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Sod Jokes

One gardener asks another for advice about putting down sod

“Can you help me with this? I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I keep trying to lay this sod down, but I can’t get it to lay flat,” he confessed.

The other gardener observed as he attempted to lay down the sheet of grass and came to a helpful conclusion.

The gardener explained, “Well, ...

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The Black Panther is starting a landscaping and sod business.

He’s calling it Wakanda Grass.

The Patriots had to re-sod their field.

Even the grass wont root for them.

My nan's got dementia the poor sod, all she does is stand there looking through the window

Maybe one day, i'll let her in

I saw a semi truck transporting a load of sod along the highway

It was a grass roots movement

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I was watching some construction workers today

outside my office building. They were laying down a bunch of grass.

I saw a forklift come in carrying rolls of grass, when all of a sudden a huge bulldozer came out of nowhere and crashed full speed into the forklift. Both the driver of the forklift and the grass went flying...

It was...

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I love the look on the poor sods faces when I drive by them and they're pissed wet through and freezing cold at the bus stop

Partly why I took the job as a bus driver tbh

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks...

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went by loaded with rolls of sod. "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1. "Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed!"

[Sod](http://stoneproscanada.ca/images/sod%20bundle.jpg)

What's the difference between sod and a fat chick?

Nothing, sooner or later they will both be laid by a Mexican

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Theres these two onions.

Male onion female onion, rolling along then *pop* bang into each other. Instant rapport, a torrential affair begins they couldnt get enough of each other. Pretty soon an onion bonding is occurred not long after that they think to tie the knot, get together, make it legal.

Their union was ble...

Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processe...

A man walks into a bar......

An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the th...

My nan hates her new stairlift...

....drives her up the sodding wall.

Just found out my grandad left me a stately home in his will.

I just don’t know where sod hall is...

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

‪Why did Trump hold his press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping?

Because America told him to sod off.‬

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.

We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goe...

What did the grumpy old British guy use to keep kids off his lawn?

Sod-off shotgun

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor sod.

Old Marsh was walking home drunk...

...though the graveyard, and the silly ol' sod fell into an open grave just as it started to rain. He tried to climb up the sides but repeatedly slid on the mud, back into the grave. Finally, he resigned himself to his fate and settled into a dark corner of the pit to wait out the storm.

An...

My late uncle has left me a stately home in his will....

I haven't a clue where Sod hall is, but I'm sure it will be very grand....

Why did the grass Cross the road?

To get to the other sod

What kind of gun only hurts your feelings when it's used?

A "Sod off" Shotgun

Woke up at 6 o' clock this morning ...

...with a banging hangover listening to my neighbour mowing his lawn , was going to get up and throttle the sod , but then thought "To Heck with it , he can mow around me."

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Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided the first thing he would do would be..

Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided his first action would be to order a test of how US Air Force planes would hold up in case of a bird-hit. He gave his brother-in-law's poultry business a contract to shoot birds at huge speeds at the latest F-35 at 1,000km/hr. Everyone expected the chicken t...

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Two Irish nuns were sitting in their car at a traffic light when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside.

"Hey, show us your tits you bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret and says "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!"

So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Sod off you little fucking wankers before I...

My friend Ray just passed away :(

He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back.

Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision

I went to the DIY shop

I went to the DIY shop and bought a curtain rail. The shop assistant asked if I was putting it up myself. I replied "no you dirty sod. I'm putting it up in the dining room"

A couple called in a contractor to do some updates to their house and landscape.

A couple called in a contractor to do some updates to their house and landscape. They all walk in to the bedroom and they tell him they were thinking about painting it blue because there's a baby boy on the way. He walks to the window and yells "Green side up!" The couple look at one another a bit c...

Two Irishmen sitting by the road...

Two Irishmen are sitting by the road when a truck loaded with rolls of turf (sod) drives past.
"Aye, Paddy. That's what I'm going to do when I'm rich."
"What's that then Declan?"
"I'm going to send my grass away to be mowed."

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There once live a man named Keith.

Keith’s mother had instilled in him the wisdom of an old adage: “Obsessions are only a problem if you have fewer than two.” To that end, Keith made sure that he always had at least two obsessions on the go. And as the years passed, and Keith married and settled down, two particular passions endured...

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Stunt Pilot!

A woman walks into a supermarket and on her way 'round she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening. She had gone home with him, shortly after they had met in a pub.

The young man is stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.

"You lying sod!" she yells, "Last night ...

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The Rangers, the Marines and the Police were doing training...

They all were out in the forest and the secretary of defense said "Listen up, your objective today is go out into the woods and bring me back a rabbit".

The Rangers went first, moving quickly and quietly through the trees. Within 5 minutes they brought back a little white rabbit unharmed....

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The Tax Poem

Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.

Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teac...

What's the difference between a girder and a joist?

it's my cake day, so here's my favorite joke.

An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply. The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn't care for Irishmen, thinks they're drunks and dumb and unreliable. But he knows he can't just come out and say that.<...

Bubba n' Buford

Bubba n' Buford were sittin' on their porch one afternoon drinkin' beer n' bein' entertained by the bug zapper when this semi haulin' sod comes over the hill n' passes in front of their trailer. Bubba declares, "When we get rich I'm gonna do that!". Buford, asks "Do what?". Bubba looks at Bufor...

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3 men die and go to heaven

So, they are waiting outside of the gates of heaven, when a flustered St Peter appears.

He loudly announces that due to overpopulation in heaven, only people who died in tragic ways will be allowed in until further notice.

A look of concern washes over the faces of some of the people ...

Farming

A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.


He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.


"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be lay...

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Good Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told...

Old technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American ...

Green side up.....

A newlywed couple is taking a tour of their potential first house with their realtor. The realtor shows them the first bedroom upstairs which is a kids bedroom. The realtor is going over the features when he suddenly walks over to the window, opens it up, and shouts "green side up!". The young coupl...

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Duck hunting

Once while afield in the Scottish moors, I shot a Bluewing Teal as it crested a low hill. Seeing it pinwheel out of sight in a cloud of feathers, I hotfooted over the hill to recover my dinner. As I passed the crest, I spotted an obvious Pakistani reaching for the duck.

"Hey! What the fuck ar...

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

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