I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

What type of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.

It's because they have no drive.

The people who create math worksheets are so lazy.

They create a bunch of problems and expect other people to solve it for them.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

I broke up with my lazy-eyed girlfriend today.

I heard she was seeing people on the side.

Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted "YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY"

I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley!

What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?

Brace yourself.

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

Why do my parents get mad at me when I'm being lazy in my room all day?

I mean come on, I didn't even do anything

I don't hate lazy people anymore.

Found someone else who does it for me.

Please stop the hate on the lazy people

They didn’t do anything at all

My lazy neighbor is retiring and joining a nudist colony...

...he said he just wanted a place where he could hang out.

Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...

but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.

What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student?

You! Shall! Not! Pass!

What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

The lazy composer was a busy man

as he had several scores to settle

I'm super lazy today....

Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

My ophthalmologist told me I have a lazy eye

I am glad he didn’t discovered about the rest of my body.

Like a lazy tailor would say...

Suit yourself.

Lazy people

Statistics show that there are exactly 87345091

lazy people in the world who even didnt read the entire number.

Dont go back you're one of them now!

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.

I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.

Why was the mini golf champ lazy?

He has no drive

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

Many years ago, there was a very lazy fencing duellist

In one of his most notable bouts, against the Marquis of Mod, his opponent noticed a very glaring pattern.

Upon exploiting this weakness and winning the duel, the Marquis approached the lazy duellist and questioned his methods-

"Why, may I ask, do you always seem to attack upon compl...

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people,

94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

Let's Pretend

At one night, a priest and a nun decided to get out of the convent together. They were looking for somewhere to pass the night, until they found a little hut, which only had a double bed and a wardrobe with some blankets. The priest asked the nun:

\- Should we sleep here?

\- Yes - the ...

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How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Why do lazy archaeologists love deep penetrating radar?

Because they can just LIDAR and take it.

There is one thing I hate about lazy and entitled cannibals

They're always looking for handouts.

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Lazy is a very strong word!

I prefer to call it Selective Participation

I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.

It's not like I did anything.

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My wife is carrying our first child…

He’s 8, the lazy little fucker!

Lazy asses!! Thug Life.

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?  - Oh Harry, that would be lovely!  - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

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My wife told me to do the god damned dishes

This happened awhile back when I was still married.

I was playing video games when my wife told me to get my lazy ass into the kitchen to do the god damned dishes

Awhile later she came back and freaked out when she saw I hadn't done any of the dishes.

I calmly explained to her t...

Lazy people find the most strangest reasons not to do something.

I would make a list but, it's Monday and I just fed the cats.

What do you call a country full of lazy people?

A procrastination

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

I’ve heard that ‘obsessed’ is a word lazy people use to describe ‘dedication.’

But I would never call my wife lazy.

Why are some rocks so lazy?

They live a sedimentary lifestyle.

People from the neighborhood were complaining that their mailman was being super lazy.

He was making all the babies, but the doctor was doing all of the deliveries.

Why can’t people with a lazy eye be teachers?

They can’t control their pupils!

My wife said I'm lazy...

I almost told her how wrong she is.

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

What kind of award do you get for being really lazy?

Atrophy.

National stereotypes are lazy.

Just like the French.

When I was in school, the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy...

...I loved that wheelchair.

If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy

I'd have enough money to not need a job

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

I value simplicity above all in my life

Maybe that's just because I'm lazy

I'm so lazy.

I'm so lazy my mom gets onto me about sleeping all the time, she once asked me "Is sleeping all you're good at?"

I said "Yea, I could do it with my eyes closed."

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but during a game of tennis...

The umpire said "break point" and I headed for my chair.

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The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

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A woman goes to her doctor

"Doctor, please help me. My husband is _lazy_ in the bed, if you know what I mean"

The doctor smiles and says

"I have what you need. Science has made gigantic progress in this field."

The doctor gives her a small packet.

"Put the content of this sachet in his food and you...

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

10 reasons why men are lazy

10 reasons why men are lazy:

1)

You know your kids are lazy

When they play "the furniture is lava"

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

Why are you guys getting so mad at lazy people?

Theyre doing nothing

My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.

I'm half inclined to agree with them.

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A German truck driver is sitting in a Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are.

He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days."

A drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in...

My son said, "Thanks for giving me tips on how to be less lazy."

I said, "It's the least I could do."

My favourite word is "lazy".

Don't ask me to explain why.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

How lazy are you?

He’s so lazy, that if he robbed a bank he wouldn’t even count the money.

He’d just wait to find out in the news report.

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

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Lazy frog

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to...

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Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, y...

I dumped my lazy eyed g/f

I think she was seeing someone else

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I saw nothing.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After t...

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

How do you know if someone is lazy?

They never finish their sen—

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A friend of mine told me a lazy eye can be sexy

but then she started looking at me funny.

There were once a man that was claimed to be the laziest man on earth

Nobody had seen him ever do anything but lay on his bed and breath. That's it.

On one day the people from the city where he lived wanted to know if he was actually the laziest person on earth. So they created a contest where the laziest person won a lot of money.

People from the whole ...

My friend thought I was lazy because I could count on one hand how much I moved today...

They didn't know I was wearing a FitBit

If laziness was an Olympic sport...

I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium.

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I've never heard of a lazy composter

They've usually got their shit together :)

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