UPJOKE
irelandglasgowbelfastscotlandnewcastlelondonedinburghdublin castlegalwayoslonewportvikingathensbrightonleeds

Dublin Jokes

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...

"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".

Two hours before landing, another announce...

An Englishman is sat on a park bench in Dublin watching 2 council workers.

One of them digs a hole, then they both lean on their shovels and look at it for a minute or two. Then the second one fills the hole in and they move on a few meters and repeat the process.

After he's watched them do this 4-5 times the Englishman goes up and asked them what they're doing.
...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Dublin

with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s fridge. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

A famous pub in Dublin...

There's a famous pub in Dublin, at the top of Camden Street, called the Bleeding Horse. One day, a Clydesdale horse trotted in and ordered a pint of Guinness and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. The barman was a little taken aback, but Dublin barmen are nothing if not professional, so he served ...

Irish man in Dublin

An Irish man, enjoying a pint of Guiness in a pub in Dublin when he approaches a couple of very fat girls with british accent:

- Hi ladies! Are you from England?
- No! Wales!
- Hi whales! Are you from England?

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American college student is in Dublin on St Patrick’s Day

So an American college student goes to Ireland for St Patrick's Day. He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The Amer...

My father told me that his password is "MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin"

Because he was told his password should contain at least 8 characters and one capital.

What's the fastest growing city in the world?

The capital of Ireland. It keeps Dublin and Dublin and Dublin.

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital’s always Dublin.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin...

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar,
an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a an America college kid goes to Dublin for spring break.

And he’s out at the pubs, just getting shitfaced.
He goes back to the bathroom to take a leak, and this little guy goes up to the stall next to him. Guys got red hair, a red beard, wearing a green suit with a vest, jacket, whole thing. College dude is staring, so he sees this little guy whip out...

Who makes the best lawn chairs in Dublin?

Patty O'Furniture

Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would...

An Air Lingus (Ireland’s National Arline) crashed into a Dublin cemetery this morning …

So far first responders have retrieved 9,000 bodies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Irishmen are drinking at a bar in Dublin.

One goes up to the other and says “Excuse me, but you look familiar. Do you live here in Dublin?”

“That I do” replies the other man “all my life”.

“So do I!” Said the first man. “Let’s drink a round to Dublin!” After finishing their Guinness, the first man says “Maybe I remember you f...

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes...

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

Young Dublin Mother

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother ...

A man who works at the Guinness brewery in Dublin, Ireland goes to his best friend's house.

The friend's wife opens the door and sees the look of grief on the man's face.

"I'm sorry, there's been a terrible accident and Liam died."

"Dear God, no!!! How?!"

"He fell in a vat of beer and drowned."

"Just tell me one thing: did he suffer?"

"I don't think so. H...

Murphy's Pub

**Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”**

**The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”**

**The first one says, “So am I!...

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

Everyone knows that the SECOND largest city in the world is Dublin...because it keeps on dublin and dublin. But what is the largest?

Tripoli.

Two Irish men are walking to Dublin

We’ll call them Sean and Murphy. And they’re two Irish farm hands going to Dublin on their day off.

Sean falls and twists his ankle and says “Aye, Murph. I can’t go much farther. I’ll just nip into this bar off the road and you can get me on yer way back.”

Murphy says, “alright, Sean...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

I was sat at the bar in a pub in Dublin..

..when a Chinese man comes in, sits next to me and starts drinking. I asked him " do you know any of those martial arts like karate or kung fu?"
He says "NO - why the he'll you ask me that! Is it because I am Chinese!!?"
I said "No , it's because your drinking my Guiness"

In 1845 Dublin a ridiculously large number of beer kegs broke and flooded the streets in total about 10 people died by trying to drink it

Talk about drowning your sorrows

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mohammad goes to his new school after moving to Dublin

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad....

A man traveling on business lands in Dublin.

He hails a cab and is on his way. As the cab is approaching a red traffic light it isn’t slowing down. The cabbie runs the red light, and the man says

“You know you just ran a red light”?

The cabbie replies “I don’t believe in red lights and neither do any of my 10 taxi driving brothe...

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air.

He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building.
On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up ...

Murphy and O'Neill were looking at jobs listings at the Labour Office in Dublin

Murphy saw an advert from Park Services looking for tree planters.

He turns to O'Neill and says "This sounds like a great opportunity. Too bad there's only two of us."

Bono and the Edge walk into a bar in Dublin

The barman exclaims, "Not U2 again!!!"

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Billy says, “In the car.”

Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dublin thug corners an Irishman in a dark alley... [Religion] [Irish]

The thug raises a club and says "Got ya! I'm gonna split yer skull, ya Protty bastard!"

"No, wait!" says the man "You've got it wrong. I'm not a Protestant."

"Ah-ha!" Shouts the thug, "I tricked ya! I knew ya were a damn Croppy all along! Now die, ya papist!"

"No, you don't unde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two irish men meet in a pub.

One day two Irishmen are sitting in a pub drinking pints of Guinness.
‘Excuse me sir,” one man says to the other,
“but I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turns around and says, “I noticed the very same thing. Where are you from?”
“I’m from Dublin,” says the second man. ...

A Dublin man enters his local pub on a Friday night, takes a seat at the bar, and orders 3 pints of Guinness

He proceeds to take alternating sips from each glass until all 3 are empty, thanks the bartender, pays his tab, and leaves.

This practice continues week after week until one evening when the bartender, curious about the man’s weekly ritual, says, “Sir, you’re one of my regulars here. If you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother moved to Dublin to start up a gym for eunuchs...

Yeah, he called it "Cockless and Muscles".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean is walking the streets of Dublin....

He turns down a street and comes across a crowd.

He goes over to see what all the fuss is about and sees everyone staring at a burning building.

On the top floor is a group of people who are trapped and can't get down, screaming and pleading for someone to help them.

Sean runs t...

Light a Candle

Mrs. Murphy was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Brennan.
The father said, "Aren't ye Mrs. Murphy, and didn't I marry ye and yer man two years ago?"
"Aye, that ye did, father," she replied.
Father Brennan asked, "and be there any wee little ones yet?"
"...

Test

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints....

A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a bar.

"You know," one says, "I love Guiness. It takes me back to Ireland, where I was raised."

"You're kidding!" says the second patron. "I was born in Ireland too!"

The men toast Ireland, laugh, and keep drinking. The bartender shakes his head.

"So where in Ireland are you from?"
...

an american tourist visits dublin.....

An American tourist was in Dublin for the first time. He was driving his rent-a-car through the north inner-city and wanting to walk into town to see some sites, he pulled up at the side of a kerb.

Being a tourist, he wasn't 100% sure if he was allowed to park there, so he got out of the car ...

Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”

“Sure is, Patrick.”

“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when sh...

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Seamus the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Seamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

"...

Heard this in Dublin yesterday.

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two deaf guys walk into a bar in Dublin

One goes and gets a seat while the other orders two pints.
"That'll be 30 euro please." Says the barman.
"30 euro!" says the deaf guy. "Why is it so expensive?"
"We've got live music on tonight" says the barman.
"Oh." says the deaf guy. "What kind of music is it? Is it some rock and roll...

An Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin.

He orders 3 pints of beer. He slowly drinks them one by one. The next day he comes in & does the same thing. After several days, the bartender says, "You know, if you order them one at a time, they won't go flat and they'll stay cold." The guy says, "You see, I have 2 brothers, and we were ver...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog tal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda...

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'
London La...

How to get to Heaven from Ireland (A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher)...

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cl...

I was at a bar in Dublin yesterday

And this Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. I ask him, "Hey, do you know any of those fancy martial arts like Kung Fu, etc?" "No" he says, "Are you asking that because I am Chinese? WTF?" "Naw" I replied, "It's cause you are drinking my beer ya wee lil prick"

Do you know what Irish City is seeing the biggest population growth?

It is their capital. It is Dublin (doubling)...

The Queen of England and the Pope were at a public Mass in Dublin...

The Queen of England and the Pope were at a public Mass in Dublin. As the two of them sat up on the stage, the Queen leans over to the Pope and says,

"Watch this! With one motion of my arm, I can make this whole crowd go nuts!" The Queen then turns to the crowd and does her famous "Queen wa...

In Dublin, a very nervous Liam brings his girlfriend to meet his father for the first time.

Liam (to father): This is Amanda

Father: A fooking WHAT!?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ireland penis.

What do you say when you see a pretty Irish girl. My penis is Dublin in size.

What do you call a secret agent from Ireland?

Dublin 07

Seamus and Paddy are walking home from the pub

After a night of drinking Seamus and Paddy start making their way home. Paddy trips over a large stone and Seamus says "Jaysus Paddy are you ok?" Paddy replies "Yes I'm fine, wait Seamus check it out there's a man buried here that lived to 100 years old." "Your joking Paddy, what's his name?" "Miles...

Did you know alcohol in Ireland is better than in Scotland?

Its Dublin size!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Irishmen are walking home after a night at the pub.

They're all a bit pissed, and decided to take the shortcut through the churchyard. As they pass the gravestones, one Irishman says to the others, "Look at this, boys. Ol' Patrick Flannigan lived 'til 85". Another of the men says, "Ah, that's nothing. Davie O'Toole is buried here. He lived to be 97."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irish Prostitute

An old man goes up to a prostitute in Dublin. He says “how much do you charge?”. She says “€150”. He replies “I’ve got no money, all I have is these two All Ireland Championship medals I won in the 60’s”. She says “that’ll do”, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening ...

A guy walks into a bar in Ireland.

He asks the bartender, “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin from Cork?"

“Are you walking or driving?” asks the bartender. “Driving,” he replies.

*"Then that's the quickest way."*

DRINKING BUDDIES

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in I...

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

A Irishman is on his deathbed with a priest by his side.

The Irishman is surrounded by his wife, his two children and a priest and as he feels death near, states his will.
He says to his wife Mary,
"My dear wife, you are the love of my life, so you shall receive the houses in Belfast"
He says to his son Tim,
"Tim, you were always a good lad, s...

I always wondered why there were two different ways to spell Whiskey / Whisky.

Having been to Dublin, I now realise it's because the Irish like to drop an E in their drinks.

Two Irishmen were walking down a street in London.

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him "Are you Irish, then?"

"That I am"

"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"

"Dublin"

"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"

"Where in Dublin", says the other feller

"Temple Bar"

"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"

"So d...

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...

Did you hear about the Irish car prices?

They're Dublin

Why do Irish love powers of 2?

They love Dublin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

The Furniture Dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the ...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits down at the bar next to another man...

"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland"
"I'm from Ireland too! Get this man a drink"

The second man asks
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"I'm from Leinster"
"I'm from Leinster too! Get THIS man a drink"

"Where in Leinster are you from?"
"I'm from Dublin"
"No fuck...

A photographer was on vacation

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that
read '€10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it w...

Two Irishmen sat at a bar...

To pass the time, they began to get to know each other.

“Where you from, laddie?” said the first

“Oh, I’m from Dublin, ya see” said the second.

“Oh ya don’t say! I’m from Dublin, too! What parish were ye in?”

“Oh I was in the St. Thomas parish, ya see”

“Ya dont say...

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

Why is Ireland a good investment ?

Cause its capital is dublin'

Why is Ireland so expensive?

House prices are always Dublin'

Which country's capital has the fastest growing population?

Ireland. Everday it's Dublin.





\*Idk if this has been on here yet. My co worker told me this and I about had a stroke.\*

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.