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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

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A pegleg man is at the amusement park...

He is a foot short for every ride.

He leaves and goes to his favorite restaurant:

IHOP.

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Hear about the vampire who quit his job at the Amusement Park?

He used to set up the Hall of Mirrors but he just couldn't see himself doing it anymore.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

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I got ripped off at the amusement park.

A guy sold me tickets to the ferrous wheel.

Turns out it’s made of aluminium.

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

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A family was at an amusement park.

When the young daughter got tired, her dad put her up on his shoulders. But then she started picking at his hair. Wincing, her dad said, “If you keep pulling my hair, you’re going to have to get down off my shoulders.”

“But Dad,” the kid replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back.”

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So my friend brought me to an amusement park...

...and we got onto one of the rides. It was one of those really whirly ones, and afterward we got off and I wanted to throw up. My friend got me a bag to throw up in.

After that, I started feeling dizzy. I told him, and he thought it may have been dehydration. We went to get drinks.

T...

It always amuses me to think what must have happened in Star Trek over the next three hundred years for a Frenchman like Picard to have an English accent...

And not an Arabic one.

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Why did the kid cross the amusement park?

To get to the other ride.

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Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

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Neil the trucker

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes:

"I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel."

And he sings this every five minutes.



At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the h...

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Old man

is sitting on his porch. He see’s a boy called Little Billy walking on his way over a hill with a spool of chickenwire. Walking by his house the old man yells at Little Billy,”Where ya going there with that chickenwire?” Billy replied “ Ima get me some chickens!” Billy walked by and went along over ...

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

Dave is a good worker

Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come.

"I'm sorry Boss," said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it see...

When my friends wife was in labor, he would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain but this didn't amuse her much.

I guess it was the delivery.

A man is on vacation in Spain.

He stops at a local inn to stay and is having a drink down in the bar.

Once there he was challenged by the bartender to win a free meal and a drink. He needs only score higher on a trivia quiz against a very smart chicken.

Amused and figuring he couldn’t lose to a bird he accepts. Th...

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**



edit:

* I meant to note that I originally posted this as a comment in another joke, but thought I'd try it as a stand-alone joke

* This is literally a true story. She gave birth to an amazing little girl on Tuesday evening.

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Sad But True

A 37 yr old virgin, exiting a bus, passes the grand opening of a new pet store, on her way to work. Out in front of the pet store on a perch is a parrot. Now there's a reason why this lady is a virgin and it is not by choice. So as she's passing the parrot, it says, "Hey lady" A little amused, she r...

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An American husband and wife are visiting a small town in France for their anniversary.

They decide to get brunch at a cute little cafe near their hotel.

After being seated and deliberating the short menu, the waiter arrives and asks, in a thick French accent, "allo, ca va?"

The man stops him, "Ah, sorry, we don't speak French. Do you--"

"--Ah, oui, not a problem. ...

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What amusement park ride has a lot of iron?

The ferous wheel.

What do you call it when you get cleaned up right before someone eats you out?

An amuse-douche.

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A regular at a popular bar got into a friendly bet with the bartender.

He challenged the bartender to a tasting contest.


He claimed that he could name any drink that the bartender could whip up. If he could name every one of them right, all his drinks would be on the house. If he lost, he had to pay for all his drinks, and an additional £50.


Amus...

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused"...

Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

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A Married Couple Terrified a Cab Driver.

They were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater, having had a break-in in the past, they turned on a nightlight and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When their cab arrived, they walked out from their front door and their rather tubby cat sc...

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A little boy wanders into a construction site next to his house.

A few hours later, he comes home and quickly finds his dad.

"Dad guess what. The guys at the construction site showed me how to build a house."

The dad excited, asked his son to show him what he learned. The son gets a roll of string, hands one end to his dad, runs to the other sid...

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How did Captain America lose track of Black Widow at the amusement park?

She was secretly Romanoff.

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Pet Alligator

A man walks into a bar with a live alligator under his arms. Dumps the animal on the bar counter and asks for a beer. The bartender almost shits his pants and shouts: "What the hell is wrong with you, get that thing out of here!!"

Man: "Don't worry, I tamed my pet gator very well and he won't...

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A German liked to amuse himself by scaring every Jew he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Yamaka.

He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down ...

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What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks?

Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.

Native American name - a true story

25 years ago, I worked with a guy named Kee Smith (last name changed here... this is really a real story). Kee was sort of a crunchy granola type of European ancestry. Eventually, he told the story about his unusual name.

He said he was born on a reservation, and he was placed in a bassinet...

I believe god created the earth solely to amuse himself.

I am a Recreationist.

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

I went for a guide through a factory once, but was not amused...

It was a dissatisfactory.

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A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union

He goes up to the window, noses a form toward the clerk, and seems to indicate he wants to send a message.


The clerk is amused and laughs a little as she says, "okay, boy, what do you want it to say?"


The dog barks, "Woof-woof, woof-woof-woof, woof, woof-woof."

The clerk...

A chicken goes into a library.

He goes up to the counter.

“Book book book!” He squawks.

Amused, the librarian grabs three random books from the return stack and gives them to the chicken who leaves with them.

The next day the chicken returns the three books and says “book book book” again. He gets his three ...

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Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

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The missus was not amused

A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of breasts are there?”

The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her bre...

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How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?

Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.

as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask

"Are these from your seat ? "

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Imagine if they made an amusement park called Sex Flags

It would be a fucking roller-coaster

I am not amused by mean jokes

Sometimes I consider them too average

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My wife, Father and mother in-law, and myself are at dinner. The restaurant is packed. I say, "Service sure is slow tonight." Father In Law, "Tell me something I *don't* know." followed by a smirk. Feigning a smile, I ignore the comment.

A little later into dinner my wife and I are talking about some car trouble we were having this past week. I say, "Ford should really figure out their electrical." Father in law chimes in uninvited, "Tell me something I *don't* know!"

"Ok, 'dad'. Funny.", I think to myself. I again ignore the...

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Tried to translate a Turkish joke, hope it makes sense

Temel and his wife Fadime were at an amusement park. Fadime asked Temel if she could swing on the swing set. He refused, saying that other people would be able to see her panties. She asked him several times but Temel said no.

Minutes passed by and Temel had to use the restroom. When he got b...

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Look down the front of your shirt, and spell "Attic" out loud.

One genuine dad joke for your amusement!

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Did you know Hellen Keller had an amusement park in her backyard?

Neither did she.

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.

Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What...

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My Dick is Like an Amusement Park

Kids ride free

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Just a prick...

An elephant is walking through the jungle and steps on a large thorn. He cries out! There is no way for him to pul it out... and every step, is a nightmare. After several failed attempts, he begins to cry in frustration.

A large ant is walking through the vicinity, and sees the pitiful eleph...

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The amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my consent

When i found out, i was fluming!

Walk

I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, ...

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left, "I fucking missed again!"...

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the...

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John and the parrot

John brought home a parrot as his pet. He taught the bird how to speak, and was amazed at its learning pace. Being a quick learner, the parrot started picking up words from its surroundings and would keep John entertained.

All was lovely and peaceful until one fine day, the parrot started usi...

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There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

He thought it was just a bug bite but he doubted it. After about 25 days, the bulge became very big. So he went for a doctor's appointment.

The doctor did the scans necessary and found out that he was growing ...

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

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I was at an amusement park with my friends.

They all said the invisible roller coaster was great, but I didn't see the attraction.

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

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Man runs out of fuel with Harley Davidson (very long)

There once was this man who always wanted a Harley Davidson. And one day he finally had enough money to do so.

When he went to buy his dream motorcycle the guy from the schop gave him a bucket of lube. The man asked: “wat’s the lube for”, is and the guy from the shop says: “because you have a...

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At the amusement park

A drunken man approaches the shooting gallery and wants to have a go. Amazingly enough, he shoots a perfect score.
As it happends, the first prize is a pet turtle. The man recieves the turtle and wanders off.

Some time later, the same man returns, now even more drunk. Again, he shoots a p...

Praying hands

In Tulsa, OK, on the campus of Oral Roberts University (Oral Roberts was one of those famous money hungry televangelists) there is a giant statue of a set of praying hands. It was discovered one day that they had broken apart and separated. They had construction engineers, all kinds of equipment, ex...

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NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

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At the amusement park's Haunted House, the toilets are three inches taller than normal.

They like to keep visitors on their toes.

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I took the family to an amusement park and they all got thirsty at once.

Fortunately we were close to a big soda shop, a circular building with lines of varying lengths standing at most of the windows.

"Excuse me," I asked a park employee, "Which window do we go to?"

"Each window is for a different drink, so just go straight to the one for what you want. If...

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Guy walks into an amusement park

... and sees a big sign that reads, "Three balls 25¢"
So he walks up to the lady behind the counter, pulls down his pants and says, "Ok, gimme a quarter."

John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter -

\- with millions of clocks around the room.

Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?"

Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies."

So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twic...

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

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A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.

So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge.
She finds a shepherd with a big herd,
and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep.
The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and te...

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

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A blondie goes to the casino

A beautiful blonde girl goes to the casino with all her cash and sits at the roulette desk. She goes to the clerk and asks if she can play being nude.

The amused clerk asked, "This is an open club and you are free to do anything you want but why would you do something like this?", to which t...

A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

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A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

My wife wasn't amused...

Her: Be careful traffic is crazy.

Me: If I can handle you, traffic should be a cinch!

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

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The Pilot

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today
and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the inte...

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

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My teacher pointed a scale at me and said "at the end of this scale, there is an idiot"

Then i asked something and she sent me out of the class.

Apparently, asking "at which end?" did not amuse her.

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A Nazi goes to a bar...

A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amu...

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughi...

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