I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

I just broke up with my lazy gym buddy.

Didn’t work out.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

Why do everyone hate lazy people

I mean we didn’t do anything

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Husband gets home and tells his wife

"quick, get me a beer before it starts."

She gets the beer. He chugs it and says "quick, get me another before it starts."

She obliges. Husband again chugs it and says "quick, get me another beer before it starts."

The wife replies "if you want another beer you lazy bastar...

Yo momma is so lazy

She took 9 months to deliver the joke

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

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What do lazy fishermen and porn studios have in common?

They both use casting couches.

Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

There was once a very lazy man

This man was so lazy eventually his father has enough. He put him in a sack and dragged him down to the river and was about to throw him in when a passerby noticed. "What're you doing with this man?" He asked. "He's very lazy he doesn't do anything I've had it with taking care of him and feeding him...

What do you call a country full of lazy people?

A procrastination

What do you call a lazy space explorer?

A procrastronaut

I’m not lazy

I have restful leg syndrome

The interviewer asked me, “Describe yourself in three words.”

“Lazy.”

My Tibetan friend is soo lazy.

I always see Himalayan there.

People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.

They haven’t done anything!

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I was just lying down on my bed surfing reddit when my mom came into my room and scolded me for being a useless lazy bum

I am not going to take that lying down, so i stood up

I was born with a lazy eye...

...and it spread to the rest of my body.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

Too lazy for a title

There is absolutely no excuse for laziness

But if you find one let me know

Made up an absolutely horrible joke this morning. It needs work tough like my lazy uncle Mike.

I got in a fight with my Girlfriend this morning because I forgot to cut up her breakfast for her. She just go home from the hospital cause last week she was in a horrible car accident she lost an arm, broke her leg and is going to be in a wheel chair for the foreseeable future to be honest I'm jus...

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Experience and wisdom can't be beaten

Due to his owner's negligence, an old dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa.

Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. ...

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato

My wife is leaving me because I'm too lazy. "Pack your bags and go," she said..

"You pack them." I replied.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

Why did the lazy eyed teacher get fired?

because he couldn’t keep his pupils in check

Remember that every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person

Stay lazy, my friends

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

What is the rapper name of Jay-Z's lazy brother?

Lay-Z

I'm so lazy...

I don't even finish my

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

Like a lazy tailor would say...

Suit yourself.

What do lazy cannibals eat?

The vegetables.

During rainy days, I and my lazy dog are competing who sleeps the deepest and the longest.

I am the underdog in this fight.

Today we buried our lazy teacher.

We put him in an unmarked grave.

The people who create math worksheets are so lazy.

They create a bunch of problems and expect other people to solve it for them.

I wanted to do a joke on time travel...

But I'm too lazy, I'll do it yesterday

Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...

but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.

Why do my parents get mad at me when I'm being lazy in my room all day?

I mean come on, I didn't even do anything

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.

It's because they have no drive.

What did the lazy dog say when Shrek surprised him?

Oh, grr.

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Barnyard antijokes, written by an AI

Q:
What's the difference between a horse and a duck?

A:
A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q:
Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?

A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

Q:
How much is a cow worth?

Answer:
100 Pounds.

Q: ...

An old granny and her grand daughter are chatting about granpa

-Did you love him, granma?
-Oh yes, i loved him so much. He was all my life, even tough he was so lazy.
-How come?
-You see, everytime there was something not working, he would never do anything about It. "Al, the sink Is broken." "Do i look like a plumber?" He would reply. "Hon, a brick fe...

My lazy neighbor is retiring and joining a nudist colony...

...he said he just wanted a place where he could hang out.

I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.

It's not like I did anything.

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

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A Laotian businessman opened a small store in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotians in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were a bit rowdy and so...

I'm super lazy today....

Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

My ophthalmologist told me I have a lazy eye

I am glad he didn’t discovered about the rest of my body.

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy

I loved that wheelchair.

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My son, 9 years old told me these jokes on different days and I wrote them all down as he told them.

What did the the dancer say when he found proof:

he found evi-dance

What did the lazy person buy at the store?

A Nap-kin

What is a goldfishes favorite story?

Goldilocks

What did the musician say when he was safe?

I’m safe and SOUND.

What do bu...

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television,and tells his wife,“Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says,“Get me another beer before it starts.”She looks cross,but fetches anothe...

Why do lazy archaeologists love deep penetrating radar?

Because they can just LIDAR and take it.

Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted "YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY"

I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley!

What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?

Brace yourself.

What do you call a woman with a lazy eye?

Eileen

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How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

I don't hate lazy people anymore.

Found someone else who does it for me.

What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

Thanks to COVID-19, this is the first year I've not been able to run the London Marathon owing to lockdown.

Every other year it's been because I'm overweight, can't run, and am too lazy to even try.

Many years ago, there was a very lazy fencing duellist

In one of his most notable bouts, against the Marquis of Mod, his opponent noticed a very glaring pattern.

Upon exploiting this weakness and winning the duel, the Marquis approached the lazy duellist and questioned his methods-

"Why, may I ask, do you always seem to attack upon compl...

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It's funniest if you look up the verses yourself

A pastor has just moved to a new town, and the day before services, he goes around visiting members of his new congregation. He comes to one house and knocks... no answer. He rings the doorbell... no answer... but he can tell someone is home, so he pulls out a card and writes on the back, *Revelatio...

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!

Why can’t people with a lazy eye be teachers?

They can’t control their pupils!

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.

I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.

There is one thing I hate about lazy and entitled cannibals

They're always looking for handouts.

Why was the mini golf champ lazy?

He has no drive

Why are some rocks so lazy?

They live a sedimentary lifestyle.

The devil is rather bored. It's been a while since he's been up to some mischief...

So he picks a small countryside church to terrorize. He rolls in through the open door on a cloud of brimstone and dark lightning. The entire congregation scatters, save for the Pastor and an elderly farmer sitting in one corner chewing on a piece of straw. He is piqued, and wanders over to the farm...

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Fat Joe is having trouble losing weight and he hears about a new extreme workout.

He goes to the place and the man in charge leads him to a large circular room in which is a naked, beautiful woman with sign on her that reads "If you catch me, you can fuck me."

After many long tries, he eventually loses weight, catches her, and gets to enjoy a bit of the old in-out, in-out....

The lazy composer was a busy man

as he had several scores to settle

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

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A German truck driver is sitting in a Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are.

He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days."

A drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in...

If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy

I'd have enough money to not need a job

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