Grumpy Jokes - 83 Hilarious Grumpy Jokes

The Grumpy Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the...

Why are New Yorkers always so grumpy?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

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A grumpy old lady goes up to her husband and starts throwing a tantrum.

Wife: “I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is wrinkled skin, saggy boobs and a sad body. Please give me some kind of compliment to make me feel good!”

Husband: “Sounds like you still have perfect vision”

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3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench... (NSFW)

3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench...

First old man says "Oy, I HATE gettin' old. It's getting to now where I can't take a good healthy piss anymore!"

Second old man nods: "You ain't lyin'. Getting old sucks. Just ONCE I wish I could take a big healthy shit like I used to whe...

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

Why is the moon so grumpy?

It's just going through one of its phases

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(nsfw)A grumpy king called in his court jester

The king says “I’m in a horrible mood. If you don’t make me laugh this instant I’ll have you sent to the gallows.”

The jester, without missing a beat, did a little dance, dropped his pants, and pulled out his dick.

He was hung.

My brother is always grumpy at breakfast, I'm always happy at funerals

He's not a morning person, I'm not a mourning person

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wake up grumpy.

I told her I usually just let her sleep in.

Why was the Dalai Lama grumpy?

Because he got up on the wrong side of Tibet.

What do grumpy sheep say during the holidays?

Baa, Baa, humbug.

Why are older people grumpy?

I’d be heated too that many times around the sun.

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning

I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

Why are ostriches grumpy?

Because they are not emus.

Why are people with fevers so grumpy?

Because they're hot-headed

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Why was Hitler grumpy at breakfast?

Because he didn't like the juice.

A grumpy old man and his wife . . .

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for abou...

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

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A nun gets out of bed

she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wron...

I visited a fortune teller at a fair. They were quite grumpy and told me I was going to die within minutes.

I walked out of the tent and tried to find another for a second opinion. They were a little angry, and said i would live forever. I didn't like the sound of either of those outcomes so kept looking around, but just couldn't find a happy medium.

Some Are Sleepy or Grumpy

A recent survey showed that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

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Snow White and the Prince decided to buy the Seven Dwarfs a hot tub.

They all got in and started feeling Happy. So he got out and left, now they're all fucking Grumpy.

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Grumpy and Dopey go to a convent

They go up to mother superior and Grumpy asks
"Do you have a really short nun working here?"
"Well i dont believe so" says the nun.
"Are you sure" asks Dopey, "she smells like fish."
"I'm afraid i can't help you" responds the mother superior.
Grumpy turns to Dopey and says
"I tol...

What do you call a grumpy german?

Sourkraut

Humpty Dumpty, grumpy parent edition

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty shouldn't've been there at all.

Humpty Dumpty wasn't very tall,

So Humpty Dumpty of course had a fall.

My new neighbor is a grumpy German.

I guess you could call him a sour Kraut.

Why was the plane grumpy?

He had a bad altitude.

Dracula was grumpy. Why?

All that B negative.

So I threw a lamp on my grumpy friend...

... and told him to brighten the f**k up!

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Why are tampons always grumpy?

Because they're stuck up cunts.

What did the grumpy doctor say to the hungry cannibal?

Please stop trying my patients!

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what do bieber and grumpy cat have in common?

What do bieber and grumpy cat have in common? They are both pussies who were discovered on the internet.

How often are women grumpy and irritable?

Periodically.

Haiku: A prince was grumpy

Grumpy was feeling Happy

The prince was happy

Guy 1 :why is she so grumpy I just milked her?!

Guy 2 :was there 1 utter ?

Guy 1 :yeah why?

Guy 2 :that's not a she, that wasn't milk

Guy 1: ...

What do you call Bruce Banner when he is grumpy?

The Incredible Sulk

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An old grumpy lady gets in a bus.

She hijacks the speaker and yells :

"All of you that sit on the left side of this bus are assholes ! The ones sitting on the right are sons of bitches !!!"

A man rise and answers :

"Mrs. This is absolutely unacceptable, i'm not an asshole !"

"**THEN GET ON...

What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?

A Boomer Aang.

P.S. I'm so sorry.

What did the grumpy old British guy use to keep kids off his lawn?

Sod-off shotgun

What do you call a loaf of grumpy bread?

Sourdough!

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Two attorneys walk into a cafe

However, they do not order anything. Instead, they both reach into their respective briefcases and pull out a sandwich each. Seeing this, a grumpy old waiter walks over to them.

"Look, I don't know who you hotshot fellas are, but I hope you can read that sign over there. It says 'You cannot b...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

One morning Snow White said to her prince, "I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."

The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.

"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.

"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.

"What happened?"

"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."

"That doesn't sound like...

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

At first i was feeling a little grumpy,

Then I was feeling happy, then a little sleepy and finally a little bashful.

I am no longer welcome at my daughters school play of Snow white and the 7 dwarfs

Mom sends her son out to play fetch with the dog. 5 minutes later both the son and the dog are back inside, looking grumpy.

"What happened?" Asks the mom.

"We lost the ball." says the boy.

"Oh no, where?" The dog replies: "Roof, roof"

Stunned, the mother says, "Did the dog just say it's on the roof?"

"No," the boy scoffs. "I mean the ball is up there, but the dumb dog's not talking."

Th...

A sheperd and his flock of sheep wondered onto his grumpy old neighbors property and got stuck in a fenced area...

...his neighbor told him to hurry and get the flock out.

I get really grumpy when the work canteen has Soylent Green on the menu.

I'm really not a people person.

There was once a man called Ia'Tor living just outside Roman territory. All his life, he was grumpy and angry, to the point that people started calling him Sullen Ia'Tor. One day, a Roman legion passed through his area, and captured this barbarian in the name of civilizing him.

While those around him despaired and wailed as they were trained for combat, he was actually enjoying something for the first time. By the time he first stepped into the arena, he was known as... Glad Ia'Tor.

A recent study shows that 6 out of 7 persons affected with dwarfism are not happy.

They are grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, sneezy and doc.

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What starts with G, ends with Y, and is something you really wouldn't want your son to be?

Grumpy, you homophobic fucks.

A little boy asks his mother what the difference is between a Democrat and a Republican?

The mother thinks hard and comes up with this explanation for the child.

A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have that always promises to take you to Disneyland. But something always comes up and you never actually go.

A Republican is like a grumpy uncle. Every time you ask hi...

In England, the seven dwarfs can now only meet in groups of six

The other one is grumpy

An Australian, a Brit, and an American were all asked a question

'Name a type of bird' the three were asked

The Brit went first and said, "Ducks, first one that came to mind."

The Australian got grumpy with his answer, "Magpies, they're bloody annoying mate."

The American was last. His answer was, "Desert Eagle."

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

Late call to the vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, r...

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Free beer

A man is just walking down the street one night, and he stumbles across a bar. In the bar window reads a sign "Free beer for life, talk with the bar tender for more information". Out of curiousity the man enters. Inside he asks the bartender "Whats with the sign in the window?" The bartender replies...

Last night i went to bed feeling happy

But then happy didn't like it, so I rolled to the other side of the bed feeling grumpy.

I was robbed by 6 dwarves

I'm Grumpy!

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A prince is hanging out with his best friend

Friend: So you want to break up with her?

Prince: Yeah, I have to.

Friend: Just because she is really shy, moody, dumb, has allergies, and has narcolepsy?

Prince: That is not what I said. I said she is fucking Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, and Sleepy!

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An irritable old man runs into a kid on a narrow path

The path isn't wide enough for two people to go side by side. The grumpy old man, who hates kids, refuses to move to the side, and says "I don't give way to assholes".

"That's ok, I do", says the kid and lets the old man cross.

Once upon a time...

The Seven Dwarves were all taking a bath and feeling happy. Happy got out, so they all felt grumpy.

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A woman went to get a physical for her 40th birthday...

When she got home, she was telling her turd of a husband how it went. “The doctor said I was in great shape. As a matter of fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old. “
“Oh yeah?” Said her grumpy husband-“what he say about your 40 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

Drunk...

A drunk lurches out of a pub at lunchtime.

After getting his alcohol-induced double vision together, he notices a car parked by the kerb with its bonnet up and a man leaning against the car with his arms folded and looking very grumpy.

He staggers over and manages to slur, "What's the...

A new comprehensive study found that only ~14.3% of dwarves are Happy

The study went on to show that the rest of them are Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Sneezy, and Doc.

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

[NSFW] The seven dwarfs decided one day that they’re going to watch Snow White get undressed

So they go outside and stack themselves on top of each other to peer through her window:

Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

...

“She’s taking off ...

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It's Christmas Eve and Santa is very angry...

...his reindeer cannot fly because they ended up drinking mulled wine and are now very drunk. His elves are refusing to produce any more presents because they are angry about their pay and an angel Santa sent off to get a Christmas tree hasn't returned yet. "How the hell am I going to get Christmas ...

A man walks into a bar

He sat down next to a grumpy looking guy.

He asks:“What’s the deal? What happend?”

The guy replies:” It has been a rough time for me, you know. My wife left me and took the house, the car, all my money and the kids, so i just lost my job and my friends don’t support me.”

The fir...

Grandpa Joe was being taken by his grandchildren to his new nursing home.

The family bought Grandpa Joe in on his wheelchair.

A kind young nurse met them. "Welcome to our nursing home! Let me show you around!" She said in a friendly tone, as she took the wheelchair.

She wheeled him into a large room full of sofas, with a big TV screen. "This is the lounge. Y...

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A man and his friends go duck hunting.

They’re sitting in a duck blind and huge flock flies over them. One of his friends yells “FIRE!”

The man takes his shotgun and hits a duck, but it lands on the roof of a barn. The man walks over to retrieve his duck and is met with a grumpy farmer.

The man says, “Hey me and my buddies...

A trucker and a blonde.

A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The tru...

A woman gets called into her office HR department

They tell her that they noticed her password for her login was very unusual and asked her how she chose "DocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeySacarmento"

She said - "well the instructions were to have a password with seven characters and have at least one capitol, so I thought I was just fo...

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Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has neve...

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It's an old man's birthday

He's wandering around the nursing home in his birthday hat, blowing his noisemaker, laughing, and loving life.

He sees one of the other residents and walks into his room.

"Hey, Carl! Guess how old I am today!"

Grumpy old Carl doesn't even look up. "No. Go away."

"C'mon, y...

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A woman at a fancy restaurant is chocking...

Hands on her neck, face turning blue. A man runs over, pulls down her dress and licks her ass. The woman's eyes bulge and a piece of steak goes flying. She turns to the man and says "What the fuck was that?!" To which the man responds "The hind-lick maneuver."

-credit to grumpy guy at work.

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a ...

An elderly woman appears in court for stealing

A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."

"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole ...

Blond Password

So this guy asks his girlfriend for her password so he can fix her email account. She says it's "Grumpy Happy Bashful Snowwhite Charming Simba Pumba Mickey Albany". He says, "Wow, why so long"? She answers, "It said you needed at least 8 characters and one capital".

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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican

While six stayed back a few yards Doc went up and knocked on the front door.

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any 3 ft tall nuns in Rome?"

"No, my son, there aren't," the Pope replied.

So Doc went back and told the others. Pretty soon Ba...

Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad new...

Little Jack did not like it at school

In math-class his teacher asked him;
"Tell me, if you have five apples and I ask for one, how many apples do you have then?"
"Five", Jack said and gave her a grumpy stare.

Sorry if repost, stole and translated it from a party-frotune coockie-looking thing we have in my country. I don't ...

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