UPJOKE
hobbyhorticulturistnurserymanflowergroundskeepergarden designgardeningplantkitchen gardenshrubpatioplantsmanrecreationvegetablefruit

Gardener Jokes

What's the difference between a gardener and a pimp?

A gardener doesn't want his hose to have kinks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.

The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically wav...

Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?

He kept watering the vegetables.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

What do a serial killer and a prolific gardener have in common?

Both of their sheds are filled with hoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

One gardener asks another for advice about putting down sod

“Can you help me with this? I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I keep trying to lay this sod down, but I can’t get it to lay flat,” he confessed.

The other gardener observed as he attempted to lay down the sheet of grass and came to a helpful conclusion.

The gardener explained, “Well, ...

You do some gardening once, you do not become a gardener. You nail two pieces of wood together, you do not become a woodworker.

So I do not see how I could be a murderer, your honour.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

I hired a landscape gardener today.

He couldn't help me, because my garden is portrait.

Lady Mary strolled down the path to where the young gardener was pruning the roses

"Hello, Thomas."

"Good morning, Your Ladyship."

"You know, Thomas, ever since you've come to work for us, I've been afraid that you would force me to kiss you," she said, conversationally.

"Oh, Your Ladyship, how could I do that with a pair of secateurs in one hand and a bag of ...

Why was the gardener so embarrassed?

Because he wet his plants

Why can Severus Snape never become a gardener

His lilies always die

My neighbour is an avid gardener.

He was up digging at three in the morning.

And he's so good that the next day the police came to see his work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.

Everything was going great then I tried to pay him and he said “your wife already took care of it”

This just keeps getting better.

What’s the difference between a pimp and a gardener?

You really shouldn’t ask a pimp for a vegetable.

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend

I’m rooting for him

What do you get when you cross a gardener with an author?

Someone who perpetually thickens the plot.

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Particular Gardener (OC)

A gardener was starting a new job on a beautiful property, its driveway lined with fir trees, peacocks roaming the grounds, and a beautiful water feature in the middle of the round drive-end in front of what could only be described as a mansion.

As he hopped out of his truck this rather elega...

What do you call a Yeti Gardener?

A hairy Potter.

Being a gardener must be a very sobering career...

Every day you have to wake up and smell the roses.

My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.

Nothing but thyme on my hands.

Why is Kim Jong-Un such a good gardener?

Cause he's the supreme weeder.

Did you hear about the gardener who went crazy?

He was hearing voices in his shed.

My dad used to be a gardener and he had a saying:

“Son, one day you’ll have to understand that it’s hoes before hoes”

Starting as a gardener, I found cleaning moss from lawns boring, I hated it.

But, after 5 years, I’ve started to take a lichen to it.

What did the excited gardener do when spring finally came?

He wet his plants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

The maid

A maid goes to the wife of the house, and demands a raise. The wife gets mad and asks the maid "now why do you think you deserve one?" The maid instantly replied and said "there are 3 reasons." "One is that I iron better than you." The wife, surprised by this, snapped back and said "Who said that?!"...

Woah, is Aquaman running after your gardener?

No, he's Jason Mamoa

The hotel gardener.

The was once a gardener who worked in a hotel. One day, he decides to walk in the garden and he spots a 50 pounds watermelon. He continues his walk in the garden to find a tomato as big as a soccer ball. Finding this very strange, he contacts the hotel's director and he takes an appointment with him...

A Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants

What do you call a Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants?

Plant parenthood.

Today a tragedy occurred: a gardener died

You could say he threw in the trowel

What did the fallen leaves say to the gardener?

Blow me

How is a gardener like professor Henry Higgins?

they both have a horticulture.

My gardener is completely incompetent

He keeps soiling himself

Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?

The guy planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.

What does a toddler and a gardener have in common?

They both wet the bed.

My wife left me for our gardener

So she’s with Jesus now...

I used to be a landscape gardener.

Got my clothes too dirty so I started doing it in portrait.

What do you call a lady gardener's underwear?

Plantaloons. Thought of this today while I was watering my azaleas.

As a gardener, nothing makes me more excited than when my plants first sprout.

I guess that makes me a petalphile.

Landscape Gardeners

I've been trying to get someone to redo my garden, but i'm not having much luck.

I've found several landscape gardeners, but mine is portrait.

Roses are dead, violets are dead

I'm a bad gardener

What’s the last thing a gardener does?

Leaves...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alex The Gardener

A supervisor of a landscaping business got a call from one of his workers on Friday afternoon "Hey boss, it's me Alex, I'm not feeling so good today, I've got a big headache and just don't feel well." The boss replies; "You know, when I don't feel well, I like to go to my wife and ask for sex, then ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I was an apprentice Japanese gardener and showed my master the pot of bulbs I'd planted..

" You Lack Crocus" he said..

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.