UPJOKE
hurtmaimharmtraumatizehumiliatebruisewoundconcussincapacitatemutilateinjurydamageblunt traumadisslacerate

I was really depressed after I injured my neck in a car accident last year.

Now I can look back and laugh.

Men are very sensitive..

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

what do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention ?

.
.
.
.


You call the hambulance.

my wife injured me with her hand job

It rubbed me the wrong way

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

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Did you read in the paper about Lorena Bobbit getting badly injured in a car crash up in Boston?

Apparently some dick cut her off.

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I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?

To the ICU.

Did you hear about the guy that got badly injured while playing peekaboo?

Yeah they had to put him in the I.C.U.

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

What do you call a shrimp that always gets injured?

Accident prawn.

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

What did the paramedic said to the badly injured power ranger?

It is morphine time!

A man had a cattle ranch that he ran with his two daughters.

One day their only bull went crazy, broke through the fence and killed the man. The bull was injured and was attacking everything and everyone in sight. The daughters had to put him down. They needed a new bull, but they only had $1000 in cash. So one daughter decided to go to town and see if she co...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

Oh no! Someone got seriously injured at the Nintendo headquarters! Call an ambulance!

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

What does an injured person and the fillings of a sandwich have in common

They’re both in pain

Dog

A man was walking down the street when he saw another man walking a 5 foot dog. The man asks "does your dog bite?" "No my dog doesn't". The man pats the dog and he immediately gets his hand bitten off. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite?" asked the injured man. "That's not my dog replies the ...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

An American gets injured

I don’t know if this is a good joke but,

An American gets badly injured in his leg, and it has to be amputated.
At the hospital he asks if this is going to cost him an arm and a leg.
The doctor confused says “we are only taking your leg”.
The man then says “I was taking about the bil...

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
...

What did Louis Braille say after he injured his eye with an awl?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

Why did the worker at the coal mine come to work immediately after he got injured ?

because it was a miner injury

Thuperheroeth

A guy was walking down the street when he glanced down an alley and saw that it was almost entirely demolished. In the center of the rubble laid a man with all his teeth missing and blood pouring from his mouth.

The bystander ran up to the injured man. "What happened?"

"Well, I wath ...

Why is your injured girlfriend so cold to you?

Because she is a sore bae.

What do you call a slightly injured Cow?

Ow.

A mariachi band was in a car accident..

Unfortunately some of the instruments were damaged and the band members injured. Don’t worry, they made a maracaless recovery.

What do you call Batman when he is injured?

Bruised Wayne

Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

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My mate injured his penis in a surfing incident.

He had to shut his laptop quickly when his wife came home unexpectedly

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

How do you transport an injured pig?

In a hambulance!

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

How did Steve got his lungs injured in army?

Sergeant told him to blow up the tank.

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

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Injured Pirate Captain

An old pirate captain was having a talk with a young pirate captain out on the docks.

They joked for a bit until the young captain gets the courage to ask: “What happened to your leg?”

The old captain was eager to respond: “Oh this ‘ere leg? Well ye see lad, I was in a chase with an en...

A man goes to an old woodsman to learn the secrets of tracking animals

A man goes to an old woodsman to learn the secrets of tracking animals. The woodsman agrees to teach him and takes him out into the forest.

A short ways in, the woodsman stops and crouches down to the ground. After a moment, he says, "A wolf came through here. An older male. Hunting alone." "...

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Why do 40,000 people get injured by their toilets each year?

Because the toilets are done taking their shit.

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box.

I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.

A soldier got injured in a gun fight...

... and kept screaming "medic". The other soldiers took him to the medical tent but he kept screaming "medic". The medic finally arrived and asked him what was wrong and the soldier kept saying "medic". After a few minutes of inspecting the soldier below the waist, he realized that the soldier wasn'...

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

A man got injured when his books fell on him...

He had no one to blame but his shelf

Sean Connery was recently injured by a pile of books that fell on him.

When asked about the incident, he responded, “I had nobody but my shelf to blame.”

Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line?

He made a maraca-ulous recovery.



It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry.

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

My doctor told me I injured my eye by staring at my computer screen for too long.

I guess I have a terminal disease.

Where do people injured playing competitive peek-a-boo go when they're hurt?

The ICU

Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day

Got up too fast after watching the third film

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A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.

The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.

A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.

He ordered them to all drop their pants.
They all had i...

What did the stranger say to the injured British man?

UK man??

What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend?

One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.

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A man walks into a GP's office with a fork stuck in his cheek.

'Help me, doctor!' he says in a desperate voice.

'I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you,' says the doctor while putting on his coat. 'My shift ends at 5 p.m. and it's already five past.'

'But doctor, please, there must be something you can do!', cries the man.

'No, sorry...

Getting injured in America is kinda like an arcade machine

You gotta input more money or you die.

Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?

Do not accept if seal is broken.

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.

Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

What is it called when you're on vacation in the U.S. and you get injured?

Debt.

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A heavily injured man is laying bleeding in the floor.

Two rookie paramedics, Jay and Bill, are the first responders and rush to his side.

"Shit, there's so much blood, what do we do?" Says Jay.

"I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book." Bill replies.

"Well, what does it say in the boo...

What do you call an injured gang member?

a *crip*ple

How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?

By icing it.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

What does an injured cat always say?

"Me, ow!"

What do you call a goody two-shoes who gets injured in the civil war?

Goody one-shoe.

It was only after the accident, which left the mans feet severely injured that their marriage turned sour.

Unbeknownst him he had married someone who was lack-toes intolerant

What do lawyers do with a injured leg

They put it in attorney-quet.

What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

My granddad went to Vietnam and singlehandedly fought and injured 30 North Vietnamese.

Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else.

I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon.

On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.

A man was crossing the road when he was hit by a car, which then sped off. A police officer asked the injured man, ”Did you get a look at the driver?” ”No,” he said, “but I can tell you it was my ex-wife.”

“How do you know that?” asked the officer.


“I’d recognize her laugh anywhere!”

I got injured in the playground today.

Chute.

What do you give to an injured lemon?

Lemon-aid.

Courtesy of my daughter.

A man was badly injured in a car accident

The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

Three men are sitting on an airplane.

One has a a banana, one has a skateboard, and one has a bomb. The first one peels the banana, eats the banana, and throws the peel out the window. The second man just throws the skateboard out the window. The last man lights the fuse on his bomb and throws it out the window.

When they arrive ...

I was injured by my radio.

It Hertz.

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A thalidomide victim has been badly injured by a firework...

He followed the instructions precisely - "Light fuse and hold at arms length".

Nearly blew his fucking head off!

Use your goddamn head!

Mike visited his friend Bob in the hospital after Bob had suffered from an severe head injury,

What happened Bob? How did you got your head injured like this, asks mike.

I was trying break a rock with my slippers when a man saw me and told me that this wouldn't work and that I should u...

The Italian bride

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...

The MLB is renaming the “disabled list” to the “injured list”.

I’m surprised by how easily it was for the Cleveland Indians to embrace using politically correct terminology.

What sound does an injured turkey make?

Hobblehobblehobblehobble

Injured animal jokes are

Lame

I was going to tell you a joke about an injured deer...

...but it would have been lame.

Court proceedings were rescheduled because a juror appeared to have sprained his ankle upon entering the court chambers. It turns out he was related to the defendant, and he only pretended to be injured in an attempt to buy his relative more time. When the judge found this out, he punished the man.

Lucky for the man, a fake in jury isn’t a serious offense.

Today, a man was injured at the local glass cleaner factory....

His injuries are very clear.

An oceanarium took out an insurance policy on their trained seals.

One day one of their seals got injured and needed treatment. However, the insurance company rejected their claim.
The reason was: "Warranty void if seal is broken."

Condoms are like injured bones...

If they are broken you are screwed.

I injured my back in Egypt...

and had to see a Cairo-practor

A young soldier from Texas was sent to battle….

A young soldier from Texas was sent to battle. Not being the brightest in class, a recruiter noticed he was tough and had heart so off he went to war right after high school.

While in service, he again was not known to be the brightest but earned many accolades and by the end of the war he w...

Before I Injured my leg girls used to run away from me

Now they just walk

My buddy in the Air Force got injured in the war...

He fell off his chair.

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

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[OC] I brought home an injured bird

And I wanted to nurse it back to health. My mom was okay with it, but my dad looked pissed.
He was so mad that he yelled, "THAT WON'T FLY IN MY HOUSE!"

What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?

A hobblin' goblin

A woman is severely injured in a car accident.

....Her husband talks to the doctor and asks how she's doing.

"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." The doctor answered.

"The bad news is that she's completely paralyzed. You'll have to help her move, eat, drink, shower, go to the toilet, get into bed, and other day-to-d...

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A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

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