Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.

Paddy and Mick, have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.

The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and Mick takes his gun and shoots a man.

"What are you doing Mick" said Paddy, "It's only a quarter to eight!"

"That...

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An American walks into a Belfast pub

Walks up to the counter and asks for an 'Irish car bomb'

Barman pours two tall shots of sambuca and lights them on fire and pushed them to the American who looks at him confused and says 'This isn't an Irish car bomb?'

Barman says 'No, its two towers, now fuck off'

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

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Into a Belfast Pub . . .

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy...

A Irishman is on his deathbed with a priest by his side.

The Irishman is surrounded by his wife, his two children and a priest and as he feels death near, states his will.
He says to his wife Mary,
"My dear wife, you are the love of my life, so you shall receive the houses in Belfast"
He says to his son Tim,
"Tim, you were always a good lad, s...

Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun

The masked man asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"?

Brian replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist"

The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:

"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?

A man is walking at night in Belfast in the 70's...

He's nervous, but his hotel is only a few blocks away.

Unfortunately, as he passes a dark alley, he's grabbed. He feels a knife at his throat, and a voice asks

"Catholic or Protestant?"

Sweating cold sweat, his mind is racing. If he says "Catholic" and the attacker is Protestan...

A Chinese man walks into a pub in West Belfast.

He orders a pint of stout, drinks half of it and then goes to the toilet. He's no sooner gone than a bloke gets up out of his seat and goes up to the bar and farts in the Chinese man's Guinness. The Chinese man returns but the barman stops him from drinking telling him what had just happened. The Ch...

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A man was walking down the street at night in Belfast, during the Troubles

While he's walking along, a masked gunman leaps out behind him, knocks him to the ground, and sticks a pistol in his face.

"What religion are you?" the gunman demands.

The man on the ground thinks fast- if he guesses Catholic or Protestant and gets it wrong, he's dead.

So he sho...

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A man, walking the High Street in Belfast at the height of the Troubles

Is accosted by a hand out of the side of his vision and pulled into an alleyway. A voice in the darkness asks, 'Catholic or Protestant?' The man, thinking quickly, says, 'neither, I'm Jewish!' 'Well fuck, that makes me the luckiest Arab in Belfast.'

An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...

An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:

Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"

Staff member: "Well sir, that depen...

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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near...

...His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra...

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

Irish Cop and a Flasher

*Said best with alternating Irish accents*

One day an old Irish beat cop on the streets of Belfast is arresting a flasher for the 25th time. He says, Angus, I’ve arrested you 25 times over the years, once a year for every year I’ve been a beat cop, but I’m retiring this month and I think you ...

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A Russian, an American, and an Irishman is in a bar, drinking and bragging (long)

The russian guy says: "in Russia, we have the biggest fleet in the world - if we put all our ships up, front to end on the atlantic, you could walk from Amstedam to New York"

The American says: "yes, but we have the largest airforce, if we flew all our planes over europe, the entire continent...

A man is out drinking in Belfast.

After a good night on the town, he is heading home a little worse for wear. As he turns down a dark alleyway between two streets, he hears quick footsteps behind him, and a voice, uncomfortably close, whispers "Are ye Catholic or are ye Protestant?"

Sobering up quickly, the man frantically tr...

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In Belfast, Northern Ireland...

A man walking down a dark alley is stopped by a thug with a revolver.
"Freeze, ya Protty bastard!" Says the Thug, "Yer a dead man!"
"Don't shoot!" Cries the man, "I'm not a protestant! "

The Thug smiles "A-ha! I knew it! Time to die ya croppy Papist shite!"

"Don't shoot!" Cries t...

What does a bell company in North Ireland need to have to attract customers?

Speed. People want to get their belfast

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The Leprechaun Nun

Father O'Malley was walking through the fields in Belfast when he looked down and saw a four leaf clover. He picked it and spoke outloud "This must be me lucky day!" Then a Leprechaun came out from behind a tree and stood before him. "Oh it is me lucky day! Do I get a wish now?"

The Leprechau...

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Two Irish men are digging a ditch.

Two irish men are digging a ditch while a third British man keeps watch on their progress. One Irish man asks t'other "why is it that we have to be down here in this mud while the Brit sits up there on his lazy arse." The second Irish man, indignant at this sudden revelation, stomps up to the man on...

A joke for (and by) Northern Irish people.

Made from two redditors' comments on the death of Paisley.

"Thatcher and Paisley within 18 months of each other; somewhere in West Belfast there's a bloke wondering what his third wish should be."

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