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Careless Jokes

What is the difference between a careless and a careful driver?

One is reckless and the other is wreck-less.

What do you get if you cross a busy road with a careless walk?

run over..

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Give an example of a business failure due to careless management

A prostitute getting pregnant

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

One careless spelling mistake...

... and laughter becomes slaughter.

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

What's it called when somebody carelessly walks on train tracks?

A loco motive

Why a constipated man is careless?

Cause he doesn't give a sh#t.

A careless hunter accidentally shot my atheist friend in the side with a shotgun.

The near-death experience made him a holier man.

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

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After a rather careless plane crash where everyone was killed, the two pilots responsible were escorted to Satan to choose their eternal damnation.

Satan told the pilots they could choose either door number 1 or door number 2 for their sin of killing innocent people.

"Take your time," he said, "you've got forever to suffer it."

So the pilots look behind door number 1 and it's a freezing cold, blizzard of a hell. They look at each ...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

What's the difference between elephant poaching and Donald Trump?

One's a careless hunt...

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A friend guilt-tripped me into spending the Saturday helping out with various tasks on his property, even though I'd prefer to relax after a demanding week.

While chopping wood, I got careless with the axe and dented his car.

My friend suspected that since I was clearly annoyed with him, I'd dented the car on purpose.

But in my opinion, it should be obvious to everyone that it was an axy-dent.

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

I'm here with a man who lost his wife earlier today.

How careless of him.

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

A man with no arms applies to be the local church bell squire.

The pastor looks him over and says - Well, we didn't get alot of interest in the posting, so the job is yours, but I'm not sure how you plan on pulling the rope to the bell?
The man climbs up to the church steeple and runs at the bell as fast as he can. BOOOONG! He hits it with his face and it so...

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My wife decided to share some morbid news with our six year-old in the car...

"My best friend lost her father on Saturday," she said.

"That's rather careless of her," replied my daughter.

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...

Careless Swissper

My staggered into my house, sat down, and started sobbing.

(Edit: Title correction- My friend staggered into my house, sat down and started sobbing)

He said "Everyone keeps making fun of me. They say I'm fat, careless and that I don't think of anyone besides for myself! My landlord is so annoyed at my absent-mindedness, he's threatening to evict me! ...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

Teacher's pet

A boy was once given the task of babysitting his teacher's pet dog for a day. He was careless and the dog ran out the door when he wasn't looking. He tried searching all over town but he couldn't find the dog anywhere. He then thought of a plan. His teacher was old and losing the sharpness of most o...

Never lie to kids

I make it a point never to lie to my kids. This morning one of them came up to me and asked, "Where do little babies come from?" And I gave him a straight answer: "Sheer carelessness! Sheer carelessness!"

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

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A priest finds a dead hog in a ditch by the wayside...

Figuring the poor animal has been killed by a careless driver, he calls up the police for someone to come pick up the carcass.

The officer on the other end, not without humor, chucklingly mentions that he thought it was the church's own business to take care of the dead.

"Yes indeed, ...

Computers are like women

At first you cherish them with all your love. Then, as time goes on you become more careless. Until one day you realize...

*You have a virus*

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Best Friends (NSFW-language)

My wife and I have been married a long time. And like many long-term marriages, ours had lost its spark. But lately things had gotten really bad. I don't know what started it - a minor insult, a careless remark, years of buried frustrations, the general malaise that creeps into a marriage when prior...

A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.

When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.
One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I hadn't been look...

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

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A lizard is walking through the jungle ...

and sees this monkey in a tree smoking weed and says, "Hey monkey what are you doing up in that tree."

"Oh, I gotta smoke up this here weed. You should come up and help me." replied the monkey.

"Well, O.K. I'll be right up."

So the monkey and the lizard are smoking...

A man goes to work one day with a VERY noticeable scar on his forehead

One of his coworkers was quick to ask what happened.

"Well" The man replied. "It started this morning".

"It was about 6 or 7 am, I got up fast because I thought I was going to be late, and I banged my head on the side of the bedside table, then I stumbled over to the closet and acciden...

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3 men in a desert...

3 men had been crawling through the dry hot desert for 14 days and nights.
They were buggered, had enough.
One of them spotted a tree in the distance. Upon getting closer there was a house.
They jumped up and ran over.
It was the first civilisation they had seen for weeks.
And wh...

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A man went to his doctor because he had trouble peeing...

He complained about how he had to struggle to even get a few drops out. Frowning for a brief moment, the doctor assures him that a simple surgery would fix the problem.
The next day, the man returns to the hospital for the surgery and the doctor proceeds, the only issue being that the man's testi...

Deep in Siberia, three prisoners huddle around a small fire and discuss their sentences.

"Every day, I arrived five minutes late to work," says the first. "Because I was careless, I was arrested for sabotage."

"Do not fool yourself," says the second. "Every day, I arrived five minutes early to work. I was arrested for spying."

The third stares quietly at the fire, rocking ...

A joke from my scout troop a while back.

Jim had always wanted to run a train. It was his dream since he was a child. His mind was set and no other career moved him the way a train had. He did well in school, and when he was accepted to the local Railway school, he was stoked.

4 years later, he had his first job of running the train...

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A biker walks into a bar.

As he made his way to the bartender, he spotted a 30-ish y/o man sitting in his table with a serious look in his face, staring daggers at the cup of drink before him.

Feeling great for the day, the biker made his way to the sitting man and directly took his cup, and drank the whole thing as a...

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Two lions walk into a bar.

They sit down and start drinking. Soon after, a woman comes into the bar. She’s drunk and obnoxious. As she staggers by the lions, she carelessly bumps into the first one and spills his drink. Annoyed, the lion frowns and orders another drink. The two lions continue drinking and the woman staggers b...

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The hunter who didn't care

There was a hunter who simply didn't care.

One day, the hunter who didn't care was out hunting and bagged several animals that he intended to sell for furs. And when I say many animals, I mean *many* animals, well beyond his legal limit. But, alas, he didn't care. He just kept waiting for ...

So a head rolls into a bar...

This guy only has a head. No neck, no torso, no limbs.

He gets helped up onto the bar and asks for whiskey on ice, with a bendy straw so he can drink, and the bartender obliges.

He starts talking with the bartender and the other guy at the bar, answering questions about how he lives wi...

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

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Three men find a magic lamp

They rub the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says: "you are all granted three wishes!".
The first guy says:"I wish I had a billion dollars". The second guy says:"I wish I were the richest man in the world". The third guy says:"I wish my left arm kept rotating clockwise".
For the seco...

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Theme 3: 1 Liners, Words of Wisdom

*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

*Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in ...

Quasimodo passed away

After years of hanging out in the bell tower, Quasimodo got drunk and careless and slipped over a rail, falling to his death one cold night.

The cathedral HR department put out a posting to get a replacement for him, but due to the eerie nature of the bell tower, they only got one response - ...

A horse wanted to start a band.

It has always been a dream of his, the horse. He always fantasized about the day he’d sell out avenues with his talented bandmates. He thought to himself, “today, I will make my dream come true. No more waiting around.” Only problem is, he doesn’t know how to play any instrument, though he did have ...

The Wrestler.

There's an up-and-coming wrestler, and I mean a real wrestler not that glitzy camp showman stuff. Sweat and muscle. And he's good; with the able assistance of his manager, he's rising steadily in the ranks.

In fact he's so good, that he decides he can do it - he asks his manager to set up a t...

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Little Fisherman

Somewhere near a big lake lives Jon together with his cat.

Early in the morning Jon wakes up, washes his face and goes to the kitchen. He takes his bag of bread, takes out a few slices and butters them up. puts some cheese on it and stores them is his bread box. Picks up his fishing pole an...

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