The 33+ Best Lazy Jokes

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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

there's no need to be angry at lazy people

they didn't do anything.

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A lazy Susan.

Writers these days have become so lazy

They’re remaking the first Writer’s Strike

I think the guy who works at the nearby observatory is too lazy and unfocused to do his job well.

Every time I’ve checked, he’s always been just staring off into space.

My dog is so lazy!

He doesn't run after cars like other dogs. He stands on the sidewalk and takes the license plate numbers.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch

He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes.

Three days later he asks for a report.

The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement an...

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

yo mama so lazy...

she couldn't finish the

Be afraid, very afraid

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked,

\- "Mrs. Jones, do you know ...

After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time.

After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time. She shows him into the living room, and tells him to make himself at home while she goes to the kitchen to make them some drinks.

He notices a cute jar on a bookshelf, and picks it up to take a ...

Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny was a lazy student and was failing Math badly. His parents had enough of this, so they pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home and not a word, and headed up to his bedroom to do his Math homework. He was up there...

What did the very lazy husband say to his very lazy wife when he saw her yawning ?

"Now that your mouth is already open, call our son to switch off the light".

I wanted to make a joke about lazy people

But I don’t think it would’ve worked.

So I was at my local store...

So I was at my local store and watched the bag packer bring an old ladies groceries out to her car. When I got to the checkout I said, "can you carry my groceries out to my car?". The bag packer said, "sure sir, why not".

We traveled across the car park and when we arrived at my car I said, "...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒌𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝑻𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒐𝒊𝒔𝒆… 𝑺𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒛𝒊𝒏𝒈...

I was in a lazy person contest

I won by default because my opponent didn’t even come.

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff

As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing but leaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily:
\-“How much do you make a Week?”
\-“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out th...

Exam

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you're jus...

Lazy farmhands

Three farmers were talking. "You would not believe how lazy my latest farmhand is." one said. "Come watch."

They went to his house and saw a sleeping man. "Hey Joe" his master called. "What? Is it dinner time?" the farmhand replied, then turned around and went back to sleep.

"Ha, that ...

An american tourist is visiting Paris

He takes a taxi for a ride around the city, sees Notre Dame cathedral and asks the driver:

\-What's that ?

\-Notre Dame cathedral.

\-How long did it take to build it ?

\-I don't know, 50 years maybe ?

\-Oh my god, that's s...

Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991

You were too lazy to read that number.

Local grocery store checkout workers are ignorant, lazy, smelly …

That’s the last time I use the self-checkout lane

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Birb

A bird is about to fly south for the winter. He's a lazy bird and gets a later start than the rest of the birds. As he's flying, a blizzard hits and turns into a small little bird block of ice.

BOom. He lands in cow pasture. Still conscience, he ponders his life choices and begins the stages...

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me:

"I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

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Porn Joke

Why did the lazy pornstar get fired?

She wasn't coming on time.
He wasn't working hard enough.

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**

**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

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A cow gets stolen from a family…

The mother cries to her three sons, “Boys! Some prick has stolen our cow!”

The first son says, “If it’s a prick, it must be someone from Randville”

The second son, “If it’s someone from Randville, they must be short”

The third son, “If it’s someone short from Randville, it must ...

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There was this construction worker

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sig...

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I was sitting quietly in my armchair contemplating life last night. I shouts to the missus "when I die I'm going to leave everything to you love".

She shouted back "you already do ya lazy bastard"

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A man comes back home from work.

Sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looks a little confused, but brings him his beer.

As soon as he's done, he yells at his wife again:,,Hurry, bring me another beer. It's gonna start any second now!"...

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