They said we should’ve seen the pandemic coming.

Hindsight is 2020

How many cities does it take to start a global pandemic?

Only Wuhan.

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

New Pandemic Virus

Scientists are now concerned about a new virus which could become the next pandemic, which they have called the "peekaboo" virus. Patient who get the Peekaboo virus are put in ICU.

What do you call a filmmaker who likes to go camping during the pandemic?

Tentin' Quarantino

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

Viruses mutate over time. Take Covid, for example.

It started out as a pandemic. Now it's an IQ test.

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

random pandemic question

According to history class, they organized wild orgies in the Middle Ages after the victory over the Plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, "throw this and wherever it lands - that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends."

Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

This pandemic has gone on for so long...

This pandemic has gone on for so long, that commercials are going to have to start saying “In these precedented times.”

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

Yo mamma so ugly

The CDC recommends she continue to wear a mask after the pandemic is over.

Halloween might be the safest day in this pandemic....

Americans will finally be wearing masks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic

I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!

Please stand up and be recognized.

Jeffery Dahmer is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:

"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "

"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

Working at a gas station, I never knew I was an "essential working until the pandemic started

I guess nobody cared who I was until I put on the mask.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irishman Without A Job

My uncle is an old Irishman and retired sheriff for the county. To pass the time during retirement, Uncle Bob has been working with a staffing organization for years. It’s an Irish organization that helps people of Irish descent find work.

One day, Bob gets a call from a young man named Geral...

I was going to tell a joke about the pandemic...

But I have a negative feeling about it.

So many people are out on the street protesting Covid restrictions are calling themselves survivors of totalitarianism, but no one is talking about the real survivor of the pandemic:

Our livers!

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

A remix of a classic

A fellow was ~~stuck on his rooftop in a flood~~ going about his regular business in the middle of a pandemic. He was praying to God ~~for help~~ to keep him safe.

Soon a man ~~in a rowboat~~ with a Pfizer vaccine came by and the fellow shouted to the man, "~~Jump in~~Roll up your sleeve, I c...

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

Disney Theme Parks reopened in the midst of this global pandemic....

in an attempt to make it a small world after all.

Yo momma so ugly...

We’re gonna lie to her that the pandemic isn’t over so she can keep her mask on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex since this pandemic started

I wish I could say the same for my wife.

I've become much more attractive during the pandemic

My gravity increased.

TIL that the leaning tower of Pisa collapsed after 848 years.

After an official investigation it was discovered not enough tourists have been holding it up since the start of the pandemic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

What are the most popular jokes during the pandemic?

Inside jokes.

You know what the least popular are?

Knock Knock jokes.

One thing got a lot easier during this pandemic

ventriloquism.

What was 2020's most popular board game?

Pandemic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

It's going to be hard after pandemic...

... to return from work and tell your kids, that you're tired. They're gonna be like "We've seen how you work from home. You're not tired".

I know the pandemic is causing people to struggle financially, but honestly, I'm making a fortune.

I rent out bookcases to be installed behind everyone doing a TV interview about either Covid or the Impeachment process.

My pandemic no-shaving challenge is going great! I haven't shaved before work in months!

I also haven't worked in months.

I got arrested for asking around for advice on money laundering

I don’t get it.

During this COVID-19 pandemic, I thought the least I could do to stay safe was to disinfect my money.

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

This pandemic has given a whole generation the time to work on their hobbies, and become very skillful at them...

... to bad these hobbies consist mostly of drinking.

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

During this pandemic, I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

They say good things come to those who wait...

...apparently not to those restaurant employees during a pandemic lockdown

How did Harry Potter travel during the pandemic ?

“ flue” powder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: "Doctor doctor, the Covid pandemic has made my dick go orange..."

Doctor: "That's strange, can you tell me about your daily routine?"

Me: "Well we've been stuck in the house so I've been pretty much just watching porn and eating Cheetos"

I took a class about spiders

thanks to the pandemic, it was on the web

Thanks to the pandemic, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up this Christmas...

None of them is Happy.

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

With the news about Johnny Depp and Aquaman 2, there's a sign the pandemic is almost over.

They've reached Heard immunity.

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?

I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many boomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. But that won't stop them from bringing four of their friends, even though we're in a fucking pandemic.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie. The director wants to sprinkle white laundry soap flakes in front of the camera to simulate snowfall, so he sends his producer to the grocery store to buy some laundry soap.

The producer comes back several hours later. "It's the pandemic, ...

During the pandemic governments have told people to work from home.

So if you're a dominatrix you must press ctrl + U.

My friend suddenly became interested in golf during the pandemic lockdown

He kept saying that he wanted to see the US Open

I came up with a pandemic joke...

But I don't want to share it with others

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus pandemic

but when I got to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required

Grandad wants to go to church like has had done all his life but can't due to the pandemic...

...so his granddaughter decides to introduce him to the world of technology with live broadcasts of sermons he can watch on the laptop safely. It works wonderfully! He happily listens and sings along just as before.

But after many sermons he begins to develop aches in his arm from constantly...

My new and 100% original (and truly terrible) COVID pirate joke...

How did the pirates manage to avoid the pandemic?

They cove-hid.

In 2 years we’re going to have another devastating pandemic.

Because in 2 years, it’s going to be 2020 too.

During this pandemic be sure to avoid postal workers...

They’re all couriers.

The 12 Days of Corona

In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 Murder Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery S...

Guess history repeats itself!

We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

Thanks to support from the Internet, I no longer have those nameless fears that have haunted me since the pandemic began.

Instead, I'm haunted by fears with names: acrophobia, enochlocophobia, mysophobia...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

What happens when everyone gets together at Thanksgiving during the pandemic?

You get the coronacopia.

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the toilet paper shortage of the pandemic I found out a way to massively save money on toilet paper

Firstly I bought a bidet add-on kit for my toilet. But the biggest impact on my toilet paper usage has been that I just quit giving a shit.

Back when the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my suitcase that my travel plans were cancelled.

Since then, I've constantly had to deal with emotional baggage.

Why did so many Republicans vote for Joe Biden this year? (TW: Political, bad taste)

If you’re red, and you fail to take care of your voters during a respiratory virus pandemic...they turn blue.

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane during the pandemic...

Bush says, "I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies, "I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says, "Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 peopl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.

This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.

The Altoids Corporation teamed up with the makers of Tic-Tacs and Listerene Breath Strips and made this virus in a lab in Wu-Tang so that all the rest of us would be forced to smell our own stank-ass breath and buy millions of dollars worth of mints.
...

Please stop making jokes about COVID! I lost both my parents in law due do this pandemic.

My wife divorced me after i spend our holiday budget on a PS5 and a collection of NERF guns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They need the money.

Two poor friends can't get jobs during the pandemic. They got fired from a lumber yard during layoffs. They decide they should join the armed forces. The Air Force pays the most so the both go to the recruiting office the next day. The first guy goes in and the recruiter asks him what his former job...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic

Without all those tourists helping hold it up.

My girlfriend and I have been practicing social distancing since the start of the pandemic.

She calls it a restraining order for some weird reason.

What happens when you do nothing about a respiratory pandemic?

Your followers turn blue.

What's the one thing this pandemic can do for me that all my failed love interests never could?

Leave me breathless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...

...so it would cut itself.

I am sick of this pandemic and the 2 meter distancing.

I can't wait until its over so I can go back to my usual 15 meter distancing.

Why shouldn't you play pokemon in the middle of multiple virus pandemics?

You might catch 'em all

What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic?

Mask-era.

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

The pandemic has its ups and downs

I believe the CDC refers to these as *spikes*

I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic

It’s called the Plaguestation 5

Disney is updating a children's classic with a pandemic theme...

... it's called "The Never Ending Story"

This is the first time I can't go on vacation around the world because of the pandemic.

Usually it's because I just can't afford it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pre-pandemic joke

It's 8.30 am. Mom goes up to son's room and see his son is still in bed

M: Get up! Get up! Why are you still in bed? You have to go to school

S: But mom, I hate school! The teachers hate me and the kids are talking behind my back

M: Son, you really have to go to school right no...

I heard this on the radio earlier today

Dr Fauci allegedly said that after the pandemic is over and done with we will have to wear masks for 2 months on the back of our heads so our ears will return to normal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

Our church minister is still banging parishioners despite the pandemic...

Guess he never heard the commandment, "Thou shalt not covid they neighbor's wife".

You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

What do you call an orgy during a pandemic?

A super spreader event.

When trump was asked if he had handled the pandemic properly, he said

I’m positive

London Zoo has put all it's animals into lockdown during the pandemic. There's only one dog on display.

It's a shih tzu.

A man and a Dog, and the extremely unusual funeral...

A man and his wife are walking down the town main street. They are arguing, as they always do, about the efficiency of wearing masks during the pandemic.

However, they have to stop because of a funeral procession that is actively going on. The procession was extremely unusual... Everyone is w...

The W.H.O. have just put an eminent German Doctor in charge of their pandemic response..

He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics?

Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self.

I'm surprised the pandemic has lasted this long.

I thought trump trusted doctors to fix his mistakes before they hit 9 months

Trump Masks!

When the pandemic started I seen an opportunity! I combined the upcoming need for mask with a large political base and mass produced 600,000 Trump Masks! I have not sold any though, what am I doing wrong?

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

My orthodontist warned me to expect disruption to his services, owing to the coronavirus pandemic.

“Brace yourself”, he said.

This morning my wife asked me whether I had any dark stuff

And I admitted that between the pandemic and the Trump administration I’ve been feeling a paralyzing mix of anxiety and depression. Then she said “No, I’m putting a load of laundry in.”

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

If a group of crows is called a 'murder', and two crows are an 'attempted murder', what do you call eighteen crows?

Pretty close to a pandemic in 2020.




(Corvid-18! Geddit Reddit?)

Yeah-yeah I made it up, not sorry... yet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so tired of women making we wear a mask during sex

And now with this pandemic I have to keep it on after, too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

More of us guys are unemployed as a result of the pandemic, but we're getting fucked over worse

I mean, damn, we're losing $1.00 for every .77 cents women lose.

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the crisis called when the world runs out of peanut butter?

A Peter Pandemic

Trump was asked if he's certain he's got the pandemic situation under control

His response: "I'm positive"

I hope this pandemic is over before tick season starts...

Then it’ll be corona and lyme.

Why is spider-man the most relatable superhero?

cause if he misses one paycheck his life is over.

>!He's probably not holding up during the pandemic.!<

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

Bill Gates said the pandemic won’t be over until the end of 2021

And he has a lot of Intel

We shouldn't make fun of Americans for how they are handling the pandemic

In these hard times, they are trying their best to bring some positivity to the world

Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic...

...available for curbside pickup.

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn’t wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

Right before the pandemic I was visiting Las Vegas.

Walking out of a casino one night, a frazzled looking dude comes up to me and commences with a sob story.

“Hey Mr. sorry to bother you but my wife and kids are in our hotel room, and I’ve got no money for food or gas for us to get out of town and go home. Any chance you could spare 50 bucks...

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