UPJOKE
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What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

They said we should’ve seen the pandemic coming.

Hindsight is 2020

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane during the pandemic...

Bush says, "I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies, "I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says, "Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 peopl...

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I asked a prostitute if her livelihood was affected by the pandemic.

"Same as usual." she said. "The clients, they come and go."

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic…

…they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.

It's her day 5 behind the fridge.

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order

They will now be known as Knockers

Who declared Corona as a pandemic??

This is the first time in

english literature question

and answer both are same

Q:Who declared Corona

as a pandemic?

A: WHO declared Corona

as a pandemic.

You order one home delivered pizza because of the pandemic!

And you love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

Stay safe!

I hate it when people ask me what the beginning of the pandemic was like.

I don't have 2020 vision.

Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

How many cities does it take to start a global pandemic?

Only Wuhan.

New Pandemic Virus

Scientists are now concerned about a new virus which could become the next pandemic, which they have called the "peekaboo" virus. Patient who get the Peekaboo virus are put in ICU.

What do you call a filmmaker who likes to go camping during the pandemic?

Tentin' Quarantino

My Friend Had Twins Over the Pandemic

I ran into her for the first time in ages and asked how the little ones were doing. She said Amal and Juan were just fine and were growing like weeds.

I asked to see a picture of them and she showed me a single baby on her phone.

“Aren’t there two of them?” I asked.

She replied:...

Even though we live through a pandemic at the moment, it is literally impossible for me to become bedridden!

I just cant afford one.

I just realized this entire pandemic has been a reverse of Bane.

“Nobody cared who I was until I didn’t put on the mask.”

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

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Covid pandemic now is like Nicolas Cage career

It continues, but nobody gives a shit

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I finally got to go to the dentist for the first time since the pandemic started…

The doctor was shocked at how clean my teeth were but said my breath smelled like shit and he couldn’t figure out why.

He asked if I’d been brushing regularly and I said yes.

He asked if I flossed regularly and I said as much as I normally do.

He asked if I changed my diet an...

In the early 2000s I predicted a global pandemic would happen in 2018

but hindsight is 2020.

random pandemic question

According to history class, they organized wild orgies in the Middle Ages after the victory over the Plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.

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Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

Retail job interview (2012): Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

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Mildred, bingo, and Buzzy the parrot

During the pandemic, Mildred, a widow for twenty years, was worried she had to give up her weekly bingo game down at Saint Mary’s community hall. Fortunately, the church found a way to take the game online using Zoom. (After all, bingo was a nice source of revenue.) Just as important, she had Buzzy,...

I was going to tell a joke about the pandemic...

But I have a negative feeling about it.

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

Joe Biden, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson had a near death experience together.

They met God and his closest angels, who told them that their time wasn’t up yet but that each of them could ask one question.

Biden went first. He asked "God, when will the Coronavirus pandemic end?" God made a sign to his angels. They went away and after 30 seconds they came back and whisp...

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!

Only 25 looters per store please.

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus pandemic

but when I got to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.

She's an essential oil worker now.

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...

Halloween might be the safest day in this pandemic....

Americans will finally be wearing masks

So many people are out on the street protesting Covid restrictions are calling themselves survivors of totalitarianism, but no one is talking about the real survivor of the pandemic:

Our livers!

What do you call an orgy during a pandemic?

A super spreader event.

What are the most popular jokes during the pandemic?

Inside jokes.

You know what the least popular are?

Knock Knock jokes.

During this pandemic, I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

Working at a gas station, I never knew I was an "essential working until the pandemic started

I guess nobody cared who I was until I put on the mask.

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

I've become much more attractive during the pandemic

My gravity increased.

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

One thing got a lot easier during this pandemic

ventriloquism.

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Me: "Doctor doctor, the Covid pandemic has made my dick go orange..."

Doctor: "That's strange, can you tell me about your daily routine?"

Me: "Well we've been stuck in the house so I've been pretty much just watching porn and eating Cheetos"

Thanks to the pandemic, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up this Christmas...

None of them is Happy.

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic.

They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.

Apparently the government has several models to forecast how the pandemic will play out

They should use scientists instead - they're not as pretty but they know a lot more.

It's going to be hard after pandemic...

... to return from work and tell your kids, that you're tired. They're gonna be like "We've seen how you work from home. You're not tired".

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I haven't had sex since this pandemic started

I wish I could say the same for my wife.

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Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

This pandemic has given a whole generation the time to work on their hobbies, and become very skillful at them...

... to bad these hobbies consist mostly of drinking.

It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic.

Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.

I came up with a pandemic joke...

But I don't want to share it with others

You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

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This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...

...so it would cut itself.

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

Hookers were prepared for the pandemic

because they’ve always offered curbside pickup.

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic.

Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.

I know the pandemic is causing people to struggle financially, but honestly, I'm making a fortune.

I rent out bookcases to be installed behind everyone doing a TV interview about either Covid or the Impeachment process.

I completely support people's choice to not wear masks and gather in large groups during a pandemic.

So would Darwin.

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?

I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

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During the toilet paper shortage of the pandemic I found out a way to massively save money on toilet paper

Firstly I bought a bidet add-on kit for my toilet. But the biggest impact on my toilet paper usage has been that I just quit giving a shit.

In a year or two we are going to look back at this pandemic and laugh...

Obviously not all of us.

My friend suddenly became interested in golf during the pandemic lockdown

He kept saying that he wanted to see the US Open

My girlfriend and I have been practicing social distancing since the start of the pandemic.

She calls it a restraining order for some weird reason.

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This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.

This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.

The Altoids Corporation teamed up with the makers of Tic-Tacs and Listerene Breath Strips and made this virus in a lab in Wu-Tang so that all the rest of us would be forced to smell our own stank-ass breath and buy millions of dollars worth of mints.
...

I hope this pandemic is over before tick season starts...

Then it’ll be corona and lyme.

Please stop making jokes about COVID! I lost both my parents in law due do this pandemic.

My wife divorced me after i spend our holiday budget on a PS5 and a collection of NERF guns

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic...

...available for curbside pickup.

How did Harry Potter travel during the pandemic ?

“ flue” powder

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

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As a result of the ongoing pandemic, my sexual orientation has changed.

I am now homesexual.

What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic?

Mask-era.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic, I had to drop out of my marksmanship class.

I'm going to miss everyone.

During the pandemic governments have told people to work from home.

So if you're a dominatrix you must press ctrl + U.

Back when the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my suitcase that my travel plans were cancelled.

Since then, I've constantly had to deal with emotional baggage.

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Pre-pandemic joke

It's 8.30 am. Mom goes up to son's room and see his son is still in bed

M: Get up! Get up! Why are you still in bed? You have to go to school

S: But mom, I hate school! The teachers hate me and the kids are talking behind my back

M: Son, you really have to go to school right no...

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

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Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic

Without all those tourists helping hold it up.

Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics?

Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self.

We shouldn't make fun of Americans for how they are handling the pandemic

In these hard times, they are trying their best to bring some positivity to the world

I told my family I would cut my hair at the end of the pandemic, but I'm having second thoughts...

It's growing on me.

Locksmiths still have to do their jobs, despite the current pandemic

They are key workers, after all.

Who declared COVID-19 as a pandemic?

WHO declared COVID-19 as a pandemic.

This is the first time I can't go on vacation around the world because of the pandemic.

Usually it's because I just can't afford it.

Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic

He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95

Our church minister is still banging parishioners despite the pandemic...

Guess he never heard the commandment, "Thou shalt not covid they neighbor's wife".

We’re in a global pandemic?

Says who?

Pandemic fun

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

During this pandemic be sure to avoid postal workers...

They’re all couriers.

I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic

It’s called the Plaguestation 5

Disney is updating a children's classic with a pandemic theme...

... it's called "The Never Ending Story"

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

Why shouldn't you play pokemon in the middle of multiple virus pandemics?

You might catch 'em all

After this Covid Pandemic I told myself I really need to stop drinking..

But I dont take advice from a drunk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This COVID 19 pandemic isn’t just mad...

It’s batshit crazy.

If we have another pandemic in 2 years,

They should call it Catch-22.

If there's one thing Americans can look forward to when the pandemic ends

Is that the average IQ of the population will increase.

While the pandemic is going on

Villagers in Punjab are still wondering who the hell is Soshal Disdan Singh

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

Trump was asked if he's certain he's got the pandemic situation under control

His response: "I'm positive"

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

What did the Eggs Benedict say during the Covid 19 pandemic?

We’re Hollandaise together.

People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans.

After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

More of us guys are unemployed as a result of the pandemic, but we're getting fucked over worse

I mean, damn, we're losing $1.00 for every .77 cents women lose.

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

Who declared the coronavirus outbreak a global pandemic?

Yes.

Pandemic dating is weird. Last night I asked a girl at the grocery store for her digits ...

And she wrote down her temperature.

London Zoo has put all it's animals into lockdown during the pandemic. There's only one dog on display.

It's a shih tzu.

How does the pandemic affect the rental car industry?

It Hertz.

What did the sign outside the brothel say during the coronavirus pandemic?

Beat it! We’re closed

What do you call a director who likes to camp inside during a pandemic?

Tentin Quarentino

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

I hope this Pandemic never ends

I've been getting so many more dates recently with this mask.

How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?

One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.

My orthodontist warned me to expect disruption to his services, owing to the coronavirus pandemic.

“Brace yourself”, he said.

I hate this pandemic

If I wanted to waste my early 20s, I would have gotten married.

what do you call an artist during a global pandemic?

Vincent Van Cough

On the plus side to this whole pandemic

I haven’t heard of any school shootings this year

I'm surprised the pandemic has lasted this long.

I thought trump trusted doctors to fix his mistakes before they hit 9 months

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