UPJOKE
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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Why do we feel a need to call people out for being lazy?

It's not like they did anything.

Someone called me lazy today

I almost replied...

My dog is so lazy!

He doesn't run after cars like other dogs. He stands on the sidewalk and takes the license plate numbers.

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

I was in a lazy person contest

I won by default because my opponent didn’t even come.

Lazy farmhands

Three farmers were talking. "You would not believe how lazy my latest farmhand is." one said. "Come watch."

They went to his house and saw a sleeping man. "Hey Joe" his master called. "What? Is it dinner time?" the farmhand replied, then turned around and went back to sleep.

"Ha, that ...

I wanted to make a joke about lazy people

But I don’t think it would’ve worked.

Local grocery store checkout workers are ignorant, lazy, smelly …

That’s the last time I use the self-checkout lane

what do you call a lazy kangaroo?

>!a pouch potato!<

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Be afraid, very afraid

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked,

\- "Mrs. Jones, do you know ...

I don’t get why my girlfriend calls me lazy

I didn’t even do anything

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991

You were too lazy to read that number.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me:

"I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

My wife didn't leave me because I'm lazy, overweight and jobless. She left me because I don't know anything about baseball.

That was strike four.

Kids from this new generation are just lazy, can’t do anything for themselves, cry all the time, and expect other people to do everything for them.

My daughter is already doing this and she’s only three months old.

When it comes to fact-checking, journalists are lazy.

Source: Wikipedia.

So I was at my local store...

So I was at my local store and watched the bag packer bring an old ladies groceries out to her car. When I got to the checkout I said, "can you carry my groceries out to my car?". The bag packer said, "sure sir, why not".

We traveled across the car park and when we arrived at my car I said, "...

I have a girlfriend with a lazy eye. She's the best.

Whenever I make a mistake she always looks the other way.

An american tourist is visiting Paris

He takes a taxi for a ride around the city, sees Notre Dame cathedral and asks the driver:



\-What's that ?



\-Notre Dame cathedral.



\-How long did it take to build it ?



\-I don't know, 50 years maybe ?



\-Oh my god, that's s...

I drink beer because I'm too lazy to walk

They say you should walk 10000 steps, the AA only requires 12

Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny was a lazy student and was failing Math badly. His parents had enough of this, so they pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home and not a word, and headed up to his bedroom to do his Math homework. He was up there...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒌𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝑻𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒐𝒊𝒔𝒆… 𝑺𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒛𝒊𝒏𝒈...

People are so lazy

They don’t even copy and paste good jokes anymore.

You wanna know how lazy I am?

Ahh, never mind.

I don't get how someone can hate on lazy people...

...they didn't do anything

Exam

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you're jus...

Why can’t your trust dating a person with a lazy eye ?

Cuz you’d always have to worry they would be seeing someone on the side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

went to the self help group "Lazy Bastards Anonymous"

No one was there.

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff

As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing but leaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily:
\-“How much do you make a Week?”
\-“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out th...

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Porn Joke

Why did the lazy pornstar get fired?

She wasn't coming on time.
He wasn't working hard enough.

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

I just broke up with my lazy gym buddy.

Didn’t work out.

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A man’s grandfather dies

A man’s grandfather dies and leaves him a farm. But he doesn’t have any animals. He goes for a walk and sees a sign that says animals for sale. He walks up and says I’d like a hen. The guy says alright we don’t call them hens we call em pullets. What else do you need? I need a donkey he says ok but ...

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I was sitting quietly in my armchair contemplating life last night. I shouts to the missus "when I die I'm going to leave everything to you love".

She shouted back "you already do ya lazy bastard"

What did the lazy algorithm say to the next iteration upon receiving an interim result?

Calc you later!

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There was this construction worker

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sig...

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What do lazy fishermen and porn studios have in common?

They both use casting couches.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

What happened to the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac, lazy, dumb, Reddit /jokes poster?

She stayed up all night reposting that there really isn’t an Ogd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cow gets stolen from a family…

The mother cries to her three sons, “Boys! Some prick has stolen our cow!”

The first son says, “If it’s a prick, it must be someone from Randville”

The second son, “If it’s someone from Randville, they must be short”

The third son, “If it’s someone short from Randville, it must ...

Like a lazy tailor would say...

Suit yourself.

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I was just lying down on my bed surfing reddit when my mom came into my room and scolded me for being a useless lazy bum

I am not going to take that lying down, so i stood up

I was born with a lazy eye...

...and it spread to the rest of my body.

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

Yo momma is so lazy...

Yo momma is so lazy that when she died and went to heaven, god told her to climb the stairway to enter and she said no.
So then god sent her to hell.

--

My younger son is on a yo momma joke kick right now in life and said this one to me in the car. I know it's a terrible yo momma ...

I’ve been clean for 237 days

Today I feel too lazy to take a shower.

Hear about the teacher with two lazy eyes?

Didn't last more then a day, couldn't control his pupils.

What do you call a lazy space explorer?

A procrastronaut

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

I learned the hard way not to discuss politics around a lazy Susan

All of a sudden the whole table just turned on me

My wife said I'm lazy...

I almost told her how wrong she is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

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A man comes back home from work.

Sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looks a little confused, but brings him his beer.

As soon as he's done, he yells at his wife again:,,Hurry, bring me another beer. It's gonna start any second now!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

My Tibetan friend is soo lazy.

I always see Himalayan there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.

It's not like I did anything.

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

Why do my parents get mad at me when I'm being lazy in my room all day?

I mean come on, I didn't even do anything

If laziness was an Olympic sport...

I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium.

Why can’t people with a lazy eye be teachers?

They can’t control their pupils!

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

My wife is leaving me because I'm too lazy. "Pack your bags and go," she said..

"You pack them." I replied.

What is the rapper name of Jay-Z's lazy brother?

Lay-Z

There was once a very lazy man

This man was so lazy eventually his father has enough. He put him in a sack and dragged him down to the river and was about to throw him in when a passerby noticed. "What're you doing with this man?" He asked. "He's very lazy he doesn't do anything I've had it with taking care of him and feeding him...

Too lazy for a title

There is absolutely no excuse for laziness

But if you find one let me know

Why did the lazy eyed teacher get fired?

because he couldn’t keep his pupils in check

Made up an absolutely horrible joke this morning. It needs work tough like my lazy uncle Mike.

I got in a fight with my Girlfriend this morning because I forgot to cut up her breakfast for her. She just go home from the hospital cause last week she was in a horrible car accident she lost an arm, broke her leg and is going to be in a wheel chair for the foreseeable future to be honest I'm jus...

Today we buried our lazy teacher.

We put him in an unmarked grave.

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