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Lazy Jokes

Someone called me lazy today

I almost replied...

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

Lazy thieves

They were two thieves so lazy that they robbed a bank and in order not to count the money, they waited for the evening news to find out how much they had stolen.

there's no need to be angry at lazy people

they didn't do anything.

Please stop the hate on the lazy people

They didn’t do anything at all

My dog is so lazy!

He doesn't run after cars like other dogs. He stands on the sidewalk and takes the license plate numbers.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

What did the lazy orthodontist say?

"Brace yourself"

I broke up with my lazy-eyed girlfriend today.

I heard she was seeing people on the side.

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.

It's because they have no drive.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

If laziness was an Olympic sport...

I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium.

What do you call a small, lazy, naked mother?

A bare mini-mum

Why did the lazy not go to heaven?

He was waiting to be picked up,

Writers these days have become so lazy

They’re remaking the first Writer’s Strike

Like a lazy tailor would say...

Suit yourself.

What did the very lazy husband say to his very lazy wife when he saw her yawning ?

"Now that your mouth is already open, call our son to switch off the light".

Lazy farmhands

Three farmers were talking. "You would not believe how lazy my latest farmhand is." one said. "Come watch."

They went to his house and saw a sleeping man. "Hey Joe" his master called. "What? Is it dinner time?" the farmhand replied, then turned around and went back to sleep.

"Ha, that ...

I have a girlfriend with a lazy eye. She's the best.

Whenever I make a mistake she always looks the other way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

You wanna know how lazy I am?

Ahh, never mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German truck driver is sitting in a Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are.

He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days."

A drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in...

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

yo mama so lazy...

she couldn't finish the

My wife said I'm lazy...

I almost told her how wrong she is.

I was in a lazy person contest

I won by default because my opponent didn’t even come.

People are so lazy

They don’t even copy and paste good jokes anymore.

Yo momma is so lazy

She took 9 months to deliver the joke

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

Today we buried our lazy teacher.

We put him in an unmarked grave.

Local grocery store checkout workers are ignorant, lazy, smelly …

That’s the last time I use the self-checkout lane

People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.

They haven’t done anything!

What do you call a country full of lazy people?

A procrastination

Germans today are so lazy;

It's been more than 70 years since they last invaded their neighbors

To all the people who call me too lazy to achieve anything in life...

Proving you wrong is what gets me up from bed.... in the afternoon.

Why is the letter E lazy?

Because it's always in bed.

My parents called me lazy

I don't get it I didn't even do anything

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

went to the self help group "Lazy Bastards Anonymous"

No one was there.

I wanted to make a joke about lazy people

But I don’t think it would’ve worked.

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me:

"I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

When it comes to fact-checking, journalists are lazy.

Source: Wikipedia.

I drink beer because I'm too lazy to walk

They say you should walk 10000 steps, the AA only requires 12

I was born with a lazy eye...

...and it spread to the rest of my body.

I think the guy who works at the nearby observatory is too lazy and unfocused to do his job well.

Every time I’ve checked, he’s always been just staring off into space.

I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.

It's not like I did anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

What do you call a fat kid with 3 teeth and a lazy eye?

Names.

My Tibetan friend is soo lazy.

I always see Himalayan there.

I'm super lazy today....

Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

I just broke up with my lazy gym buddy.

Didn’t work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lazy Dad

I was shopping in Tesco with my Daughter earlier & she turned around and said "Your such a lazy bastard dad"
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley!

Hear about the teacher with two lazy eyes?

Didn't last more then a day, couldn't control his pupils.

What do lazy cannibals eat?

The vegetables.

Why can’t people with a lazy eye be teachers?

They can’t control their pupils!

What do you call a lazy man in space?

A procrastonaut

Lazy asses!! Thug Life.

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?  - Oh Harry, that would be lovely!  - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

Too lazy for a title

There is absolutely no excuse for laziness

But if you find one let me know

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do lazy fishermen and porn studios have in common?

They both use casting couches.

I'm so lazy.

I'm so lazy my mom gets onto me about sleeping all the time, she once asked me "Is sleeping all you're good at?"

I said "Yea, I could do it with my eyes closed."

Lazy Indians

A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.

"Twenty years," replied the guide.

"You Indians are a lazy lot," the tourist said. In my country, this could have...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lazy frog

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to...

There was once a very lazy man

This man was so lazy eventually his father has enough. He put him in a sack and dragged him down to the river and was about to throw him in when a passerby noticed. "What're you doing with this man?" He asked. "He's very lazy he doesn't do anything I've had it with taking care of him and feeding him...

What happened to the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac, lazy, dumb, Reddit /jokes poster?

She stayed up all night reposting that there really isn’t an Ogd.

My wife didn't leave me because I'm lazy, overweight and jobless. She left me because I don't know anything about baseball.

That was strike four.

Why did the lazy eyed teacher get fired?

because he couldn’t keep his pupils in check

My favourite word is "lazy".

Don't ask me to explain why.

Knock Knock. Who's there? A lazy person. A lazy person who?

You guys can fill in the rest for yourselves.

National stereotypes are lazy.

Just like the French.

I'm not saying I'm a lazy loner.

But I didn't even get an invite to my own birthday.

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

Yo momma is so lazy...

Yo momma is so lazy that when she died and went to heaven, god told her to climb the stairway to enter and she said no.
So then god sent her to hell.

--

My younger son is on a yo momma joke kick right now in life and said this one to me in the car. I know it's a terrible yo momma ...

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

What is the rapper name of Jay-Z's lazy brother?

Lay-Z

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

Why are some rocks so lazy?

They live a sedimentary lifestyle.

10 reasons why men are lazy

10 reasons why men are lazy:

1)

Why do lazy archaeologists love deep penetrating radar?

Because they can just LIDAR and take it.

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