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Contagious Jokes

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

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Little Johnny: Contagious

The teacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence, and see's only one hand go up, yes the dreaded Little Johnny, Knowing full well she is about to be burned yet again by this little shit. She sighs and tells him to go ahead.

With a glint in his eye, Little johnny proceeds:...

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...

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Contagious…….(Read in an Aussie accent)

Miss Hamlet is teaching the 6 year olds new words. “Contagious” she says. Can anyone use “contagious” in a sentence?

Mary puts up her hand and says “the corona virus is very contagious!”
“Well done” says miss Hamlet, “next?”

Timmy put his hand up and shouts “chicken pox are contagi...

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I don't know why people think homosexuality is contagious

If it was I'd definitely have caught it by now, after having sex with so many men

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under th...

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Contagious

Once upon a time a teacher in a little school in South Virginia gave her 2nd grade students a small homework assignment. It was to listen for the word contagious and share the story with the class the next day.

The next day the teacher asked "so did anyone hear the word contagious?" A few han...

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

A teacher asks her class to use the word Contagious in a sentence...

Harry says: 'At the End of WW1 there was the spanish flu & it was very contagious'

'That's right', said the teacher



Jessica stands up & says: 'In Europe during the middle ages there was the bubonic plague & it was highly contagious'


'Well Done' notes th...

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Little Johnny uses the word Contagious in a sentence.

A teacher gives her kids an assignment. Use the word contagious in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow.
The next day all the kids are raising their hand.
The teacher calls on little Susie.
Little Susie, my little brother has the flue and if he sneezes on me I wi...

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I need me a girl with a contagious laugh...

So when she looks at my dick, I can laugh too.

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

Some guy told me some jokes about contagious diseases

But I didn’t get any of them.

The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".

"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"

Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.

"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it too...

How contagious?

A middle aged father was in the bathroom one morning shaving before work, when his teenage daughter passed by the doorway, she came back a moment later and asked her father " dad I've got a very serious question for you" "ok" he replies go ahead, she then sheepishly asks, " um how contagious is herp...

Little johnny is asked to use the word contagious in a sentence.

My dad was watching my mom cut the grass out the front window.
He was yelling, at the rate she's cutting the grass, It's going to take that contagious.

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

I asked one of my students to use the word contagious in a sentence...

He said: “trump should have reacted quicker to the COVID-19 pandemic, but it took the contagious”

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagiou...

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

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Little Johnny is sitting in school and the teacher starts teaching the class about coronavirus.

She says “It’s important to know that coronavirus is very contagious”. One of the students puts up his hand and asks what contagious means. The teacher says ”Try to work it out from another example. Who knows a sentence with the word contagious?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teac...

All these contagious people make me sick!

(trying to make sure I follow the rules, I just think it works better as a one liner)

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Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

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Ms Murphy, a first grade Irish teacher, was teaching her students vocabulary, and the word of the day was "contagious" ...

(For best effect, read dialogue in an Irish accent)

So she asked her class if anyone has heard the word used in a sentence before, and two students raised their hands, Billy O'Shea and Patrick Reilly. She called on her top student, Billy O'Shea, and asked Billy to use it in a sentence.
...

The grade three teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence and little johnny put's up his hand...

"Yes Johnny?"

"Well miss, my dad actually used that word on the weekend. We were driving out in the countryside when we got stuck behind a pumpkin truck full of pumpkins. When my dad tried to pass him he sped up, so when we got to a roadside diner we stopped for lunch.

"Later on, we fo...

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

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A long time...

A school class was given the homework over the weekend to learn about the word contagious.

Come Monday the teacher calls on little Becky to stand in front of the class and use the word contagious in a sentence.

"My Daddy is a Biomedical Engineer and says that Covid-19 is a contagious d...

Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.

Me: Is it contagious?

Doctor: Is what contagious?

Talk to your kids.

Taking to your kids about what is going on is very important, so I had a talk with mine about the coronavirus.
Dad: Have you heard about the coronavirus?
Child: Yeah, I have, but I'm not contagious.
Dad: Do you know what that means?
Child: Of course I do.
Dad: Explain it to me then. ...

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Little Johnny Joke

Every day, Little Johnny’s teacher came into school with a word of the day for the class to learn. On this particular morning the word of the day was contagious.

Teacher: Does anyone know how to use the word contagious in a sentence? (Only little Johnny raised his hand)

Teacher: Anyon...

“I’m sorry,” the doctor says, “you have rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “Will that cure me?” the patient asks.

“Well, no,” the doctor replies, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”

Wrote my 2022 New Years Day Goals

My top goal this year. Stay negative everyday.

If I don't, 5-10 day isolation for being positive.

It's kinda harsh but it will be very contagious and catchy.

You might say, It'll go viral.

Did you know...?

Did you know that being gullible is contagious?

Little Johnny Back At It

Little Johnny is in class, and they are working in vocabulary.

Miss Jones asks the class "Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?"

Little Mary shoots her hand up in the air, as does Little Johnny. Miss Jones has heard a lot of jokes, so of course she calls Little Mary first...

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Little Tommy is sitting in class whilst the teacher is going over vocabulary words....

She asks the class to use a word in a sentence. The teacher says the word is "contagious."

Now Tommy, an Aussie, is waving his arm up and down, and no other students have their arm up. The teacher figures there is no way Little Tommy can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his...

COVID-19:

The only time when laughter is contagious

Read it in an Irish accent for full effect !?

Teacher asks her class to give her a sentence containing the word CONTAGIOUS ! Little Mary says, " my mum has flu and it is very contagious " ! "Very good" says the teacher, " what's your sentence Patrick " ? "The Black Plague killed thousands of people because it was contagious " ! " Excellent " sa...

I told my doctor that my wife gave me bulimia.

He said, "Impossible! Bulimia isn't contagious."

I said, "Are you sure, Doc? Because every time I eat her cooking, I throw up."

Looks like the old adage is true.....

Hope really is contagious.

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Dominic Cummings is a very slow driver...

He drove 260 miles and it took the contagious.

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A teacher is talking to her kids about covid 19.

She asks them if anyone can explain what germs are? Little Susie speaks up and says they're like little bugs that you can catch from other people that can make you sick.


The teacher says, that's perfect. Now can anyone tell me why we should wash our hands? Little Timmy excitedly raises...

At a small country school in Ireland...

A grammar teacher writes the weeks new vocabulary words on the chalkboard. The first word she writes is "contagious" she then turns to the class and ask if anybody has heard of this word before. From the front row Timmy O'Toole sticks up his hand and says "Ay miss I've heard that word before! Me f...

My wife told me today that she's suffering of depression.

I said "I think it's contagious because whenever I'm around you I wanna kill myself too."

They made a measles joke at work today and soon everyone laughed...

It was contagious.

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

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Put this word in a sentence....

A class of 8 year olds in Dublin are working on their English sentence construction. Teacher asks them to put various words in sentences getting harder and harder as they go on. Dublin being Dublin, she's getting lots of smart-arsed, funny (but correct) answers. Eventually she gets to the 10 letter...

I once joked about Ebola. Everyone started laughing.

It was contagious.

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A man tells the doctor he gets an erection everytime he poops.

The doctor says that's very unusual I'll have to observe this to get a better understanding. The man goes to the toilet and starts pooping. The doctor looks down at himself and says oh no it's contagious.

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Johnny was called out by his teacher

to use the word contagious in a sentence. Standing up at his desk he paused and finally said, "my Dad was standing at the front window of the house watching my Mom shovel the snow and said ""it'll take that cunt ages to shovel the driveway"".

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Ian's struggling with his vocabulary, so his teacher gives him a word each morning to use in a sentence.

Today, due to Ian's steady improvement the teacher decides to up the game. "Ian the word i have for you today is contagious, you have until the end of the day." Five minutes before final bell the teacher calls Ian in front of the class. Ian struts up confidently. "Well miss, I didn't even need the w...

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A man visits the doctor for a checkup.

"Your vitals look fine," he said. "But it looks like your sperm count is a bit low. Have you felt any changes in sexual desire or had difficulty in bed?"

"Now that you mention it, the last few times I've had an orgasm, I've felt like my entire testicle was being sucked through my dick!"
...

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

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The Illness

A man returned from a business trip to Dubai feeling nauseous and looking ghastly. He rushed to the ER and was immediately put through some medical tests.


After a few days of experiencing excruciating pain throughout his body, the doctor walks into the room holding his medical report.
...

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

John and Susie just got married.

John and Susie just got married and are spending their honeymoon at a beautiful resort on a fishing lake. For the first 3 days of their getaway, John is spotted by the groundskeeper, fishing all day long. Finally, the groundskeeper decides to approach him.




"Hey there son, I recko...

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