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Laughed Jokes

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed

Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!”

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

My friends laughed at me

when I told them I have a girlfriend. They said she was like the square root of -100, a solid 10 but imaginary.

Well, joke is on them. They are also imaginary.

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is just awful, but I laughed. From a member of my weekly volunteer teaching group in Japan: My friend called me up and asked, "Hey are you free tonight?"

I replied, "Of course, I'm an American."

They laughed at my crayon drawing...

...now I laugh at their chalk outline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently did some stand-up comedy in a pub, My mate asked me how it went. "Brilliant," I replied, "It was better than sex." He laughed and said, "Is it because you actually heard a few groans?"

"No," I replied with a smile, "I lasted two minutes"

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become an optician

But they'll see, they'll all see.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever laughed so hard you've pooped yourself?

That'll be self defecating humour.

My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.

A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.

Can we please stop with the meta “because she’s dead” punchlines? I’ve been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn’t laughed at a single one of them.

Because she’s dead.

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

My buddy sidled up next to me at the club and said, "Hate to be the one to break this to you, but I just saw some dude put his arms around your girl three times." I laughed and told him I didn’t believe him because...

Nobody’s got arms that long.

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

Thanksgiving An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman.

Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving morning. The old man is sleeping in and the old lady is in the initial steps of preparing the turkey. While she has a handful of turkey innards, she gets an idea:

...

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

What is the dumbest joke you’ve laughed at?

The Mirror.

I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed.

Guess my thymine was off.

They all laughed when I told them that one day I’d discover the secret to invisibility

If only they could see me now

I laughed at a lot of the posts here on Reddit.

They /r/jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If butts didn't want to be laughed about

They wouldn't make so many fart jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife of 25 years laughed when I said I still had the body of a sexy model.

Until she checked the deep freeze in the garage.

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed.

They're not laughing now!!

I was in a bar getting drunk last night, when the bartender shouted out, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted back, “I do, in fact, I know the entire alphabet!” Everyone in the bar laughed and laughed...

Well, all except for one guy...

My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" She replied, "As old as me." He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!" She reasoned...

"Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."

I saw anti-maskers in Wallmart recently and I laughed at them

But I remembered my parents told me not to make fun of mentally disabled people

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family is driving... (don't know how old this but I laughed)

A family is driving along the highway when all of a sudden someone throws a dildo out of their window.

The dildo lands with a bang on the families windshield and everyone gets a big fright. With horror in their eyes the parents stare at each other and the father turns on the wipers, but it's...

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes, we have verbal sex everyday.” the woman answered. “Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex!” the doctor laughed. “No, I mean verbal sex.” the woman persisted...

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’"

My parents laughed when I out-joked my dad.

My mother called my father a joke, and my dad said, "Not as much of a joke as our kid."

They both started laughing.

I told a joke to a bunch of guys. They laughed. Now I'm going to prison.

For manslaughter.

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