Pandemic Jokes - 122 Hilarious Pandemic Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane during the pandemic...

Bush says, "I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies, "I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says, "Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 peopl...

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

They said we should’ve seen the pandemic coming.

Hindsight is 2020

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

New Pandemic Virus

Scientists are now concerned about a new virus which could become the next pandemic, which they have called the "peekaboo" virus. Patient who get the Peekaboo virus are put in ICU.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic…

…they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.

She's an essential oil worker now.

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Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!

Only 25 looters per store please.

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Pre-pandemic joke

It's 8.30 am. Mom goes up to son's room and see his son is still in bed

M: Get up! Get up! Why are you still in bed? You have to go to school

S: But mom, I hate school! The teachers hate me and the kids are talking behind my back

M: Son, you really have to go to school right no...

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.

Who declared Corona as a pandemic??

This is the first time in

english literature question

and answer both are same

Q:Who declared Corona

as a pandemic?

A: WHO declared Corona

as a pandemic.

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

random pandemic question

According to history class, they organized wild orgies in the Middle Ages after the victory over the Plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.

When covid and the pandemic started, us introverts became hipsters.

We were social distancing before it was cool.

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During the pandemic, I was using hand sanitizer at least five times a day.

But then my dick turned so red that I had to switch back to lotion.

During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

I hate it when people ask me what the beginning of the pandemic was like.

I don't have 2020 vision.

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

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Just got back from the farm supply store. The price of manure has almost tripled since the beginning of the pandemic.

Shit's getting expensive.

Pandemic fun

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn’t wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

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Covid pandemic now is like Nicolas Cage career

It continues, but nobody gives a shit

Hookers were prepared for the pandemic

because they’ve always offered curbside pickup.

You order one home delivered pizza because of the pandemic!

And you love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

Stay safe!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a prostitute if her livelihood was affected by the pandemic.

"Same as usual." she said. "The clients, they come and go."

With so many people looking back at what they would have done before the pandemic…

…I guess hindsight really IS 2020

What do you call an orgy during a pandemic?

A super spreader event.

I just realized this entire pandemic has been a reverse of Bane.

“Nobody cared who I was until I didn’t put on the mask.”

I hate this pandemic

If I wanted to waste my early 20s, I would have gotten married.

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The pandemic nobody’s talking about...

...the bitching!

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

I've become much more attractive during the pandemic

My gravity increased.

I came up with a pandemic joke...

But I don't want to share it with others

How many cities does it take to start a global pandemic?

Only Wuhan.

Who declared COVID-19 as a pandemic?

WHO declared COVID-19 as a pandemic.

One thing got a lot easier during this pandemic

ventriloquism.

We’re in a global pandemic?

Says who?

It's going to be hard after pandemic...

... to return from work and tell your kids, that you're tired. They're gonna be like "We've seen how you work from home. You're not tired".

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This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.

This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.

The Altoids Corporation teamed up with the makers of Tic-Tacs and Listerene Breath Strips and made this virus in a lab in Wu-Tang so that all the rest of us would be forced to smell our own stank-ass breath and buy millions of dollars worth of mints.
...

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I haven't had sex since this pandemic started

I wish I could say the same for my wife.

I was going to tell a joke about the pandemic...

But I have a negative feeling about it.

It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic.

Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.

What are the most popular jokes during the pandemic?

Inside jokes.

You know what the least popular are?

Knock Knock jokes.

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

Halloween might be the safest day in this pandemic....

Americans will finally be wearing masks

This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic.

Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.

While the pandemic is going on

Villagers in Punjab are still wondering who the hell is Soshal Disdan Singh

What do you call a filmmaker who likes to go camping during the pandemic?

Tentin' Quarantino

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Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing h...

Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic...

...available for curbside pickup.

America has defeated the pandemic.

By making it an endemic.

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Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms...

I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?

I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This COVID 19 pandemic isn’t just mad...

It’s batshit crazy.

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What's the unsexiest thing about corona pandemic?

Everyone is in for flattening the curves

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

The worst thing about the pandemic...

...is that I can’t find an unbiased review of bat soup.

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: "Doctor doctor, the Covid pandemic has made my dick go orange..."

Doctor: "That's strange, can you tell me about your daily routine?"

Me: "Well we've been stuck in the house so I've been pretty much just watching porn and eating Cheetos"

I hope this Pandemic never ends

I've been getting so many more dates recently with this mask.

I hope this pandemic is over before tick season starts...

Then it’ll be corona and lyme.

In the early 2000s I predicted a global pandemic would happen in 2018

but hindsight is 2020.

If we have another pandemic in 2 years,

They should call it Catch-22.

On the plus side to this whole pandemic

I haven’t heard of any school shootings this year

How did Harry Potter travel during the pandemic ?

“ flue” powder

Due to the pandemic, economic crisis and layoffs,

a picture only speaks 500 words now.

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

During this pandemic be sure to avoid postal workers...

They’re all couriers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic, I had to drop out of my marksmanship class.

I'm going to miss everyone.

Given there's a pandemic. Knock knock!

W.H.O.'s there?

Unfortunately not.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

Locksmiths still have to do their jobs, despite the current pandemic

They are key workers, after all.

Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics?

Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a result of the ongoing pandemic, my sexual orientation has changed.

I am now homesexual.

Pandemic has led to another type of shortage:

Social skills

The KKK are thriving in this pandemic

For now wandering around with your face covered yelling 'Go home!' is the right thing to do.

How does the pandemic affect the rental car industry?

It Hertz.

i made a video about the pandemic

But i am afraid to release it because it might go viral.

When does a pandemic turn into a plague?

When it hits Florida.

Redditors will save the world from the corona pandemic.

They are experts in applied social distancing.

How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?

One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.

My friend suddenly became interested in golf during the pandemic lockdown

He kept saying that he wanted to see the US Open

During the pandemic governments have told people to work from home.

So if you're a dominatrix you must press ctrl + U.

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

Why don't international pandemics begin in the US?

They do, but we prefer to release them in China.

What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic?

Mask-era.

Disney is updating a children's classic with a pandemic theme...

... it's called "The Never Ending Story"

Doctor, when is the coronavirus pandemic going to end?

I don't know, I'm not that into politics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally got to go to the dentist for the first time since the pandemic started…

The doctor was shocked at how clean my teeth were but said my breath smelled like shit and he couldn’t figure out why.

He asked if I’d been brushing regularly and I said yes.

He asked if I flossed regularly and I said as much as I normally do.

He asked if I changed my diet an...

What did the Eggs Benedict say during the Covid 19 pandemic?

We’re Hollandaise together.

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

In a year or two we are going to look back at this pandemic and laugh...

Obviously not all of us.

I've heard common sense has been lacking during the pandemic.

So I only tip in pennies now.

I'm surprised the pandemic has lasted this long.

I thought trump trusted doctors to fix his mistakes before they hit 9 months

Right before the pandemic I was visiting Las Vegas.

Walking out of a casino one night, a frazzled looking dude comes up to me and commences with a sob story.

“Hey Mr. sorry to bother you but my wife and kids are in our hotel room, and I’ve got no money for food or gas for us to get out of town and go home. Any chance you could spare 50 bucks...

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

what do you call an artist during a global pandemic?

Vincent Van Cough

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call strippers who work during a pandemic?

Essential twerkers.

I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic

Without all those tourists helping hold it up.

Even though we live through a pandemic at the moment, it is literally impossible for me to become bedridden!

I just cant afford one.

I found out why Germany is handling the pandemic so well.

They wash their Hans.

After this Covid Pandemic I told myself I really need to stop drinking..

But I dont take advice from a drunk.

I lost 1kg on the first day of the pandemic

Coincidentally, my toilet's clogged.

We shouldn't make fun of Americans for how they are handling the pandemic

In these hard times, they are trying their best to bring some positivity to the world

You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic

Without dem, it would be a panic.

What did the sign outside the brothel say during the coronavirus pandemic?

Beat it! We’re closed

I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic

It’s called the Plaguestation 5

What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic?

Mask-ara

Trump was asked if he's certain he's got the pandemic situation under control

His response: "I'm positive"

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