Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

If a group of crows is called a 'murder', and two crows are an 'attempted murder', what do you call eighteen crows?

Pretty close to a pandemic in 2020.




(Corvid-18! Geddit Reddit?)

Yeah-yeah I made it up, not sorry... yet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so tired of women making we wear a mask during sex

And now with this pandemic I have to keep it on after, too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

More of us guys are unemployed as a result of the pandemic, but we're getting fucked over worse

I mean, damn, we're losing $1.00 for every .77 cents women lose.

Why is spider-man the most relatable superhero?

cause if he misses one paycheck his life is over.

>!He's probably not holding up during the pandemic.!<

I heard this on the radio earlier today

Dr Fauci allegedly said that after the pandemic is over and done with we will have to wear masks for 2 months on the back of our heads so our ears will return to normal

I hope this pandemic is over before tick season starts...

Then it’ll be corona and lyme.

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pre-pandemic joke

It's 8.30 am. Mom goes up to son's room and see his son is still in bed

M: Get up! Get up! Why are you still in bed? You have to go to school

S: But mom, I hate school! The teachers hate me and the kids are talking behind my back

M: Son, you really have to go to school right no...

The cattle population is being affected by the pandemic.

They have cowronavirus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the crisis called when the world runs out of peanut butter?

A Peter Pandemic

Bill Gates said the pandemic won’t be over until the end of 2021

And he has a lot of Intel

We shouldn't make fun of Americans for how they are handling the pandemic

In these hard times, they are trying their best to bring some positivity to the world

I've been bugging my ex-girlfriend...

I've been bugging my ex-girlfriend for a few days now since i wanted to get back and she's been avoiding me pretty badly.

The conversation went this way.

Me: Babe, why are you avoiding me like this.

She: you haven't caught the covid-19 yet?

Me: Nope, why?

She: Don...

Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic...

...available for curbside pickup.

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn’t wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

Right before the pandemic I was visiting Las Vegas.

Walking out of a casino one night, a frazzled looking dude comes up to me and commences with a sob story.

“Hey Mr. sorry to bother you but my wife and kids are in our hotel room, and I’ve got no money for food or gas for us to get out of town and go home. Any chance you could spare 50 bucks...

People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans.

After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.

Due to the pandemic, economic crisis and layoffs,

a picture only speaks 500 words now.

If there's one thing Americans can look forward to when the pandemic ends

Is that the average IQ of the population will increase.

Lately, my jokes haven't been received well

This pandemic thing is hitting the shipping business hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

But I've already fucked up the execution so badly it can't be repaired.

I have a joke about the US' pandemic response

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

My dad was Bruce Lee’s student. He now teaches different types of moves in our giant backyard.

Generally there are many different lines of people wanting to learn how to kick, use nunchuks, punch, karate chop, etc.

Recently due to the pandemic, lesser people have started showing up and he’s started losing money.

Some people still show up to learn how to kick and use weapons, b...

I told my family I would cut my hair at the end of the pandemic, but I'm having second thoughts...

It's growing on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How crazy is the coronavirus pandemic?

Batshit crazy.

Pandemic fun

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Beating this pandemic is a group project.

This is why I always hated group projects.

America has defeated the pandemic.

By making it an endemic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Standing at the pearly gates

God: Welcome my son

You........

God: You know why you're here, don't you?

You........

God: Tell me why you're here.

You: Because I was eating ass at a pool party during a global pandemic?

God: Because you were eating ass at a pool party during a global pande...

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

Doctor, when is the coronavirus pandemic going to end?

I don't know, I'm not that into politics.

Yo mama so ugly

The world created a pandemic so she'd have to wear a mask

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed.

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

I completely support people's choice to not wear masks and gather in large groups during a pandemic.

So would Darwin.

Pandemic has led to another type of shortage:

Social skills

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

God I would hate it if this covid pandemic kept going all the way through to tick season.

I really don’t like corona with Lyme.

The Trump Wall 2020 (original)

Since the USA is suffering from the COVID19 pandemic, the largest unemployment since the Great Depression and the country wide protesting, rioting and looting, The Mexican President calls Trump.
He says: OK, you win, the wall gets built, by us and we will pay for it! Just stay on your side.

Five people are on a plane that is going to crash; Oprah, the Pope, Greta Thunberg, Trump and Dr. Fauci.

Only four parachutes though.

Fauci takes one, says "I’ve got to live so I can find a cure for this pandemic and jumps out of the plane."

The Pope takes one, says "I have to be there to provide spiritual guidance to the faithful during this pandemic and he jumps out."

Trump takes...

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!

Only 25 looters per store please.

I hope this Pandemic never ends

I've been getting so many more dates recently with this mask.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever my wife gets stressed, she likes to have sex with fruit. Ever since this pandemic started...

She's fucking bananas...

What did the Eggs Benedict say during the Covid 19 pandemic?

We’re Hollandaise together.

How does the pandemic affect the rental car industry?

It Hertz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

what do you call an artist during a global pandemic?

Vincent Van Cough

I've heard common sense has been lacking during the pandemic.

So I only tip in pennies now.

My husband bought me a world map.

He gave me a dart and said "Wherever it lands, I'm taking you on a holiday when this pandemic is over."

Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic, I had to drop out of my marksmanship class.

I'm going to miss everyone.

Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic.

They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.

If you have to cut your own hair during this pandemic, do it on the porch.

The haircut will still look terrible, but cleanup is a breeze.

What is one of the most responsible things a person can do during the pandemic?

masking for a friend

My parents really named me oddly.

Hi, I'm Oddly. Nice to meet you.

I hope you're doing okay during the pandemic. Be kind to yourself and try to practice self care.

The band members of Foreigner have been in quarantine since this pandemic started

They have fevers of 103F

Me: "Hi Reddit, where is the best sub discussing when the pandemic will end?"

Replies: "R/fantasy"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if I noticed anything different about her

***So I came home just when the news of the Pandemic was first hitting the news***

***Her:***

Notice anything different about me?

***Me:***

Mmmmmmmm. You dyed your hair?

***Her:***

No!

***Me:***

You wearing a new dress?

***Her (getting f...

In the midst of the pandemic, passengers flying with United Airlines are shocked to see that the middle seats on their flights are booked.

Meanwhile, passengers flying with Frontier Airlines are shocked to see that any seats on their flights are booked.

This pandemic has been particularly stressful for flat earthers..

A lot of them are worried it's going to push people over the edge

Poll during COVID-19 pandemic finds 45% of husbands are doing the majority of homeschooling and child-caretaking.

2% of wives agree.

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

While the pandemic is going on

Villagers in Punjab are still wondering who the hell is Soshal Disdan Singh

Garfield the cat, feeling lonely during the COVID-19 pandemic, wakes up, has a cup of coffee and thinks to himself...

"I just want to get back to Nermal."

The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

At the start of the pandemic, it was a good opportunity to tell wether I was an introvert or an extrovert.

Turns out, I’m just a pervert.

Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic?

A mortician



Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

Despite all the problems it has caused, this pandemic has given all of us direction

And magnitude. We're all vectors.

Picture This: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live in and around the mouths of Alpacas.

Global Chaos Ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca-lip-tick wasteland.

Stolen from r/dadjokes from u/habsfan1112

Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.

She's an essential oil worker now.

in the wake of the pandemic and failing ratings, AMC's The Walking Dead has changed it's format.

it will now be a reality show shot solely inside America's nursing homes.

Who declared COVID-19 as a pandemic?

WHO declared COVID-19 as a pandemic.

In a year or two we are going to look back at this pandemic and laugh...

Obviously not all of us.

During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

Where is the best place to go for a walk during a pandemic?

A cemetery - every one is six feet under you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This COVID 19 pandemic isn’t just mad...

It’s batshit crazy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a result of the ongoing pandemic, my sexual orientation has changed.

I am now homesexual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vicious circle of toilet paper

In the early stages of the pandemic, people hoarded toilet paper and you could not find it anywhere.

Now that things have calmed down, toilet paper is available almost anywhere.

But now we find that meat is going to be in short supply.

So people will turn to beans to replace mea...

What did the sign outside the brothel say during the coronavirus pandemic?

Beat it! We’re closed

Did you know there is a second heaven for people who died of pandemics?

It’s called the after party

I asked one of my students to use the word contagious in a sentence...

He said: “trump should have reacted quicker to the COVID-19 pandemic, but it took the contagious”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It seems like the world is ending these days

We’ve got all this awful shit just falling from the sky. Climate change, global pandemics, economic crashes, Australian wildfire, elections, Kobe Bryant,

Hookers were prepared for the pandemic

because they’ve always offered curbside pickup.

It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic.

Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.

Sickening! I went to the bank today and even in this pandemic I was the only one wearing a mask!

Mind you, I was robbing the place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the Coronavirus Pandemic the government gave all MPs a £10k increase on the expenses they can claim.....

Don't those Wankers know Pornhub is free just now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call strippers who work during a pandemic?

Essential twerkers.

The worst thing about the pandemic...

...is that I can’t find an unbiased review of bat soup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the unsexiest thing about corona pandemic?

Everyone is in for flattening the curves

The KKK are thriving in this pandemic

For now wandering around with your face covered yelling 'Go home!' is the right thing to do.

I hate this pandemic

If I wanted to waste my early 20s, I would have gotten married.

What do you call a bunch of pandemic flu victims that all ignore social distancing and get together for a party?

A murder of crovids

If a local Panda Express was infected by COVID-19...

It would be known as "Pandemic Express"

Given there's a pandemic. Knock knock!

W.H.O.'s there?

Unfortunately not.

We’re in a global pandemic?

Says who?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A timely joke

All of the college students were sent home due to the pandemic, but their classes continued online. Two friends were working together on their group project from their respective homes in New York (Mike) and California (Tony).

Mike: hey man, we missed the deadline to submit the group report, ...

I was going to make a joke about isolation during a pandemic, but..

You might not get it.

After this Covid Pandemic I told myself I really need to stop drinking..

But I dont take advice from a drunk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms...

I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.

I lost 1kg on the first day of the pandemic

Coincidentally, my toilet's clogged.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

A student never turns in his homework because his dog keeps eating it. After moving to online classes, the teacher thought he finally wouldn’t have an excuse.

Because of the global pandemic, the teacher had to move the assignments online. Thinking of this student, she thought that he surely wouldn’t have an excuse anymore and would finally have to turn an assignment in.

But after the assignment was due and the teacher was done grading, she noticed...

It took a pandemic for us to start cherishing the smaller things in life

That's what my girlfriend did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave my wife a dart and a world map, told her "Throw the dart! We will vacation there once the pandemic ends!"...

Turns out we are going to be spending time in the hospital.



Also my cock hurts.

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic

He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95

What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic?

Mask-ara

i made a video about the pandemic

But i am afraid to release it because it might go viral.

What do you call a director who likes to camp inside during a pandemic?

Tentin Quarentino

I found out why Germany is handling the pandemic so well.

They wash their Hans.

Just like the "Freshman15", there are reports that this worldwide pandemic is causing some people to gain weight also.

It's called the "Covid-19".

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