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Farmer Jokes

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The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

A Farmer and the Interviewer

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 liters per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 liters per day.



Interviewer: Where do they sleep?
...

There was a farmer who had three daughters

All of his 3 daughters were going on their first dates that same evening. Being protective of them, he decided to meet their suitors at the front door with his gun.

So the first suitor arrived and told the farmer: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" T...

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A college student walks up to a farmer asks:

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Wel...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

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A farmer buys a young cock

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks the farmer's all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. It screws all 150 hens to finish the day.

The day after, the farmer sadl...

A Missouri Farmer

A Missouri farmer in his pickup drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

*"Is your Dad home?"* the farmer asked.

*"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."*

Persistent, the farmer asks the boy *"Well, is your Mother here?"*

*...

A local farmer just successfully grew a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately, now he has a problem with squatters.

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The farmer

A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.

“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”

His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.

“You idiot that’s a chicken”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

A farmer moved into town

After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church."
"But I...

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A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one evening...

The man tells his wife, "I read an article that says humans are the only species where the females can have an orgasm."

"Prove it" She replied flirtatious.

"Well... alright, here goes..."

He walked out and returned a few hours later.

"The sheep didn't, the horse didn't, ...

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

A chicken farmer was found dead near his coop.

Police suspect fowl play.

How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

The Farmer and his Daughters

Now once there was a farmer, and daughters he had five,
And each of them was waiting for their first date to arrive.
Their boyfriends all would tell him how they would have their fun.
If the farmer didn't like it, he'd shoot them with his gun.

So the first guy knocked on the do...

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife

She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day while in the field, Frank's wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, Frank's old donkey kick...

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A professor sits with a farmer on a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer: "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The fa...

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The farmer sells his horse for $2000 to a buyer at the market.

The farmer initially promises to deliver the horse to the man in a week, but halfway through that week, the horse dies.

The farmer offers to return the money, but the man decides to proceed with the purchase. In the following week, the farmer encounters the man and inquires about the fate of...

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A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,

This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.

Thanks, you...

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

A farmer counted 198 cows in his field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

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A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the ther...

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The...

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

Xi and the Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.

The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."

Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer."

Xi: Let me ask y...

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying.

A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.

The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
...

My pastor told this during a sermon once and it still kills me

Two fellas are walking in the woods one day when they come upon a gigantic hole, so big and deep that they can't see the bottom of it. Naturally, their curiosity gets the best of them and they start looking for things to throw in the hole. They find sticks and rocks and throw them in but never hear ...

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

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An Englishman goes up to a Welsh farmer

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

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Horse and chicken are hanging in farmer Brown's yard.

Horse laid down in great big mud puddle to cool off. He took a nap and when he woke, he was sunk to his haunches and couldn't get up.

"He-e-e-lp me chicken! I'm stuck! Go get farmer brown to pull me out with the tractor."

《Buak》" can't do it. Farmer brown's out plowing the back 40. I...

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Farmer Dave

Farmer Dave went to see his neighbor Dan one day and when he pulled up he was was suprised to not see Dan out in the field working.

So he looked around a bit and found Dan in the barn with some Rr&B playing and a candlelit dinner set out by the John Deere.

Dave asked what was going...

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

An american farmer visits Germany

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer.



"Are you a farmer?" he asks the man.



"Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies.



"How big is your farm?" the...

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A farmer has an impotent bull.

After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a fellow farmer, who tells him to show the bull some hardcore porn. Despite the silly advice, he has nothing to lose. He sets up a projector in the barn and showers the bull with porn 24/7 for several days, and exposes him to ...

A cowboy approaches this farmer and asks for a job...

... The farmer tells the cowboy that he has no vacancies - yet if the cowboy could do something special, he might consider.
The cowboy says: „Well, sir, I understand animals.“
„Ha,“ the farmer says, „how many times have I heard that before…“
In this moment, a cow moos from behind a s...

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A farmer’s wife left him after she found him having sex with one of the ponies after she went to sleep.

It was her worst fucking night mare.

A farmer sold an old horse, but warned the buyer she didn't look too good.

The buyer insisted she looked well enough and bought her. A few days later, the buyer came back, complaining the horse kept bumping into things.

"The old mare's completely blind!" he shouted.

"Well, I told you she didn't look too good," the farmer replied.

A farmer was milking his cow

At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.

Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.

"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."

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The farmer and the ringmaster

Once upon a time, in a rural area, there was a poor, uneducated farmer.

One time, a circus came to the town. The farmer decided to visit it. After all, having spent all his life in his hometown, he had never seen such a thing. He was so excited and impressed.

During the ope...

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A farmer who raised chickens had just bought a young rooster and put it in his coop...

Soon the young rooster struts up to the old one and says, "Okay you old fart, time for you to retire. I'm in charge of the hens, now."

"Are you sure?" the old rooster asks, "It's pretty challenging watching over all these hens and keeping them in line, especially for a youngster who doesn't h...

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?

Cool ranch.

(Written by my 9 yo daughter).

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The younger son of a Danish farmer,

Couldn't inherit his parents farm, because his older brother got the farm.

So he moved to Texas to start his own farm there.

After working on the farm and expanding it for fifty years, he finally finds the time to visit his family back in Denmark.

And he can't stop bragging a...

How did the farmer stalk the woman?

He tractor.

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What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae

The hot farmer

A hot, sweaty farmer walks into a bar and orders a cold beer. "Dang, our baler broke down in the field today, and its humid and 100+ degrees out," the farmer complains. "I'm so hot and sweaty from repairing that thing that I just want to rip off all my dirty, sweaty clothes and run around the bar in...

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What do a vibrator and a farmer's alarm clock have in common?

They're both electronic replacements for cocks.

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

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Mad Aussie Farmer

Old Ted, Whose wife had died many years ago, happened to convince a beautiful young lady more than half his age to marry him. He promised to care for her and make sure she was left with his farm when he passed away.

After a year of marriage, however, Old Ted was unable to bring his beautiful ...

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

“This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of
digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole”
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole fiel...

An 80-year-old farmer walks into a bar.

"Remember a few years back when my wife died?" he asks the bartender.

"Yes," the bartender says sadly.

"Well," the farmer continues, "now I am no longer a widower! Yesterday, I married a 21-year-old woman."

The bartender knows that a 21-year-old woman will not be very happy with...

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

A farmer's wife comes out into the field as he's plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see ...

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

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A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.


He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"


She looks at him wistfully...

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The farmer ordered a new bull

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.

The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."

The seco...

Farmers writing romance novels...

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through her.



I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

Pull

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" A...

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

What did a competitive beef farmer say to his competition?

I'm raising the steaks.

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

The farmer and his daughters.

There is a farmer with three, beautiful daughters. He was always wary of them dating horrible guys so he forbid them to date their entire teenage lives.

But when they turned eighteen the daughters told their father he couldn’t stop them from dating anymore and the farmer, so, instead of fig...

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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise...

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

...

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Farmer buys new Rooster

A farmer goes to buy a new rooster from a breeder

The salesman shows him one specimen that he says is

'the single horniest Cock I've ever had the misfortune of meeting'

The farmer thinks this is great, more horny means more hens so he pays and takes the bird home with him.
...

What did the melon farmer say to disappoint their forbidden lover?

Cantaloupe.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

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A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey...

A Fairy and the farmer

A buffalo suddenly dies unknowingly in a farming family, whole family got upset.

One night the father came out of his house and started crying near the well. Suddenly a fairy comes up from the well..She asked why is he crying? he tells her the reason that his his buffalo has died.

She ...

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Farmer Bill goes into a bar and is greeted by the bartender.

Joe: "Hey bill, what’s up? You look awful"

Bill: "Oh it's really bad. I don't wanna talk about it."

Joe: "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."

Bill: "No, there are things you just CAN'T explain."


Bill talks a little more to Joe and after two beer he finally ...

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

Farmer Murphy and the Brit

Farmer Murphy is working on his fence when a British tourist startled him by honking his car’s horn.

"I say," asked the Brit "does this road go to the Castle?"

"I do believe it does. Just keep on as you were." Farmer Murphy goes back to his business. About 10 minutes later, the Brit ...

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I real...

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The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

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Why did the mule farmer get arrested?

He had his ass out in public.

How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?

Attract her.

What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer?

Gluten tag

A farmer and a hunter

A man is out hunting in the woods when he shoots a massive duck. The duck falls into a field owned by a local farmer. The farmer retrieves the duck but refuses to hand over the duck saying "Around here we have a little game to solve problems like this. Each person gets to kick the other is the crotc...

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A farmer has three daughters...

Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand.

The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?”

The farmer took a good look at the...

When did the Polish farmer get up?

At the Krakow dawn

Why did the pot farmer have such ugly fields?

He was afraid to use a weed whacker.

A Farmer and His Daughters' First Dates

An aging, old school farmer has triplet daughters who are all set to go on their first ever dates on the same evening. The boys are coming to pick them up, so he decides to answer the door with his shotgun visible to send a message.

The first boy knocks on the door. The farmer opens it with ...

The farmer & the pig

A farmer took her prized pig to the vet. At the appointment she told the vet "For some reason, this pig won't mate!"

"That's unusual," the vet said. "he seems to be in fine health. I assume you're following all the usual steps"

"Of course" said the farmer- "but for some reason he just...

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

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A Farmer's Marriage

A farmer and his wife are having some issues with their marriage. One day, the farmer takes a little baby sheep inside his house and finds his wife.

"Just so you know, this is the pig I have sex with when you're not around," the farmer says.

"What are you, stupid?" his wife asks. "That...

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