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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench when I approached her, opened my raincoat and exposed myself to her. "Hello!" I grinned, pointing to my genitals, "do you know what this is?"

She adjusted her glasses, squinted for a moment and said, "Yes! It looks just like a penis -- only *much* smaller."

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

Teacher in class asks riddles. She asks little Johnny:

"It's a small animal with 4 legs. What is it?"

Little Johnny says: "Dog."

Teacher replies: "But could be a cat too. Alright, another one. It's a long, thin animal with no legs."

Little Johnny: "A snake."

Teacher: "Could be. But could also be an eel."

Little Johnny:...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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A couple goes to Jamaica for their 10th anniversary.

The man says, "You know what? We should get each other's initials tattooed on our genitals to prove our loyalty to each other" and his wife agreed. A few days later, they're walking on a nude beach when he noticed with a brief glance from the side, it looked like another guy had a matching tattoo. T...

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Two statues were in a park

Two statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such great statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can...

Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a cha...

A business owner posted an ad on classifieds looking for logo designers...

The ad said: "Looking for a talented youth that can design an attractive logo. As I am a small business owner, the work is unpaid. You will be working for exposure."

A recently graduated graphic designer reads this ad. As he was unemployed and struggling to find a job, he thought that he woul...

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

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Willie's Buds

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join...

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

85 year ol man marries....

And sees his doctor "I just married an 18 year old au pair girl, and she wants to have a baby as I am getting old. Is there anything I can do to help speed this up?"

Doctor looks at the old man and says "get a young lodger!" With a wry smile.

5 months later the old man visits his doct...

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

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True love

A young man has just gotten married to his beautiful wife. Since he cannot wipe off his shit-eating grin, his friends ask him what’s going on?
“I just got the best blowjob of my damned life” he replies.

Meanwhile, the new bride cannot seem to wipe her shit-eating grin from off her face, ...

A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

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A man and a woman are on a golf course

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

Bef...

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

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Be cautious of what you wish for and be kind

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he woul...

A group of blondes walk into a bar

They immediately start to set up what looks like a big celebration; they order numerous pitchers of beer, then push tables together, one of them even hangs a big banner over it. As they're celebrating, the bartender notices that the banner says **"51 DAYS!"**

Curious, he walks over to the cel...

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

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A blonde girl in second grade comes home one day really excited with a large grin on her face,

Running to her mother she says, "Mom!! mom! Today the teacher asked what letter comes after S, and i was the first in class to say T! Is it because I'm smarter?" Her mom sighs, "Yes honey."

The very next day she runs home from school and with a large proud smile on her face she tells her moth...

A kinky passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.

"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

A man finally gets the girl of his dreams

After she yes to dating him, he’s so ecstatic he takes her to the mall to go shopping. And after a few minutes of shopping, he notices the line for the cashier stretched long, around the mall. But he’s too excited to care for long.

Next his girlfriend suggests lunch, which both are quite hung...

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

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Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

A construction worker sits down in his favourite pub at the end of a long, exhausting week.

He orders a beer and takes a sip in pure bliss. From the corner of his eye he notices a cute little girl, but he pays no mind. All he can think of is the shimmering glass in his hands, filled to the brim with golden ale. As the night progresses, the folk get cheerier and louder each passing minute. ...

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I was dancing with a woman in a bar and things were getting heated.

"Want to go back to my place?" I asked.

"Of course," she grinned.

"Nice," I replied, handing her my keys. "Just let the dog out for a shit, please."

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A man takes his friend hunting.

Boudreaux takes his buddy Thibodeaux hunting with him one day. Thibodeaux is new to hunting and is very tired from getting up early. They split up and start hunting for the day. After a few hours, Thibodeaux needs to take a shit. He squats against a tree and starts to go, but he falls asleep mid pro...

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A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear.

He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I ha...

A man walks into a crowded bar on a Friday night, and there’s a big commotion going on

Curious, he walks into the crowd and tries to find what is so exciting. Looking up, he sees several pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. Even more curious now, but also rather thirsty, he works his way to the bar tender. The man asks the bartender, “Why are there pieces of meat hanging from the ...

Uncle Names Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud m...

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Todd comes into work one morning just grinning, and struts straight over to his coworker Jim.

"Damn, man! You know that new secretary, Tiffany? I banged her last night, and I gotta tell you! She was so hot in bed, she was even better than my wife!"

Jim high-fives him and they head off to work.

A few days later, Jim comes strutting in, grinning, and walks straight over to Todd.<...

A boy and a girl are playing naked in the sand, when the boy starts laughing at the girl that she does not have a peepee. The girl just grins and says...

When I grow up, I will have as many peepees as I like.

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Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

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A Newfie Applies for a Job.

A foreman at a construction site in Ontario is screening new applicants.

In walks a man with an odd demeanor and accent and says, "I'm after gettin this job here, I've be's findin yer ad!" and the foreman, stunned for a moment, thinks in his head 'Oh no, it's a Newfoundlander..' and while giv...

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
“I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be...

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

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An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other

Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

He's a bit confused, so he calls the clerk over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”

The kindly old clerk replies, with a sly g...

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A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot ...

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak...

A man is asked by his friends why he doesn't have a life insurance policy

"Because I want everybody to be really sad when I die!" He grins.

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The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...

..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best blow job in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "W...

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Therapist

A Therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?”
Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members ...

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Another hooker from Crewe limerick

There was a young hooker from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in -
they can pay to get out again too".

I'm here all week.

A soldier, airman, marine, and a sailor walk into a bar...

The soldier boasts, "Our camouflage is so good, we put 50 men in the desert and only 20 were found."

The airman retorts, "That's nothing. Our camouflage is so effective, we put 50 jets in the sky, and only 15 were found!"

The marine says, with a big grin, "Amateurs, our camouflage is s...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

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All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.



Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parkin...

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Magic

After a long show, Marvelous Mike, an old magician enters a McDonald's. Not without Schadenfreude, he realizes that the cashier is his old competitor Harry Houdini.

Feigning empathy, he asks "Oh Harry. I cannot believe that such a gifted artist would end up like this. Anyway, may I have BigM...

Olie walks into the diner and sits down next to Sven at the counter, a huge grin on his face...

Sven says, "Hey, Olie! Whatcha grinnin' about?"

Olie says, "I had a very nice date with Leena last night."

"Oh? Do tell!"

"Well, she picked me up in that new pick-up of hers and we went for a drive through the woods. After a spell, she pulled off the main road down this little p...

An old Lithuanian joke (roughly translated)

Two men of which one had a really bad stutter decided to climb mount everest. They set up at the bottom, waved to everyone who came to wish them luck and started climbing... Around 8 hours of exhausting climbing later the one with the stutter goes "I-I-I f-f-f-f" the other one cuts him off and goes ...

A girl invites her best friend to her Birthday party

At her birthday party while everyone else is away and having fun her best friend eats her whole cake. They catch her and of course the birthday girl is upset, but she manages to calm down and act like everything is fine, deciding to get her revenge another time.

Then several months later it's...

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

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Husband wakes up to his wife up in bed grinning ear to ear.

Husband asks her the reason as to why she's so happy.

Wife : I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.

Husband : How about the ones like mine?

Wife : Those they gave away.

Husband : I had a drea...

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
...

Alice was leaving school when a boy from her class bet her $5 that she couldn’t climb up the school’s flagpole

She did, slid down, collected her $5 and went home.
When she walked into the kitchen to tell her mom, her mom said “Oh, sweetie. He just wanted to look up your skirt and see your panties.”

The following day, the same boy bet her $10 that she couldn’t do it faster than she did the da...

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A groom meets up with his groomsmen at the alter with a huge smile on his face.

The best man looks at him and says, "wow, dude, you are really looking forward to this, huh?" The groom replies, "bro, I just got the best blow job I have ever had in my LIFE, and a I'm about to marry that girl!"
While waiting for the wedding procession to start, the bride had a wide grin on her ...

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A biker ...

Walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger – 2.99

Cheeseburger – 3.99

Chicken Sandwich – 4.99

Hand Job – 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks ...

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Two brothers walk into a bar

"I'm sorry Seamus, you're barred from last time" said the barkeep, "but Patrick can come in."

So Patrick winks at his brother, and walks up to the bar alone.

"Two pints please". The barkeep pours him the beers, and Patrick takes them both outside, only to come back barely a minute la...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

Great grandma calling her shot

My great grandmother was notorious for kind of edgy but hilarious jokes.. she also lived to 103 and 50 weeks.

At her funeral her daughter told my brother and I about the last time she saw her. She said she was getting everything together to leave and had told her mother goodbye and that she’...

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A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer

...he is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of Whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman rep...

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There was a guy leaving Las Vegas and needed a taxi ride to the airport..

There was a line of taxis outside the casino, waiting for customers. Unfortunately for the man he lost all of his money gambling. He approached the first taxi, he asked the fella for a ride and promised him to pay him $5,000 the next time he visited Vegas (since he usually wins big when he is there)...

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

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A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand.

The sign above read, "We have
peaches that taste like anything
and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and
decided to stop.
He thought this has to be
bullshit. So he approaches the
old, feeble man behind the
stand and says, "So, you have
peaches that taste l...

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

Just some cake, please

Nothing looked good on the chow hall/mess line, so he only selected a large piece of chocolate cake.

The cook asked him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?"

To which the sailor replied, "Yeah, the rest of the choices don’t look too appealing to me."

The cook grinned at the sailor a...

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Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

A chef sees a plate on the floor.

He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

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Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

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A man is sitting at a bar...

He has been there for three hours just nursing a beer with a shit eating grin on his face. The bartender (after noticing this man has purchased nothing more) walks up to him and says "Dude. You've been here forever with that warm beer, and that dumb smile. What the hell are you so happy about?" ...

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

A man tells his date

A man tells his date “ I work with animals”

And she said “ I love a man who that cares about animals, where do you work?”

And with a grin on his face the man said “I’m a butcher.”

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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High School on Valentine's Day

A high school thought it might be a fun activity to let the teenagers cut out paper hearts, put the name or wish of their valentine on the card anonymously, and hang them on a chainlink fence at the entrance of the school. Of course someone had to take them all off afterwards. So the day following V...

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A masochist, a sadist, and a redditor walk into a bar...

The masochist gets excited and walks into it again.
The sadist grins and sits back to watch.
The redditor groans in pain, wondering who put it there and writes a better joke in the comments.

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The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

Me hiding under the table from the giant...

Giant: I’ll grind your bones to make my bread

Me: *steps out with a grin* Well don’t eat my humerus bone because that’ll taste funny.

Giant: *throws me off the bean stalk*

The Evil Hitchhiker?

So "I" was driving (it's told from the first person) - saw a hitchhicker. It was dark and raining and he looked a little rough, but I picked him up anyway..

After he climbs in and we pull back out onto the highway, he turns to me and, with a wry grin and a glint in his eye, says "How do y...

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

Miniskirt

In the queue at the bus stop is a young pretty lady.
She is dressed in a very tight leather miniskirt and matching leather boots and leather jacket.
The bus comes and it is her turn. When she tries to get on the bus she notices that because of the tight miniskirt she can't get her leg high eno...

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A captain and his 2 crewmates survive a storm and...

They wake up at the beach of an island after a while crew gets hungry and starts to explore jungle hoping to find some food.
Suddenly captain and 2 men get caught by rapist cannibals.Leader of cannibals approach first crewmate and ask
" Makhook or death"
first men choose Makhook which he ...

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members attending a premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

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A man went to his doctor because he had trouble peeing...

He complained about how he had to struggle to even get a few drops out. Frowning for a brief moment, the doctor assures him that a simple surgery would fix the problem.
The next day, the man returns to the hospital for the surgery and the doctor proceeds, the only issue being that the man's testi...

There once was a woman that was married to a man who would make extremely foul and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up.

Every time he did, the woman got angry and told him, “One of these days, Walter, you’re going to fart your guts out!”

One morning, the woman woke up early to cook a turkey for a dinner they were hosting that evening. As she removed the turkey’s entrails, she had an idea to teach her husband a...

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A couples therapist believes the amount of sex you have is directly related to happiness, so he decides to test his theory at his next seminar.

He addresses the crowd in attendance and asks "How many couples here tonight have sex once a day?"

To the therapists delight, about half of the crowd raise their hands with wide, toothy grins across their faces.

The therapist then asks "How many have sex once a week?"

Roughly a ...

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

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Army man is out on his first tour

He says to his superior: what do we do for women round here?

He replies: well private, this is an all men camp; but there’s a town about 8miles away. Plenty of women there

Private says: damn 8 miles... that’s pretty far. What do we do if we get desperate?

Superior says: well t...

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The Horny Hare and The Bear

In a forest a deer is drowning, the Hare and the Bear jump into the lake and save the deer. The deer transforms into a fairy and gives both three wishes.

The Hare, who is a womanizer, wishes that all hares in the forest are female. The Hare begins to screw its way through the forest.
...

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Nsfw.The hard of hearing genie.

Three people ran into a genie on their way home.
The genie was holding a sign that read he will grant one wish per person, but the he is hard of hearing so wish carefully.
The first wisher, a young man, yelled his wish.
A twelve inch penis.
What he got was a twelve inch pianist.
The s...

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

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A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines.

"When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and
soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with
the hottest water I can stand, especially around the
forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my
head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, th...

A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her h...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To bock traffic.
(A kid I work with told this to me with the biggest grin on their face, I had a laugh and felt the need to share this.)

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The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me ton...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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Genie in a vase

(Really long joke)

A young married couple were out playing golf for the first time when the husband overhit a drive towards a mansion just outside the course. They find the window broken and the door to into the mansion half opened when they rushed over. Thinking it best to just sincerely a...

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

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A man wakes up

A man wakes up in a dimly lit room with three doors. On each door, there is a picture of a different type of food. The first door has a picture of eggs, second has a picture of cereal and the third has a picture of beans.

The man decides to try the first door, so he opens it. Behind it is a ...

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NSFW - Leprechaun at a urinal

So this guy Jimmy is on a road trip home from college when he stops at a rest stop to relieve himself. As he enters the bathroom he notices a leprechaun at the urinals. He walks up to the urinal next to it and starts doing his business, but while doing so cant help but notice that this leprechaun ha...

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The Invitation

A writer decides to get away from it all so he can finish his novel undisturbed, so he rents an isolated cabin way up in the mountains and takes up residence in it. His closest neighbor is several miles away, but he does catch a glimpse of him from afar once in a while, when the neighbor is out hunt...

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A Stormtrooper and a Twi’lek prostitute are chatting after sex

She says to him, “You know, I’ve fucked guys from the Empire and from the Resistance and I’m more partial to you Imperials.”

“Why is that?” Asks the stormtrooper.

“Well you guys always seem to last longer.”

“Is that so? Whats wrong with the Rebels?”

“Well,” she says with...

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An English Carpenter, an Irish Plumber, and a Chinese Laborer are hired to work a construction site...

The night before they start, the foreman explains “ok, the Englishman is going to build the frame, the Irishman will be running the pipes, and the Chinese guy is responsible for bringing the supplies, got it?”

The three nod, and agree to start setting up the next morning at 8am.

The fo...

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A man wakes up in bed after a night of hard boozing...

His first thought is that he's in big trouble with his wife, but she waltzes into the room with a sunshiny grin and hands him a tray loaded with breakfast in bed. While he's eating, she slips under the covers and gives him a deliriously good blowjob.

"I don't get it, honey," the guy says. "I...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that....

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