UPJOKE
irelandscotsmanlatingaelsicelandersscotlandhiberniawalesnorthern irelandwelshmanirish personfrenchmanvikingsirishgreat britain

Irishman Jokes

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. T...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub

The barman says 'Is this some sort of joke'

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

The Scotsman yells out "Drinks for the House, On Me!"

The newspaper next morning reads 'Irish Ventriloquist Found beaten to Death behind Pub'

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman...

...walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over...

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , th...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "what brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says, "well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walks into a job interview.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."

[And proceeds to draw three trees.](https://qph.i...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his soup?

One more would have made it two farty.

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in fr...

Drunk Irishman

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows ba...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

An Irishman's philosophy...there are only two things to worry about..

Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you're sick, there are two things to worry about.

Either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.

But if you die, there ...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I d...

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join MI6

The Englishman comes in for his interview and it goes really well, he has a glowing record in the Army and is a perfect fit for the job.

At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"

The Englishman replies "My country of course!"

"OK" say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Skinny Irishman

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and
says: 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles,
Turner Brown.'
The little white I...

Irishman and the goldfish... again

The Irishman caught a goldfish
"Let me go and I will fulfill your three wishes" - she says.
"OK." says the Irishman "so be it I will let you go..."
"Come on, tell me what you'd like," says the fish, and he thinks and nothing comes to mind... he only remembers that he's thirsty and say...

An Irishman walks into an American bar

He sits down and orders 3 beers.

“You know, you don’t have to order these all at once - I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender.

“Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin tog...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, German, and Irishman

An Englishman, a German, and a Irishman are sitting in a bar, each with their favorite drink. Three flies buzzing around the bar choose to land in each of their drinks. The Englishman sees the fly in his wine and exclaims, "I cannot drink this filth! Bring me a fresh brew in a new glass!" The German...

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

A Irishman is on his deathbed with a priest by his side.

The Irishman is surrounded by his wife, his two children and a priest and as he feels death near, states his will.
He says to his wife Mary,
"My dear wife, you are the love of my life, so you shall receive the houses in Belfast"
He says to his son Tim,
"Tim, you were always a good lad, s...

An Irishman is pulled from a bar on fire

The firemen, in the interest of finding out the cause ask him, "What started the fire!?"

The Irishman, covered on soot, shakes his head. "Beats me. It was already on fire when I went in."

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair ...

A woman stopped an Irishman in the street the other day. She asked, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’

'All right,' the Irishman replied, 'but we won't get much done.'

A married Irishman went into the confessional...

... and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender gives him a strange look, but serves him his drinks. The Irishman takes them to a booth, clinks them together, and drinks them all.

He then goes back to the bartender and orders another three beers, which he proceeds to drink in the same fashion.

On his third round, the ...

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman enter a bar.

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Welshman walk into a bar and order a pint of beer each. Suddenly, a fly lands in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders another one.

The Welshman carefully removes the fly and continues drinking.

The Irish...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubrican...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar

The Englishman walks into the bar, approaches the horrendous looking barmaid and asks for something to eat. The Barmaid demands sex for food.

The Englishman declines quickly exiting the bar.

The Irishman then walks into the bar and approaches the same horrendous looking barmaid. The ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him "Are you Irish, then?"

"That I am"

"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"

"Dublin"

"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"

"Where in Dublin", says the other feller

"Temple Bar"

"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"

"So d...

An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman...

...sit down at a pub and each order a Guinness. As the foam is settling, a fly happens to land in each of their glasses.

Put off by this, and accustomed to a more civilised way of drinking, the posh Englishman politely asks the barkeep for another pint.

The Scottsman, a bit more roug...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."

The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."

Then the Irishman says "Oi tink O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!" ...

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.

“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him.

“No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish p...

An Irishman walks into a Library

An Irishman walks into a Library and asks loudly: "One Fish and Chips please."

The Librarian gives him a confused look and says "Sir, this is a Library."

The Irishman apologises, leans forward and whispers: *"One Fish and Chips please."*

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...

...are robbing the manor house.

One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.

The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since ...

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are walking in a park when a genie appears out of nowhere

The genie also magics up a slide, and says to them, "Whatever you wish for when sliding down this slide will be waiting at the bottom for you."

The Englishman goes first. "Gold!" He yells as he slides down, and, true to the genie's word, he lands in a huge room, full to the brim with gold....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an Scotchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

They each order a beer. The barkeep brings them each a beer, and there happens to be a fly in each one. The Englishmen, a bit put off, says "Sir there's a fly in my beer, I'll need a fresh one please." The Scotchman, undeterred shrugs and says "I won't be letting a fly ruin me enjoying my beer!" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman goes to the doctor

An Irishman goes to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps. After examining him, the doctor told the Irishman to pull down his trousers and bend over.

The doctor reached up the Irishman's poop shoot and extracted a twenty pound note.

Over the next hour the doctor kept pulling money...

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea. (ricochet)
Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone!!!

Three Irishman

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.

"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."

"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman buys a chainsaw...

Paddy goes to the tool store to buy a chainsaw.

The storekeeper says " this model will cut 60 trees a day".

"Fine," says Paddy, I'll take it now".

The next day, Paddy returns to the store. "You said this chainsaw would cut 60 trees a day, I'm only able to cut 40?"

The st...

Who would win in a drinking game between an Irishman and a Scotsman?

The distillery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

Am Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost deep in a jungle. They get captured by a tribe of cannibals and are told "you can have one request before we kill you, eat you and then your skins into a canoe". The scot asks for a bottle of the finest scotch and, somehow the tribe brings it to him...

An Irishman walks past a bar.

Just kidding.

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chan...

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…..

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman took their wives to play a round of golf…
The Englishman’s wife stepped up to the tee first and as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blew up her skirt, revealing she wasn't wearing any panties.

“Good God, my sweet pet! What e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been...

My sister married an Irishman

"Oh really?"

"No, O'Reilly"

An irishman is at a bar

He goes to get up and falls flat on his face

" paddy, you've had enough to drink, go home" the bartender tells him

" I'm Irish, i can hold my booze, but i think its time for me to leave !"
He goes to stand up again and falls flat on his face.

" look, you live right next door,...

Irishman looking for a parking place

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculousl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

The next week He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one...

Irishman...

Old Patrick O'Reilly is on his deathbed. He calls his oldest son to his bedside:

"Son, you wouldn't deny yer poor old father his last request, now would you?"

"No, of course not, Da! Anything!"

"Well then, I want you to run over and fetch the Protestant minister across the wa...

An Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman take their wives to breakfast

Tea is served
Trying to be cute the English man says to his wife
“Would you like some sugar, sugar?”

The Welshman trying to follow suit says to his wife
“Would you like some honey, honey?”

The Irishman refusing to be outdone says to his wife:
“Would you like some milk, yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the Nazis.

The Nazis ask if they have any last wishes

The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"

The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"

The Englishman says "I wanna die first"

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde guy..

...were doing construction work on scaffolding at the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch and exclaimed...

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a Bar.

Each orders a double scotch.

Through a stroke of misfortune, a fly lands in each of their drinks.

The Englishman calls the waiter, points out the fly, and gets his drink returned.

The American looks around a while, ensures no one is looking, takes the fly out with a pair of twee...

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishm...

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scott go into a bar:

The three men order themselves a pint. In a strange coincidence a fly lands in each mans brew.
The Englishman says, "I, I cont drink this. May i ave another?"
The Scot grunts and chugs his beer down fly and all.
The Irishman leans down really close, grabs the fly by it's wing and screams "S...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots...

Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness.

"Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks.

"Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman at the bar. Heavy NPR listeners might have heard this one.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see ...

What do you call a Bald Irishman?

Al O'Peesha

a Mexican, an Irishman, and a blonde

are working at a construction site. they break for lunch.
Irishman- "corned beef and cabbage again?! I swear if I get this for lunch one more time, I'll throw myself off the top of this building!"
Mexican- "enchiladas again?! if I get this for lunch one more time, I'll jump off the top of this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman goes into a bar...

After downing several pints, he heads to the loo to take a huge piss.

At the urinal next to him, there's a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He takes a quick peek and sees the short guy has a huge dick.

Irish guy is drunk and decides to say, "I'd do anyth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2...

Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started.

"I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."

A drunk Irishman sees two women at the bar.

Irishman: You two ladies from England?

Girl: No, Wales.

Irishman: You two whales from England?

An Irishman walks into a Bar

An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants. The bartender takes a look at him and asks, what's the deal with that steering wheel?

The Irishman responds " Aye, Its driving me nuts"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness

A lady next To him says,
“What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man – “I’m celebrating.”
Lady – “Me too.”
Irish man – “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady – “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman – “What a ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.