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Mowing Jokes

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female !!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again ...

I saw a man crying while mowing his lawn

I asked him: "Is everything OK"?

He replied: "I'm just going through a rough patch".

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I was woken up from my drunken sleep by my neighbour mowing at 6am.

"Just fucking go around me!" I shouted.

To save on mowing, get an emo lawn,

It cuts itself.

Wife was mowing the yard in her bikini. Neighbor says "you should be hung!"

"I am; that's why she mows."

I was out mowing my lawn...

I was out mowing my lawn. When I had to stop and refill the mower with gasoline.

The gas can broke and spilled gasoline into a puddle. I went to get some absorbent to clean up the mess but found the local stray cat had lapped up all that spilled gasoline.

I tried catch it, but it wen...

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

I was mowing my lawn and I found a shallow unmarked grave and I can’t stop laughing

I don’t know why I just found this humerus

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Wife mowing the lawn

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from ...

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water....

Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

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Little Johnny is in grade two class when the teacher says, "Okay boys and girls, today we are going to learn a new word."

She writes the word on the chalkboard and asks, "Who knows how to say our new word?"
Little Johnny, who is sitting in the back, puts his hand up and yells, "Oh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me!"
The teacher knows Little Johnny is a troublemaker, and he will probably say something silly, s...

I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.

He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.

Woman mistakes Lee Trevino for a migrant worker

Lee Trevino is a Mexican-American who was one of the best golfers (and greatest characters) in the world. But when he was a young man, he would still mow his own lawn, and this is why.

He was a young golfer on the PGA Tour, and a married man, when one day he was out mowing the lawn in front ...

A man is standing in his front yard, drinking a beer in his boxer shorts…

His wife is mowing the lawn while he stands there doing nothing. The neighbor catches a sight of this and yells out, “you’re standing there drinking a beer while your wife mows the lawn?! You should be hung!!”
The man hollers back, “I Am!”

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I was mowing the lawn the other day and accidentally ran over my cat...

... Some would say I, tore that pussy up.

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A man is lying on a sun lounger drinking a beer while his wife struggles mowing the lawn with a push mower.

When their neighbour sticks his head over the fence and starts shouting at the man. "Look at you, sitting on your backside while your wife works her arse off! You should be bloody well hung!"

The man sets down his beer, looks his neighbour straight in the eye, and replies.

"I am. That'...

Neighbor lady stormed over and woke me up resting in the shade on a hot summer day

While my wife was mowing sweat pouring. And started yelling saying I needed to be hung.

I said I am that’s why she’s the one mowing.

A father heard his daughter praying inside her room...

Daughter: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, Goodbye grandpa..."
Dad: Honey, why did you say "goodbye grandpa"?
Daughter: I don't know daddy, it just feels right.

The grandpa died the following day but that dad thought it's just a coincidence.
One week later, he he...

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back an...

You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling?

Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?

The Lawyer and the Mexican

A lawyer and a Mexican live next to eachother in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine.
One day, they're both mowing the frontlawn. The Mexican says:

"You know, my house is worth more than yours."

The lawyer is confused. He responds:

"How? Our houses are identi...

Clueless Neighbor

My neighbor is a nice guy but he can be a little clueless. His wife spends every weekend out with her coworkers but he doesn't mind because he loves to work in their garden. One day when I was mowing the backyard I saw that he was pruning his prize roses when he started using colorful language and h...

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"Captain, I've lost my rifle!"

A group of soldiers are preparing for an attack from the enemy, when a private walks up to the captain and says "Captain, I've lost my rifle! What do I do?"

The captain thinks for a moment, then grabs a broom and hands it to the private.
He says "If any enemies show themselves, just point ...

Ernesto, the church gardener, would like to give his place to his friend Kamal, who is unemployed, but he knows that the priest is very strict on one point: All the staff must be Catholic. Unfortunately, Kamal is not Catholic. So Ernesto has an idea:

- Kamal, let's say you converted several years ago to the Catholic religion.

- That's nice, but I don't know anything about the Catholic religion.

- Don't worry, to verify that an employee is Catholic, the priest always asks the same questions. Since I've thought of everything, I'll ma...

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We've been having really nice weather lately.

Today my neighbor with the big tits was mowing the lawn topless. I just wish his wife would do the same.

I couldn’t believe it when I looked out my window and saw my seeing-impaired neighbour cutting his lawn.

It was blind-mowing!

Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?...

... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.

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Little Johnny is spending the weekend at his grandparents house

He is following his grandfather around. His grandfather gets on a big tractor to mow the lawn.

Fascinated, Johnny says, "Wow! Can i try to drive it?"

His granddad replies, "can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"

Johnny, shocked, says "No..."

"Then you're not old e...

Woke up at 6 o' clock this morning ...

...with a banging hangover listening to my neighbour mowing his lawn , was going to get up and throttle the sod , but then thought "To Heck with it , he can mow around me."

What do you call it when you use an app to pay your landscaper?

Ven-mowing

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So like, this guy was drinking beer and watching a basketball game on TV

while his wife was outside mowing the grass. He went out and asked "What are you going to make for dinner?" She said "How dare you ask me that! I'm doing all the work while you're sitting around. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and while he was eat...

TIL: Not to ask your wife...

When dinner will be ready if she’s outside mowing the lawn.

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How much do you get paid?

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, “Say, what do you get for yard work?...

There were five distinctive wet little thuds against the garden fence....

That told me mowing the lawn in my flip flops may not have been a great idea.

Why is the sky blue?

Son: Dad..Why is the sky blue?

Dad: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing the lawn.

I drool as I watch the gyro meat getting sliced off the stick for my wrap...

... then I wonder - is that how vegans feel when they watch someone mowing the lawn?

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A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up

After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have sex until your third trimester."

The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the law...

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DIARY of a POMMIE EXPAT in AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally...

A woman comes home from work...

And as she's pulling into her driveway, she sees that next door, the wife is mowing the lawn while the husband sits on the porch drinking lemonade.

It was an exceptionally hot day, and the woman is so shocked and outraged that she decides that she's going to give the husband a piece of her m...

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

A Blonde Checks Her Mail

A man was outside mowing his lawn, when the blonde next door came out and looked in her mailbox. She frowned and went back in.
After a few minutes the blonde came back out and looked in her mailbox again. She had the same reaction and then went in once more. The man was a little confused but...

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