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Pandemic Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane during the pandemic...

Bush says, "I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies, "I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says, "Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 peopl...

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

They said we should’ve seen the pandemic coming.

Hindsight is 2020

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just got back from the farm supply store. The price of manure has almost tripled since the beginning of the pandemic.

Shit's getting expensive.

When covid and the pandemic started, us introverts became hipsters.

We were social distancing before it was cool.

With so many people looking back at what they would have done before the pandemic…

…I guess hindsight really IS 2020

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic…

…they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.

It's her day 5 behind the fridge.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

Who declared Corona as a pandemic??

This is the first time in

english literature question

and answer both are same

Q:Who declared Corona

as a pandemic?

A: WHO declared Corona

as a pandemic.

I hate it when people ask me what the beginning of the pandemic was like.

I don't have 2020 vision.

Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

New Pandemic Virus

Scientists are now concerned about a new virus which could become the next pandemic, which they have called the "peekaboo" virus. Patient who get the Peekaboo virus are put in ICU.

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order

They will now be known as Knockers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a prostitute if her livelihood was affected by the pandemic.

"Same as usual." she said. "The clients, they come and go."

My Friend Had Twins Over the Pandemic

I ran into her for the first time in ages and asked how the little ones were doing. She said Amal and Juan were just fine and were growing like weeds.

I asked to see a picture of them and she showed me a single baby on her phone.

“Aren’t there two of them?” I asked.

She replied:...

Did you hear about the guy who went camping during the pandemic?

He was in a Tentin Quarantino!

You order one home delivered pizza because of the pandemic!

And you love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

Stay safe!

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

I just realized this entire pandemic has been a reverse of Bane.

“Nobody cared who I was until I didn’t put on the mask.”

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

Even though we live through a pandemic at the moment, it is literally impossible for me to become bedridden!

I just cant afford one.

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

How many cities does it take to start a global pandemic?

Only Wuhan.

PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!

Only 25 looters per store please.

What do you call a filmmaker who likes to go camping during the pandemic?

Tentin' Quarantino

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

random pandemic question

According to history class, they organized wild orgies in the Middle Ages after the victory over the Plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.

Hoping to get over the pandemic this year...

It's been pretty bad since the world caught covid 19 in 2019. I've been hearing rumors about the possibility of new variants all over the news. Let's hope we don't catch 22 this year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Covid pandemic now is like Nicolas Cage career

It continues, but nobody gives a shit

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.

She's an essential oil worker now.

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Space Tourism

One of the car hire companies was looking at diversification, to be able to better cope in the next pandemic.

They started getting interested in the space tourism market, currently dominated by companies such as Blue Origin, Virgin Galactic and SpaceX. They needed a hook to make them stand o...

During the pandemic I saw an old lady in the supermarket searching for toilet rolls on the empty shelves. I almost broke down, thinking about the horrific nature of humanity. I reached deep into my pocket, and there I found a toilet roll.

Then I wiped away my tears and walked off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally got to go to the dentist for the first time since the pandemic started…

The doctor was shocked at how clean my teeth were but said my breath smelled like shit and he couldn’t figure out why.

He asked if I’d been brushing regularly and I said yes.

He asked if I flossed regularly and I said as much as I normally do.

He asked if I changed my diet an...

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

Thanks to the pandemic, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up this Christmas...

None of them is Happy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: "Doctor doctor, the Covid pandemic has made my dick go orange..."

Doctor: "That's strange, can you tell me about your daily routine?"

Me: "Well we've been stuck in the house so I've been pretty much just watching porn and eating Cheetos"

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

I was going to tell a joke about the pandemic...

But I have a negative feeling about it.

What do you call an orgy during a pandemic?

A super spreader event.

In the olden days, we would often cough to cover up a fart

Post-pandemic, it's now better to cover up a cough by farting

It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic.

Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.

Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic.

They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.

One thing got a lot easier during this pandemic

ventriloquism.

In a year or two we are going to look back at this pandemic and laugh...

Obviously not all of us.

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus pandemic

but when I got to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required

Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...

...so it would cut itself.

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

Hookers were prepared for the pandemic

because they’ve always offered curbside pickup.

This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic.

Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

What are the most popular jokes during the pandemic?

Inside jokes.

You know what the least popular are?

Knock Knock jokes.

So many people are out on the street protesting Covid restrictions are calling themselves survivors of totalitarianism, but no one is talking about the real survivor of the pandemic:

Our livers!

I've become much more attractive during the pandemic

My gravity increased.

This pandemic has given a whole generation the time to work on their hobbies, and become very skillful at them...

... to bad these hobbies consist mostly of drinking.

I completely support people's choice to not wear masks and gather in large groups during a pandemic.

So would Darwin.

Halloween might be the safest day in this pandemic....

Americans will finally be wearing masks

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex since this pandemic started

I wish I could say the same for my wife.

I came up with a pandemic joke...

But I don't want to share it with others

You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic, I had to drop out of my marksmanship class.

I'm going to miss everyone.

Apparently the government has several models to forecast how the pandemic will play out

They should use scientists instead - they're not as pretty but they know a lot more.

It's going to be hard after pandemic...

... to return from work and tell your kids, that you're tired. They're gonna be like "We've seen how you work from home. You're not tired".

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a result of the ongoing pandemic, my sexual orientation has changed.

I am now homesexual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

Working at a gas station, I never knew I was an "essential working until the pandemic started

I guess nobody cared who I was until I put on the mask.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic...

...available for curbside pickup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the toilet paper shortage of the pandemic I found out a way to massively save money on toilet paper

Firstly I bought a bidet add-on kit for my toilet. But the biggest impact on my toilet paper usage has been that I just quit giving a shit.

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

I hope this pandemic is over before tick season starts...

Then it’ll be corona and lyme.

Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic

He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.

This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.

The Altoids Corporation teamed up with the makers of Tic-Tacs and Listerene Breath Strips and made this virus in a lab in Wu-Tang so that all the rest of us would be forced to smell our own stank-ass breath and buy millions of dollars worth of mints.
...

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

Locksmiths still have to do their jobs, despite the current pandemic

They are key workers, after all.

What's a better title for store greeter during the pandemic?

Bouncer!

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?

I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

Please stop making jokes about COVID! I lost both my parents in law due do this pandemic.

My wife divorced me after i spend our holiday budget on a PS5 and a collection of NERF guns

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

We shouldn't make fun of Americans for how they are handling the pandemic

In these hard times, they are trying their best to bring some positivity to the world

Dr. Anthony Fauci Proves his Manhood

It's 2020, the pandemic is raging, and the White House is not happy with what Dr. Fauci has been saying on certain news stations. The argument has devolved from being fact-based to Trump calling Fauci's manhood into question. After getting wind of what the Oval Office has been calling him, Fauci r...

I know the pandemic is causing people to struggle financially, but honestly, I'm making a fortune.

I rent out bookcases to be installed behind everyone doing a TV interview about either Covid or the Impeachment process.

I told my family I would cut my hair at the end of the pandemic, but I'm having second thoughts...

It's growing on me.

Who declared COVID-19 as a pandemic?

WHO declared COVID-19 as a pandemic.

My girlfriend and I have been practicing social distancing since the start of the pandemic.

She calls it a restraining order for some weird reason.

My friend suddenly became interested in golf during the pandemic lockdown

He kept saying that he wanted to see the US Open

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pre-pandemic joke

It's 8.30 am. Mom goes up to son's room and see his son is still in bed

M: Get up! Get up! Why are you still in bed? You have to go to school

S: But mom, I hate school! The teachers hate me and the kids are talking behind my back

M: Son, you really have to go to school right no...

We’re in a global pandemic?

Says who?

Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics?

Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self.

What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic?

Mask-era.

What will Dave Grohl say when his children start going back to school after the pandemic?

Walkin' to learn again....

After this Covid Pandemic I told myself I really need to stop drinking..

But I dont take advice from a drunk.

Pandemic fun

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pandemic nobody’s talking about...

...the bitching!

I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic

Without all those tourists helping hold it up.

During the pandemic governments have told people to work from home.

So if you're a dominatrix you must press ctrl + U.

Back when the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my suitcase that my travel plans were cancelled.

Since then, I've constantly had to deal with emotional baggage.

This is the first time I can't go on vacation around the world because of the pandemic.

Usually it's because I just can't afford it.

Trump was asked if he's certain he's got the pandemic situation under control

His response: "I'm positive"

Grandad wants to go to church like has had done all his life but can't due to the pandemic...

...so his granddaughter decides to introduce him to the world of technology with live broadcasts of sermons he can watch on the laptop safely. It works wonderfully! He happily listens and sings along just as before.

But after many sermons he begins to develop aches in his arm from constantly...

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

How did Harry Potter travel during the pandemic ?

“ flue” powder

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This COVID 19 pandemic isn’t just mad...

It’s batshit crazy.

What did the Eggs Benedict say during the Covid 19 pandemic?

We’re Hollandaise together.

Who declared the coronavirus outbreak a global pandemic?

Yes.

Pandemic dating is weird. Last night I asked a girl at the grocery store for her digits ...

And she wrote down her temperature.

I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic

It’s called the Plaguestation 5

What do you call a director who likes to camp inside during a pandemic?

Tentin Quarentino

During this pandemic be sure to avoid postal workers...

They’re all couriers.

People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans.

After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.

While the pandemic is going on

Villagers in Punjab are still wondering who the hell is Soshal Disdan Singh

With the news about Johnny Depp and Aquaman 2, there's a sign the pandemic is almost over.

They've reached Heard immunity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

More of us guys are unemployed as a result of the pandemic, but we're getting fucked over worse

I mean, damn, we're losing $1.00 for every .77 cents women lose.

How does the pandemic affect the rental car industry?

It Hertz.

What did the sign outside the brothel say during the coronavirus pandemic?

Beat it! We’re closed

Disney is updating a children's classic with a pandemic theme...

... it's called "The Never Ending Story"

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?

One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.

On the plus side to this whole pandemic

I haven’t heard of any school shootings this year

I hate this pandemic

If I wanted to waste my early 20s, I would have gotten married.

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed.

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

Thanks to support from the Internet, I no longer have those nameless fears that have haunted me since the pandemic began.

Instead, I'm haunted by fears with names: acrophobia, enochlocophobia, mysophobia...

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

Redditors will save the world from the corona pandemic.

They are experts in applied social distancing.

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

If there's one thing Americans can look forward to when the pandemic ends

Is that the average IQ of the population will increase.

I found out why Germany is handling the pandemic so well.

They wash their Hans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the unsexiest thing about corona pandemic?

Everyone is in for flattening the curves

If we have another pandemic in 2 years,

They should call it Catch-22.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms...

I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.

I hope this Pandemic never ends

I've been getting so many more dates recently with this mask.

I'm surprised the pandemic has lasted this long.

I thought trump trusted doctors to fix his mistakes before they hit 9 months

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