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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

To whoever stole my Microsoft Office

I will find you. You have my Word

When Microsoft was casting for names to its search engine, it wanted something short that can't be misspelled. Chief marketing strategist first thought "Bang" would be the answer.

It almost fit all the criteria, except when used as a verb.

Most people don't want to say "I Banged Obama's dog" or "I Banged Donald Trump last night".

What did Bill Gates do at his foundation that he couldn’t at Microsoft?

Prevent viruses.

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck...

Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

Microsoft has put a hidden feature into Windows 10 which removes bad Reddit posts from the screen.

You can press the Alt and the F4 key at the same time to try it out.

I get drunk with power uninstalling microsoft products. I don't do it all the time..

just when I need to take the Edge off.

I am gifting you a Microsoft office license for your birthday

I give you my word.

My friend just had a convo with "Microsoft support"

I was just about to hang up when they called me, but my friend had a brilliant way of handling them.

Totally legit Microsoft support: “Hi. This is John Alex from Microsoft Support. We have detected a virus on your computer. Don't mind the fact that I can't pronounce 'Microsoft' properly," in ...

If you were to write a direct , very short introduction for Microsoft Office’s word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for word.

To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

What's the opposite of Microsoft Office?

Macrohard Onfire.

I was going to make a joke about Microsoft

But I don't excel at it

So I heard Microsoft is making smart fences now...

The main problem is they Bill Gates.

I heard Microsoft made taking a screenshot much harder

I guess you could call it a windowpane.

I wondered for a long time why Apple and Microsoft went straight from iPhone/Windows 8 straight to X/10...

Then it finally occurred to me that 7 ate 9.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you; you have my Word. You’ve taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?

Why are Microsoft employees never relaxed?

Because they’re always on Edge.

I use Microsoft's search engine on my laptop & it explodes. So I take it to the Italian repair guy

He says "What's the problem with your computer? Please keep it brief"
I say "Bad-a-Bing Bad-a-boom!"

Why did the construction worker buy the Microsoft CD?

To install the windows.

Using Microsoft Word

**moves image 1mm to the right**

4 new pages appear.

Global warming.

Alien invasion.

Armageddon.

Where do Microsoft employees go to work?

a Microsoft office.

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office...

I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

I took Microsoft to France.

It became Microissant.

There must be flat-earthers at Microsoft.

Or why would one call a browser for the worldwide web Edge?

Today I had an interview for a job at Microsoft, and the recruiter asked me "Why do you think you are a good fit for our company?"

I replied: "because I too am micro and soft right now"

Why did the farmer study Microsoft office outside his house?

So he could excel in his field.

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...

I'm going to make 2 companies. Competing with Microsoft will be Megahard. Competing with The North Face will be The South End.

Now to make the logos...

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen died today

Unfortunately ctrl-alt-delete will not bring him back to life.


RIP Paul Allen.

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Microsoft office just fixed tables so they don't mess your entire document up if you move it 1mm

jokes, it's still fucked

Someone stole my microsoft office kit for school

I can't excel without it

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

What causes Paul Walker and Microsoft Windows to crash?

Bad drivers

Microsoft did a commerical for a disability controller, I wonder how they did the casting.

Wanted disabled kid for a commercial must know a Fortnite dance.

I'm so annoyed at how much Microsoft tries to make me use their browser...

It's pushing me to the Edge

I'm not very good at Microsoft office or powerpoint,

but when it comes to spreadsheets I Excel.

My friend promised to give me one of his old Microsoft Office licenses.

He gave me his Word.

Timmy: "My mom said you bought her Microsoft Office for her birthday. Is that true?"

Jimmy: "Word to your mother."

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

None.

They redefine broken as the new standard.

So apparently Microsoft is working on a new Chromium-based web browser to replace the old ones..

Hooray! We'll finally have a decent web browser for downloading other web browsers.

Why do Microsoft products cost money?

You gotta pay the Bill

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Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation.

It's a very PC work environment.

I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything.

I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”

Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?

Because they can only use OneNote!

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

Chrome and Microsoft edge were having an argument when suddenly...

Microsoft edge stopped responding

Microsoft

Boss : How good are you at making spreadsheet?

Me : I excel at it

Boss : Was that a Microsoft office pun?

Me : word

I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars.

Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.

I'm like Microsoft Edge

Nobody likes me, but I'm edgy

How many Sony and Microsoft fanboys does it take to turn on a lightbulb?

I don't know. They won't go near the Switch.

I got kicked out of Microsoft store ...

I was merely scratching the Surface ...

How can you tell something is terribly wrong at Microsoft?

Windows hasn't updated in two weeks.

I'm taking a Microsoft incel class.

So I can spread sheets by myself

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference...

At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. T...

What an answer

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. ...

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Microsoft

Great name for a computer company; bad name for a penis.

In an interview: "How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?"

"I Excel at it."

"Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir?"

"Word."

What do Microsoft and Burger King have in common?

They both hate big Macs.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

..I will find you. You have my Word.

---

I have a self-driving car, yesterday I added Microsoft word to its AI program.

Today it wrote it's autobiography.

How did Bill Gates come up with the name Microsoft?

Ask his wife.

Someone had the audacity to delete every version of Microsoft Office from my computer.

I have no Words.

A way to get tons of people in a Microsoft Word party

is to Calibri (Body)

The XBox One X is Microsoft's new console

The short of that is XBOX, they've now come full circle, or 360.

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