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Injured Jokes

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

An italian pastry chef was injured at work this friday

We Cannoli hope he makes a full recovery.

My uncle was injured in an explosion at the cheese factory today.

He was hit by a chunk of da Brie

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

Did you hear about the mansplainer that got injured?

Apparently he fell down a manhole, but it was a well, actually.

Man injured playing Peekaboo

Taken to the ICU

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

I can’t be injured by cars.

The scientists said I have an autoimmune condition.

I was once served a grilled cheese sandwich in Switzerland and it was too hot to eat and I injured myself.

I had to go to the Bern ward...

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A friend of mine was recently injured from a lack of blood flow to his brain while he was masturbating.

He had a bad stroke!

Sawmill workers get injured less often than you might think.

At least they can count the incidents on their fingers.

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

My friend threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me but I wasn’t really injured

Thankfully, they were super-fish-oil injuries

my wife injured me with her hand job

It rubbed me the wrong way

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day

Got up too fast after watching the third film

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

When the paramedics asked if I knew my injured ex-girlfriend’s blood type, I gave them the wrong one.

Now she’ll get to know what rejection feels like

Oh no! Someone got seriously injured at the Nintendo headquarters! Call an ambulance!

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

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A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma

After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and g...

I was really depressed after I injured my neck in a car accident last year.

Now I can look back and laugh.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

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Injured Pirate Captain

An old pirate captain was having a talk with a young pirate captain out on the docks.

They joked for a bit until the young captain gets the courage to ask: “What happened to your leg?”

The old captain was eager to respond: “Oh this ‘ere leg? Well ye see lad, I was in a chase with an en...

What do you call a shrimp that always gets injured?

Accident prawn.

Did you hear about the guy that got badly injured while playing peekaboo?

Yeah they had to put him in the I.C.U.

what do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention ?

.
.
.
.


You call the hambulance.

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The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate injured his penis in a surfing incident.

He had to shut his laptop quickly when his wife came home unexpectedly

How do you transport an injured pig?

In a hambulance!

Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?

Do not accept if seal is broken.

What did the paramedic said to the badly injured power ranger?

It is morphine time!

What do you call an injured Hulk?

A BRUISED BANNER

What do you call a slightly injured Cow?

Ow.

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
...

Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

Why is your injured girlfriend so cold to you?

Because she is a sore bae.

A soldier got injured in a gun fight...

... and kept screaming "medic". The other soldiers took him to the medical tent but he kept screaming "medic". The medic finally arrived and asked him what was wrong and the soldier kept saying "medic". After a few minutes of inspecting the soldier below the waist, he realized that the soldier wasn'...

How did Steve got his lungs injured in army?

Sergeant told him to blow up the tank.

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

What does an injured cat always say?

"Me, ow!"

What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend?

One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out, "I want a billion dollars." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net wor...

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

A man got injured when his books fell on him...

He had no one to blame but his shelf

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

What does an injured person and the fillings of a sandwich have in common

They’re both in pain

What did Louis Braille say after he injured his eye with an awl?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

What did the stranger say to the injured British man?

UK man??

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do 40,000 people get injured by their toilets each year?

Because the toilets are done taking their shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A heavily injured man is laying bleeding in the floor.

Two rookie paramedics, Jay and Bill, are the first responders and rush to his side.

"Shit, there's so much blood, what do we do?" Says Jay.

"I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book." Bill replies.

"Well, what does it say in the boo...

Getting injured in America is kinda like an arcade machine

You gotta input more money or you die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you read in the paper about Lorena Bobbit getting badly injured in a car crash up in Boston?

Apparently some dick cut her off.

What do you give to an injured lemon?

Lemon-aid.

Courtesy of my daughter.

What sound does an ambulance make when a child predator gets injured?

PE-DO PE-DO PE-DO!

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

What do lawyers do with a injured leg

They put it in attorney-quet.

I was injured by my radio.

It Hertz.

What do you call an injured gang member?

a *crip*ple

I got injured in the playground today.

Chute.

Sean Connery was recently injured by a pile of books that fell on him.

When asked about the incident, he responded, “I had nobody but my shelf to blame.”

I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon.

On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.

Condoms are like injured bones...

If they are broken you are screwed.

Why did the worker at the coal mine come to work immediately after he got injured ?

because it was a miner injury

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?

By icing it.

Injured animal jokes are

Lame

A man was badly injured in a car accident

The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

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