugs it and says "quick, get me another beer before it starts."

The wife replies "if you want another beer you lazy bastar...

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

Too lazy for a title

There is absolutely no excuse for laziness

But if you find one let me know

My wife is leaving me because I'm too lazy. "Pack your bags and go," she said..

"You pack them." I replied.

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

Why did the lazy eyed teacher get fired?

because he couldn’t keep his pupils in check

What do lazy cannibals eat?

The vegetables.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

Made up an absolutely horrible joke this morning. It needs work tough like my lazy uncle Mike.

I got in a fight with my Girlfriend this morning because I forgot to cut up her breakfast for her. She just go home from the hospital cause last week she was in a horrible car accident she lost an arm, broke her leg and is going to be in a wheel chair for the foreseeable future to be honest I'm jus...

I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.

It's not like I did anything.

The people who create math worksheets are so lazy.

They create a bunch of problems and expect other people to solve it for them.

Why do my parents get mad at me when I'm being lazy in my room all day?

I mean come on, I didn't even do anything

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.

It's because they have no drive.

I'm super lazy today....

Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

Today we buried our lazy teacher.

We put him in an unmarked grave.

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

What did the lazy dog say when Shrek surprised him?

Oh, grr.

Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...

but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

Why do lazy archaeologists love deep penetrating radar?

Because they can just LIDAR and take it.

An American and a Soviet general are at the UN and are bragging about who has the best soldiers.

The American says: "We train our men hard; our boys march 100 miles a day in basic training". The Russian says "Da, so what? Our soldiers march 200 miles a day and double on weekends".

The American retorts "Well... when our GIs march they do it carrying 90lb packs without so much as a complai...

My ophthalmologist told me I have a lazy eye

I am glad he didn’t discovered about the rest of my body.

My lazy neighbor is retiring and joining a nudist colony...

...he said he just wanted a place where he could hang out.

Many years ago, there was a very lazy fencing duellist

In one of his most notable bouts, against the Marquis of Mod, his opponent noticed a very glaring pattern.

Upon exploiting this weakness and winning the duel, the Marquis approached the lazy duellist and questioned his methods-

"Why, may I ask, do you always seem to attack upon compl...

Why can’t people with a lazy eye be teachers?

They can’t control their pupils!

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted "YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY"

I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley!

If laziness was an Olympic sport...

I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium.

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy

I loved that wheelchair.

What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?

Brace yourself.

I don't hate lazy people anymore.

Found someone else who does it for me.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.

I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German truck driver is sitting in a Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are.

He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days."

A drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in...

There is one thing I hate about lazy and entitled cannibals

They're always looking for handouts.

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

Why are some rocks so lazy?

They live a sedimentary lifestyle.

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!

The lazy composer was a busy man

as he had several scores to settle

If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy

I'd have enough money to not need a job

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