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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”

“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

He’s not too sheepish

A sheepdog walks past a flock of sheep when one of the sheep shouts out;
“Hey! Your maw loves the boaby almost as much as your da does!”

“Excuse me? What did you just say about my family?!” Snarled the sheepdog.

The sheep smirked “You herd me.”

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The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.

Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

While we were on our honeymoon, I sheepishly told my wife that I was still married to someone else.

She thought that was really bigamy to admit.

A man finally gets the girl of his dreams

After she yes to dating him, he’s so ecstatic he takes her to the mall to go shopping. And after a few minutes of shopping, he notices the line for the cashier stretched long, around the mall. But he’s too excited to care for long.

Next his girlfriend suggests lunch, which both are quite hung...

Three Men stand before the gates of heaven

The angel who was the keeper of the pearl gates then asks how each of the three mean died. The first man, a big burly individual said "I'd suspected my wife of cheating for some time now, so I came home early to confront her when I was positive the other man was somewhere in our apartment. And when ...

Golf with Ed

Dan was busy at work when he saw Randy and Ed come in for their shifts looking very upset at each other. He tried asking Ed what was wrong, but Ed just pointed to Randy and said "Ask him!".

So Dan asks Randy what happened. Randy sighed and said "Well Dan, would you play with someone who cheat...

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A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

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So a son goes up to his dad one day looking very sheepish.

He finally works up the courage and looks his father in the eyes and says, "Dad, I think I'm gay."


Now the father is shocked by all this but he says to his son, "Now that's quite a thought. Know that I'll love you no matter what, but I have to ask, why is it you think you're gay"

<...

An Old Friend........

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch, when he noticed an old friend of his who was also dining there.

What really caught the farmer’s attention, was that his friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew that his old friend was a fairly conservative fellow, so he was really cu...

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbl...

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

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All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.



Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parkin...

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven...

As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him.
“Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.”
Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him.
“Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three quest...

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

A school district superintendent, known for his fiery temper, visits a high school one day. He becomes so annoyed with the staff's incompetence that he yells without thinking, "Half of this school's staff is unfit to work in a high school!"

Naturally, everyone stops and stares as the superintendent. "I'm sorry," he says sheepishly. "What I meant to say was that half of this school's staff is *not* unfit to work in a high school!"

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Jack and Jill have been married for forty years

And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you've ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tell him that one day he's gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.

After so...

Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members attending a premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

Three men all passed away on Christmas Eve.

. Upon arrival at the pearly gates Saint Peter was feeling Joyous.

He asked each of them if they could produce something of the season he would grant them quick admission

The first fellow thought for a moment, pulled out a set of keys from his pocket, showed them To St. Peter, and repl...

A priest and a rabbi, old friends, are talking about their youthful indiscretions.

So the priest says, "tell me, have you ever tasted pork?"

The rabbi, slightly ashamed, admits: "Yes, once when I was young..."

After a thoughtful pause, the rabbi asks the priest, "tell me, have you ever made love to a woman?"

Sheepishly, the priest admits: "Yes, once when I was...

Rhonda in the pub

Rhonda wandered down to her local public house, for one of their themed dining nights.

Tonight was Chiili, paired with either rum , absinthe or gin. As she entered, she encountered the fragrant aroma of spicy beef and beans, although there was also the faint undernotes of an aroma associated...

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One ticket to Boobston

The year is 1993 a young upstart business executive has to take a quick trip to Boston for a board meeting.

Running late he didn't have time to have his administrative assistant call ahead and book his flight, so he decided just to do it himself once he got to the airport.

After being ...

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3 men die and go to heaven

So, they are waiting outside of the gates of heaven, when a flustered St Peter appears.

He loudly announces that due to overpopulation in heaven, only people who died in tragic ways will be allowed in until further notice.

A look of concern washes over the faces of some of the people ...

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A little old woman went to the drugstore and pleaded, "My husband isn't performing as he should, do you have anything that can help?"

The pharmacist smiled and said, "Yes, of course! Viagra!"

Puzzled, she asked, "Is it any good?"

"It's marvelous! I take it myself!" he exclaimed.

"Sounds brilliant, can you get it over the counter?" she inquired.

Sheepishly, he responded, "Well, only if I take four!"

Staying safe

A young woman was walking through the park late one night on her way home. Known to be a risky part of the neighbourhood, she feared the worst when a sinister looking man stopped her in her tracks. The man, while eyeing the handbag she had slung on her side, questioned, "where are you heading lady?"...

Two American tourists were backpacking in Europe

..when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again in Fr...

Why did The Shepherd Lose His Job?

He was sheepish around the animals

A penguin is driving along...

A penguin is driving along when he starts having engine trouble, lights blinking...steam hissing..

He pulls over at the first repair shop he sees and the mechanic comes out to meet him. After a minute or two, the mechanic tells the penguin, "I'm a little backed up now, but if you give me a co...

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

A Bad Sign

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had s...

Karma works in strange ways.........

My friend invited me on the opening of a charitable organisation for cancer. I sat in the front row and listened to the impressive speeches and had Good Buffet meal at the break. When the rest of the program finished and the Donation Box was being passed around, I sheepishly pulled out an old worn o...

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!


The CEO ...

A man goes to church by himself one Sunday, leaving his wife at home who had a cold.

Upon his return from church, his wife noticed that he had two black eyes. “What in the world happened to you??”

The man explained, sheepishly, “Well, we stood up for the first hymn and there in the pew in front of me was Sue Ellen. Don’t you know, she was wearing one of them dresses she wears...

Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...

"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."

"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food f...

An original light bulb story

A student, let's call him Kevin, was having an oral exam in philosophy with his professor. Naturally, Kevin didn't study and couldn't answer any of the questions, even the easiest ones. The professor felt pity for him and gave him one last chance:

"Ok Kevin, if you can answer this question y...

I'll tell you a joke!

There's a man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just craw...

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A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, ...

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

How did the lamb tell the other lamb that it had a crush on her?

Sheepishly.

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A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in sh...

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A man goes running on the beach every morning. (Nsfw)

So there's this guy and every morning he goes for a run on the beach.


One day he sees a woman, with no arms and no legs just lying in the sand and crying.


So he walks up to her and asks what's wrong and she says


" well all my life, nobody has ever given me a hug." ...

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A pianist once played for a porn movie.

He decided to go to the adult movie theatre just so he could hear his own piano.

At the theatre he got very uncomfortable and embarrassed. The movie was very graphic. It involved group sex, double penetration and even a dog.


On exiting the theatre he locked eyes with the couple ...

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A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people who lie, when he gets home for dinner he decides to test it out.

He asks his son what he did this afternoon,

The son says "I went to friends house and did homework." The robot slapped him.

"Ok, I lied. We watched a movie." he sheepishly said.

"What movie?" asked the father.

"Toy Story." The son answered and was again slapped by the r...

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

Woody walks in on Bo Peep cheating on him with Buzz...

"How could you do this!?" Woody shouts.

"Woody," says Bo Peep sheepishly, "You've got a friend in me."

My visit to the pet store

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The owner replies, "I'm fresh out, but I do have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too mu...

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

Baseball bet

Two guys are sitting at the bar watching a baseball game when the batter hits a high pop fly to center field.

The first guy says “I’ll bet you $50 bucks he drops it.”

Second guy says “You’re on. That’s an easy play.”

The centerfield proceeds to drop the ball and the second gu...

The Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my l...

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A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

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The frustrated parents of an acting-out adolescent go to a developmental therapist for advice on how to handle their kid.

"We don't get it, doc," the father begins, "A couple of months ago, she just stopped talking to us."

"Completely locked us out of everything," the mother continues, "We didn't change anything or do anything different, but it's like a switch was flipped, or something."

The therapist, st...

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.

When he became tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"You...

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

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The Sex Professor

A professor gave a lecture to a room of university students, entitled "The Correlation Between Sex and Happiness".

He was determined to try out his theory with a simple test, and so asked any students who had sex once a week to stand up. Those who did laughed sheepishly or giggled, and the p...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

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Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.



Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"



"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.



Grandpa said to come back and talk when it could.<...

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A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

Buying Condoms....

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and the...

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

Moses and Jesus decide to play golf.

First hole is a par 4, fairly straight but there's a pond that stretches from the front of the tee to a spot about 200 yards down the fairway. Jesus pulls a 4-iron out of his bag and steps up to the tee.

Moses can't believe it. "A 4-iron? Are you nuts? You can't clear the water with tha...

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

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Bialy and Bagel Factory

The health inspector goes to make his surprise visit to a bialy and bagel factory for it's annual inspection. There, he see a large, hairy shirtless man picking up bialy dough from a conveyor belt and pressing it into his man boob, living the bialy indentation and putting it back on the conveyor be...

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, a...

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A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.

Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.

He had a great time, the...

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Two Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines ...

A man with a wooden eye...

A man with a wooden eye is very self-conscious about his looks but also very lonely.

At the advice of his doctor, he decides to go to a local meetup with people who have similar disabilities.

After a while of listening to the music and looking around at the ladies he builds up the cour...

A man is out with his friends at a bar. He says “last night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees...”

His friends say “wow, man! Way to go! then that happened?!”
The man finishes his drink, sheepishly looks down and says “she said ‘come out from under the bed and fight like a man!’ “

Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue

and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy.
Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be a...

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Little Johnny.

Little Johnny says very sheepishly to his Teacher, Sir would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher replies of course not:

Johnny says thank fuck for that, I haven't done my homework.

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

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A wealthy man went to see his family doctor for his annual physical...

The doctor asked the man if he was experiencing any changes to his health.
Shyly the man replies, "Well, actually Doc, I do have a new problem. You see, I've been fooling around with the maid and I think she gave me VD..."

"Oh, I see," says the Doctor, "looks like we'll need to run a few e...

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar after a long day at the office. On his way in, he sees a man sitting there wearing extravagant clothes, with the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. As he approaches the bar he notices the man has an extremely small head, which is made worse due to the disproportiona...

My best joke in 40 year of joke telling

A woman goes to her doctor for a check up. During the post check up consult the doctor says
“Mrs. Jones you are in very good health but, I couldn’t help but notice the abrasions on your elbows and knees. Can you tell me what is causing them?

Sheepishly she responds “Maybe it is because I...

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A dermatologist sees a patient with a rash

One cold April morning, a dermatologist sees a young, female patient who says she has a skin problem on her chest. He tells her to lift the shirt and sees an 'H'-shaped rash. The dermatologist had never seen any letter-shaped rashes like this before so her asks her about it.

The woman sheepi...

The LAST Last Supper

On the eve of his crucifixion, Christ gathered his disciples for a final meal.

As he broke bread, Christ turned to the table and said, "On this night, one of you shall betray me."

There is a panicked murmur among the disciples.

Finally Peter steps forward. "Is it I, Lord? Am I ...

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A Russian woman, a French woman and an American woman decides to have a contest on who has the biggest and deepest vagina among them...

The Russian woman went on first and inserted 2 fingers then pulled out her iPad.

The French woman next inserted her fist and pulled out her laptop.

Both women then turned their attention to the American woman who's sheepishly holding a quarter.

The American woman went on inserti...

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Proof that men are logical:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myse...

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A Sydney pub owner notices a woman walk into his pub...

It's a working class bar that's a bit run down, and the woman is not only gorgeous, she's far too well dressed to be in a place like his.
She walks up to the bar and he asks her: what'll it be? She replies: 10 schooners of Reschs, please.
He thinks it a bit of an odd request, 10 serves of 37...

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Johnny was driving along the highway.

Johnny was driving along the highway. Midway through his journey, nature called out to him. Cursing his fate, he looked around for a place to relieve himself. Just then, he spotted a small road side motel. He quickly entered to finish his business. To Johnny's dismay, all the the restrooms in the es...

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I a guy gets out of prison and heads to the local brothel, but only has two dollars to his name. Knowing it’s not much he goes in anyway.....

To his surprise the madam says, “We have something for every price.” She takes his two dollars and instructs him to go up the stairs to the second door on the right. He goes up, opens the door and finds a brightly lit room. As his eyes adjust he sees a chicken strutting around. He says to himself, “...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a pirate.

A man strolls into his local bar and is shocked to see a pirate sitting at the end of the bar. The guy was decked out, eye patch, peg leg, and a hook hand. A real, proper pirate.

So the man says "why not?" And pulls up a seat next to the pirate. He buys a round for himself and the pirate and ...

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A man is walking down the beach,

When he sees a woman with no arms and legs; as he gets closer he can hear her gently sobbing.

"What's wrong ma'am?" He inquired earnestly.

"Well you see, I was born like this, and because of it I've never gotten close to a man, I've never even hugged one."

The man contemplates t...

A hurricane comes unexpectedly.

The ship goes down and is lost. A man finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to five-star hotels, this guy has no idea what to do, so for the next four months he eats bananas, drinks coconut juice and longs for his...

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The M1 walks into a bar

[Americans, the M1 is a big road]

The M1 walked into a bar. He goes to the barman and says "Give me a pint". He gets his drink and starts angrily drinking.

In walks the A9. The A9 tries to order a pint. The M1 begins shouting "OI, fuck off. Who do you think you are? I'm the M1, the bi...

The little rascals. Hope this hasn't been told yet.e

This is one of the first "long" jokes I learned as a kid.




So Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat are in the 1st grade together. The teacher tells the class " Today students we will pick a word and use it in a sentence. You may pick any word but don't pick a word that someone has alread...

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A bartender notices one of his regulars at the bar looked depressed, so he strikes up a conversation

“What’s got you down?” the bartender asks.

“Well,” the man says sheepishly, “I got fired for having sex with my boss’s daughter.”

“You old dog,” the bartender chuckles. “I understand why he’d be upset, but i would think what you do on your personal time is none of his business. Did you...

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This guy is going on a business trip, and his girlfriend wants him to tattoo her name on his dick...

So he lands in Jamaica. Before leaving the airport, he has to take a leak. He's at the urinal, and this tall, dreadlocked Jamaican goes to the urinal next him.

This guy can't help it, he peaks. And to his surprise, this Jamaican's dick is tattooed with what appears to be the same name.
She...

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Something elsewhere on reddit reminded me of this old joke. - - - Four nuns are tragically killed in a car accident.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates they find Saint Peter awaiting them.

He greets them politely saying, “My dear sisters in Christ, before I can allow anyone to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I must ask each a question.”

Continuing, as he smiles down at them, “I must emphasize, being tru...

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A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.

One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheep...

An elderly couple are sitting in a busy church...

The wife shifts in her seat and looks around sheepishly. She leans in to her husband and whispers "I just did a silent fart, I hope nobody notices"
The husband leans closer, puts his lips to her ear and in a louder whisper replies "You need new batteries in your hearing aid!"

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A farmer travels to the nearest town to see the doctor.

The doctor diagnoses the farmer and hands him a jar of pills, explaining, “these are suppositories, take one a day for a month.”

The farmer thanks the doctor, adding, “Doc, I’m not an educated man. What is a sup-pos-it-ory?”

The doctor humbly answers, “they’re just like any pill, excep...

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On a cold night, during the Korean War, A young lieutenant arrives at a lonely Army camp.....

He was sent to replace the company commander who fell ill. The men greatly liked the old commander and weren't thrilled about getting a new one.. needless to say, the young lieutenant had a hard time fitting in but that didn't stop him from trying.
One night, while doing paper work, he saw severa...

A Manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar

A manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar, full of bright ideas and cheerfulness. He calls a meeting of all of his employees and announces that his office door will be open, and he will be easily accessible for the rest of the week, and if there is ANYTHING an employee needs, now is the time t...

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On the night the titanic hit the iceberg...

there is a magic show. And the magician calls up a volunteer from the audience and asks him for his watch. He takes the watch, puts it in a bag and smashes it to pieces,

At that moment a Parrot in the audience calls out "It's in 'is pocket, it's in 'is pocket".

The magician looks at ...

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Wheelie bin

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."


A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness a...

Once upon a time there were two youths in love

Once upon a time there were two youths in love. They met in grade school and instantly knew that they would be married and be with each other forever. Their families became close friends and as they grew older it became more and more obvious to everyone that they were destined to be together.
...

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My Favorite Wild West Joke

A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and ...

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A man's wife falls into a coma

While she's in the hospital, the nurses notice that when they wash the wife's genitals, that her brain activity spikes. They tell the doctor who eventually calls the husband in to talk to him about this phenomenon.

"Sir, we believe we may be able to pull your wife out of this coma, but the tr...

A young sailor's first day on the ship

He has a meeting with the Captain, who takes him on a tour of the ship. He introduces him to the crew, goes over his duties and responsibilities. At the end of the tour the young man turns to the captain and says. "This is all great Captain, but I have a bit of a personal question...". "What's that...

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After completing a celebrity pro-am golf tournament, Jackie Chan walks into the clubhouse bar...

As he makes his way through the crowd of professional golfers and lesser celebrities, he mentions to his playing partner, Phil Mickelson, that he makes a point of playing as many pro-ams as he can throughout the year because “it gives him a chance to network with other celebrities.”

At that v...

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Place urine sample here for diagnosis. [Long Joke]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a sore elbow. The receptionist tells him there is a one hour wait, so he sits down in the waiting area and starts looking around sheepishly and wondering whether his minor problem is worth such a wait for a diagnosis.

In the corner of the room he notic...

GRANDPA'S CONDOMS

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Gr...

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Three Couples were Trying to get into a Church...

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a newly-wed couple were trying to get into a church.

The pastor said, "we only have one rule to get into this church...to test your devotion to God, you have to abstain from sex for one week."

So the week passed, and the couples all came ba...

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