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Antibiotics Jokes

Teacher: What is the opposite of antibiotic

Student: Uncle-biotic

I was really bummed out about being prescribed antibiotics...

Until I realized this is closest I’ll ever get to being a fungi

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets..

..It’s never going viral.

Doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to start taking after my first dinner, I however took them before...

So I could take on the bacteria by surprise.

What present can you give to the woman who has everything?

Antibiotics.

When the apocalypse starts, it's good to know that:

The meat of vegans comes from free-range farms fed a purely plant-based diet and is therefore completely free of various industrial antibiotics and growth hormones.

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

Mongolian VD

A man goes to the doctor and says "I just got back from South-East Asia and I seem to have picked up something". So the doctor says "let's take a look" and the patient drops trou and his pride and joy has turned a sickly green with vibrant purple spots on.

"Oh my," says the doctor, "up to now...

Man sends to his sister who lives abroad

"Your favorite cat died"
She replied: "WTF man, this took me by surprise, you should've prepared me for such tragic news"
-and how on earth would I do that?
-first you tell me the cat went outside to play, the next day you say the weather has been freezing these few days, I wo...

A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold.

His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in ...

What's the difference

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys some antibiotics, pays $25.45, walks out. A second later, the pharmacist bolts out of the pharmacy, catches up with the man, and breathlessly says: "sir, there's been a mistake! Instead of the antibiotics, I gave you Cyanide. " The man asks: "and what's the differen...

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A man wakes up one morning to a rash on his .

He is alarmed and takes some at home remedies, but wouldn’t you know it, nothing works.

After a few days the rash remains and he starts to panic. His wife will be returning from an outing with her girlfriends and is a very jealous woman, so the man rushes to the doctor.

Doc you gotta h...

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Vacation Blues

I had returned from my vacation trip to China during which I spent an evening with a most interesting young lady.
One morning about a week later I felt the most excruciating pain coming from my .

Upon inspection I discovered to my horror that my had turned blue and green.
...

The Doctor and The Veterinarian

Two lifelong friends, a doctor and a vet, are in a bar. Over the course of a few drinks the topic of conversation moves to work.

"You are lucky" says the vet "Your patients come in and tell you what is wrong with them. It would make treating them so much simpler"
"Ah" retorts the doctor "...

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There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...

Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred...
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