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Weiner Jokes

A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.

One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:

"Does anybody have a weiner?"

So all the men stood up,

"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"

So all...

[NSFW] What is a guaranteed way to make a Weiner hard?

Put it in the microwave for about 2 minutes.

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

Why did the cowboy get a Weiner dog?

He wanted to git along little doggy...

I got my weiner stuck in the DVD hole of that Pixar movie with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

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What do women say to men with big dicks?

Had a feeling you would have to check the answer small Weiner

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A guy tattoos his girlfriend's name on his penis

Her name is Wendy, but when his penis is soft only the "W" and the "Y" can be seen. Kinda weird, going around with a random "WY" tattooed on his weiner, but he really loves Wendy, so he couldn't care less about what other people thought.
One day he goes to play soccer with some friends of his an...

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Horse and chicken are hanging in farmer Brown's yard.

Horse laid down in great big mud puddle to cool off. He took a nap and when he woke, he was sunk to his haunches and couldn't get up.

"He-e-e-lp me chicken! I'm stuck! Go get farmer brown to pull me out with the tractor."

《Buak》" can't do it. Farmer brown's out plowing the back 40. I...

What does a weiner and a Rubix Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

A weiner is talking to his girlfriend...

She says, "Why is it that when we're around my friends you say you're a sausage, and around your friends you act like a hot dog?"

He replies, "Well, I'll have to be frank with you."

Why can't you sell a weiner dog to a time traveler?

It would create a paradachshund.

If I could be any animal I would be a Weiner dog...

Because then I would always belong.

I told my girlfriend that my weiner is like a computer

She said "is it because its like a hard drive and is made as strong as metal"

Wait till she finds out its more like microsoft and has a lot of viruses.

Life is like a corn dog

Women only want the weiner if it's got bread!

The Weiner

There once was a Congressman named Weiner,

Who had a perverted demeanor.

He was forced from the Hill for acting like Bill.

Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.



Moral: tweet your meat, lose your seat.

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Why is Anthony Weiner considered a hipster?

He had has dick out for Harambe before it was cool.

Did you hear about the Mexican guy with 2 weiners?

He named one Jose and the other hose-B

What is Anthony Weiner's favorite type of mail?

Junk mail

Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar

Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"
Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."

Did you guys hear that pope Benedict died of food poisoning?

He ate a twelve year old weiner

bath time

A young boy is taking a bath. He discovers playing with his weiner is fun.
All of a sudden, his dad walks in and catches him.
Dad says "boy, u better quit playing with that thing or you'll go blind".
His son replies" Dad, im over here".

Damn Girl, you should sell hotdogs.

Cause you make my Weiner stand.

So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony Weiner's house.

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been screwed by a Weiner in years.

My weiner dog gave me the cold shoulder for months before it finally started to show a little warmth and love.

I guess that's what the breeder meant when he said she was a daschshundere.

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One for the ladies

A man is doing yardwork while his wife is wife is gardening when he notices the similarity between her butt and the charcoal grill.
So he yells, " Hey honey you better start eating more of those veggies because your ass is as big as the grill."
Later that night, he is feeling frisky and st...

Why did Moses yell and wake up the kids in the middle of the night?

He got his weiner caught in his Zipporah!

(OC, AFAIK)

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A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

What do you get when you cross a dachshund,a black lab, and a Blue Heeler?

A black and blue weiner.

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Orville Wright: "Dick cave."

Wilbur Wright: Definitely not.

Orville: Weiner hole

Wilbur: Dude **no**.

Orville: Cockpit

Wilbur: (sighs) Okay *fine*.

What did the sausage say when he won the race?

I'm a weiner.

A good friend of mine, Frank, owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business...

He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though, and is determined to make every post a weiner.

What does Hillary Clinton's presidency and Bill Clinton's presidency have in common?

They were both ruined by weiners.

What is the difference between memory and ram?

I can't memory my weiner in your mouth.

If this Hillary case blows up...

It will be the second time a weiner has ruined the presidency for a Clinton

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched ...

Jimmy Neutron (Split Personalities)

Jimmy Electron, Jimmy Proton and Carl Weiner

Halloween Pickup lines

I can't find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?

Your costume looks complicated. Need help taking it off?

You’re such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.

You're the most boo-tiful ghost I've seen all night!

You look so good, ...

What's the difference between a republican and a democrat?

How much damage can their Weiner make...

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I'm struggling to quit my masturbation addiction

On one hand, there is my wife that I care about who is worried about me wasting time and being unmotivated

On the other hand, there is my weiner.

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How do you fuck Hillary Clinton?

Putin-Weiner

Hillary's team is really going all out to get the LGBTQ vote...

They've even convinced Huma to get rid of her Weiner.

The sad old man

An old man was sitting outside his porch one day with a very sad face. The mailman saw him and tried to cheer him up. The mailman said " you wanna see my package?" The old man just looked at the mailman without even smiling nor saying a single word. The mailman gave up and left. Then along came a ma...

The Horse and the Chicken

One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.

"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll...

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Several years ago, Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's dong is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's dong is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subjec...

Why doesn't Casper have any children?

He has a hollow-weiner.

"Now little ones, where do children go when they do bad things...?", Mrs Mary asked.

"I know! I know!", Little Johnny said with vigour, " they go behind the bushes in the playground!"

"Please little Johnny, mind what you say"

"Oh its true Mrs Mary!", voiced Susan enthusiastically, "T.J took me there and showed me his Weiner."

The teacher gasped in horror as T.J ...

I bought a new car recently.

I got it for a great deal. Oscar Mayer Weiner was going under so they sold me one of their weenie vans. I was really excited so I drove it around town to show off. I pulled up to a Starbucks because I was thirsty and as I was parking I saw the most beautiful girl in the world. She watched me park an...

A man's car breaks down on the side of the road...

Because he's out in the middle of nowhere and his car seems beyond all hope, he begins to walk. After just a few miles he seems a discarded bottle that looks too fancy to just be litter. He picks it up and rubs the dirt off of it and suddenly a genie appears.
The genie promises to grant him thre...

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The Hermit

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a hermit who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been know...

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