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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.

He asks ...

If I could be any animal I would be a Weiner dog...

Because then I would always belong.

I got my weiner stuck in the DVD hole of that Pixar movie with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.

One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:

"Does anybody have a weiner?"

So all the men stood up,

"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"

So all...

Did you hear about the Mexican guy with 2 weiners?

He named one Jose and the other hose-B

What does a weiner and a Rubix Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

A weiner is talking to his girlfriend...

She says, "Why is it that when we're around my friends you say you're a sausage, and around your friends you act like a hot dog?"

He replies, "Well, I'll have to be frank with you."

I told my girlfriend that my weiner is like a computer

She said "is it because its like a hard drive and is made as strong as metal"

Wait till she finds out its more like microsoft and has a lot of viruses.

My weiner dog gave me the cold shoulder for months before it finally started to show a little warmth and love.

I guess that's what the breeder meant when he said she was a daschshundere.

So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony Weiner's house.

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been screwed by a Weiner in years.

Why did the cowboy adopt the weiner dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggy!

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Himalayan Dick BABA

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a baba who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been kno...

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[NSFW] My favorite NSFW joke from my high school.

Three brothers owned a prized horse. One day when the brothers were checking in, they found the horse was dead. So they prayed the whole morning asking god to bring back the horse. Suddenly, a fairy appeared.

Fairy: I can bring back the horse but on one condition, at least one of you have to ...

Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar

Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"
Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."

The Weiner

There once was a Congressman named Weiner,

Who had a perverted demeanor.

He was forced from the Hill for acting like Bill.

Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.



Moral: tweet your meat, lose your seat.

What is Anthony Weiner's favorite type of mail?

Junk mail

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

How do you make a weiner go soft but simultaneously make it experience hard times?

Sentence it to 21 months in prison.

Why did Moses yell and wake up the kids in the middle of the night?

He got his weiner caught in his Zipporah!

(OC, AFAIK)

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A guy tattoos his girlfriend's name on his penis

Her name is Wendy, but when his penis is soft only the "W" and the "Y" can be seen. Kinda weird, going around with a random "WY" tattooed on his weiner, but he really loves Wendy, so he couldn't care less about what other people thought.
One day he goes to play soccer with some friends of his an...

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A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

The sad old man

An old man was sitting outside his porch one day with a very sad face. The mailman saw him and tried to cheer him up. The mailman said " you wanna see my package?" The old man just looked at the mailman without even smiling nor saying a single word. The mailman gave up and left. Then along came a ma...

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Orville Wright: "Dick cave."

Wilbur Wright: Definitely not.

Orville: Weiner hole

Wilbur: Dude **no**.

Orville: Cockpit

Wilbur: (sighs) Okay *fine*.

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My girlfriend tried to cut off my penis but missed

She'll be charged with a missed da Weiner

What do you get when you cross a dachshund,a black lab, and a Blue Heeler?

A black and blue weiner.

Damn Girl, you should sell hotdogs.

Cause you make my Weiner stand.

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Several years ago, Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's dong is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's dong is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subjec...

Halloween Pickup lines

I can't find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?

Your costume looks complicated. Need help taking it off?

You’re such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.

You're the most boo-tiful ghost I've seen all night!

You look so good, ...

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched ...

What did the sausage say when he won the race?

I'm a weiner.

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What's the difference between being hungry and horny?

The type of weiner you want.

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They say in 1990 a vagina almost took Bill Clinton down

Now it looks like a weiner may take Hillary

Jimmy Neutron (Split Personalities)

Jimmy Electron, Jimmy Proton and Carl Weiner

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

A man's car breaks down on the side of the road...

Because he's out in the middle of nowhere and his car seems beyond all hope, he begins to walk. After just a few miles he seems a discarded bottle that looks too fancy to just be litter. He picks it up and rubs the dirt off of it and suddenly a genie appears.
The genie promises to grant him thre...

The Horse and the Chicken

One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.

"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll...

What does Hillary Clinton's presidency and Bill Clinton's presidency have in common?

They were both ruined by weiners.

At a gag gift exchange, I gave a woman a hotdog and a condom

She said "Frankly, I never sausage a small weiner."

If this Hillary case blows up...

It will be the second time a weiner has ruined the presidency for a Clinton

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I'm struggling to quit my masturbation addiction

On one hand, there is my wife that I care about who is worried about me wasting time and being unmotivated

On the other hand, there is my weiner.

What is the difference between memory and ram?

I can't memory my weiner in your mouth.

What's the difference between a republican and a democrat?

How much damage can their Weiner make...

Hillary's team is really going all out to get the LGBTQ vote...

They've even convinced Huma to get rid of her Weiner.

I bought a new car recently.

I got it for a great deal. Oscar Mayer Weiner was going under so they sold me one of their weenie vans. I was really excited so I drove it around town to show off. I pulled up to a Starbucks because I was thirsty and as I was parking I saw the most beautiful girl in the world. She watched me park an...

Trump and Putin decide theyre going to decide WW3 with a Dog Fight

So they agree on coming back in a couple of years after training a dog for the occasion and rather than wasting millions of human lives and countless dollars they agree that the winner of the dog fight is the offical winner of WW3.

Some time passes and they meet up again. Putin shows up with...

"Now little ones, where do children go when they do bad things...?", Mrs Mary asked.

"I know! I know!", Little Johnny said with vigour, " they go behind the bushes in the playground!"

"Please little Johnny, mind what you say"

"Oh its true Mrs Mary!", voiced Susan enthusiastically, "T.J took me there and showed me his Weiner."

The teacher gasped in horror as T.J ...

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Do you know what's the difference between gays and fridges?

Fridge doesn't fart when you take out the weiner

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