UPJOKE
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An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

An innocent joke I remember from a radio show or CD from about 20 years ago.

A little boy answered the phone one day. The caller, surprised to hear the young voice says, "Hi, is your mommy or daddy home?".

"Mommy is busy."

"Okay, is your daddy home?" The caller asks.

"No, daddy is busy."

"Okay," says the caller. "Is anyone else there?"

"The...

Innocent

Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believ...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

If you are what you eat,

Then I'm an innocent man

What word is innocent and dirty at the same time?

A showerhead

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

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A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

An Irishman was So drunk he couldn't stand up!

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...

During the trial, he was accused of being a cannibal, but he knew he was an innocent man.

After all, you are what you eat.

Batman says “If you kill a killer the number of killers stays the same”

Who the hell said I was innocent?

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Underdeveloped

Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

Jim stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem...

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

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Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

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An innocent young woman is sitting with her mother before going to spend the night with her boyfriend.

She is nervous about what's going to happen because the man is her first boyfriend and the first time she'll ever spend a night away from home.

Her overly protective mother looks meaningfully into her daughter's eyes and said, "Honey, when you go to bed tonight, your boyfriend is going to wan...

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A man walks into the doctors office

"What seems to be the problem?" Asks the elderly receptionist.
"Somethings wrong with my dick!"
"Sir!" The receptionist exclaimed "you can't say that in front of everyone! You just embarrassed me and you embarrassed everyone in the waiting room."
"Well you asked" said the man.
"Yah but y...

How do you know a painting's innocent?

Cause it was framed.

An Australian ventriloquist goes on holiday to New Zealand.

He's got a mate who has a property there, and he asks innocently, 'G'day mate, can I talk to your horse?' The Kiwi splits his sides. 'Horses don't talk you stupid Aussie!' Still the Aussie says, 'Hey horse, is this Kiwi your owner?' The horse nods, to the Kiwi's surprise. 'How does he treat you?' as...

An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."

His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the po...

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap'
That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the groun...

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Pregnant woman got shot 3 times

A pregnant woman with triples got shot in the stomach 3 times as an innocent bystander.
She went to the hospital and they examined and said luckily No surgery is needed and bullets will come out naturally.

She goes on to have 3 healthy boys. After many years go by one day one of her sons...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

a man was in court, as he was accused of cannibalism…

The Jury was bought by the accusers claims and was ready for the session to be over, however due to formalities the judge was obligated to allow the dfendant one last shot.
His lawyer, realizing the terrible situation, stared at the judge with an intent look and said, “If you are what you eat, my...

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License and registration

A couple gets pulled over on their way home. The police officer asks for license and registration. The husband apologizes "I'm sorry officer, I can't seem to find my wallet..."

His wife immediately speaks up "Who are you kidding, your license expired 2 weeks ago. I told you you have to renew ...

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A prince went to a foreign kingdom to marry one of the king's daughters.

He pulled his pants down and asked: What is this called?


The oldest daughter said: That's a dick.


The prince said he didn't want to marry her. Then he went to the middle daughter and asked the same question.


The middle daughter blushed but said: Well, that's a dick.<...

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

I was walking around when i saw two people beating up an innocent kid so I ran in to help out.

That kid didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us.

Did you hear about the Cop who arrested an innocent Iceberg because he thought it looked like the one that sunk the Titanic?

He was fired for Glacial Profiling.

As I saw Tom Cruise firing bullets at an innocent crowd, I immediately made a wish.

It was after all a Shooting Star!

Suspect: I’m innocent! He died of natural causes.

Police: There was clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof.

Suspect: Well, gravity is natural.

What did the innocent prisoner say to the partially deaf warden?

I beg your pardon(?)

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mothers, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom"

Some innocent joke my father told me when I was a child. Not sure if this will make sense in english.

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mother, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom".

It's the first student's time, and ...

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

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Daddy Longlegs

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" ...

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl

gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest ! What should I do ?"
The mot...

my car is innocent!

it wouldn’t Kia Soul

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

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An innocent man is given a life sentence. (NSFWish)

The guards take him to his cell, where he finds out that his bunkmate is about twice his size, with a mean mug and a menacing demeanor. As the innocent man is settling in, the inmate says, "Alright, since I'm feeling generous today, I'm gonna give you the option. You wanna be the wife or the husband...

Why did Mona Lisa plead innocent in court?

She was framed

What does a genius says when admits his crime of killing 200 innocent people?

IQ 200

An innocent man was killed by a vampire hunter.

It was a terrible mistake.

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

Remember when OJ Simpson was found innocent and all of us white people hit the street looting and damaging property?!

Oh, that's right, we didn't...

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I ended a Million innocent lives

Ah fuck masturbating daily is hard

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An old one, but never forgot it.

A lady gave birth to her first child. Hateful of the baby boy, when asked what to name him she replied "Name him Shit and get on with it, I need to go home and make dinner."

Shit would never stop crying, so by the time the second baby arrived the lady decided to name him Shut Up, hoping he'l...

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals

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I don't want my son buying Grand Theft Auto. Having sex with prostitutes, stealing from innocent people, driving recklessly...

I can teach him about these for free.

That billionaire from New England is innocent.

He thought he was buying a hookah.

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A man marries a totally innocent woman, a real pure virgin.

On their wedding night he starts fucking her slowly. She is bewildered but happily surprised and asks her new husband: what's this? The husband says: this is called 'fucking'. The wife says: wow, fucking is nice. The husband replies: of course, fucking is very nice. It's awesome. A few months later ...

What the difference between Vladimir Putin and Vlad the impaler (AKA Dracula)?

One sucks the blood of innocents and possesses eternal youth, the other is Dracula.

Poaching defenseless, innocent wild animals is just plain wrong

They're much better roasted.

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

Yes judge, I do have something to say.

If you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.

Satan: So, what brings you to hell?

Me: I'm innocent!

Satan: Just tell me, what did you do?

Me: I saw my friend fighting a pregnant woman, so I jumped in to make it 2v2.

When John Lennon was a boy,

his best friend was a chubby lad named Winston - but because of Winston’s penchant for stuffing his face with Stilton, Red Leicester, Cheddar or Brie, naturally he was nicknamed “Cheese”.
One hot summer day, a gang of friends decided to head off to the local quarry to cool off in the water. The...

Who was the most innocent president?

Lincoln, he was in a cent.

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

How about this for a joke?

There once was an innocent, but clumsy little girl.

One day, she was drinking a glass of water,

but she accidentally dropped the glass of water,

the glass breaks and the water spills all over,

so the little girl called out for help, and a man came to help her,

the ...

I finally watched that movie about the Psycho clown that destroyed the lives of innocent children.

Halfway into it I realised it was just a string of old McDonald's Ads.

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A man was dragged into a white van in the middle of the street

He finds himself in an interogation room where he is being accused with treason, and he must tell on his accomplices. The man is definitely innocent. After a few hours the investigators bring this big Russian guy , Igor, and tell him to go down to the basement and fuck the guy in the ass until he co...

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

My Great Grandpa nearly died in the holocaust! He was innocently doing his job when he was attacked by an angry mob!

Turns out the gas chamber malfunctioned.

A group of crows killed an innocent person

It really was a murder scene

Innocent little girl !!

"Would you make a frog noise for me?" The grandad, confused asks, "why?" The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polack...

An Irishman, an Italian and a Polack are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words. He says, 'I'm innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I"m telling the truth'.
The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what t...

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A businessman is called up for an IRS audit….

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.

“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the IRS that you are not hiding anything.”

Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told...

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A Brit, an Irishman, and an American are walking in the woods together and get lost.

They stumble upon a bridge over a deep ravine guarded by a menacing ogre.

"Halt! Stand where you are!" yells the ogre. "Only those who can answer my riddle can pass this bridge! If you get the answer wrong, you die!"

The three men are short on supplies and don't have a lot of options, ...

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Little Johnny wants to move up to fifth grade

A teacher was having a problem with Johnny in third grade. He said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 5, if not Grade 6. My sister is in Grade 4, I'm doing all her homework and I know stuff that she hasn't even learned."

The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. Little Johnny...

Michael Jackson was just so innocent and childlike...

After a show he'd go home and just blow bubbles...

True Story: My wife took my 15 year old daughter to get her 1st...

Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they tha...

What does YouTube and the US Police have in common?

They take people down before they're proven innocent.

I read a story about a Florida man named Arti that was paid a buck to strangle 2 innocent people in a Safeway parking lot...

Oddly enough, the headline was "Artichokes 2 for $1 at Safeway"

A very innocent question

Son: Dad, I got punished in school today
Dad: Why?
Son: My teacher pointed the scale at me and said "At the end of the scale there is an idiot"....
I just asked "Which End?"
:o

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

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Night to remember

A man is super horny and goes to a brothel but it's new years eve and everyone is booked out. He eventually finds the manager and begs.The manager is firm it's new years there no one free desperate the man says he'll pay double. The manager thinks for a moment and says well there is someone but i wo...

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A husband and wife were arrested...

A husband and wife were arrested...

Attorney: Your honor, these two were arrested for having sex in public and there was a dolphin involved.

The Judge: What do you two have to say for yourself?

Husband: Your honor, we are sorry. It was an accident.

Wife: Yes, i...

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