It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature

Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!

IM LIVID

If i drink alcohol im an acholoic

if i drink fanta im fantastic

If I ever win the lottery Im giving all my money to charity

If shes not dancing that night Im giving it all to Destiny

For Halloween im gonna be a credit card…

Because I'm always getting denied (by ladies)

A m‌‌an a‌‌ccidentally e‌‌lbows a‌‌ w‌‌oman's b‌‌oob a‌‌s s‌‌he i‌‌s s‌‌tanding b‌‌ehind h‌‌im i‌‌n a‌‌ h‌‌otel l‌‌obby.

T‌‌he m‌‌an a‌‌pologizes p‌‌rofusely a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌if y‌‌our h‌‌eart i‌‌s a‌‌s s‌‌oft a‌‌s y‌‌our b‌‌reasts, I‌‌ k‌‌now y‌‌ou'll f‌‌orgive m‌‌e."

To w‌‌hich t‌‌he w‌‌oman r‌‌eplied, "If y‌‌our d‌‌ick i‌‌s a‌‌s h‌‌ard a‌‌s y‌‌our e‌‌lbow, I‌‌'m i‌‌n r‌‌oom 3‌‌18."

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Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks th...

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A cop walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub.

He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as im waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales dumbass." So I ask agai...

Im worried for my calender.

its days are numbered.

Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back.

Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

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Im proud to announce, that I officially lost my virginity

God I wish I could post this in another subreddit

The king asks his tax collector

"How much have we collected in taxes this quarter"

The tax collector replies "im afraid our villages were raided by bandits m'lord, the villages have had to pay thier taxes in chickens"

With an outward sigh of mild irritation the king speaks "well man how many chickens did you manage t...

After jacking myself off to logical deduction, i realized that im really weird.

This is the conclusion that i came to.

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

Tractors

So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.

One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
...

Im so good at sleeping

....that I can do it with my eyes closed.

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I always ask what LGBT stands for...

But i never get a straight answer.




Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).

A kid asks his mother: "how come im black and youre white?"

She replies: "listen, the way i remember that party, youre lucky you dont bark."

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

Im single by choice

Someone elses choice

A guys mother in law comes to live with him

One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad new...

the day after halloween, a trick or treater knocked on my door.....

he was dressed in just red tights and a red spandex shirt, red sneakers, red hat.

i said to him, "sorry little buddy, halloween is over, i dont have anything for you today...what are you supposed to be anyway>?"

he said "im a period, sorry im late..scared ya didnt i?"


...

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When a girl buys a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when i order 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, im called a pervert.

Im not very good with greek mythology

Thats my Hercules Heel

A Man Works as a Train Conductor

He isn’t the best at his job. He likes to go very fast, and is very reckless. One day, he goes too fast off a bend, and kills one person.

He is sentenced to death by the electric chair, and is offered a last meal. He requests one banana.

He is sat down in the chair. The executioner fli...

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Im taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off of my legs

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A young boy sits on a curb. With a cat.

As he sits he pops a candy in his mouth grabs the cat and bites it. Then he scoots over. A young pastor walking be asked Timmy what in the world are you doing ? Looking at the Pastor he smiles and proudly says Im playing Truck Driver. The pastor confused said I don't understand . Timmy says I'm popp...

Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

I have so many insecurities but from now im going to start acting like a plant.

Get to the root problems

I was speaking to my friend today

I was speaking to my friend today who's parents just got back after a 3 week trip. I asked him, "How did you feel when you saw your parents after such a while?", to which he replied, "you know Im extremely unreactive!"
I then looked at him dead in the eyes and told him," How noble of you."

Right at midnight on New Years Eve im gonna shut my eyes and never open them again

That way my vision will always stay 2020

My f‌‌riend c‌‌an't a‌‌fford t‌‌o p‌‌ay h‌‌is w‌‌ater b‌‌ill a‌‌nymore so I‌‌ s‌‌ent h‌‌im a‌‌ c‌‌ard.

"‌‌Get w‌‌ell s‌‌oon"

In a confession booth...

ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.

PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.

ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.

PRIEST: You forgot pride.

ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im really bad at supporting my friends

My buddy came to me today and said "some guy said I stink today"

I said "Like shit you do!"

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

So a pimpled man goes to the doctor...

He comes in, but refuses to sit down. The nurse asks if there is anything she could help him with.

He waves her away politely, and holds his suitcase in the air, bumps the top of it and an entire stool comes folding out. He places the stool on the ground and tries to small talk with the nurse...

Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I dont know Y

God Wants To Go On Vacation

"Hmm, How about Venus?" An angel says

"No! It's way too hot there I need some place better" says God.

The angels face than lights up when he says "I've got it! How about you go down to Earth?"

God than chuckles and says "Are you kidding? Im not going down there. 2000 years ago...

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

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A bartender is about to close down for the evening when a man walks into the bar.

The man sits down at the empty bar and says, "unfortunately i haven't got any money, but wondering if you would care to wager me for a yard of ale?"

Intrigued, the bartender inquires what the man has in mind for a wager. "You pour me a yard of that Blonde Ale over there....if I can finish ...

When I first adopted my dog he didnt trust me , he wouldnt even eat from my hand

Now he even eats out of my hand when im not looking

Im thinking about getting a second career as a reverse truck driver.

You know as a backup job.

Im kinda proud of this one

I have this great joke about stomach contents?
Actually never mind you wouldn't get it, its an inside joke.

Three large trolls were sitting around the campfire discussing their health.

"My doctor tolt me I need to get meself some exercise. Good fer me heart. So I tossed 'im up high in there air. Daggum good exercise."

The next troll laughed, "If ye gots any heart at all, its as hard and cold as granite. My doctor tolt me I was lack toes intolrant. Ain't sure what 'e meant s...

A farmer & his 3 beautiful daughters.

This farmer has 3 beautiful daughters and at the local village there's a Fair coming up.

The boys in the village are trying to figure out how to gain the farmers permission to ask his daughters out to the fair and hear he's a big fan of poetry

A few of the boys brainstorm on what they ...

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The farmer

A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.

“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”

His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.

“You idiot that’s a chicken”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

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Im so sorry internet

Whats the differance between being hungry and horny





Depends where the cucumber goes!!!

I thought that people getting mad over wearing a mask was not real, but today it happened to me as well. He told me Im an idiot for wearing a mask during a situation like this..

Like dude wtf, you're a dentist, aren't you like a doctor or something?

Im just so overwhelmed with the difficulty of writing my own book

There are no words

British people be like im “bri ish”. get it?

cause they drink the “T”?

me : im a compulsive liar

friend: really?

me: no

Im failing all my classes the only tests I can pass are my STD ones

I got all positive results

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A guy goes to the doctor because of blue balls.

He comes in to the doctors office and says

"Doctor! Doctor! One of my balls is completely blue! It doesn't hurt, but im really afraid"

The Doctor looks at the patients testicle and agrees that it doesn't look very good. The doctor decides to be on the safe side and removes the patien...

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.

It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

Dad: Son, congratulations. Im sure you will remeber today as the happiest day of your life.

Son: Thanks dad! But wedding is tomorrow.

Dad: I know.

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

Doctor: “Bad news im afraid, Mr Davidson, we had to amputate both of your feet...

Good news though, the patient next door wants to buy your shoes”.

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I had sex with Joseph Stalin once it was quite exciting. When I said: "Im coming" He said: "No"

"WE are coming"

What's a Jewish cat's favourite holiday?

Purr-im

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

Bubbles in bathtub

Old joke, repost:

A new lady teacher came to teach students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and a hobby.

She said, Lets start first with boys.

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: My name is...

Im so delighted.

A thief stole my lamp

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People always ask if im an introvert or extrovert

Bitch im a pervert

my friend told me that im probably going to have a gambling addiction

i told him:
"how much are you willing to bet on that"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

Policeman: Im very sorry Ma'am, but it looks like your husband got hit by a bus.

Lady: Im aware of that sir, but John has a wonderful personality.

Earring no tales

Im on my lunch break at work and I notice a co-worker stroll in the lunch room so I offer him a seat. Were talking about the Dallas game, when I notice an earring in his right ear. No big deal, but this guy is pretty conservative with his work attire, so I felt obliged to ask him about his new acces...

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"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

Walking with my dad he suddenly collapsed gasping for air.

Dad: Son.... call.... me.... an... ambulance..

Me: Ok, an ambulance.. Im son

Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C

My friends are worried, but ill be 0K

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A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

A man kisses his wife goodbye and leaves to work early in the morning

His wife calls her 2 lovers to come in just as her husband leaves. None less than 2 hours later the husband arrives.

"Quick hide, it's my husband" she says to the 2 men.

The first guy hides in the attic and the second one hides under the bed.

The man enters the bedroom seemingly...

Im not saying my ex girlfriend was fat

But all my thoughts revolve around her

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Im just looking for a guy i dont care if he's handsome or a dick to me.

Just as long as he handsome dick to me.

What is a dog’s favorite spy movie?

Mission im-paw-sible

Im giving up drinking for a year

Whoops, that came out wrong

Im giving up, drinking for a year.

Im against other races

Which is why I only watch NASCAR

Girl: im breaking up with u.

guy: why?
girl: because u keep quoting Chicago lyrics.
guy: but, if u leave me now, u take away the biggest part of me 😭

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im not really Fat

In fact, Im too sexy that it overflows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor X ask a girl, "so, what's your mutant power"?

Girl: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a celing fan off on the first try!"

Professor X: "oh really?"

Girl \[points up\]: " 2 pulls"

Professor X: \[stands up and pulls twice\] "not bad kid, but not a power".

Girl: "Im kidding, i can heal paraplegics"

Professor x:...

I’m in Spain but the S and the I are silent

Seriously guys help, Im being cooked alive right at this very moment

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!!

No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.

P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.

Where did the "T" in Bri'ish go?

they drank it all



im such a comedian

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A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

Did You Know that Diareah Problems are Hereditary

It Runs In your Jeans

(Plz excuse any spelling errors if I made some. English is my first language Im just Dumb)

What's a single spagetti between loads of macarroni?

An...

















ImPASTAr

Im terrified of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I smacked my wifes butt and she got upset and said “Im trying to do the dishes!”

I yelled back “Im trying to do the dishwasher!”

Im a Marine Biologist

My Field of study is the naval infantry

Im throwing a suprise bukkake party for my wife.

I hope everybody can come.

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Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...

...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

[OFFENSIVE?]They said beating cancer was hard, and lucky

But im already on stage *4*

If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

Im a magician and I can make ANYTHING dissappear.

Im a magician and I can make dissappear.

My wife asked me to stop singing "Im a believer", I was sure she was joking...

but then I saw her face

MY SPANISH FRIENDS THINK IM COOL

I moved into a Spanish neighborhood and immediately hit it off with them. They think im so cool they nicknamed me coolo

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

Honey! Im pregnant! what would you like it to be?.

A joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

I have a maths joke...

But im 2² to say it

Im never dating a tennis player again.

Love means nothing to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When im rich im building comedy clubs in all my bathrooms

Just for shits and giggles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white m...

Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

Im as funny as a rock

Normally boring and sedimentary. But hilarious when thrown at someone

Im Sick and Tired of talking about the corona virus

I just want to stay positive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Devil’s Deal

There were three guys- a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic. They went to hell for their sin and were standing in front of the devil.

The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with for a 1000 years with your temptations and if you get over your sins I will send y...

P.S - im a muslim

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?”

The customer says, “Female”

The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”

The customer says, “White”

The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”

The c...

Im a big homeophobe

I like small apartments

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im not sexist...

Because thats wrong and being wrong is for women

At night,im usually surrounded by females that i feel like murdering...

Dammit,why do mosquitoes even exist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My German girlfriend must think Im really hot

She keeps yelling "Nine Nine Nine!" when we have sex.

Im upset that wife thinks I’m nosey and I invade her privacy

She is usually complimentary with the other stuff she writes about me in her diary.

An Oxygen molecule go sees a doctor

"Doc, Im suffering from terrible cramps" says the Oxygen Molecule.

"That's an easy fix," says the doctor, "Just eat some Potassium and you'll be OK!"

I used to be addicted to soap

But im clean now

A woman brought her husband to a doctor to try to cure his snoring problem.

Dr.: "it is possible to treat, but it will cost you a lot of money."

Woman: "that's fine, how much will it cost?"

Dr.: "$20,000 down payment, and $250 in monthly intervals for a year."

Woman: "woah, its almost like im buying a sports car!!"

Dr.: "hmm... too obvious, huh?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey look im a 3d printer!"

"Oh god close the fucking toilet door!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im not sure how I feel about masturbation

I mean, on the one hand it’s pretty great

A man walked into the doctor's surgery

He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.

The doctor took one look and said
"Im afraid you're not eating properly."

im thinking about removing my spine...

i feel like its only holding me back

Im kind of sad I don't see more bungee jumping jokes around

I guess they never quite seem to land

Im really suspicious of Peruvian owls

I think they're Inca hoots

Im a scientist researching bestiality

If you need me I'll be in my lab.

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