UPJOKE
injuryheadachebruisecontusiontraumaticblowbumpwoundtraumasprainkneegroinelbowanklesoreness

Concussions aren't real

It's all in your head

Why did Bob's CONCUSSION after a fall come to a CONCLUSION?

He lost an S and took the L

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all...

Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

My neighbour is in the the GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

What's it called when the Grim Reaper screws up and gets a concussion?

A repercussion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

My neighbor has had a record of 57 concussions.

He lives really close to me ... stone throws away, in fact.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I found out that it is a bad idea to have sex right after a concussion.

It is fucking confusing.

Honestly getting a concussion wasn’t so bad.

It hurt when it happened but I barely remember it now.

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

If concussions can cause short-term memory loss...

what can concussions cause?

We discussed concussions in Sports Medicine today

Talk about a headache

Why did the Doctor think the Panda had a concussion?

It kept calling saying its head was fuzzy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

18th Century Arms Dealer Receives Concussion on First Day at Work

A burgeoning blunderbuss broker braved and bore the brunt of a bludgeoning to the brain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

A man walks into a bar.

He ends up with a concussion.

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde is in a car accident.

“I think I have a concussion,” she tells the paramedic.

The paramedic says, “OK, let’s check you out. How many fingers do I have up?”

The blonde replied, “OMG, my ass is paralyzed too?”

I've only ever had one concussion in my life.

I hope.

People keep telling me that concussions are really bad for my health.

I can safely say that after three years of playing high school football, my Brian is working just fine!

Two Men Are Lying in Hospital Beds

One with his leg in a large cast the other with a bandage on his head and his arm in a a sling

They get talking and the first man asks the second how he ending up in hospital

“Well” says the second “it’s a long story. I came home from work to find my wife in bed with another man, the ...

Two men walk into a bar

They walk away with a concussion and brain damage

A man ran into a bar.

He woke up 3 days later in the hospital with a concussion.

What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow, Russia?

A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion.

A wise man once told me that you should love with your heart and use your head for everything else

He died of a concussion

A test of sanity

The director of a psych ward suspects some patients of being completely sane. He calls for 3 suspicious patients to have them perform a simple test.

“Look, this is a steel door. If you manage to get through the key hole, you get a special prize.”

The first patient charges the d...

The only people who get more concussions than NFL players..

are their wives

World record neighbour

My neighbour has proudly informed me that he has made the world record books.. for having the most concussions ever recorded... 147.

I was happy for him, after all he is a close neighbour, only living a stones throw away...

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I walked into a bar last Saturday night

and got a concussion. . .

There was a man who was trying to do something special for his new wife for her birthday.

He cant think of anything to give her, so he reluctantly goes to his Mother-in-law for some advice. She decides to go to the mall to shop for some things together.

On their way over to the mall, they get into a bad car accident. They get t-boned on the side of the car where the Mother-in-law ...

A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.

His wife, furious, comes to hospital.

"What happened?!"

"Well, I yelled: "John, throw me the hammer!"..."

"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"

"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remember...

A guy walks into a bar

With both arms and a leg broken, a concussion and multiple wounds all over his body.
As he joins his friends at the table one of them asks:
-“Dude what happen to you?! You look terrible”
-“You’ll never believe it” he said. “See this broken leg? A bear did this!!”
“Wow, and your arms an...

Brian Blessed was flying his bi-plane over the Sahara desert when out of nowhere the engine spluttered and stop and he found himself hurtling toward the ground.

As he crawled out of the wreckage, Brian couldn't believe he had survived the crash. He checked himself for injuries, a few scratches but nothing major; no broken bones, no concussion, not even whiplash from the plane's impact with the ground. For a second he considered himself lucky. Until he looke...

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We're doing married golfer jokes now?

One day a man and his wife are golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, doglegs right around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story in knock knocks.

Sam and Jim are friends. Sam is fucked up. Sam tells Jim jokes.

Sam: "Why did Suzy fall off the swings?"

Jim: "Aw why"

Sam: "She had no arms."

Jim: "Dude wtf"


Sam: "Knock knock"

Jim: "Who's there?"

Sam: "Not Suzy."

Jim: "Not fucking funny""...

Girl, did you fall out of heaven?

Cause you're showing signs of deranged cognitive abilities in your brain highly suggestive of Post-concussion syndrome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde girl in a car crash.

Says to the paramedic, I think I have concussion! Paramedic asks,

"How many fingers have I got up?" Blonde replies,

"Oh god my Pussy's paralysed too!"

After a night of drinking, John walks into a metal bar

The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde.

He awakes at the hospital with a mild concussion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is sick of her husband...

(Prepare yourself. You'll be here for a little while)

The guy is a dedicated body builder of 14 years. He's in great shape but he barely pays any attention to his wife. She decides to go and find a better man one night.

She ends up in a nightclub and meets a good looking young Doctor. ...

An Armless Bellringer

There was once a man with no arms.
He wanted to work as a programmer, but he couldn't program. He wanted to work as a fast food worker, but he couldn't flip burgers. Finally, he settled on being a bellringer.

"Are you sure you can ring this bell? It looks like you have no arms." ...

A guy runs into a bar...

and gets a concussion.

I fell and hit my head on my drum set today...

Me: Dad, I think I have a concussion
Dad: No son, you have a PER-cussion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A firefighter, a Native American, and a soldier are in a plane...

...flying over the US. They aren't up very high and so the windows are open (ignore the unscientific logic of this, it's a joke). They've been in there quite some time, and the firefighter starts getting bored. He pulls out his extra hat and drops it out the window just to see what will happen.
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.