UPJOKE
soilgrasssodgrounddirtlandgrassyfillieslawnastroturfcolloquialismcoverjurisdictionrootdivot

They say that "The grass is always greener on the other side".

Especially true of roll on turf.

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win da lottery.'

'What's dat,' says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut.'

I’ve just got home to find that the turf I laid last week has been stolen. .

My girlfriend is outside now, looking forlorn

What is Gargamel‘s favorite dish ?

Smurf n Turf

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

So what do you call a street where sheep and horses are fighting over turf?

A baaad neigh-borhood.

...

I'm glad none of you are close enough to punch me.

What do you call surf & turf without the turf?

A missed-steak.

People who buy turf for their yards don’t have the patience to grow their own

They want instant grassification

My girlfriend won't share her surf and turf with me...

Shellfish cow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somewhere, there is a turf war going on...

...between skeletons and secret gays.

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

Because he can

Clem and Cletus go to a University of Georgia football game and before the game starts the cheerleaders come out with UGA, the real English bulldog mascot. UGA sits on the sideline turf and starts licking his balls. Clem points this out to Cletus and says "I sure wish I could do that" Cletus resp...

Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Boudreaux said, "I'm a'gonna do dat when I win da lottery!"



"What's dat?" asks Thibodeaux.

"Send da lawn off to be mowed."

Two rival landscaping companies have been killing each others staff

They're in a turf war

Someone just stole some grass from my garden

Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf

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Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint

when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do".
The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"?
"No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!

A shop that sells fake grass for gardens was robbed...

Afterwards the owner was asked why he was so defensive during the robbery of the fake grass, to which he replied:

“Well, it’s my home turf.”

A Husband And Wife Go Golfing

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together.
They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses.
They play through to the 9th hole, both hav...

Two Irishmen sitting by the road...

Two Irishmen are sitting by the road when a truck loaded with rolls of turf (sod) drives past.
"Aye, Paddy. That's what I'm going to do when I'm rich."
"What's that then Declan?"
"I'm going to send my grass away to be mowed."

We've got the meats

If meat and seafood is surf and turf, does that make meat seafood and poultry surf turf and away?

Two Irish brothers are applying for Work Visas to Australia.

The first brother enters his interview, quickly walks out, gives a thumbs-up and says to his brother “I’m in!"

The second brother takes this as a sure sign that he will join him, and walks confidently into his interview.

“So Mr... Patrick O’Malley”, the interviewer begins. “What skills...

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An American, Englishman, & Australian were arguing which of their versions of football were the toughest.

An American, and Englishman, and an Australian were discussing which of their particular brands of football were the toughest.

The American said, "We've got this quarterback Peyton Manning who's just won his second Super Bowl ring. Well, one day Manning was sacked so hard, his front split op...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Five-Kick Method (long)

A very famous and successful attorney from NYC was hunting ducks in the countryside. He was having a bad day in the woods as there didn't seem to be any ducks at all to be hunted. Then, all of a sudden, he saw the most beautiful, fattest duck of his life swiftly take off, so he aptly aimed and shot ...

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