A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

The farmer and his wife needed a new bull...

There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy.

One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into ...

A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 300.

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.

In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.

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There was a farmer who wanted his sheep to get pregnant

However, he hadn't got a male sheep, so he asked a friend what could he do. His friend told him to take the sheep to the mountain, fuck them himself and wait to the next day. If the next day they were placed in the sun, they were pregnant, of they were placed in the shade, they weren't pregnant.
...

A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

If Farmer A sells apples, and Farmer B sells bananas, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine.

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

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What’s the difference between an incontinent nymphomaniac and an epileptic corn farmer?

One shits and fucks and the other shucks in fits.

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There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

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A farmer has three daughters...

A farmer has three daughters and they all have dates on the same Saturday night. The daughters are upstairs getting ready and there’s a knock on the door.

The farmer answers the door to a nice looking young man who say:

“Hi, my names Joe I’m here to pick up Flo, we’re going to see a s...

A farmer is sitting in bed with his wife

He reaches over and playfully squeezes her breast and says “you know, if we could get these to work, we could get rid of the milking cow”
She reaches down between his legs and says “yes, and if you could get this to work, we could get rid of the farm hand”.

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

“Where the fuck is my tractor?”

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

A farmer's wife is making breakfast for her husband...

As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens".

As the wife sit...

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

As a farmer, I love telling my dog sheep jokes,

But he'd herd them all.

A journalist went to interview a farmer:

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple litres a day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple litres a day.

Interviewer (a bit flummoxed): I see. ...

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Three guys want to date a farmers daughter

There’s a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy. When they confront the farmer and he says

“Okay I’ll tell you what. You three go out and pick 100 things from my farm. If you can shove all 100 up your ass you can date my daughter. If you can’t I’ll shoot ya.”

They all accept and th...

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bales her hay and the other hails her bae

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

I have a farmer friend who is really good at his job

He is outstanding in his field.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

A farmer was in an accident with a trucking company and finally decided his injuries were serious enough to take the company to court.

In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning the farmer and asked, “Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”

The farmer responded, “Well let me tell you what happened. I had just loaded my mule into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupte...

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Why was the horny farmer depressed?

He had lost all of his hoes.

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A farmer has three daughters...

Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand.

The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?”

The farmer took a good look at the...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.

'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'

The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes...

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Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer had some wolves take out a couple of his best young chickens, a pullet (young female chicken) and a cock (male chicken). He heard that his neighbor down the road had a few fine chickens for sale so he decided to walk over to see if he could strike a deal.

The farmer arrives at his n...

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

What did the weed farmer say when he saw a herd of cattle eating his crops?

The steaks are high.

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One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

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A farmer was looking for a new rooster as his old one after many years of faithful service had finally passed on.

When he told his neighbouring farmer about the problem he said "I have just the rooster for you , but I have to warn you Ron is one horny goat of a rooster". How horny can a rooster be the farmer said to himself. "OK sure I'll buy him off you". When the farmer got back to the farm with Ron the roost...

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A man was stopped at a farmer's market

When he comes across a stand advertising peaches of every flavor, he asks the owner "do you really have peaches in every flavor?" to which he responds "I sure do, what flavor are you looking for?" Doubting the owner the man asks for peanut butter and jelly, the owner selects a peach and hands it ove...

There once was a farmer who loves tractors. He would go into this shop and stare at this beautiful bright red tractor for hours on end.

The manager would come up to him and say “sorry we’re closing” and the farmer would ask for just 10 more minutes to stare at the tractor. The manager would allow it and keep the shop open a little longer to accommodate his obsession.

The next day, the farmer walks in and stares in awe at the ...

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What did the farmer say when I dug a perfect 6×8×10 foot pit to bury his dead donkey?

"Wow. What an asshole."

A farmer has spent a year fencing his house to perfection and named it r/jokes. He woke up the next day only to find his fences scattered around.

Why are there so many reposts?

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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.



One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to w...

There was once this farmer who was obsessed with tractors.

And this farmer was really into them. He constantly upgraded his own, borrowed and lent multiple ones and bought and sold a lot.
But one day, he fell off his tractor while it was running, and it crushed his leg to bits.
After this, he was furious. He sold his tractor and told himself to never ...

What do you call the murder of a farmer

Countrycide

A poor farmer who lived in a small mining town came to its mayor and asked him if his son could marry his daughter.

The mayor angry at this insolent request, asked: "Why would I ever let your miserable kid marry my princess daughter?" which the farmer promptly replied: "Because he is the new general manager of the mines". The mayor, surprised and impressed with this information, ended up accepting his daughter's ...

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Farmer Jim goes to the country fair

And there he sees a milking machine, he likes it so much that he buys it.

Tomorrow morning he sets up the machine but decides to test it out himself, so he puts his dick in it.

He comes once, twice, three times.

When he had enough he took the manual to see how the machine tur...

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there once was a poor farmer family, they had only one cow.

there once was a poor farmer family, they had only one cow that provided milk, and a well behind the house.
one morning the family wakes up to find the cow dead, the whole family gets sad.
that night the farmer goes to the well and starts crying and mourning, now who would provide milk for...

An Egyptian farmer refuses to believe his fields had flooded...

He was in De Nile.

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- ...

What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?

They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.

Clowns are like farmers

They make you sad when they murder your mother

The Farmer was careful to monitor the ratio of roosters to chickens

He was trying to control ova population.

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?...

How do you tell a good farmer from a bad one?

He's out standing in his field

What do pimps and farmers have in common?

They both need a hoe to stay in business.

What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer?

Mick Jagger says “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

A Scottish Farmer says “Hey McCleod, get off of my ewe.”

A farmer gave me some good advice

He told me the difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

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In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food,...

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Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”


The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look what it did to me!”


The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this old man. It’s time for the o...

Two farmers are having a conversation over a fence...

One farmer looks over the other's shoulder and spots two cows grazing on the field behind him.
He asks the farmer "-By the way, how much milk do you actually get out of a cow?"
"The white one or the black one?" The other farmer asks.
"Oh, the white one then." Says the first farmer. "A...

The Texan Rancher and the Kentucky Farmer

A Texas Rancher was driving his truck through Kentucky one day when he sees a farmer out tending his field. He pulls over on a whim to talk to the farmer.

"Greetings friend! This looks like a pretty nice farm. How much land do you have?"

The Farmer gestures, "Well you see that river...

What does Farmer Travis Scott do when his crops are ready?

He goes Sickle Mode

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

All the old farmer wanted to do was make his wife happy.

An old farmer came from riches, but he truly loved his wife. Unfortunately, she only wanted him for his money and would do anything to have it all for herself.

She complained about how much effort it took to plant, water, and grow the vegetables. So the old farmer built the strongest dam, and...

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How did the Japanese sheep greet the farmer?

Konichi-baaaaa

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

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Did you hear the one about the poultry farmer who couldn't get it up?

He had a bonerless dickin' wang.

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Practice!!!

A farmer sees an advertisement for a virile rooster and immediately buys it. Upon returning home it puts him into the hen pen and goes for his noon siesta.
Upon returning he finds that the roster has fucked every single one of the 50 hens. The farmer is shocked but satisfied that he'll have a ric...

My All-time Favorite Joke

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.

As...

The farmer and his three daughters

A farmer has three daughters and on the same night they’re all going out with different guys the doorbell rings and the farmer answers the door with a shotgun for intimidation

The first guy says “hey i’m joe i’m here for flo we’re going to the show is she ready to go?”

The farmer liked...

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

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When i get married,my wife will be almost like an farmer

Eggs for the morning,chicken for the dinner and cock all night

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A farmer bought some breeding pigs

but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pi...

A long, long time ago, I used to be a farmer.

I used to grow wheat and the quality of my product was second to none. I was famous all over the world for my unmatched wheat harvest.

Everything was going fine, until this one day.

In the middle of a pitch black night, my most bitter rival stole all of my wheat. None of it left on the...

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A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old rooster

The new cocky rooster arrives and proclaims "stand aside old man, you're done! I'm in charge here".

The old rooster replies, "I may be done, but the rule here is; whoever wins a race around this farm is the one who will be in charge"!

The young rooster agrees knowing he will win eas...

journalist to farmer : how many cows do you have in your farm ?

farmer : two cows one white and one black

journalist : what do they eat ?

farmer : the white or the black ?

journalist : white

farmer : grass

journalist : and black ?!!

farmer : also grass

journalist : where are you keeping them ?

farmer : t...

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So there was this farmer, his son...

So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter was a duck. One day the farmer is sitting down paying off last month’s bills when he realized that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get. So ...

A man in New Mexico asked a farmer if he had any local chili peppers for sale.

Unfortunately, the farmer said he had 99 poblanos but a Hatch ain't one.

Did you hear about the farmer who was diagnosed with Narcolepsy?

Turns out he was just trying to keep a tally of his sheep.

A farmer had ordered a mail order bride

She arrived by train in the nearest town, so he strapped his horse to his carriage and went to pick her up.

On the way back, the horse stumbles on one leg, and the farmer loudly says "That's one!"

After a little while more, the horse once again stumbles, and the farmer loudly says "Tha...

An old farmer goes to the doctor for chronic coughing

The doctor took a perfunctory look at the farmer and tsked. "Just one cigarette a day from now on!" he told the farmer.

Six months later the farmer comes back looking absolutely terrible. "I told you one cigarette a day," the doctor said. "Have you been taking my advice?"

The farmer re...

Do you know about the new farmer in town?

He's out-standing in his field

A farmer walks into a farm supply store...

...and says to an employee, "You know, when I bought my farm it had a coop for chickens but I've never had any. I think I'd like to start raising some so what do I need?"

The employee walks him over to the area with the chicken supplies and gets him started with bedding for the coop, heat la...

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible...

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What did the celiac say to the farmer?

Miss me with that hay shit

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There was a farmer who had two sons.

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They didn't do well e...

How does a farmer access the internet?

With Old Macdonald's free wifi.

Why did the farmer fall down the well?

He did not see that well.

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

What does the farmer’s wife tell him when he tells her that he’s to afraid to grow vegetables?

Just grow a pear!

A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"

"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And ...

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A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Becau...

An american farmer visits Germany

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer.

​

"Are you a farmer?" he asks the man.

​

"Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies.

&#x200B...

What did farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly.

What a surprising turnip event.

*This is my first attempt at writing a joke, and my wife thinks it's awful.

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An african zoologist moves to Rural Alabama. One day, a farmer knocks on the door, behind him is his wife, holding a black baby...

Immediatly, the farmer grabs the zoologist by his collar and yells "Now you see here! See that kid over there! I've got Nine kids and they aaall white. And alla' sudden, this one comes out black! And you the only black man in a 300 mile radius, mind explaining that one to me?"

The zoologist r...

Why did the farmer study Microsoft office outside his house?

So he could excel in his field.

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A farmer is at the bar complaining about a pushy fertilizer salesman.

There's only so much bullshit a guy can take.

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

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What do prostitutes and chicken farmers have in common?

They both raise cocks for profit

A farmer buys 100 baby chickens.

A week later, he comes back to buy 100 more.

A week after that, he comes back to buy yet another 100 baby chickens.

Finally, when he came back for yet another 100 chickens, someone finally stopped him and said “Excuse me sir, I noticed you’ve been here every week buying chickens. How’...

A traveling salesman was driving on a lonely country road on his way home one night when a huge storm came up. He saw farmhouse up the road and headed for it. He knocked on the door and the farmer answered. The salesman asked if he could take shelter from the storm at his house.

The farmer welcomed him in and put him up for the night. In the morning, the kind farmer served him bacon and eggs and the salesman was extremely thankful for his hospitality On his way out, the farmer walked him to his car and the salesman saw a pig with 3 legs go past. The salesman asked why does...

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A farmer is talking with a man

Farmer: What do you call a mammal that has been fucked by Jesus?

Man: Holy cow what is wrong with you

A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night

.
The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.

The sec...

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottish sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!"
The Scottish farmer says, "Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

Apologies to the Scottish. I love Scotland. My favorite place to go on holiday.

Two farmers were looking at their new born cows

And one turns to the other and said “we need to raise the steaks”

An airplane carrying politicians crashed in a farmers field...

When the police showed up they asked the farmer of there were any survivors

He said " I buried all of them, a cpuple said we're still alive, but them politicians like to lie."

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

2 farmers are fighting over their donkeys.

They can't tell the donkeys apart so the first farmer says "I'll cut my the tail of my donkey off so that we can tell."

A few days later the donkeys get into a fight and the other donkey gets it's tail bitten off.

The other farmer says "I'll cut my donkey's ear off so I know it's mine...

Two farmers are walking through a field...

Two farmers are walking through a field and come across a huge sinkhole in the ground.

“Wow!” says the first farmer, “I wonder how far down this thing goes.”

He takes a penny from his pocket and throws it into the sinkhole. The two farmers listen, but they never hear it hit the bottom...

What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Farmer’s Cock

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all of the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.. Next day, it’s fucking the ducks, the hens, and all the geese too! Sadly, later in the day, the farmer finds the cock lying on the gr...

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A farmer buys a young cock

A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one.

When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I di...

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What happens when a horny teen farmer wakes up?

The cows have to wait their turn...

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A farmer is selling produce when a woman walks up to him and asks for some onions.

"Sorry, but we don't have onions here. How about some broccoli or peas?" he suggests.

The woman thinks about it for a moment, then says, "nah, do you have some onions instead?"

The farmer, slightly pissed off, says,"I already told you. We don't carry onions. What about some eggplants ...

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Farmer: Wheres my tractor?

Heard on Americas Funniest Home Videos 20+ years ago as a teenager. My stoned ass couldnt stop laughing at the stupidness of this joke as told by a 6 year old.

What does a warlock farmer rap about?

Witches and hoes.

A farmer who's three beautiful daughters all have their first date on the same night

The farmer is very protective of his daughters, so he decides to greet all their suitors at the door with his shotgun to check them out first. The first guy arrives and knocks on the door. The farmer answers it and says "Who are you, boy?"

The guy says "Hey, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bet...

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Farmer Bill goes into a bar and is greeted by the bartender.

Joe: "Hey bill, what’s up? You look awful"

Bill: "Oh it's really bad. I don't wanna talk about it."

Joe: "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."

Bill: "No, there are things you just CAN'T explain."


Bill talks a little more to Joe and after two beer he finally ...

A chicken farmer is having a problem with the number of eggs the chickens are laying. They hires 3 scientists to help them figure it out, a Biologist, A Chemist, and a Physicist.

The Biologist runs some tests and tells the farmer that the hormone levels are off and a better living condition might help.
The Chemist does some tests and tells the farmer that the feed doesn't contain enough calcium for the birds to produce eggs and suggests changing to a calcium rich diet wou...

A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes......

So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside.
On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road. As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there.
She said ...

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A farmer hires a college student

one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers becau...

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight.

He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.

The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to see the show. Is she ready to go?"

The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
...

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

A farmer buys a new machine..

It's designed for extracting milk from the udders of cows. He tries it out on a few cows and figures 'Wow this is great, I don't have to get my hands dirty at all!'
After seeing the machine in action, a thought flashes through his head involving his most basic human desires and before you know it...

Where do Russian farmers get their milk from?

Moscow

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After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

A farmer has three daughters...

...who are all getting ready for dates that evening.

The doorbell rings and the first date is there.

"Hi there, sir. I'm Larry, I'm here for Mary. Gonna take her for ice cream topped with a cherry"

The farmer let's them go. The second date comes.

"Good evening, sir. My na...

What did the farmer say when he became a DJ?

Lettuce turnip the beet.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the Farmer talks to them

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder